HOUSTON – NASA predicts that the satellite falling to earth will hit Washington DC – and probably the Capitol building!

On Friday morning, the space agency issued an update about its defunct Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, which is dropping out of the sky more slowly than anticipated.

“Re-entry is expected late Friday, Sept. 23, or early Saturday, Sept. 24, Eastern Daylight Time,” NASA said. “The satellite’s orientation or configuration apparently has changed, and that is now slowing its descent. And we predict that it will hit Washington DC and, more precisely, the Capitol Building.”

The six-ton satellite circles the Earth on a tilted orbit, and as the planet turns each day, different locations pass underneath. The satellite’s orbit on Friday afternoon will not take it over any part of North America, but by Saturday, parts of the United States will again be in its path.

“There is a low probability any debris that survives re-entry will land in the United States, but the possibility cannot be discounted because of this changing rate of descent,” NASA said.

At least 26 pieces, the largest 330 pounds, are expected to survive the plunge and land along a path 500 miles long.

Many in Washington are laughing at the possibility that a falling satellite would take a direct hit on the Capitol.   “That couldn’t happen. Not in a gazillion years,” said former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

But, in case, the Congress is shutting down and Senators and Congressman are heading for the Caribbean Islands, “so we can be safe,” said Pelosi.

Others in Washington are hoping that the satellite hits the Capitol, so that maybe we can start over and hopefully with a whole new batch of legislators.

“Washington is broken.  Maybe the satellite hitting it will be a sign that we have to start over,” said Scott Bunshoe of the Pentagon.

NASA has forecast a 1-in-2 chance that that debris from satellite will hit the Capitol.

Place your bets!!

WASHINGTON, DC – Budget crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for financial aid.

The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on March 4 of this year and if a temporary spending bill is not put into place beforehand, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.

Republicans have proposed $60 billion in federal spending cuts in order to keep the U.S. government out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. And although the house is now under Republican control, there are still concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.

As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.

Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Planned Parenthood and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams.  P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR.  P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.

P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.

“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”

Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the 2008 elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.

“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”

WASHINGTON – With supplies of execution drugs disappearing, the U.S. has turned to more primitive methods of execution.

Earlier this week the Federal government informed state attorney’s throughout the nation that the supply of a key drug used for executions has run dry. The missing drug in question is called sodium thiopental, an anesthetic used during lethal injection executions.

“At the present time, the federal government does not have any reserves of sodium thiopental for lethal injections and is therefore facing the same dilemma as many states,” wrote U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder in a March 4 letter sent to the National Association of Attorneys.

Further on in the letter Holder explains that the manufacture of the drug went out of business due to the company’s inability to escape the deadly grasp of the struggling economy.

Many federal officials along with the Bureau of Prisons’ general council have been researching alternate forms of exhibition due this “execution crisis.” So far the only state that has come forward with a plan is Ohio which will inject a surgical sedative called pentobarbital to perform their lethal injection executions.

However, the stock pile of this drug is also reported to be on its last legs as well. No other facilities are stepping forward to create more sodium thiopental or pentobarbital and with energy costs continuing to soar, the U.S. sees no way in the foreseeable future to sustain the use of modern execution techniques.

Therefore, starting in the fall of 2011 the U.S. will no longer perform executions by lethal injection, the electric chair or the gas chamber. From that point forward the U.S. will employ the following execution styles for all capital offenses.

Firing Squad

In this method the condemned is restrained, blindfolded and often given a last cigarette. But as this will be taking place in the U.S. the condemned will not longer be offered a last cigarette as smoking is bad for one’s health.

Guillotine

Although, outlawed in almost all countries the practice of cutting off the offenders head with a large angled blade has mad somewhat of a come back in the past decade. Artist Tom Sachs was commissioned by Chanel to make this guillotine as seen below. The U.S. saw the advertising potential here and quickly added this method to the list of new execution styles.

Stoning

Common tradition with this practice is to bury the criminal in the ground while stones are thrown at the individual until they are dead. Middle Eastern countries that employ this method bury men only up to their waists and women up to their shoulders. But like mentioned before, this will be taking place in the U.S. so both men and women will be buried up to their shoulders. Men and women have equal rights in the U.S.; to do it any other way would simply be uncivilized.

