CHICAGO, IL – The University of Illinois at Chicago announced this morning that they have offered OJ Simpson an adjunct professorship in its prestigious Drama department.

Though Simpson was convicted on all twelve counts of armed robbery and kidnapping over the weekend will likely spend the rest of his life in a Nevada federal penitentiary, he will be able to conduct his classes live via satellite.

UIC, home to Weather Underground founder Bill Ayers and several other felons, welcomes the high-profile addition to its esteemed faculty.  “He’s The Juice,” exclaimed university Chancellor Paula Allen-Meares.  “He led the nation in rushing two years in a row at USC.  He won the Heisman.  He was the first pro player to reach 2,000 yards, for goodness sake!”  She added, “I’m also a big fan of ‘The Naked Gun.’”

Simpson has also begun writing a new book tentatively titled “If I Didn’t Do It.”

I was as happy as Joe Biden at a Hair Club for Men conference to see Sarah Palin crush Joe Biden in the VP debate last week.  Sarah had me at “Hey, can I call you Joe?”  It didn’t help that Joe-Tox had a look of surprise frozen on his face from the Botox and his recent eyelift. Joe talks about being a regular guy from Scranton, PA, but when I look around the room at my Elks Club meeting I don’t see many fellas with hair plugs, botox and a facelift.

I haven’t had a real crush since that candy-striper in the Korean War, but I found myself getting hotter and hotter for Sarah as the night went on.  How can you not love a girl who says with a wink, “Your plan is a white flag of surrender.”  That comment knocked Joe Biden to the ground like Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI.  Biden came in to the debate thinking that Sarah was an idiot and that dumb-ass was the one who limped out of the ring with the scars from his recent facelift busted wide open.

The next knock out punch came when Biden, who is supposed to be some kind of dang foreign-policy expert, had just given a long-winded explanation for how he voted in favor of invading Iraq but didn’t really mean for Bush to actually invade Iraq.  That Botox must have helped him keep a straight face when he told the American public that he of course realized way back then that it would be a very long and difficult war but he now opposes the war because it’s been too long and too difficult.

“Oh, man, it’s so obvious that I’m a Washington outsider and someone just not used to the way you guys operate,” Sarah Palin said with a look on her face like Biden had just offered her a dog turd sandwich.  It took me a while to get used to it, but now I am starting to love that Fargo-meets-Arctic accent.

Friends, let’s make sure we get out to vote so we can hear that accent often over the next eight years.  If Obama and Joe-Tox go to the White House, we are going to have every one of Obama’s America-hating ACORN and Weather Underground friends come out of their rat-holes and turn the good ol’ US of A into France before you can say “surrender”.