According to records kept in Vatican City, more souls were sold to the devil in 2011, than any year since 1933.

Maybe it’s the tough financial times, maybe it’s the fact that more and more people are distancing themselves from organized religion or maybe more people than ever are willing to try anything to get what the want – but more people have “sold their souls” to the devil in 2011 than in any year going back to 1933.

How in the world can you track souls being sold?

Good question.  And one that we asked officials at the Vatican, who keep records of the devils “doings.”    WWN reporter, Foxington Delaware, went to the Vatican and spoke with Cardinal Bonfiori who told her that within the Vatican is a special room that tracks the Devil and his misdeeds and several priests sit there all day in psychic divine meditation and record the deals that are made.

Sound a bit farfetched?  We thought so, too.  But Foxington Delaware went into the “Devil Monitoring Chamber” and witnessed first-hand the Catholic monks who monitor the devil.  They do not speak – not to others, not to themselves. They just sit in a room and “channel” the devil’s henchmen and write down names, place, dates… deals.

“God knows all,” Cardinal Bonfiori told Foxington, “and our priests are trained to tap into the mind of God in this small, yet important way.”

A Vatican exorcist told WWN that people have been making pacts wit the Devil for centuries, but they always end in disaster.

“I knew a very attractive woman who couldn’t break into the world of cinema.”  Father Pellegrino Ernetti said. “She made  a pact with the Devil and immediately after was chosen as the star of a movie.

“The actress went on getting leading roles and became a stra in Italy. But the lifestyle led her to drugs and now as a heroin addict she is tootally under the control of the Devil.

“She asked me to h lep her break this pact, but became frighted of the possibility that without the support of Satan she would return to the miserable anonymity she lived before.”

Father Ernetti has been studying Devil pacts for 30 ears.  ”And I’ve spoken to priest in virtually every country who report these deals with Satan to the Vatican.  He recently published his finding in the Catholic weekly magazine Famiglia Cristiana.

In one of the most shocking cases last year, a man trapped in a satanic deal discovered the strength to break away from the demon’s clutches.

“A young French boxer made the pact after a disappointing career,” said Father Ernetti.  ”He began winning fights and was rising quickly to the top when he realized his opponents didn’t recover after the bouts, remaining disabled and handicapped for the rest of their lives.

“He found the courage to come to me for help. Afer a long and difficult series of exorcisms, I was able to rid him of the Devil.

“Now he is leading a happy, normal life working as a garage mechanic in Paris.”

The Vatican estimates that over 4 million people sold their souls to the devil in 2011, which was  up from 2.5 million in 2010.  The average before The Great Recession was 1 million a year.   The highest year on record, since the Vatican began keeping records was 6 million in 1933, the worst year of the Great Depression.

Is the Vatican making any of their own deals on souls?

They’re not saying…

But Foxington did get some names of some prominent Americans who sold their souls in 2011:

– Bill Maher

– Lindsay Lohan

– Herman Cain

– Courtney Stodden

–  Casey Anthony

– Kim Kardashian

– Charlie Sheen

– Nicki Minaj

Can you think of any others that probably sold their souls?

NEW YORK – The undead joined the protests on Wall Street.  900 zombies were arrested, but they ate themselves out of jail.

Throughout history Zombies have joined revolutions to help overthrow bad governments.

“Zombies usually lead the way in revolutions.  Maximilien de Robespierre is often given credit for leading the French Revolution but actually Jean-Pierre Pascal, a zombie, led the charge by organizing all the French zombies in an uprising,” said Zombie expert Tad Jurgenson of Brooklyn, New York.

Zombies have been socially and politically active over the last five centuries.  Many zombie experts credit them for ending World War II, ending slavery and for putting an end to the reign of Genghis Khan.

Meanwhile, Occupy Wall Street protests are popping up in other cities across the world.  Zombies are standing strong with the demonstrator in Boston, Atlanta, Denver, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, Baltimore and Boise.

Of course, Zombies have to eat and some “normal” protesters have to be eaten and sacrificed to keep the Zombies up and active, but “it’s a small price to pay to have the support of Zombies,” said Michael  Moore, a long time Zombie supporter.

More than 150,000 Zombies have agreed to march on the London Stock Exchange on Saturday, October 15.

Thank God for Zombies…

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NEW YORK – The Charging Bull of Wall Street mysteriously collapsed over the weekend.  What could this mean?

Wall Street traders, stock brokers and hedge fund managers were shocked when they got to work today.  The Charging Bull – a powerful symbol on Wall Street for decades – had fallen to the ground.

“I came to work and there I saw the bull, just lying there on the ground.  Kind of freaked me out,” said Goldman Sachs trader Dan Gipple.