WASHINGTON, DC – Joshes of the world unite to protest the use of the phrase “Just Joshing”

Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Joshes and non-Joshes alike gathered in Washington D.C. to raise awareness about the fact that Joshes can be serious. For over 100 years the phrase “just joshing” has been synonymous with teasing, playful banter and all around tom foolery.

The rally has been almost five years in the making by Josh Thompson, founder of Joshes Earnestly Standing Together (JEST) the organizing group behind the protest. In early 2006 Thompson started a Facebook page for JEST.

As popularity quickly grew he knew that he had to take it to the next level. Thompson immediately shifted into high gear rallying as many Joshes as he knew for what he calls the Million Josh March. Shortly after he began the drive to liberate Joshes from their funny prison, Josh Groban wrote the hit song, “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)” after being inspired by Thompson’s quest. Groban performed at the rally bringing tears to the eyes of many Joshes in the crowd.

Merriam-Webster defines josh as: to engage in banter or to tease good-naturedly. The origin of the phrase, however, is somewhat of a mystery. There are two schools of thought with respect to its origins. Several Joshes believe that the use of the phrase began when a deaf American named Josh Tatum passed off ambiguous nickels as five dollar gold coins when purchasing goods from general stores in the late 1800s.

He purchased items that cost exactly a nickel in hopes of receiving $4.95 in change from the vendor, giving birth to the phrase as the act was likening to a prank or joke. However, with the story having a great sense of folklore and urban legend, most Joshes believe that the phrase is derived from the merging of the words ‘joke’ and ‘bosh.’

Thompson addressed the crowd stating, “There are many famous noteworthy Joshes throughout history that have not been jokesters. There’s the famous Indian poet Josh Malihabadi, U2’s socially and politically conscious album, The Joshua Tree and of course The Book of Joshua from the Bible as the famous author Josh Billings once wrote, ‘Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.’ But we will not remain silent today in order to win this battle. Folks, we aren’t kidding around.”

WASHINGTON – JFK’s eternal flame is going green!Sources close to WWW announced today that plans are underway to commemorate the 50^th anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy by updating the Arlington National Cemetery tomb.

Walter Berger, formerly with the Department of Public Efficiencies, was quoted as saying that it was about time for a new look at the old memorial. “Young people today are much more aware of the environment. The ecological torch has been passed to a new generation.”

Workmen are currently taking measurements in preparation for replacing the old gas line that fueled the “eternal flame” with power to illuminate a modest Compact Fluorescent Light (CFL) at the site.

“The installation and the annual operating cost of the new light is nothing compared to the message we send to the rest of the world” Berger averred.

Official unveiling of the improvements to JFK’s resting place are scheduled for later on in November. At which time those members of the Kennedy family who are not presently incarcerated will preside over a formal ceremony.

WASHINGTON – Chinese President Hu Jintao will be getting the royal treatment at a White House State Dinner.

Wednesday will be the first time in 13 years since the White House has hosted an event that will honor China. US foreign relations officials are crossing their fingers that this black-tie affair will ease tensions that have been developing between the two economic superpowers.

As is with usual White House practice, the specifics of the event are kept secret until shortly before the event is scheduled to begin. However, Weekly World News has been able to uncover some specifics about tomorrow’s event.

Sources were unable to confirm the specifications of the menu but have been able to narrow down the possibilities into two choices. The event will either be catered by Philip Chiang, co-founder of P.F. Chang’s China Bistro or the Obamas will simply order take out from Grand Szechuan II, a popular Chinese take out restaurant in the DC area. Their egg rolls are to die for.

The menu may still be a slight mystery but WWN was able to confirm other aspects of the evening’s festivities. As guests arrive, fireworks will be set off and every guest will be given a lit sparkler to wave about. Michelle Obama will be wearing a custom designed, red, white and blue clad Hanfu. She will have her hair up, of course, and held in place with two golden chopsticks. It is unclear if she will use those chopsticks to eat dinner or not. In addition to the first lady’s traditional Chinese garb, the Obamas have decided to bind the feet of Malia Ann and Sasha just for the occasion.

The banquet hall will be strung with thousands of multi colored paper lanterns and each table setting will have its own unique origami animal that will represent each and every guest. As guests enter they will be instructed to guess which origami animal best represents them and sit at that place setting. This sounds like a disaster in the making if you ask me, but the Obamas know best.

