Wal-Mart inked a deal to pay the U.S. government $50 million a year to rename our galaxy.

The new name was announced yesterday at the White House with several prominent NASA and Wal-Mart executives in attendance.

The pact, first reported in June by the Los Angeles times is to be worth $50 million a year for the federal government.  A White House spokesman said that the President is trying to come up with creative ways of raising revenue – other than taxing the rich or cutting expenditures.  “The President is thinking out of the box, out of our solar system,” said the spokesman.

According to sources, The Milky Way will be the first celestial sponsorship offered by the government. , represents a substantial commitment for MetLife, the nation’s largest life insurer, which previously had paid for a “cornerstone” sponsorship promoting its brand in a corner of the stadium.

Elizabeth Hamels, chief marketing officer for Wal-Mart told WWN that Wal-Mart is “extremely pleased with the deal.  We believe Wal-Mart is an appropriate, and accurate, name for our galaxy.”

The White House believes that since NASA’s twin Voyager probes are peering outside our solar system, the name “Milky Way” will be in the press on a daily basis, it is a great deal for Wal-Mart.  ”Every time there is a news report or  article on our galaxy it will  be referred to as The Wal-Mart galaxy.   We think it’s a win-win situation.  Good for Wal-Mart, good for our economy and good for the universe because it’s a catchy name,” said a senior White House advisor.

“Honestly, the milk industry has been getting free publicity for years – not to mention that candy  bar – and we think it’s time that the government got its fair share.”

Insiders at The White House say that they will move quickly to get sponsorships for the planets in our solar system and our sun.  There are rumors that McDonald’s has made a “significant offer” to rename Earth – McDonald’s – and Apple has already moved to rename the Sun – Apple.  ”It makes sense that the biggest, and only star, in our solar system should be named Apple.   This was something that Steve Jobs was working on at the time of his death,” said  an Apple executive in Cupertino, California.

Here’s some possible sponsorships:

The Wal-Mart Way is the galaxy that contains our solar system.  The old name, “Milky Way” derived from its appearance as a dim un-resolved “milky” glowing band arching across the night sky.  The term “Milky Way” is a translation of the latin for “milky road.”

Democrats on Capitol Hill were quick to praise President Obama for his decision to sell sponsorships of astronomical bodies.  ”A few years ago, I paid a company to name a star after my wife, Landra, and this is basically the same thing on a bigger scale,”  Senator Harry Reid reportedly told WWN.

Nancy Pelosi is introducing a bill to block Apple from renaming the Sun.  Instead she would like our Sun to be renamed “Obama”.   “It is only right, that the source of life, the brightest light in the universe be named Obama,” Pelosi reportedly told the Washington Post.

BALTIMORE – A bleach fight broke out in a Maryland Wal-Mart.

Authorities say Theresa Monique Jefferson, 33, and another woman threw bleach and another chemical on each other during the fight, prompting authorities to evacuate the store for two hours and call in a hazardous materials team.

Fire officials say 19 people had to be taken to hospitals, although only one was thought to have serious injuries.

The alleged fight took place in the Lansdowne Station Shopping Center in Baltimore.

According to the Baltimore Sun, the argument between Jefferson and the other woman went back before the store fight.

The paper reported Jefferson has a child with the victim’s boyfriend.

Speaking to the New York Daily News, a spokesman for Walmart said: ‘This is obviously not the type of behavior that we would expect from people at our stores.

ARKANSAS – Wal-Mart signed a deal with Casey Anthony to sell the “Casey Anthony Pink Tux shirt” exclusively at their stores.

Casey Anthony was wearing a unique pink tux shirt yesterday when the jury read their verdict.  It was a pink tuxedo shirt, that caught the eye of Wal-Mart honchos.

“We think a lot of young mothers and girls now look up to Casey Anthony.  After all, she is an innocent woman who loved her child,” said Wal-Mart exec VP, Johnny Tribbles.  “We are going to launch a Casey Anthony Tuxedo Shirt Line.”

Tribbles said that orders are already pouring in for the Casey Anthony Shirt.  “We’ve got about 5,00 orders from Orange County in Florida alone.”

