The Obama Administration is reportedly asking Americans to send their resumes to the White House.

On Monday, President Obama held a town hall, through Google +. He fielded video questions from people ranging from homeless veterans to an Obama impersonator.  One interaction that has been making the internet buzz, was when a Republican woman asked the President why H1B Visas are being issued when there are unemployed engineers, like her husband, who’s a semiconductor engineer.

Obama was visibly surprised about her husbands predicament and asked the woman to send him her husband’s resume so he could help him find a job.

The White House denied today that there is an alien invasion happening – but they are looking for aliens.

The White House responded today to the reports in WWN that the alien invasion is occurring and that we are about to be attack by three giant spaceships from Planet Gootan.

They also responded to a petition that accused the government of covering up the alien invasion.

Larry Lawson, from the White House Office of Science & Technology Policy, officially denied knowledge of the alien invasion, denied that there is an alien attack about to happen and denied they had withheld information from the public.

He did, however, say that the President has picked an Extraterrestrial Czar and that this person will be monitoring aliens in the United States?

Hmmm… smells like a cover-up.

Surprising, Lawson went on to say that IF there was an alien attack in the next few weeks, the United States is “more than ready to defend our country.  No aliens are going to harm our citizens.”    And what about citizens from other countries.   “Our job is to protect Americans, and we will do that.”

Lawson continued to confuse reporters when he went on to say, “let me be clear, the U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race.”

WWN, however, has learned that there are multiple departments of the Federal government preparing for an alien attack on November 28, 2011 – and that they have been doing so since October of 2010.   One White House staffer told WWN off-the-record, “the President considers this alien attack the greatest threat to our country at the moment.”

A NASA spacecraft in Earth’s orbit, Kepler, is closely monitoring the progress of the alien warships from Planet Gootan.

Opinion polls now indicate more than 80 per cent of the American people believe there is an extraterrestrial attack imminent and more than 90 per cent believe the government is not telling the truth about this.

‘The people have a right to know. The people can handle the truth.’

The White House initially said staffers would respond soon and wold consider (maybe) taking action on any issue that received at least 50 million online signatures within 30 days.

WASHINGTON, DC -  White House ghosts are terrorizing White House Staff and the First Family.

The White House has a long been considered the most haunted homes in America. President Harry Truman said the place was haunted “sure as shooting.” Kennedy’s Press Secretary James Haggerty admitted to sensing the presence of Lincoln’s ghost in the White House, and Bush’s Press Secretary Dana Perino admitted she was a believer: “There are, from time to time, reports that the White House is haunted by mysterious appearances of figures from history, and I believe them. There have been serious people who have serious tales to tell about these encounters, and there are many people who seriously believe that there is a haunting quality to the White House.”

And now… the Obama administration is dealing with ghosts that have been unusually active over the past few weeks.  “I’m scared to death to walk into some rooms alone,” said senior adviser, Valerie Jarrett.

Hillary Rodham Clinton recently said: “It’s very creepy.  And I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve seen Richard Nixon’s ghost several times.  I think he’s targeting me.”

Richard Nixon’s ghost also haunted George Bush.   Nixon’s ghost was even caught by a photographer:

Michelle Obama wants to hold a séance to rid the house of ghosts, but President Obama has refused.  However, he may be left with no choice.

“A lot of the staff called in sick this week, and I think we might have over 50% of the staff stay home on Halloween,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.  “Almost everybody has had an encounter with a ghosts – who are very aggressive.  Some staffers are afraid they might be attacked physically.”

Most staffers report seeing the ghost of Willie Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln’s young son who died in the White House.

In his book The Choice, Bob Woodward of Watergate fame describes how in 1995, a séance was held by psychic Jean Houston in the White House solarium, during which Hillary sank into a trance and channeled the spirits of Eleanor Roosevelt and Mahatma Gandhi. There are also rumors that in the early 1980s, Nancy Reagan’s personal astrologer, Joan Quigley, arranged another attempt to communicate with spirits through the “White House portal.”

