NEW ZEALAND – PBS reported that the  rapper Tupac Shakur was sighted in New Zealand this weekend. 

PBS is reporting that  Tupac Shakur was sighted and photographed having drinks at a bar in Auckland, New Zealand.  Soon thereafter the internet was ablaze with speculation if this was real and Tupac was really alive.

Tupac Shakur was allegedly gunned down September 7th 1996 after leaving a boxing match.  However reporters have discovered that Tupac actually survived the shooting, but he and record label executives paid off medical examiners to claim he had died.  His apparent death allowed him to escape his assailants and his constant legal battles.

Since then Tupac had lived in hiding under an assumed name in rural Pennsylvania.  Weekly World News reporters tracked down the beloved rap star to his new home.

With regards to going into hiding he said, “At first it was life or death.  I’d just been shot at and I knew it wasn’t going to stop.  Once I was out of the game, a fresh start looked too good.  All the baggage from the old life, I could let it go and walk away.”

Since then, “I mostly keep my head low.  Don’t draw attention.  Staying out of trouble.”

When asked about how he spends his time, he said, “Ya know, same old same old.  Shop at the Farmer’s Market.  Keep my bees, get some honey.  Flirt with the girls at Dairy Queen.  Nothin’ big.”

For creative exploits, Tupac says, “I like to knit.”  His house was covered with hand knit pieces celebrating his former celebrity and sweaters with ‘Thug Life’ stitched on them.   Above the couch was a large tapestry depicting a scene from his California Love video.  He went on: “I do a lot of writing.  Jewel’s book of poetry, that was mine.  I also ghost wrote the screenplay for ‘The Lake House’.”

Tupac said he has no plans to return to the public eye.  “I’m a keep it straight chillin’ here.  Keep them bees, work the strawberry patch.  End of the day, play on with some World of Warcraft.  It’s a good life.”

FOSTER CITY,CA – Sony throws in the towel on fixing the Playstation Network.

“I can’t handle the pressure” and “For the love of God someone please help us!” are echoed throughout the halls of Sony headquarters in Foster City.

PlayStation Network (PSN) was turned off April 20 in the wake of an “external intrusion”. No one thought that it would be the day the network died. Now almost a week later, Sony has finally called it quits.

The PSN used to offer great streaming content where users could purchase or rent movies and television programs directly from Sony as well as allowed access to streaming content from great apps including Hulu Plus, Netflix, Vudu, and Music Unlimited. Not to mention that PSN also offered a variety of online content for many popular games. But those are the days of yore.

Games like Mad Blocker Alpha were supposed to launch this week for sale on PSN but clearly that did not take place. As a result of this flub and several like it, Sony is now racking up debt and executives at Sony have decided to put the hammer down on this money pit of a problem.

“We give up! We invite anyone who thinks that they can fix this to fill out job applications for Sony and immediately FedEx them to us,” said a junior level executive who wished to remain anonymous.

Two programmers have reportedly died while trying to fix the problem. Their deaths were similar in manner to the way that the children of Korea who live, eat, and play in internet cafés often die whilst playing World of Warcraft.

“We can’t take this anymore! No one else needs to die over this,” said a junior level programmer.

Those who think that they can fix this problem should stop reading this article and immediately send their resume to Sony. To apply for a job with Sony, go to http://us.playstation.com/corporate/about/careers/ and apply. Apply to any job, it really doesn’t matter. If you have any idea that might fix this problem, they will take you. They will take whoever they can get now. They are really desperate. Just make sure to tell them that good ol’ Pierce Blodyn sent you.

OHIO – 3,000 mysterious panties were found in a wooded area off a county road.

Deputy Sheriff George Pulman, of Fairfield County, made the “panty discovery.”  He told  WWN that he first saw a few panties in a the trees on the side of the road, but upon further investigation he became more and more bizarre.

“I came up and looked for myself and after I got here I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” he said.

“Someone dropped all these drawers in not one or two, but 4 spots along Crawfis road in the county.
Road crews and a neighbor discovered the first batch; 16 hundred pairs in all, some new, some used.”

Sheriff Pulman closely examined the panties for all day – and all night – and could not find anything unusal about them.

