WASHINGTON, DC – The growing threat of global pandemic resulting from Swine Flu has health organizations worldwide searching for an origin. But Republicans already have their theory – Pig World Domination!

With even the White House susceptible to the airborne, human-contact-spreading, continually-mutating, dozens-infecting new strain of animal born flu, the World Health Organization raised the threat level of global pandemic to 5, the second highest level.  With this, the WHO declared that the possibility of a global pandemic is not just possible, but so very very likely to happen.

Republicans gathered behind closed doors Wednesday to discuss the issue and how they can best serve their constituents in light of the Senate’s approval of Kansas Governor Kathleen “Oh So Liberal” Sebelius as the President’s Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Their findings on the origin of the outbreak, while surprising, are well researched and the only logical cause of the disease: a global conspiracy of pigs to undermine the international economy causing panic, famine, war and, naturally, pestilence in order to eventually overthrow mankind, enslaving the human race and assuming top of the food-chain status.

“We are here to say that we are on to your games, porkers, and while you have sickened more than a few dozen people, we will fight you to the death and eat you in victory,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky said in a written statement addressed to “Failed Pig Overlords.”

“It is clear that the pigs are seeking revenge for centuries of satiating humans with their delicious meat, succulent innards, and general finger-lickin’ good suckling roasted piglets,” McConnell’s statement continued.

“We don’t know yet how exactly they first passed their heinous flu virus to humans, but now that we know their intent and the extent to which they are willing to go to achieve their horrible goals, we can better act to stop it.”

McConnell’s statement, undersigned “Righteous Republicans for Human Dominance,” sent a shock wave throughout a world eager for answers and vaccines.

“I have no intention of going to Mexico, or Canada, or Spain, or New York, none of those places where the pigs are already taking over,” Mississippi resident Mary Beth Dingler wrote on a blog dedicated to spreading up-to-the-minute information about the conspiracy.  “My cousin a few towns over had a pig farm, but soon as she heard what they planning, she took care of them pork chops.”

Others however, were not as quick to accept the Republicans claims of a united global swine uprising.

“The Republicans are always on the look out for the latest conspiracy to overthrow mankind,” Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-IL) told reporters.  “First it was the killer bees swarming en mass from Africa to enslave humans in honey trafficking.”

“Then, Asian birds dropping flu from the skies to make mankind their two-legged land-steeds.”

“I refuse to believe that pigs are behind this latest pandemic.  I’ve read Animal Farm, I know pigs are smart, but why would they even want to enslave mankind?  Pork is delicious, even pigs cannibalize their own, they know they’re totally yummy.”

Durbin added, “Humans aren’t delicious.  Not that I would know.”

The outbreak of swine flu has caused the World Health Organization to steadily raise its alert levels.  But what do they mean?  Weekly World News breaks it down.

Phase 1
Outbreak is contained within a single bedroom.  Ginger ale, chicken soup, and DVDs of Bridget Jones’ Diary and The Princess Bride are readily available.  Recommendation: saying ‘Bless you’ when patient sneezes.

Phase 2
Disease spreads to workplace through prolonged exposure with the infected.  Tissue boxes begin to become exhausted; toilet paper takes up the slack.  Recommendation: use as excuse to miss work.

Phase 3
Virulent agent has demonstrated resilience to all brands of decongestants.  Patients suspect drug company conspiracy to sell placebos for incurable ailment.  Recommendation: loss of patience, profanity.

Phase 4
Outbreak spreads to news outlets and human interest stories.  The public is warned not to be afraid, but ‘pandemic’ continues to be a really scary word.  Recommendation: water cooler conversation, unnecessarily canceling trips abroad.

Phase 5
Virus remains persistent and continues to mushroom in at least three distinct areas.  Symptoms become exaggerated by telephone game effect, and healthy people begin to fear the menace of purple monkey dishwasher.   Recommendation: cut off contact with outside world, barricade doors, stock up on canned goods, drink plenty of fluids.

Phase 6
Mankind is wiped out with the exception of Will Smith and a Brazilian supermodel.  Repopulation of race begins with exciting results.  Recommendation: keep cameras rolling and hope for a better day.

BEIJING, CHINA – The Chaos Cloud has been spreading across Asia to finally center in on one of the world’s most polluted cities.

According to Shai Oster’s article in the Wall Street Journal, the Chaos Cloud is wreaking havoc across the continent, presumably in unhappiness over the pollution problems. China’s habit of coal burning has caused its air quality to plummet. The World Health Organization has found that 750,000 people die prematurely each year from respiratory problems, and acid rain falls on 30% of the country.

Experts believe that the Cloud is unhappy over so many premature deaths. It is predicted to touch down in 2014 and destroy the world in total chaos, and presumably wants as many human lives to end as possible.

The Director of Ministry of Environmental Protection is currently hiding under his desk and refusing to release any public statements.