Rumor has it that Chinese President Hu Jintao plans to follow in the foot steps of  former Chinese President Jiang Zemin and sing on stage during the evening’s festivities. Insider sources have said that Jintao has been practicing singing Guns and Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and Britney Spears’ “Toxic” on his karaoke machine back in China. Let’s hope the band knows these classics.

Since dinner tickets are extremely sought after there is little chance that any of us will be able to attend. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that Washington’s very own Ticketmaster Ted will find a way to get a hold of some. You can usually find Ted just past the required 1,500 feet needed in order to sell tickets to the event.  You’ll have no problems recognizing Ted. He’s the one with the mullet in the Redskins jersey.

HADES – The Devil, overwhelmed by people selling their souls, is putting a temporary freeze on soul purchases .

2010 has been a record year for soul selling. “We’re booming! We got contracts lined up back-and-forth across Hades,” the Devil told WWN. “More people than ever are selling their souls, wanting to satisfy all their earthly desires. I don’t even need any helpers anymore, these people are coming to me!”

The Devil began making deals (or Faustian bargains) back in the first century A.D.  It’s a simple contract: an individual sells his or her soul to the devil in exchange for earthly favors. Then when that person dies – “your ass is mine.”  The “favors” are the usual run-of-the-mill vanities:  youth, knowledge, wealth, power, sex and free beer. As Bob Tartaro from Columbus, Oh said, “A lifetime of free beer in exchange for eternal damnation? It’s a no-brainer!”

Even though eternity is a helluva lot longer than the typical lifespan, many individuals are more focused on immediate gratification.  “Eternity be damned, I want power now!” said Congressman Anthony Weiner of New York.  No, it’s not just Democrats that are selling their souls.  “We have 98% of Congress signed up,” said the Devil.  “I hope to get to 100% by November.”

There have been some individuals over the years that signed the pact because they acknowledged the Devil as their “master.”  The Devil has a name for these souls – “suckers.”

WWN talked to Professor Almaberga Montipedo, a demonologist at the University of Vermont, about the Devil’s temporary freeze.  “It’s understandable. The Devil can’t take everybody. There has to be some admission guidelines. If everybody on earth was getting what they wanted, having all their desires come true, then there’d be no suffering on earth, and the Devil just doesn’t like that.  It gives him great joy to see people in pain.”

Asked why she thinks there is such a rush on soul-selling in 2010, Montipedo said, “Whenever there’s an economic downturn, people turn to the Devil.  It’s an easy fix. Plus, he had a great special earlier this year.  He was offering 90 virgins to anybody that signed up.  And, you get the virgins when you’re on earth.”

Capitalizing on the freeze, a new web site that has popped up:  www.devilcontractexchange.com, which allows people to buy and sell their contracts with the Devil. The Devil likes the attempt at trying to get around his freeze, but said “it’s not going to work.  I have fire on my side.”

The Devil said the “soul-buying freeze” will be in effect for the rest of 2010.  But he’ll be open for business again on January 1, 2011 – good news for American Idol hopefuls!

Fro some reason, musicians seem to be fond of selling their souls. Here’s one of Satan’s favorite YouTube videos about some of his past clients:

And of course, there’s the Crossroads.  The Devil is not confirming (or denying) that he made a deal with Robert Johnson. What do you think?

WASHINGTON D.C. – Half of America declared a Snow Day on Wednesday.  Yetis were spotted all along the east coast.  

Wednesday brought a blizzard that blanketed most of the east coast in over a foot of snow.  Washington DC, New York City, and the entire state of Virginia declared a Snow Day and shut down business.  With entire populations out enjoying the snow a surprising number of Yetis were sighted.

Known also as Abominable Snow Men, Yetis are the reclusive snowbound cousin to the more common Sasquatch, or Bigfoot.  In cities and towns across the eastern seaboard these elusive creatures were sighted by curious children and frightened adults.  911 operators were inundated with calls reporting the mythic creatures looking through dumpsters and loitering outside of stores.  Emergency services would give advice but refused to go out because it was too cold.  “If nobody’s hurt, then I’m staying here with my hot cocoa!” said one anonymous ambulance driver.  In Athens, GA, several college students chanced upon a frightened Yeti and fed it some of their brownies.  Shortly thereafter the creature calmed down and they were able to braid its hair and teach it to join a drum circle.

