JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin has landed the cover of Portfolio’s April 2009 issue with a photo of her wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, and she is not pleased.

Joe McGinniss’ cover story, “Palin and Wildlife: The Cold Hard Truth”, focuses on her terrible track record when dealing with wildlife conservation. She has opposed strengthening protections for beluga whales and polar bears, and has encouraged the control of wolf populations through promoting bounties and aerial hunting.

But the most damning charges pertain to the treatment of Sasquatches in Alaska. As loyal Weekly World News readers may recall, Sarah Palin posed with a Bigfoot she shot dead from a helicopter.

Since then she has constantly battled with conservationists over placing them on the Endangered Species list. As a seemingly provocative move, Portfolio used a photo of Palin wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, possibly the skin of the creature she shot last year.

Palin spokesman Bill McAllister has already released a statement about the piece: “Show me one shred of truth for this accusation: ‘Palin has systematically targeted the Sasquatch population time and time again.’ Senator Palin’s first and foremost responsibility is to the citizens of Alaska. She must protect them and their livelihood from these creature.”

“If that means not bending over backwards for radical conversationists, then so be it. She is ready and willing to take on their criticism, when it is fair and factual.”

Ashley Judd, a recent foe of Palin, is already planning a new video with the World Cryptid Federation in order to bring Palin’s treatment of Sasquatches to light. Judd will shoot on location in Alaska, where she will be filmed handfeeding a pack of Sasquatches Twinkies to prove they are not dangerous.

NEW YORK, NY – Merrill Lynch’s CEO John Thain is leaving the firm, amid furor over his purchase of a yeti skin rug with company funds.

Thain was the last chairman and CEO of Merrill Lynch before the recent merge with Bank of America. At a time when he was to be saving the company from bankruptcy, recent documents have revealed that Thain blew $1.22 million of tax dollar bailout money on refurnishing his office.

The most egregious offense appears to be an $87,000 rug bought for the redecoration. Critics immediately pounced on the purchase, questioning where such an expensive rug could have come from.

Weekly World News has discovered that the rug is in fact the head and skin of a Nepalese yeti. Sightings of the creature are extremely rare, but the capturing and killing of one is almost unheard of. Records show that Thain flew out to Bhutan, Nepal to personally buy the rug from a renowned local sherpa, Girija Shah.

Bank of America Chief Executive Kenneth Lewis spoke out on the incident: “We have been entrusted with the American people’s tax dollars in order to bring around this crisis, and we failed them. Mr. Thain’s extravagant purchases are the epitome of what we have been trying to avoid. Bank of America wishes to apologize to the country’s citizens for this oversight, and wishes to reiterate our dedication to responsible spending.

“We also wish to apologize to any conversation groups that took offense. We do not in any way condone the killing and displaying of an endangered, er… animal? creature?” A Bank of America spokesperson whispered into Lewis’ ear, and he continued, “An endangered cryptid. We will be donating money to the World Cryptid Federation in the yeti’s honor.”