WASILLA, AK –  Levi Johnston had an affair with Sarah Palin!

Levi Johnston just released his book “My Life In Sarah Palin’s Shorthairs” which reveals a number of new revelations.

But none is more shocking that his description of a two-month affair he had with Sarah in the year prior to her Vice Presidential nomination.

Johnston reportedly says that while he was dating Bristol, Sarah kept hitting on him and eventually, he succumbed to her advances.  They had a heated six-month affair, which happened before Bristol or Sarah became pregnant.

“Oh, everybody knew Levi and Sarah were hooking up,” said a friend close to a friend that lived near Levi said,  ”she was hot and Levi just went for it.”

In his book, Levi explains that a lot of the public hatred that Sarah Palin has for Levi is due to the fact that she is “probably still in love with me.”

Johnston in his book reportedly says that he was the one to break it off with Sarah Palin because he “didn’t feel right” doing both Sarah and Bristol.  ”I have morality,” Johnston reportedly says in the book.

Soon after Levi broke up with Sarah, she got pregnant by Todd.  And then Bristol got pregnant and… the rest is history.

Levi Johnston’s book, “Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs,” directly contradicts much of what both Sarah Palin and Bristol Palin have been saying in public.

Johnston’s tell-all, due out Sep. 20 is a response to ex-girlfriend Bristol Palin’s book “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far,” released last June.

Some of Johnston’s other revelations are said to include the following:

• Bristol claimed that the two first had sex on a camping trip while she was highly intoxicated on wine coolers. Johnston’s book argues that the two were sexually active well before the trip and Johnston would often curb Bristol’s drinking as it made her “lose her judgement.
• Bristol and Levi first had sex in the women’s locker room of the high school gym.  Levi was sober, but Bristol was plastered on Robitussin.
• Bristol was jealous of Sarah’s pregnancy with Trig and sought to retaliate by getting pregnant herself.  Levi tried to stop Bristol from letting him impregnate her, but she overpowered him.
• Upon hearing the news of the pregnancy, Bristol’s father, Todd Palin became aggressive and told Johnston to quit school and get a job.
• Sarah Palin wanted to adopt Bristol’s baby Tripp as her own to “avoid a scandal,” but both Johnston and Bristol were against the idea.
• Johnston was indeed present for the birth of his child, something that Sarah Palin has denied in interviews.
• Johnston denies getting another girl pregnant despite what Bristol has publicly claimed.
• Johnston claims he is a much better dancer than Bristol Palin and “if she’s any good at all, it’s because I taught her everything she knows.”
• Johnston claims he is very well-endowed.  ”I’m hung like a moose.”

In Sarah Palin’s book, “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag,” Palin called Johnston’s attempts at cultivating his fame “disgusting.” It remains to be seen who exactly is warping the truth.

When asked this morning about her “affair” with Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin told WWN she had “no comment,” but sources inside Alaska, say that it was well-known that Sarah and Levi were an item.

“They couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” said a source close to the Governor’s office.

Why Go Rogue when you can Go Mutant?!!!

There’s still a lot of buzz about Sarah Palin’s book, GOING ROGUE.  But there’s even MORE buzz about the Bat Boy book, GOING MUTANT.

Let’s look at a side by side comparison:

Home state:   Alaska                                                        Home state:  West Virginia

Supports gay  marriage                                                   Opposes gay marriage

Did not fight in Afghan war                                           Earned two Purple Hearts in Afghan War.

Can see Russia from her porch.                                    Lives in a cave – has no view

Wants lower taxes                                                           Wants more Spam

Bark worst than bite                                                       Bite is pretty damn bad

Loves God and County                                                   Loves mosquitoes

Doesn’t read any magazines                                         Likes to rip magazines to shreds

Kills moose                                                                       Kills moose better

Wants to be President                                                   Will be President

IQ:   105                                                                            IQ:  220

Mama Grizzly                                                                   Bat Boy

So which book would you rather read?   Of course, GOING MUTANT… And YOU CAN GET IT HERE.

Sarah’s reading it, why aren’t you???

WASILLA, AK – Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska last week.  In a startling press conference, she has revealed her new mission: hunting Bigfoot.

Sarah Palin has officially resigned as Governor of Alaska, in a move she swears has nothing to do with an ongoing police investigation.  Residents of the state, in an outpouring of support, took to the streets waving signs saying “We Love You Sarah!” and pictures of bikini models with her face glued on.  Palin gave her last speech as Governor in her favorite bar; out of respect, hot wings were half off for the next hour.

Over the weekend Palin held the much anticipated press conference to announce her new project.  Inviting members of the press into her home yet again, she brought them into her previously unseen trophy room.  After several minutes of down-homey speaking and adorably incorrect grammar, she removed the sheet hanging behind her to reveal the mounted heads of a dozen sasquatches and several other cryptids.  “My new purpose in life” she said “is to bring the joy of hunting these elusive creatures to as many people as possible!”