Here’s Pulman:

“Some were old, some were new.  They all looked real nice,” he said.  “I felt them for a long time, trying to determine if there was anything unusual about the fibers.  I also did a smell test – to see if there was anything unusual there.”

Nothing.

It took Pulman two hours to collect the evidence.  He filled 10 giant garbage bags just at that location alone. He brought them all back to the Sheriff’s office, but it was “getting late”, so he took the panties home with him for further investigation.

“I often do my best work at home.”

Berne Township officials say 3,000 pairs of unmentionables were found lying along the road.  The case of the multiplying skivvies has everyone baffled, but Pulman is determined to “get to the bottom” of The Great Panty Mystery.

Pulman believes, based on the evidence, that the panties belonged to a woman – or women – in their mid-20s to mid-30s.  He planned on going door-to-door in Berne County and ask women to try on the panties.  “If I can get a visual match, I think we can solve this mystery.”

Pulman also said that he himself tried on a few of the panties.  “I think if you have a tactile relationship with evidence, it can help to solve the case.”

A Panty Psychic was brought in to help Pulman.

“I won’t rest until I find the women who are walking around without panties.”

We’re sure Pulman will find his woman.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shanna Moakler has resigned as the executive director of the Miss California USA pageant.  Instead, she will start her own Miss Nerd USA competition.

A former Miss America herself, Moakler resigned from her position after Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her Miss California crown.  Prejean became famous during the Miss America competition for saying she was opposed to gay rights.  Since then, partially nude photos of Prejean have surfaced, which would typically cost her the Miss California title.

Moakler, disgusted at the organization, resigned yesterday vowing to start her own pageant.

Moakler said, “Miss Nerd USA will embrace better values for participants, encouraging not just beauty but intelligent and empowered women.  This could be an opportunity to break with outdated traditions and create a pageant that encourages better values and is of the times.”

The Miss Nerd USA competition will feature a chemistry section, math-leticism, World of Warcraft high scores, cosplay, and naughty librarian competitions in addition to the usual swimsuit and eveningwear.

“There will still be a beauty competition.  But we’re hoping to project a new beauty ideal that embraces female empowerment and individuality.”

According to Miss Moakler’s plan, the organization would reach out to professional beauties with nerd tendencies and existing nerds alike.  Beauties will be required to develop intellectual accomplishments to compete.  Nerdy women will be encouraged and trained to portray themselves as beautiful, a field in which many nerdy women feel insecure.  Moakler says this will hopefully encourage more well rounded aptitude and self esteem in all women.

When asked if she was only dressing up a slightly less vapid but equally materialistic pageant in a trendy way, Moakler replied “…. Maybe.  But at least I’m not bashing gay people!”

What kind of mischief did the world’s most famous mutant get into this year?

#5. BAT BOY STEALS NEW WARCRAFT GAME

Bat Boy obtained the new World of Warcraft expansion pack through a combination of thievery and sheer fear.

#4. BAT BOY SCARES MALL SANTA

Bat Boy’s attempts to be a normal child fail again with non-jolly results.

#3. BAT BOY BACKS OBAMA

Bat Boy made his first political endorsement after being swayed by Obama’s half-bat half-brother, Obatma.

#2. BAIL OUT BOY

Henry Paulson turned to Bat Boy to help solve the country’s financial crisis with bat guano.

#1. BAT BOY HATES PROP 8

Bat Boy made his squeaks heard at a Proposition 8 protest.

LOST WORLD CAVERNS, WV – Bat Boy has joined more than two million people in getting the new World of Warcraft expansion set.

“The Wrath of the Lich King” was released at midnight yesterday to the delight of millions of WoW fans. The expansion set is designed to give master players more to explore, including a new continent, equipment and spells.

Bat Boy is too young to work and earn his own money, so he was forced take a different approach. In a Game Stop parking lot, he leapt shrieking from the bushes at a 30-year old agoraphobe who dropped the game and passed out in fear.

Bat Boy now blissfully explores the vast expanses of Northrend with fellow dwarf friends Bilbong and Glugnus. His victim is currently unresponsive in a local psych ward, muttering repeatedly, “the ears… the ears…”

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