WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said The U.S. Constitution is out-of-date, so he is ripping it up and writing a new one.

President Barack Obama told reporters last night that the U.S. Constitution has become a hindrance to progress in America.  “The document is so out-dated, that it is now becoming a hindrance to governing the country.”

Obama said that he has signed an Executive Order voiding the U.S. Constitution.  “We need to move forward.  We need change.”

Obama said he has already drafted a new constitution and that Americans “will love what I came up with.”   Insiders say that Obama is keeping a lot of old elements from the original constitution “he’s just making it better, bringing it into the 21st century,” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Many Democrats said that President Obama was a constitutional scholar and probably the only President – since the Founding Fathers – who is qualified to change the Constitution.

“President Obama knows more about the Constitution than  any man who has ever lived,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.  “It’s about time we changed that document and we are lucky to have President Obama to do it.”

Republicans, of course, were outraged that Obama would even consider changing the constitution, and they vowed to fight.   “We will fight this to the bitter end,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, “there’s no way we are going to let the Constitution of the United States be altered even a little bit.   If there are changes to be made to the Constitution it should be done the appropriate way – through amendments and we think Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor are the ones to make any changes.”

Insiders say the new Constitution will look a lot like the constitutions of Kenya, France and Soviet Russia.

There are many, many changes in the New U.S. Constitution, but here are a few of the highlights.

1) SUPREME COURT – Will now have 11 members, which reflects the growing U.S. population. President Obama will appoint two new members immediately.  The President can name a new justice without needing the approval of Congress.

2) EXECUTIVE FINANCIAL POWER – The President will have the power to unilaterally enact any financial policy he chooses, without approval of Congress.  He must inform them, but they will not “stop” him (or her) from promoting their agenda.

3) LOBBYISTS – They will now be outlawed. There will be no more lobbyists in Washington.  However, there are some exemptions outlined in the New Constitution” :  Trial Lawyers, National Education Association and unions.  They will all be able to lobby.

4) REPRESENTATION – California, New York and Illinois will double the number of representatives in Congress – permanently.  “The President feels that the smartest people in the country live in these states, so they should be over-represented,” said Jay Carney.

5) GUNS & RELIGION – Both will be banned in the United States.

WASHINGTON, DC – Budget crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for financial aid.

The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on March 4 of this year and if a temporary spending bill is not put into place beforehand, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.

Republicans have proposed $60 billion in federal spending cuts in order to keep the U.S. government out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. And although the house is now under Republican control, there are still concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.

As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.

Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Planned Parenthood and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams.  P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR.  P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.

P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.

“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”

Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the 2008 elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.

“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”

WASHINGTON – U.S. Army is now allowing minors to serve in the military in preparation for a war with Libya.

The U.S. armed forces are looking to increase the number of available ground troops in order to prepare for an invasion of Libya. And with the U.S. being overextended in several countries due to its current war efforts, the U.S. Army has now decided to allow Americans as young as 10 years of age to enlist.

The decision came shortly after the U.S. Army announcement that a young boy from Louisiana would be an honorary member. Upon seeing the motivation and excitement from the recent young recruit, General George W. Casey Jr. got the idea to make the radical decision allowing children to enlist.

“The situation in Libya is just getting out of control and we can no longer sit idly by,” explained General Casey, “We need to get troops on the ground there ASAP, but with most all of our troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq, we see no other choice but to lower the enrollment age.”

Several parents groups are up in arms over the announcement that the U.S. military is now actively trying to enlist minors into the armed services.

“It’s bad enough that they have Army recruitment facilities in malls throughout the U.S. These facilities have been nothing more than an arcade that allows kids to play video games for free. But now adding the element of attempting to coerce children into enlisting, that is just unconscionable!” said Shelly Silverman president of the newly formed organization Mothers Against Recruiting Teens and Youngster Recruitment.

However, not everyone sees this as a bad thing though.

“Most of the kids in America need a swift kick in the pants anyway. They all think that they know what war is all about because they play Call of Duty and Metal of Honor on their Xboxs and PS3s, but they don’t know crap about war,” said Bill Meriwether, a decorated war vet, “Have any of these 10 year olds video jockeys held a man in their arms as he bleeds to death from shrapnel being logged in his genitals? I doubt it. I say let ‘em get their hands dirty and see what it’s all about.”