In the official press packet delivered to media outlets, Palin’s plan was more clearly outlined.  She hopes to advocate the mass hunting of Bigfoot in America.  Starting in Alaska she will work to not only remove limits on hunting the endangered species, but encourage as many people as possible to do so.  “The existence of this so-called ‘Missing Link’ is a slap in the face to God, and the faith of real Americans.”

Palin has a history of hunting Bigfoot, as documented last year by Weekly World News.

Once done in Alaska, she hopes to move on to other states, encouraging the hunting of other animals whose existence calls to question a literal interpretation of the Bible.  Placed upon her wall were the heads of a dozen Sasquatches, several Chupacabra, the horn of a narwhal, and one Jersey Devil.

Heads of the Mutant Anti-Defamation League are up in arms over this move.  They believe that encouraging violence towards these creatures could easily lead to people hunting mutants as well.  Environmental groups are also furious at the ecological impact of intentionally hunting several rare species into extinction.

In response to questions raised by these groups, Palin simply shrugged and smiled, saying, “I just gotta be me!”

WASILLA, AK – Tina Fey, who has made headlines recently by impersonating Governor Sarah Palin, has gone so far as to lampoon her famous aerial shooting of a Bigfoot.

Cast and crew of the show Saturday Night Live flew out yesterday to Chugach National Park in Alaska to film a sketch for their special Thursday show.

After several passes pretending to fire an M240 machine gun at Andy Samberg in a costume, Fey and crew touched down in a helicopter mere yards from where Palin’s shooting took place.  While recreating Palin’s classic pose, complete with Fey carrying her own daughter in a Baby Bjorn, an actual Sasquatch came out from the tree line, apparently angered by Fey’s uncanny resemblance to the Alaska governor.

Production assistants and interns were ordered to stand in front of the massive primate and defend Tina Fey with their lives.

Thinking quickly the Emmy-winning comedienne grabbed a tranquilizer gun which had been brought in case of moose or bear problems and shot the rampaging creature, saving the lives of dozens.

Sources within NBC say the segment cannot be aired due to issues with the Federal Wildlife Commission; however leaked footage is beginning to circulate on the internet.

Andy Samberg, mauled to death in the incident, will be replaced by a shaggy haired monkey who will be dressed in ironic t-shirts and taught to smirk at the camera.

Racy photos have emerged of Sarah Palin posing with alien beer during her beauty queen days. A young Palin is clearly seen in an advertisement for Old Clandathuu’s Best lager.

Sarah Palin, beauty queen turned Vice Presidential hopeful, was crowned Miss Wasilla, Alaska in 1984.  Television coverage was broadcast from the event and picked up by aliens on the planet Wazeela.

Wazeelans, noticing for the similarity to their own planet’s name, were entranced by Palin, who won the contest easily after field dressing a moose for the talent portion.

Shortly after her win, Palin was approached by executives from Old Clandathuu’s Best for a brief advertising shoot.

Some are worried that the racy photos, featuring Palin in a swimsuit and tiara with a suggestively foaming beer bottle, could damage her folksy image or her credibility as a leader.  Sean Hannity decried these concerns as “sexist” continuing, “So what if she’s a babe?”

Given her renewed celebrity, one of Wazeela’s premier gentlemen’s magazines has offered Palin the chance to pose for a centerfold, should her election bid go south.

The McCain/Palin campaign has yet to comment officially on the issue. Palin’s relationship with Wazeela has been investigated before.

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.

WASILLA, AK – Representatives from the McCain Campaign have confirmed that Vice Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, will spend the Columbus Day holiday on a witch hunt.

Accompanied by her spiritual advisor, Pastor Muthee, Palin will canvass her hometown of Wasilla for witches.  Muthee is famous for reducing crime in Kenya by ridding towns of the witches following the teachings of Satan.

Palin and Muthee believe that Wasilla, given the unflattering nickname “The Meth Capitol of Alaska,” is a prime target for a witch hunt.

“There has been a lot of talk lately about patriotism.  Nothing is less patriotic than Satan,” the Governor’s husband Todd told reporters outside of Speedy Donuts after a recent campaign stop in suburban Ohio.

“On Columbus Day, Sarah is going to do her patriotic duty of hunting down the witches that are defiling Wasilla with their vile practices.  What better way to spend America’s birthday than on a good old fashioned, Salem-style witch hunt?”

Responding to a question on if she thought killing witches was her patriotic duty, Governor Palin said, “Doggonit, you betcha!”

Asked if she believed Columbus Day, rather than Independence Day, marked America’s birthday, the Governor replied, “In what way, Charlie?”

WASILLA, AK – Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska.  Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species.  Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.

Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture.  Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.