“The Yeti is a profoundly gentle creature” said Dr. Stephen Morley, a Cryptozoologist with Penn State University.  “They are accustomed to their very sheltered mountain habitat.  It is most likely they were brought down by the blizzard, simply exploring new territory that was habitable to them.  Now they’re just confused and trying to find acclimate to a new environment.  That anyone would hunt or mistreat them is morally reprehensible.”  However some residents have very different response to the creatures.

“Dang near took my arm off!” said Eileen Troubador, a convenience store owner from Kentucky.  “He came round here, rootin’ through my trash.  I called animal services, but they was already dealing with a herd or pack or whatever ya call ‘em that had made a nest down by the high school.  So I went out with a broom to try an’ shoo ‘im away.  Well he came at me quicker’n you could spit and thank the Lord my son had a gun cause he scared the critter away.  Grabbed the breakfast burrito outta my hand an ran off into the bushes.”

Across the country snow day vandalism is being blamed on yetis.    Further inspection typically proves it was the work of destructive adolescents.  Though a Yeti could easily break a window and steal snack cakes, they are less likely to have spray-painted “Weiner” on the walls.

These false claims of violence have led to Yeti hunting parties throughout the south-eastern US.  Using their day off to enjoy some recreational hunting groups of men patrolled their towns and nearby forests for the rare creatures.  No Yetis have been hurt, but 14 hunters have been shot by alcohol influenced friendly fire incidents.  Jake Morelli of Allachua County, VA, shot what he thought was a Yeti while sitting on the toilet in his double-wide home.  It turned out to be aparticularly hairy neighbor who had been locked out of his house naked for throwing away his wife’s Nascar slash fiction.  He is in stable condition and is expected make a full recovery.

WASHINGTON D.C. – According to a new poll a majority of the GOP thinks that President Obama is a racist, socialist, and non-US citizen.  Their other beliefs will shock you!

A new poll was released by Daily Kos, outlining the beliefs of Republicans and their extreme distrust of President Obama.  Over two thousand self-identified Republicans were polled across the country.  It is important to note that the self-identified Conservatives, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, and Independents, who are even more politically conservative and make up roughly half the Fox News demographic, were not included in the poll.

39% of Republicans believe President Obama should be impeached.  27% believe impeachment should be considered.  When asked exactly what laws President Obama has broken that would warrant impeachment, participants were unsure.  58% answered something to the effect that “He’s trying to destroy America!”

63% of Republicans think that President Obama is a Socialist.  58% believe that he is trying to turn America into a European style Socialist country.  45% of Republicans believe that Obama considers Vladimir Lenin a personal hero.  27% believe that it is at least feasible that the President does or at one time has dressed up as Lenin.  18% believe that the President or the Democratic Party purchased Lenin’s remains after the fall of the Soviet Union and looks on it regularly for inspiration.    3% believe that Obama is Lenin reincarnated and getting revenge on the United States.  85% of Republicans are unsure of the difference between Socialism and Communism.

53% of Republicans think it is likely that President Obama was not born in the United States.  39% believe he definitely was not, and that the Democratic Party has successfully covered up the truth of his birth in Kenya.  This is all while being unable to pass the Health Care bill while holding a super-majority.

23% of Republicans believe that ACORN stole the 2008 election, with 55% of Republicans unsure.  21% believe their state should secede from the union.  12% would, in that case, support Glenn Beck as President of the new Conservative States of America.

53% of Republicans believe President Obama “wants the terrorists to win.”  37% believe it’s possible and warrants are being looked into.  49% believe the President is himself a “secret muslim.”  41% believe he is a “racist who hates white people.”    19% believe the President is the Antichrist, sent by Satan to destroy the human world.  48% of Republicans believe he is a likely candidate, but haven’t decided yet.  58% of Republicans think he could possibly be the Antichrist and a Socialist, Communist, Racist, secret Muslim, Kenyan native all at the same time.

WASHINGTON, DC – A wild deer was attacked after jumping into a lion enclosure!

The young female deer jumped into the lion area on Sunday. It landed in the moat, but was attacked by two lions after it swam ashore!

Onlookers began rooting the deer on as it fought to get free. “Everyone was cheering, ‘Go, go, go’ ” to encourage the deer, witness Josh Shpayher said. “Everyone was rooting for the deer.”

It eventually escaped back to the water, where it waited while zookeepers took the lions out.

Check out its miraculous escape below:

Sadly, the deer had suffered a fatal stomach wound and staff were forced to euthanize it.