Ben Bernanke says that the worst of the recession is over and the economy will level out, thanks to a large reserve of gold found hidden under Mount Rushmore.
After reaching little to no success working within the Federal Reserve,  Chairman Ben Bernanke began looking for other ways to end the financial crisis.  For the past 3 months he has spent the majority of his time adventuring around the globe seeking alternative income to support the American economy.  His breakthrough came last week when a controversial map found in the Jefferson library led him to a lost city of gold hidden underneath Mount Rushmore.

“This is truely a spectacular find” said Bernanke.  “It will be a great help in propping up the American economy.”

Bernanke’s city of gold is believed to be the remnants of a Native American Indian tribe who stole the gold intended to pay France for the Louisiana purchase.  The Lakota tribe fortified themselves in the South Dakota mountain until they were discovered by government forces in 1877.  Realizing the chaos such an influx of gold would cause on the international markets the site was intentionally hidden.  President Calvin Coolidge further hid the city by placing a monument on top of it.  After that, the secret of the city was lost.

Bernanke’s find is expected to greatly stabilize the financial markets.  Most economists are now saying that the recession is over, and the country can begin its slow recovery.  The millions in gold will be just enough to patch up government deficits and avoid financial disaster.  International pools betting on when the American financial system would melt down were thrown into chaos.

“This revenue” Bernanke said “will also allow government to pay off some of the interest we owe to China, avoiding harsh penalties or foreclosure.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The IMF predicts a shrinking world economy over the next few years.  This troubling news sent lard and cornmeal futures skyrocketing.

The International Monetary Fund announced yesterday its prediction that the entire world economy would shrink by 1.3% in 2009.  This would be the worst world downturn since World War II.

At this harsh economic news certain stocks began to skyrocket.  Cornmeal futures, overall producers, lard and other products associated with economic hardship are seeing excellent gains.

“With people the world over having to tighten their belts, simpler solutions to old problems are coming back into vogue,” said Elmer O’Daniel, third generation head of O’Daniel Lard Producers.  “Right now the future of lard is looking pretty bright.”

Overall manufacturers and barrel factorie are working around the clock to fill orders from recently fired Wall Street heads looking for cheaper business attire.

Producers of anti-depressants like Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft, are getting ready for a record breaking year.  Pharmaceutical representatives refused to comment about suspected deals with the federal government to put antidepressants in the water supply just to keep the suicide rate down.

McDonald’s has stated it will soon begin serving Cracklin’s, deep fried pieces of pig fat.  Head of McDonald’s Development, Charles Shephard, said, “At first we were hesitant to offer the American people a nutritionally void food like deep-fried fat.  But then we thought ‘who are we to criticize the cultures who invented foods like this?  Or consider fat a delicacy?’”

The IMF says that to combat the upcoming recession they are strongly urging governments to sponsor public works and elaborate movie musicals.

TOKYO, JAPAN – Following reports this week of a Japanese restaurant employing monkey waiters, Shibuya hideaway, DaiDai, has hired the world’s tiniest Bigfoot!

Standing just under 3 feet tall, the mini-Bigfoot, known as Kyojin, buses tables while occasionally standing in for the hostess on busy nights.

“Kyojin can do the work of 3 busboys, despite his tiny stature,” DaiDai manager Masaru Ito said through a translator.

When asked if the company had any reservations about hiring a Bigfoot to work in the restaurant, Ito replied, “None at all. The Bigfoot are magical creatures highly respected and revered in Japan. It is an honor to have one wash your dishes.”

Whether we will continue to see the employment of these creatures in Japan is yet to be known. As the world economy continues its downturn, the potential for a backlash against companies choosing to employ super-natural born citizens is likely to increase.