CARSON CITY, NV — The Astrology Association of America has released an official profile for the new zodiac sign Ophiuchus.

OPHIUCHUS (Nov. 29th – Dec. 17th)

If your birthday falls between November 29th and December 17th and you’ve always felt a disconnect with the qualities and characterizations of the Sagittarius sign (formerly November 23rd to December 22nd), the following new profile will probably come as a long-awaited, much-welcomed relief.

Your zodiac identity crisis is over!

Ophiuchus Profile, based on the astrological charts that I reviewed with the AAA:

General:

*The Sun is in Ophiuchus from November 29 to December 17.

* Ophiuchus is the thirteenth of the twelve constellations of the Zodiac, or the forgotten constellation.

* The Sun spends more time with the stars of Ophiuchus (19 days) than it does in nearby Scorpius (6 days), however the stars aren’t as bright or visible.

* Ophiuchus is also known as the snake charmer or serpent holder.

* Ophiuchus is the only sign of the Zodiac which is based on a real person. This man, Imhotep, lived in ancient Egypt around the 27th century BCE. Historians have speculated for centuries that Imhotep brought the art of healing to mankind.

* The serpent or snake symbol is still used to symbolize the medical profession and Imhotep.

Ophiuchus Traits:

* Peaceful and wise, seeks knowledge throughout life

* Unusually lucky, draws unusual amounts of jealousy

* Dream-driven, regards sleep dreams with serious consideration

* Achievement and goal-driven, always pushes toward something new and better

* Favored and trusted by authority

* Enjoys family, and tends to have many children

* Excellent builder or architect

* Prefers bright colors and flashy attire

* Strong musical sense, often has natural musical talent

* Creative and innovative in every aspect of life

Compatible With:

* Pisces, Libra, Cancer, Capricorn and other Ophiuchus

Lucky Number:

* 12

Lucky Color:

* Purple, and patterns including plaid

Lucky Stone:

*Apatite

Famous and Ophiuchus:

Winston Churchill (Nov 30)

Mark Twain (Nov 30)

Richard Pryor (Dec 1)

Gianni Versace (Dec 2)

Ozzy Osbourne (Dec 3)

Jay-Z (Dec 4)

Walt Disney (Dec 5)

Frank Sinatra (Dec 12)

Rex Ryan (Dec 13)

Taylor Swift (Dec 13)

Vanessa Hudgens (Dec 14)

Flo Rida (Dec 16)

Bob Guccione (Dec 17)

[note from the Editor:  WWN's Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, ELSA AKESSON, BROKE THE NEW ZODIAC SIGN STORY. READ IT HERE. Her ground-breaking astrology book, "The New Astrology," will be in bookstores in June, 2011.]

WASHINGTON D.C. – Two great past leaders may have been part of a great cover-up!

If the “X-Files” ever wanted to make a return, they would certainly have a conspiracy worthy of a movie. According to a letter sent to the British government, former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower covered up a UFO sighting during World War II in an effort to prevent mass chaos.

Leading a world power during wartime certainly means that there’s going to be a need to maintain classified information. Despite anyone’s best efforts, not every secret remains a secret and the English Bulldog and Ike kept a mammoth one for decades.

The Daily Telegraph explains that Churchill is reported to “have made the orders during a secret war meeting with U.S. General Dwight Eisenhower, the then commander of the Allied Forces, at an undisclosed location in America during the latter part of the conflict.” He ordered that the information remain a secret for a period of 50 years.

United Kingdom’s National Archives released thousands of documents related to the sighting of unidentified flying objects on Wednesday.

A letter sent in 1999 by an unnamed person from Leicester, England, relayed a story he was told by his mother, which came from his grandfather, who claimed to have witnessed the alleged cover-up.

“It is claimed that my grandfather, [REDACTED} was present during a debate between Winston Churchill and Mr. Eisenhower during World War II involving making a decision about an unexpected incident,” the letter states, dated Sept 20, 1999.

The cover-up revolves around an incident off the English coast and the a Royal Air Force bomber crew, which was returning from a “photographic mission” in either Germany or France.

“The aircraft was intercepted by an object of unknown origin,” the letter explains, “which matched course and speed with the aircraft for a time and then underwent an extremely rapid acceleration away.”

According to the letter, the grandfather who witnessed the conversation heard Churchill state: “This event should be immediately classified since it would create mass panic amongst the general population and destroy one’s belief in the Church.”

I’m madder than Winston Churchill at an A.A. meeting! Just when I figured Al Gore couldn’t get any nuttier, yesterday he made a fool of himself again.

He gave a speech at some fancy British college, and told the kids that fighting global warming was like fighting Hitler.

Well, global warming and World War II both had something to do with “gas”, but other than that, I don’t get it. I didn’t drop out of divinity school like Al Gore did, and I didn’t invent the internet or get a hoity toity Nobel Prize, so can somebody explain his speech to me?

If the sun is Hitler, does that make the moon Mussolini? Are polar bears the Poles? Are cow farts the Kamikaze? OK, Japan was the Land of the Rising Sun but this is ridiculous!

Reading his speech, it’s pretty clear Al Gore thinks he’s the Winston Churchill in all this. Well, he’s fat enough, but that’s about it. I can’t believe Al would think much of Churchill’s famous cigars – don’t they cause pollution? Not as much as Gore’s Lear jet and two SUVs, I’ll bet.

So, is Gore planning on ending global warming by nuking the sun? Twice?

Besides, it was Hitler who started the first anti-smoking campaign. You’d think Al would like him for that!

The trouble with Al Gore’s speech is that nobody’s ever died of global warming, World War II wasn’t a scam FDR cooked up to make money (although I wouldn’t put it past the S.O.B…) and the sun hasn’t bombed Pearl Harbor.

Plus nobody has to hide their Cadillacs and those old-fashioned light bulbs in their attics. Well, not yet, anyhow…

I’m as fed up as Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet about what’s happening to the Republicans!

Every since their big get-together last week, everybody’s fighting about “the future of conservatives.” Namby pamby Beltway big shots tell us to dump Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, and get more classy and “intellectual” like them!

Heck, some of these “conservatives” even voted for Teleprompter Jesus himself!

Don’t listen to these stuck up sons of Benedict Arnold. Has Ross Douthat or David Brooks ever won a chili cook-off or fired a few rounds off a .45? David Frum probably can’t even change a tire without his Filipino nanny helping out.

They’re not like right wing leaders of the past. Remember the late, great Esther Schenectady, who started the American Institution Institute and led the fight against putting fluoride in our water. (“Today your teeth. Tomorrow your mind!”)

What about ex-commie spy Osprey Whitsunson (author of “From Comrade to
Christ”) or Julius Katzenjammer, who wrote my favorite economical book, “The State is Your Slavemaster” (1972)?

Dagnabbit, those wise old leaders are gone. I’m the last one of the era.
But those Seepack guys won’t let me come to their big get-together since back in ’64, when I beaned Happy Rockefeller with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (That slut!)

But we have new ones leaders – and they’re the people the snooty boys hate. Heck, Rush Limbaugh isn’t Hitler –  he’s Winston Churchill! My fellow red, white and blue blooded Americans, ignore the Gang of Pansies! Keep cheering the real conservatives who appreciate and understand us normal folks in Flyswatter Country.

(Except for that Mormon who cries all the time. Boy needs to start drinking again…)