Other ghosts that have been spotted in the White House recently:

– The ghost of Anne Surratt has been seen pounding on the doors of the White House, pleading for the release of her mother. Mary Surratt was executed in 1865 for her part in the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln. Her daughter is said to appear on the steps of the White House on July 7, the anniversary of her mother’s trip to the scaffolds. -

– The ghost of a British soldier from the War of 1812 is said to walk the grounds in front of the White House at night. He is said to be a remnant of the 1814 attempt by the British to burn the White House. The menacing apparitions is always seen with a blazing torch in his hand.

– The ghost of Ronald Reagan.   President Obama has said he sees Reagan in the Oval Office frequently.

– The ghost of Dorothea Paine “Dolly” Madison, wife of President James Madison. Dolly planted the first rose garden and every time Michelle Obama has been in her garden she says Dolly Madison appears and berates her for “not  doing it right.”

– The ghost of William Henry Harrison can sometimes be heard rummaging about in the White House attic.

– The ghost of JFK and Marilyn Monroe.  Several White House staffers have said they have seen the ghosts of JFK and Marilyn Monroe having “ghost sex” in different parts of the White House.  “Ghost porn” is what many staffers call it.

The Obama Administration has hired some government “ghostbusters” to occupy the White House on Halloween.

WASHINGTON, DC  – President Obama is forming a drum circle in the White House.  They will play ever day at sunset.

Drum circles have become a symbol of the Occupy movement and President Obama… loves them. He ordered his staff to form a drum circle and to play in the East Room of the White House every day at sundown.

“The President feels that drums, and drumming, are a symbol of freedom and the American spirit,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.   “It’s a way for people to express their frustration and anger in a productive, and rhythmic way.”

The First Lady also loves the idea and is already actively participating…

Reports are that the First Lady can really play the drums.   World-renowned drummer and comedian, Bill Cosby, also jammed at the White House, deciding to play the drum kit in the drum circle:

Sources inside the White House say that the President is a great dancer but is a bit “rhythmically challenged” when it comes to drum.  “His timing is all off, man.  He keeps throwing us off,” said Bodo Rainbow, a longtime DC drum circle participant.  “He can’t play for sh*t.”

The President has long wanted to play drums for his favorite group Earth, Wind and Fire and when the band played at the White House he asked them if he could sit in.  Their response was a polite, “hell, no.”

What does  the President hope to accomplish by having a White House Drum Circle?

“He wants to bring about world peace, feed the people and tax the rich,” said Vice President Joe Biden.  “If we don’t play drums at the White House, there will be women raped from coast to coast.  And murders will go through the roof.  We need to drum, we need to drum now.”

Vice President Biden will not be part of the White House.  The White House has not asked any Republicans to participate in the drum circle, but Senator Marco Rubio of Florida is said to be amazing on the congas.

Every night at sundown… the drums of Obama.

WASHINGTON, DC – There are numerous reports of mountain lions roaming the streets of DC!

Authorities believe there are up to fifty mountain lions lurking the streets of Washington DC.

One DC resident described one of the creatures as larger and wider than a deer, with the long tail of a cat.  “It just stared me down, so I ran back into my apartment building as fast as I could,” said Sally Judgins of Georgetown.

Another woman said she was walking her dog in McLean Gardens at the edge of Glover Park when she spotted a large cat last week.  She was positive it was a mountain lion.  “I’m from northern California and I’ve seen many mountain lions, this was definitely one.  It scared the sh*t out of me,” said Vanessa Connors, who works on Capitol Hill.

Just this morning there was a sighting near the Beltway exit to Connecticut Avenue.

One cat was spotted by the White House Cemetery:

Here’s one on the streets near the Georgetown section of DC:

And one was even spotted walking across the floor of the Senate:

Animal control officers are working with the FBI to figure out how to deal with the animals and to try to determine where they came from.

A spokesperson for the Washington Humane Society said that it appears someone purposely released the mountain lions onto the streets.  “It could be terrorists,” said a source close to the spokesperson.  “Or Republicans.”