Currently, minors may only enlist on a volunteer basis but do not require parental consent. No word if the draft will be reinstated. It is still up for debate. But based on the overwhelming need for troops and the recent decision to enlist youngsters, it will only be a matter of months before everyone from 10 to 55 will be drafted for the impending war with Libya.

WASHINGTON -  A phenomenon known as natural decrease is becoming a pseudo pandemic within the U.S.

Natural decrease is when a region experiences more deaths than births causing the population to slowly decline. Currently, 1 in 4 U.S. counties is experiencing this phenomenon and the number of counties affected is rising at an alarming rate. If measures are not taken soon, the United States of America will simply cease to exist.

A report on this topic by Kenneth Johnson, a sociology professor and demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey Institute, was recently brought to the attention of Congress. The report cited that extreme actions are required to combat this widespread happening. In addition, it stated that if no action is taken, the economic crisis that the U.S. is currently facing will exponentially amplify causing the nation to become an impoverished war-torn state where adults kill babies for food, further worsening the situation.

Congress determined that the best way to combat natural decrease is to enforce a 21^st century baby boom on all U.S. citizens. In order to create the new boom, Congress has put forth a bill that will ban the sale and use of any contraception in the U.S. until 2024. Some forms of banned contraception included in the bill are: condoms, RU486 (the morning after pill), oral contraceptive birth control (the pill), diaphragms, IUD (intrauterine devices), and early withdrawal. It is still unclear exactly how Congress plans to enforce the ban on the last method.

The logic behind the bill is rooted in the basic principle that the more people who you have in a workforce the more tax revenue you will generate.

Talk of a nation burdened with years of sleepless nights and the landfills overflowing with dirty diapers and forgotten toys was rampant on the floor of the House last week. But in the end, everyone, for once, agreed that this bill would not only help the struggling economy but also resolve concerns that Medicaid and Medicare would run dry.

Advocates of the pornography industry are infuriated by the news sending the industry into a frenzy making plans to leave the U.S. to set up new studios in Canada and Mexico.

“If this bill passes there is now way that we can continue to film in the U.S. unless we allow all of our stars to become pregnant and that just will not do. We are not all into making preggo films,” stated a top executive from the industry, “Not to mention that without the money shot, all of our films will tank.”

Due to the controversial nature of the bill, it will be included on the 2012 ballot allowing U.S. citizens to vote this bill into law. In the mean time cast your vote .

SEATTLE, WA – A dead cow washes ashore with the Mark of the Alien

Late last week a 400-pound cow washed ashore in West Seattle. The animal beached itself near the 5900 block of Beach Drive on Wednesday, Feb. 2. The cow was discovered by two children who were skipping down the beach, hand in hand, singing “Old McDonald Had a Farm”. The two youngsters literally tripped over the beached bovine, both taking face plants in the sand. Upon noticing the dead cow, they immediately screamed and ran home to get their mommy.

Cindy Townson, mother of the two children, unable to believe the story, went to the location where the children found the animal and was instantly concerned by what she saw. Townson, who sits on the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials, took immediate note of The Mark of the Alien that she saw on the hind quarters of the cow.  Townson decided to call WWN today to insure that the public would know of the discovery.

“We have seen this mark before and just recently too, with the mass killings of the fish and birds last month,” explained Townson over the phone, “What concerns me most by this is that the aliens have moved up in the animal kingdom.”

Townson went on to explain that the aliens are clearly getting closer to beginning their all out assault on mankind since they have now figured out how to kill more complex organisms.

“I see this cow as a sign from the aliens, similar to that of when studio head Jack Woltz wakes up to find the severed head of a horse next to him in bed, like in the Godfather. This is most certainly a message being sent to us that the invasion is imminent and forthcoming,” stated Townson, “All inhabitants of earth need to be aware of this. We must stay vigilant if we want to survive this invasion.”

Later that same day the Seattle Police Department Harbor Patrol came by and towed the animal away with a Police boat to the Don Armeni boat ramp where it was picked up by Animal Control.

Authorities are trying to cover up the alien invasion by reporting that the owner of the cow must have dumped the carcass into the Puget Sound after the bovine had died of natural causes. But thanks to Townson’s willingness to share her knowledge we know differently.