Sources inside Wal-Mart said that the company feels that justice has been served and that Casey Anthony has the right to resume her normal life.  “And we think she can have a profitable clothing line.  She was very well dressed throughout the trial,” said Wal-Mart fashion buyer,  Rebecca Stigmoid.  “She’s on the cutting edge of fashion and this might be the first item in the Casey Anthony line.”

Wal-Mart said that the Pink Tuxedo Shirt will probably be the biggest fashion trend of the summer.  “It’ll probably be the best-selling blouse we’ve ever had.”

Rumors that Wal-Mart sold “O.J. Gloves” in the mid-90s are false.  “O.J. was a cold-blooded killer who got away with it. We would never sell an O.J. product,” said Stigmoid.  “Casey is different.  She was a good mother.  All her friends said so.”

Better head to Wal-Mart and get yourself a Casey shirt!

BENTONVILLE, Ark., — A Wal-Mart executive insists the company paid off several Supreme Court Justices.

The whistle-blowing comes mere hours after the nation’s highest court threw out a massive discrimination suit against Wal-Mart Stores. The suit was the largest employment discrimination in U.S. history with claims from 1.5 million women that they had been discriminated against in both pay and promotions.

In a series of secret hotel room interviews, the fifty-four year-old turncoat, wearing a wig and moustache, detailed the specifics of cash-drops and hand-offs in several posh Washington apartment buildings.

Using a microphone and voice-distortion software, he explained. “I don’t want to call it protection money because Wal-Mart is not in the business of killing people or hurting people, unless, of course, you count all the processed food we sell. Five Justices received cautionary letters, and followed by a delivery of cash. It was clear. It was understood. As long as the Justices throw out the suit, they don’t have to worry.”

When pressed to list the names of Justices who received money from Wal-Mart, the informer would only reveal the project acronym: SKRAT.

“The Wal-Mart people are no joke. During one late-night session about the case, someone even put up one of our old signs and crossed out ‘Prices.’ It said ‘Beware of Falling Justices.’ I was scared for my life,” he continued.

Much to his chagrin, the tipster is still employed by Wal-Mart. He promises to divulge the full story and publish his notes and journal as soon as his kids are out of college. “I’ve got two kids in college, my hands are tied. I have to keep working for these Wal-Mart pigs. Not to mention, I can’t afford to shop anywhere else. I just wanted to do the right thing. I had to tell someone.”

Supporters of women’s rights have been protesting Wal-Mart stores for months. Jessica Spearhead, an organizer for AllianceforJustice.org, spoke for the growing crowd outside of the Supreme Court, “We knew Wal-Mart was this sleazy, but we didn’t realize the Supreme Court was just as shady.”

Agents for film director Kathryn Bigelow have been reaching out to the informant to secure movie rights for his story.

BENTONVILLE, AR – Wal-Mart has begun selling a crunchy snack mix that contains real insects!

Wal-Mart launched “Bug Crunch” a new line of salty, baked insects as part of their effort to branch out to new markets, as well as the larger global economy.

Wal-Mart admits they are taking a risk. But they are starting slow by launching just three flavors:

– Ranch Locust

– Barbeque Beetle

– Classic Cricket (pictured below)

Suzanne McNally, the head of Wal-Mart’s global nutrition initiative defended the decision to sell Bug Crunch at a press conference on Tuesday. “Insects are a great source of protein. We wanted to make them accessible to people who are looking for a healthy alternative to pork chops and ribeyes. Insects are a delicacy in many parts of the world. Now they are available for Joe the Plumber and people like him.”

Food critics all over the world received samples of each variety earlier this week. While none were willing to go on record before their official reviews were published, most agreed that Bug Crunch was an exciting addition to the world snack sector.

A dining critic at the New York Times requested to remain anonymous, but gave a brief review. “Plain and simple, they’re good. They have good crunch, a bit of salt, and a touch of earthy sweet. I will definitely serve the Classic Cricket at my next cocktail party as a bar snack paired with a fresh peach salsa or a spicy mango chutney.”