Citizens of DC were put on alert.  “Do not try to approach any mountain lion, just call 911,” said DC police chief, John Comito.  “If you have to stand still and pretend you  don’t exist.”

911 in DC has been flooded with calls since Tuesday.  “We are tying to keep everyone calm.  But people are afraid to go out of their houses,” said Comito.

There have been no reports so far of any of the mountain lions attacking citizens, but one resident, Anthony Johnson (27), said that one mountain lion attacked his pit bull.  “That thing ripped my dog to shreds, I’m gonna sue the city.  There shouldn’t be big nasty cats like that roaming the streets!”

Although mountain lions are uncommon in DC, they are considered an endangered species, so authorities are trying not to shoot the animals, but Comito said his officers have orders to “shoot to kill” if the animals are threatening any citizen in any way.

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has officially renamed the U.S. Government of the U.S. Federal Family.

President Barack Obama issued and Executive Order today that officially changes the name “U.S. Government” to “U.S. Federal Family.”

“President Obama feels that the term ‘government’ has taken on a bad connotation in the last decade, because of bad policies by previous administrations,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carny.  The government takes care of many of our citizens and we want the country to think of the government in a positive light.  That’s what the U.S. is now a ‘Federal Family’ rather than a ‘government’.  It’s much more positive and will make all Americans feel good about Washington.”

The phrase was repeatedly used this weekend in the “Federal Family’s” response to Hurricane Irene.

Here’ an example from an official FEMA document issued last Friday.

“Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast,” a FEMA news release declared Friday as Irene churned toward landfall.

“The G-word, “government,”  has been nearly banished from all agencies,” said Nancy Pelosi, the minority leader of the House.  “The Republicans have made the G-word into something that upsets Americans.  Democrats want to make America great again, and the first step is to get rid of that ugly word.”

Professors around the country agree. “’Government’ is such a dirty word right now,” says Florida State University communication professor Davis Houck. “Part of what the federal government does and any elected official does is change the terms of the language game into terms that are favorable to them.”

“Family” can evoke favorable thoughts of motherhood and security, “says Nancy Pelosi.

In “the family” here is crazy Uncle Harry and wacky Aunt Nancy:

And here’s Papa:

The phrase “federal family” has been used before – in the 1930s, under President Franklin Roosevelt.

A Google search shows the phrase appearing 10 times on FEMA’s website during the Bush years. Since Obama took office, “federal family” has turned up 118 times on fema.gov, including 50 Irene-related references.

Among them: statements that the Obama administration “is committed to bringing all of the resources of the federal family to bear” for storm assistance and that “the entire federal family continues to lean forward to support the states in their ongoing response efforts.”

Republicans were quick to respond.  “This is another outrageous attempt by the Obama administration to manipulate language to control Americans,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Boehner doubts that “Federa Family” will give the public a warm and fuzzy view of Washington.

“Will it create jobs?” Boehner asked rhetorically. “Hell no, it won’t!!”

“We really like the new label,” said Senator Harry Reid.  “People will have a hard time believing that your ‘family’ would to anything to harm you.  I think this will be a major step in bringing America back to greatness.

Make sure you pay your taxes to your Federal Family next April 15th – or you will be spanked!!

WASHINGTON – The White House is pushing through a bill that will give Affirmative Action benefits to ugly people.

The Obama Administration has felt for a long time that ugly people are facing discrimination in all sectors of the United States – jobs, college, healthcare etc.

The Administration first looked at amending”ugly” to the definition of “disabilities” under the American’ With Disabilities Act (ADA), but they figured it would take too long to enact.

Now, they are just going to declare “ugly people” to be an official minority that should be protected under Affirmative Action laws.

Republicans were quick to point out that “ugly people” might actually be in the “majority” – and felt certainly that to be the case in terms of the RNC (and the DNC).