PORTLAND, OR – Festivities ramp up for the 5^th Annual National Soup Swap Day.

This Saturday is National Soup Swap Day and plans for several celebrations are already in the works. This relatively new national holiday has gone seemingly unnoticed for the past four years. However, now in its fifth year, it has begun to pick up more momentum throughout the country. The first soup swap took place in tree hugging Seattle, WA where the residents needed to find a way to beat the depressing rain and gloom.

In order to battle with the meteorological misery, Knox Gardner came up with the idea to eat soup and get drunk with friends and family. On that historic day, everyone brought a soup and immediately they realized that there was way too much soup for all to consume. In the end, they decided to swap the soups that they brought and the glorious day where everyone gathers about to drink and share soups was born.

Jim Richards of Portland, Oregon, which according to Gardener is “one of the centers of the Soup Swap craze”, intends to continue his own soup swap event that he recently started.

“Last year was a great success, it just got a little bit out of control,” said Richards. He explained that during the festivities people were so into the exchange that a food fight broke out. He also said under his breath, “They were pretty damn drunk too!” Normally a food fight would sound like good fun but when it involves scalding hot soup and a bunch of drunks, it can quickly become tragic. “75% of last years attendees were sent to the ER for third degree burns,” explained Richards, “the other 25% were unharmed because they were only hit with Gazpacho.”

This year Richards has changed his format. Instead of bringing piping hot soups, guests will bring six frozen quarts of their favorite creations to swap with one another. He is also imposing a three drink limit to insure that things do not get out of hand again. “The last thing that we need is for someone to get drunk and heave a frozen quart of soup at someone’s head,” said Richards.

Richards also sent out an invitation to the Shaanxi Provincial Institute of Archaeology in China. “We’re really hoping that they will bring some of that 2,400 year old soup that we’ve been hearing about. We’ve all been dying to try some,” exclaimed Richards.

Bella may prefer Edward to Jacob, but when it comes to Kristen Stewart, she’s Team Alien all the way.

In a recent interview with Weekly World News reporter, Tap Vann, Kristen revealed that she has always had an unusual connection to aliens – and now has several of them living her Beverly Hills home.  Vann suggested to Kristen that it might not be safe (or legal) for Kristen to keep aliens, but she said that she felt more comfortable with beings from other planets, than with people here on earth (particularly tabloid writers).  Kristen ran into the aliens at Club Space in South Beach, where they were literally dancing up a storm. All the aliens seem to be male – though it’s hard to tell because they don’t have bodies.

Many Twilight fans are scared that Kristen will be harmed by the aliens, but Kristen isn’t concerned at all. “Compared to werewolves and vampires, aliens are a lot nicer, a lot less violent and a lot funnier.  “They really know how to make a girl laugh!”  Just last week the aliens pulled a prank on Robert Pattinson – they abducted him, took him to the moon and “bothered” him until he stopped saying the word “bothered.”  Kristen was rolling on the floor laughing when they brought him back to earth.

Although the majority of Twilight fans are on Team Edward, and the rest on Team Jacob, Kristen feels strongly that Bella shouldn’t be with either one. “Bella should be on Team Alien, like me.”  Kristen went on to say that “Bella can attract the best-looking vampire and the best-looking werewolf in her high school and I know she could capture the attention of at least a few decent-looking humans as well, but what really would turn her on is hooking up with a couple of aliens, particularly red aliens without bodies.”

Kristen feels that it is ridiculous for girls to have only two choices: vampires or werewolves. Aliens are gentle, caring and they all have such big, beautiful eyes.  “And I like the fact that I don’t have to deal with a guy who sucks blood or who occasionally gets covered in gnarly hair and howls at the moon.  That’s boring to me.”

Kristen’s four aliens – Ethu, Orsi, Lhuc and Xip – are with her at all times and are looking forward to being on the set of her new movie, “On The Road,”  based on the Jack Kerouac novel.   Ethu said  he was a beatnik at heart and remembers playing bongos with Ken Kesey at Area 51 back in 1959.

There are persistent rumors that Kristen is in a romantic relationship with Robert Pattinson.  His publicist won’t confirm or deny the relationship, but she did say that ever since R-Patz  learned about the four aliens living in Kristen’s house, he has become insanely jealous and… bothered.