Expect to see all three flavors at your local Wal-Mart by the start of next week.

Ice cream parlors and grocery stores across the U.S. will begin selling ice cream made from breast milk.  It’s organic!

Wal-Mart, Costco, Kroger,  Wal-Mart are all following the lead of Whole Foods, which is the first chain store to offer ice cream made from the breast milk of nursing mothers.

The breast milk concoction, called the “Baby Gaga,” will be available in grocery stores across America beginning on March 1st.

“Baby Gaga” was invented by  Matt O’Connor (from London).  He is confident that his take on the “miracle of motherhood” – which is priced at  ($23 per pint) will be a hit with the American public.

The breast milk was provided by mothers who answered an advertisement on online mothers’ forum Mumsnet.

Molly Chambers, 33, from Chicago was one of 397 women who donated milk to the ice cream production company – Mammary Milk Inc.

Chambers works with women who have problems breast-feeding their babies. She said she believes that if adults realized how tasty breast milk actually is, then new mothers would be more willing to breast-feed their own newborns.

“What could be more natural than fresh, mother’s milk in an ice cream? And for me it’s a recession beater too — what’s the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash,” Chambers said in a statement.

“I tried the product for the first time today — it’s very nice, it really melts in the mouth,” said Tom Dooley, a fireman from St. Louis.

The Baby Gaga recipe blends breast milk with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest, which is then churned into ice cream.

O’Connor said the Baby Gaga was just one of a dozen radical new flavors at the shop.

“Some people will hear about it and go, ‘yuck’ but actually it’s pure, organic, free-range and totally natural,” he said. “I had a Baby Gaga just this morning and I feel great.”

So, go out and get a taste of breast milk.   It’s yummy!…

NEW YORK –  Clothing industry analysts predict clothing prices will rise 50% in the coming months.

Shoppers across the country are gripped with fear.  Analysts predict that clothing prices will rise at least 50% in the coming months.

As the world economy recovers and demand for goods rises, a surge in labor and raw materials costs is squeezing retailers and manufacturers who have run out of ways to pare costs.

Shoppers are starting to panic.  There’s already been a run on many stores in the south, including this Wal-Mart in Atlanta:

Cotton has more than tripled in price over the past year, hitting all-time highs. The price of other synthetic fabrics has jumped roughly 90 percent as demand for alternatives and blends has risen.

Brooks Brothers’ wrinkle-free men’s dress shirts now cost $138, up from $79.50.  Levi Strauss & Co., Wrangler jeans maker VF Corp., J.C. Penney Co., Nike and designer shoe seller Steve Madden also plan increases.

More specifics on the price increases are expected when clothing retailers such as J.C. Penney Co. and Abercrombie & Fitch Co. report financial results this month.

Higher costs also will affect how clothes are made. Clothing makers are blending more synthetic fabrics like rayon and designing jeans with fewer beads and other embellishments. Shoppers also will have fewer color choices.

Some clothing makers will be recycling clothes from second-hand stores.

Retailers  fear that higher prices will nip the budding demand. Stores that cater to low- and middle-income shoppers will have the hardest time passing along price increases.

Shoppers are already rebelling:

“‘I’m not going to spend any more than $50 for a pair of jeans,” said Vinny Vizmans, a stay-at-home Dad shopping at The Garden State Plaza in Paramus, N.J., last week. “I’ll wear the ones I got for years if I have to.”

Cotton prices began soaring in August of 2010 after bad weather cut harvests in major producing countries including China, the U.S., Pakistan and Australia.Restrictions on exports from India, the world’s second-largest cotton exporter behind China, have also produced cotton shortages. On top of that, worldwide demand for cotton has risen as the global economy improves.

Raw materials account for 25 percent to 50 percent of the cost of producing a garment. Labor ranges from 20 percent to 40 percent, depending on how complicated it is to make, Bassuk said.

On the production side, many Chinese factories that shut down temporarily in the depths of the recession still haven’t returned to capacity. As they ramp up, they’re finding they have to pay workers more because of labor shortages.