The White House pointed to a study that showed that an American worker who was among the bottom one-seventh in looks, as assessed by randomly chosen observers, earned 10 to 15 percent less per year than a similar worker whose looks were assessed in the top one-third — a lifetime difference, in a typical case, of about $230,000.

The Administration said that “for purposes of administering the law, “ugly” is defined as the bottom 1-2 percent of  “ugly people” in the United States.

The difficulties in classification are little greater than those faced in deciding who qualifies for protection on grounds of disabilities that limit the activities of daily life, as shown by conflicting decisions in numerous legal cases involving obesity.

The White House responded:  “You know it when you see it.”

There are other objections. “Ugliness” is not a personal trait that many people choose to embrace; those whom we classify as protected might not be willing to admit that they are ugly. But with the chance of obtaining extra pay and promotions amounting to $230,000 in lost lifetime earnings, there’s a large enough incentive to do so. Bringing anti-discrimination lawsuits is also costly, and few potential plaintiffs could afford to do so. But many attorneys would be willing to organize classes of plaintiffs to overcome these costs, just as they now do in racial-discrimination and other lawsuits.

Short people, bald people, cross-eyed people and people with “bad hair” are all applying for Affirmative Action protection as well.

In the meantime, if you think you are ugly – call the government and… get protected!

WASHINGTON, DC – Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries tied the knot tonight at The White House!

Kim Kardashian tied the knot with New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries on Saturday evening at the White House.  Her rep confirmed the nuptials to WWN.

The couple, who became engaged in may after dating six months, were going to wed at a private estate in Montecito, Calif., in front of 440 guests.   But Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are big fans of  the Kardashians and since they are away at Martha’s Vineyard allowed the Kardashians to use the East Room of the White House for the wedding.

Here’s Kim in the White House three hours before the ceremony:

Barack Obama sent Air Force One and Air Force Two to California to carry all the guests to the White House.
Guests at the wedding included:  Demi Lovato, Babyface, Vera Wang, Mario Lopez, Mark Ballas, La La Vazquez and Carmelo Anthony, Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz, Ryan Seacrest and Julianna Hough, Alan Thicke, Cheryl Burke, Melanie Brown, Maria Menounos, Sugar Ray Leonard, Venus and Serena Williams, Kathy Lee Gifford, Brit Gastineau, Greta Van Sustren, Jillian Barberie, Brody Jenner and Avril LaVigne Scottie and Larsa Pippen, and Dina, Ali, Lindsay Lohan and WWN’s own Frank Lake accompanied by Bat Boy!

As stepfather Bruce Jenner walked her down the aisle, Kardashian, 30, donned an ivory custom-designed Vera Wang gown with full tulle skirt, basque waist and hand-pieced Chantilly lace appliqué on the bodice and train. She wore Guiseppe Zanotti shoes.

Guests partied the night away include while Justin Bieber – “jammed out the jam.”   The bash was filmed by E! while Kim also has a $1 million magazine deal.

Khloe Kardashian made the White House wedding happen:

There will be no honeymoon — but President Obama has invited them to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom until they return from Martha’s Vineyard.  In exchange, Barack Obama will be on next seasons’ Keeping Up With The Kardashians.   The President “loves” the show:

The couple will make their first home together in the penthouse suite at the Gansevoort Park Avenue. They were showered with gifts from their wedding registry at Gearys Beverly Hills. As of last night, $366,138 worth of gifts had been purchased, including a $9,625 Ingrid black vase, a $4,100 Soudan black ashtray, both by Lalique, and a $7,750 sugar bowl.

President Obama and Michelle Obama have invited Kim and Kris  to Hawaii in December – the first couple’s next vacation.

BEIJING – China has foreclosed on the White House and wants the First Family out by the end of the month.

China bluntly criticized the US just two days after the superpower’s credit rating was downgraded, saying the “good old days” of borrowing were over.  And to prove their point – they foreclosed on the White House.

How could they do that?  Well,  China, the United States’ biggest creditor,  owns the majority of U.S. debt and instead of demanding repayment on outstanding debt, they have decided to seize the White House as an “impetus to get the U.S. government to get control of their debt!”