Weekly World News has confirmed that Ethu, Orsi, Lhuc and Xip will each have cameos in the final installment of the Twilight saga.

WASHINGTON, DC – The growing threat of global pandemic resulting from Swine Flu has health organizations worldwide searching for an origin. But Republicans already have their theory – Pig World Domination!

With even the White House susceptible to the airborne, human-contact-spreading, continually-mutating, dozens-infecting new strain of animal born flu, the World Health Organization raised the threat level of global pandemic to 5, the second highest level.  With this, the WHO declared that the possibility of a global pandemic is not just possible, but so very very likely to happen.

Republicans gathered behind closed doors Wednesday to discuss the issue and how they can best serve their constituents in light of the Senate’s approval of Kansas Governor Kathleen “Oh So Liberal” Sebelius as the President’s Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Their findings on the origin of the outbreak, while surprising, are well researched and the only logical cause of the disease: a global conspiracy of pigs to undermine the international economy causing panic, famine, war and, naturally, pestilence in order to eventually overthrow mankind, enslaving the human race and assuming top of the food-chain status.

“We are here to say that we are on to your games, porkers, and while you have sickened more than a few dozen people, we will fight you to the death and eat you in victory,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky said in a written statement addressed to “Failed Pig Overlords.”

“It is clear that the pigs are seeking revenge for centuries of satiating humans with their delicious meat, succulent innards, and general finger-lickin’ good suckling roasted piglets,” McConnell’s statement continued.

“We don’t know yet how exactly they first passed their heinous flu virus to humans, but now that we know their intent and the extent to which they are willing to go to achieve their horrible goals, we can better act to stop it.”

McConnell’s statement, undersigned “Righteous Republicans for Human Dominance,” sent a shock wave throughout a world eager for answers and vaccines.

“I have no intention of going to Mexico, or Canada, or Spain, or New York, none of those places where the pigs are already taking over,” Mississippi resident Mary Beth Dingler wrote on a blog dedicated to spreading up-to-the-minute information about the conspiracy.  “My cousin a few towns over had a pig farm, but soon as she heard what they planning, she took care of them pork chops.”

Others however, were not as quick to accept the Republicans claims of a united global swine uprising.

“The Republicans are always on the look out for the latest conspiracy to overthrow mankind,” Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-IL) told reporters.  “First it was the killer bees swarming en mass from Africa to enslave humans in honey trafficking.”

“Then, Asian birds dropping flu from the skies to make mankind their two-legged land-steeds.”

“I refuse to believe that pigs are behind this latest pandemic.  I’ve read Animal Farm, I know pigs are smart, but why would they even want to enslave mankind?  Pork is delicious, even pigs cannibalize their own, they know they’re totally yummy.”

Durbin added, “Humans aren’t delicious.  Not that I would know.”

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

I’m madder than a spitting camel at our new Communist-in-Chief!

First he goes to England, gives the Queen records of his own speeches, and lets his wife hug the old broad! (Like I said last week: at least Michelle didn’t try to give the Queen the fist bump!)

But then it got worse. The Teleprompter Kid met some A-rab king and bowed down to the guy! He didn’t bow to the Queen, did he? OK, the Queen doesn’t have billions of gallons of oil on her land, unless you count the vats of grease they cook their food in. But Sarah Palin has billions of dollars of oil on HER land and Obama would rather eat raw moose meat than bow to Sarah!

The A-rabs should be bowing to US! They use our army because they don’t have their own since the Israelis wrecked their old one. The A-rabs are good at chopping each other’s heads off for stealing a falafel, but they couldn’t win a fight with Jerry Seinfeld?

All A-rabs do all day is put on their weird Snuggie outfits and go shopping for diamonds and Cadillacs. The only smart thing about A-rabs is they don’t let their women drive, and if you’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart parking lot, you know that’s a good idea!

That’s who Obama bowed down to? If you can’t be bothered bowing down to the offspring of a bunch of homely, hemophiliac Krauts, why curtsy to the grandson of some illiterate desert bandit wearing a tea towel?

That’s what were getting for the next four years, my fellow Americans!
When the spacemen land in DC, expect Obama to kiss their little green feet!