The bull, sometimes referred to as the Wall Street Bull or the Bowling Green Bull , is a 7,100 lb bronze sculpture by Arturo Di Modica and had been standing in Bowling Green Park near Wall Street.

It had been standing at  11 feet tall.  It still and measures 16 feet long, but not it’s lying on the ground.

This is what it used to look like:

The Wall Street Bull is a symbol of aggressive financial optimism and prosperity.  The sculpture is both a popular tourist destination which draws thousands of people a day, as well as “one of the most iconic images of New York” and a “Wall Street icon” symbolizing “Wall Street” and the Financial District.

It was built following the 1987 stock market crash as a symbol of the “strength and power of the American people.” 

Oh well… that was then.

WWN FINANCIAL NEWS -  A Goldman Sachs Group partner was hospitalized in a bizarre trading accident.

Leonard Argess, 42, a Partner in Goldman Sachs Group’s proprietary trading unit, was hospitalized for treatment of multiple lacerations and severe bruising and contusions around his lower abdomen, legs and groin.  The injuries were sustained following the resumption of trading activity with his group’s domestic equities business.

Mr. Argess was standing just a few feet from an output manifold for the firm’s “black-box” trading system, when he was felled by fusillade of coin and paper currency.

“It was like a gunshot.  I’ve never seen or heard anything like it before – and then Lenny was screaming and flying across the room amidst a torrent of cash,” said De mitri Provakov, a Managing Director in European Equity trading.

“I know we have been killin’ it on the equity desk, but everyone – and particularly Lenny – was surprised to see the profits in their analog form.  That’s a lot of Rubles!”

“Most people were trying to play it real cool – like they see this sh*t all the time – but I saw two guys shoving some of the cash into their pants,” commented Freddy Wilkens, who was shining a trader’s loafers at the time.

Sources not authorized to speak to the press on the matter, but did so anyway and at great length, stated that the accident was the inadvertent result of the firm’s new transparency initiative.  The initiative had been launched to help stem a wave of public distrust and regulatory scrutiny.

On Tuesday, Goldman’s CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, made public a 63 page report, the product of the Company’s internal review.  One of the recommendations was to remove the protective “cash manifolds” that have been in place on all Goldman trading systems.

In a press statement, Blankfein elaborated, “In an effort to make our business more transparent, we have removed all security manifolds from trading systems so that trading profits – which run through our system duct work like water in a high pressure hose – could be seen through plexiglass windows and therefore highly transparent to all visiting customers.   I mean you can talk about a billion dollars – but until you see it flying by – it doesn’t have the same meaning.”

But after years of enormous and growing cash flows coursing through the system, a structural weakness had developed which was breached by a torrent of nearly $7 million in US currency that was then spewed over nearly 100 feet of trading floor.

Another Goldman veteran, who was spotted shoving money in his pants and preferred to remain anonymous given the enormous and embarrassing bulges in his Brioni suit pants, commented, “For a split second it looked like my year-end bonus.  But realizing it was too early for that – I then knew something was terribly wrong, and we now had a big friggin’ mess on our hands.”

Mr Argess was in point blank range of the manifold failure.  While small pieces of its structure had splintered and embedded in his thigh – the most severe damage was from a barrage of US Sacagawea $1.00 coins, over 40 of which were partially imbedded in his skin.

Blankfein, added, “Though this episode has demonstrated the risks posed by greater transparency, by showing the world the fire hose of cash generation that we know as ‘Goldman,’ we hope to abate any  customer concerns.  Once this is better understood – and a stronger pipe is put in place – customers may rest assured that we make so much darned money here that we don’t need to screw them out of anything.”

Workers at Goldman had just completed clean up of the financial mess, and Goldman’s elite team of cash wheelbarrow operators were returning the errant profits to the trading system.

But in all of this there seemed a lesson, best articulated by the cash stuffing, bulging pants wearing and confidentiality scofflaw, “In a strange way, it adjusted my views on the quest for money, because I see what a mess a lot of money can become.  The physical cash is just not important in life – particularly with e-banking and wire transfers.”

NEW YORK –  Wall Street bonuses for 2010 will larger than any other year in its history.

Unemployment is at 9.8%.  Foreclosures keep rising.  Americans are suffering, but… Wall Street is having a big party!!!

Two years after the global financial crisis that threatened to destroy the banking industry, Wall Street bonuses have hit a record high.  According to The Wall Street Journal, employees at America’s biggest banks are set to reward themselves with $144 billion in compensation and benefits this year — a 4 percent increase over last year’s record haul. The hefty bonuses come as many industries continue to struggle in the face of difficult economic conditions and the jobless rate holds steady at 9.6 percent.

The average Wall Street trader will receive a $1 million dollar bonus when 2010 winds down.  ”That’s the low-end, for the new kids just out of Harvard and Yale, the senior partners will be making many times that in bonuses,” said Tyler Hartmann of Goldman Sachs.