The United States “should get a clear understanding that the continuous decline of the debt service capability will inevitably result in the outbreak of penalties imposed by our government,” said Guan Jianzhong, Chairman of Dagong Global Credit Rating, who downgraded U.S. Debt from A+ to KP (Kung Pow).

“The U.S. government must come to terms with the painful fact that the good old days when it could just borrow its way out of messes of its own making are finally gone,” China’s official Xinhua news agency said when commenting about foreclosing on the White House.

The Obamas will have to move out by September 1st.  They plan on moving in with the Vice President, Joe Biden, and his family – they live at the U.S. Naval Observatory mansion.   The Obamas are happy to live with Joe because “he’s a lot of fun,” said Michelle Obama.

The Vice President’s mansion is very clean, which makes the Obamas happy.  “Joe had the place completely fumigated after the Cheney’s  left,” said Joe Biden’s Chief-of-Staff, Susan Begley.

Finance ministers and central bankers of the Group of Seven major industrialized nations will spoke by telephone later Sunday, and agreed that a foreclosing on The White House was a good idea.  “We need to send a message to this administration,” a senior European diplomatic source said.

French Finance Minister Francois Baroin, the  chair of the  G7 and G20 presidency, said it was too early to say whether they would advise the Chinese to repossess other America properties.

China scorned the United States for its “debt addiction” and “short sighted” political wrangling.

“China, the largest creditor of the world’s sole superpower, has every right now to demand the United States address its structural debt problems and ensure the safety of China’s dollar assets and to repossess whatever U.S. properties it wants,”  said Xinhua News.

In Washington, U.S. President Barack Obama urged lawmakers on Sunday to set aside partisan politics after the debt battle, saying they must work to put the United States’ fiscal house in order and refocus on stimulating its stagnant economy.  “The President wants to move back into his home as soon as possible.  He has a party scheduled for October 1st.”

Here’s how the President and Vice President took the news of the foreclosure:

And the Chinese have agreed to rent out the White House until the Obama Administration comes up with a deficit reduction plan.  Here’s the lucky couple that will be moving in:

WASHINGTON -  After a man was detained by the Secret Service for jumping a fence at the White House – Charlie Sheen jumped over, too.

James Dirk Crudup, 41, scaled the fence on the north side of the White House between 7:30 and 8 p.m last night.  Charlie Sheen then scaled the fence at 8:30 pm.  He was yelling, “Debt deal – sizzle, losing, bye!” over and over again.

Sheen was reportedly “set off” by the debt deal but also because he learned that CBS was going to kill his character on Two and a Half Men.  “They’re going to behead my character. That’s bullshit.  Chuck Lorre will get his!”

Crudup was quickly taken into custody after scaling the fence.  Sheen, however, signed autographs for an hour then was taken into the Rose Garden for a “Winning Summit” with Barack Obama.

Secret Service knew Crudup was homeless, they thought Sheen was homeless.

Crudup has been charged with unlawful entry and contempt of court for violating a stay away order from the White House.  Sheen was put on the new Debt Commission formed by the President.

A CNN news crew caught some of the drama on tape as it unfolded. Video showed agents leading Crudup, as they held his hands behind his back, across the North Lawn on the Pennsylvania Avenue side of the White House, where tourists gather to take photographs.  Anderson Cooper flew to Washington to interview Charlie Sheen on CNN.

Reporters still at work in the White House press room saw agents who are stationed closer to the White House with their weapons drawn. A t least one agent could be seen on the roof of the building peering through a pair of binoculars.  Several reporters thought they saw several Secret Service agents aiming their pistols at Sheen’s head.  One female Secret Service agent took a shot at Sheen’s crotch – she missed.

As soon as President Barack Obama found out Sheen was half-naked on his front lawn, he ran over to Sheen, got his autograph and invited him inside.   They were planning on going golfing this weekend.  Sheen made  Michelle Obama an honorary “goddess.”