Main Street folks will be outraged when they learn that the ”banks who survived the financial crisis due to taxpayer largess” are thriving, while the taxpayers themselves continue to struggle with the impact of the recession. The president “wimped out” when it came to reining these banks in. Now, shareholders must do the decent thing and “push for real reform.”

The average trader at a major bank that received bail-out money will receive a $500,000 bonus for 2010.

Large banks need “top talent to stay with them,” said Tom Caglione of MoneyTalk, and that means big bonuses. Besides, it’s not as if Wall Street isn’t working hard. Thanks to the financial sector, the Dow Jones industrial average has recovered and is flying high. “Hate the idea of fat cats on Wall Street all you want, but take a look at your portfolio before you pass judgement.”

Hartmann said that the public shouldn’t get mad at Goldman Sachs, “Look, the fact is that Wall Street people are smarter and better than the average American, so we deserve bigger bonuses.  You think we should give bonuses to janitors at elementary schools?  I mean, come on?”

Profit-wise  2010 has been a dud” for Wall Street, but the banks still need to pay out large bonuses.  ”We have to keep good people and good people need a lot of money so that they can keep us making money off the bad people.  There’s only so many good people in the world,” said Tom Westergaard of  Chase Bank.

NEW YORK, NY – One of the universe’s most heinous villains opened Wall Street today!

Representatives from Lucasfilm Ltd., director George Lucas’ production company, were invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.

Instead, they sent a number of Star Wars most famous characters, including Darth Vader, R2D2, and a slew of storm troopers!

Vader was given the honor of ringing in the opening of Wall Street trading for the day.

NEW YORK, NY – Wall Street executive Robert Rubin has successfully sued himself for $8 million.

The suit cited Rubin’s managerial incompetence while serving as CEO of Citigroup, a leading banking organization now sharing much of the blame for the financial crisis.

“Mr. Rubin wildly underpriced risk and speculated recklessly,” Mr. Rubin said in a statement.  “Much of our current turmoil stems from this kind of behavior, and it’s time I started sending a message to fat cats like me.”

The language of the settlement legitimizes Mr. Rubin’s grievances with Mr. Rubin, and the seven-figure payoff is a clear signal that those responsible for the crisis will be forced to pay themselves for their misdeeds.

When asked if he felt justice had been served, Mr. Rubin cautioned that more widespread litigation might be called for in a general sense, but affirmed that the settlement was satisfactory to him for the time being.

“This goes a long way towards reestablishing the equilibrium,” he said.  “Mr. Rubin made serious mistakes, and it’s time that Mr. Rubin answered for them, ideally to Mr. Rubin.”

Mr. Rubin added, “That’s what makes this country great.”

UPDATE: John Thain’s push for $10 million bonus is possibly orchestrated by aliens!

As previously reported by Weekly World News, John Thain is widely believed to be an alien at the center of an intergalactic conspiracy to bleed Earth’s financial institutions dry. This accusation has only been further substantiated after Thain’s demands for a $10 million bonus for 2008.

Apparently, Thain believes he deserves the money after diverting Merrill Lynch from an even bigger financial meltdown. Do these extraterrestrials have no shame?

September 15, 2008
NEW YORK, NY – During his career, Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain earned the nickname “I Robot” for the mechanical and emotionless manner in which he carried out his instructions.

Many co-workers suspected that Thain merely resembled a human in appearance only and that behind the button-down shirt, hard-wired circuitry allowed him to perform his duties without giving rise to feelings.

Nearly everyone agreed that John Thain is not a people person.

Shocking evidence released today reveals that John Thain is not even a person.

The photo received by Weekly World News was taken in the early morning hours of September 12th, the same day that the heads of the Federal Reserve and the US Treasury moved to calm fears about the financial health of the country.

While Fed Chief, Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Paulson called for new regulatory powers to shield the economy from the collapse of Wall Street firms, John Thain was deep in discussion with the UFO alien about the future of his firm Merrill Lynch.

Recent events now suggest that Thain is not a robot but in fact an alien at the center of an intergalactic conspiracy to rob Earth of vital minerals and financial institutions.

Stay tuned for additional news.

NEW YORK, NY – New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg is gearing up for a run at a third term in office.  He’s making the usual rounds of fundraisers and kissing babies to drum up support.  But in the wake of the failing financial institutions, Bloomberg needed a big hook to get New Yorkers on his side. So, today, in a private ceremony, Bloomberg officially issued the civic edict changing the name of Manhattan’s most famous street.

“The presidential candidates were right: Main Street IS more important than Wall Street. So I woke up this morning and decided to officially change the name Wall Street to Main Street,” said Bloomberg.  No New Yorkers seem to have noticed the change.