Some shoppers, better get out there now and get your clothes before the prices soar!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Target Announces that they will change their logo

In an every changing economy and volatile market, businesses are doing everything that they can to appear fresh.

As was recently seen when Starbucks announced that they would be changing their iconic mermaid logo. To follow suite, the Target Corporation has announced that they to will also change their famous bull’s eye logo to keep up with the times.

“Since we have so many Starbucks in our Target Stores, we only thought it best that we follow suit and change our logo as well.” said Target executive Barry Finkelstein.

However, the new logo will only receive the subtlest of changes. They, as Starbucks did, will be removing their name from the logo and plan to place red cross-hairs over the single ring and dot.

Target executives explained that the cross hairs are intended to symbolize the cardinal directions. The logo change coincides with Target’s new directive, which is to spread in all directions throughout the globe in order to get the upper hand in world capitalist domination.

“We plan to take on Wal-Mart with full force,” explained Finkelstein, “We even have plans to open up a section that will sell rifles, hand guns, sharp knives, Chinese throwing stars and other weapons. We want Target to be a destination for survivalists as well as mothers”

Many members of the NRA are elated by the news that Target will now be carrying guns.

“We always wondered why they never carried them to begin with given the name,” said Ron Schmeits current NRA president, “we all love the new logo too!”

Many mothers’ organizations are appalled at the new logo and the announcement that Target would now have its own weapons department.

“Do we really need another place where kids and sociopaths can buy guns with ease?” asked Margaret Simons, chairwoman of Mothers Against Rifles, Tomahawks, Yo-Yos and more Rifles (MARTYR). “If they don’t pull the artillery from the shelves we are going to take our business elsewhere.”

Readers may wonder why Yo-Yos are included in their list of opposed weapons. I was myself at the time of the interview. As it turns out, the Yo-Yo was used as a weapon in the Philippines around 1500. Evidently many children have been injured with the classic toy causing the organization to add it to their list.

Target stores have also announced that they will be selling a metal spiked Yo-Yo in their new weapons department.

TACOMA, WA -  Another foot has washed ashore.   The Severed Foot Mystery deepens.A small foot — wearing a hiking boot sold in Walmart stores from 2004 to 2005 — has washed ashore on America’s West Coast.

Police have appealed for public help after the foot, still inside a boy’s size 6 “OzArk Trail” hiking boot, was discovered Dec. 5.near Tacoma, Wash.

Here’s where it was found:

Police spokesman Mark Fulghum said the foot, found in Tacoma, about 24 miles south of Seattle, was the second human foot to wash ashore in Washington state in four months.

It was not known if the two cases were linked, or if they have any connection to cases in Canada’s British Columbia, where seven feet have washed ashore in the past four years, Fulghum said.

Authorities in the U.S have been left baffled after a small human foot washed ashore in Washington state, the second to have appeared in the area in four months

Police believe the right foot is that of a juvenile or small adult and floated in from either the Puyallup River or Puget Sound.

Our best guess someone in their mid-to-late teens,’ Tacoma Police spokesman Mark Fulghum said, adding that the shoe was sold in Wal-Mart Stores between 2004 and 2005.

In late August, a right foot believed to be that of a woman or child washed up on a beach in Whidbey Island, about 70 miles north of Tacoma.

Fulghum said police were as yet unsure if the cases are linked, or if they have any connection to cases in British Columbia, where seven feet – all inside running shoes – have washed ashore since 2006. Two were later discovered to be a match.

ARKANSAS -  Citizens of the Razorback State voted “yes” on a state proposition that will permit the construction of Wal-Mart City.

The Arkansas proposition that just passed on Tuesday authorizes the establishment of “Wal-Mart City,” a real-life township governed entirely by the Wal-Mart Corporation. It passed with 99 percent of the vote and 100% of smart shoppers.

According to Arkansas Senator John Boozman, the new city will replace Rogers, Arkansas, the site of the first ever Wal-Mart, and will possess its own government, police force, and standing army. Here’s a sneak peek of the new Army uniforms:

The idea for “Wal-Mart City” came from none other than Sam-Walton, the multi billionaire and founder of the Wal-Mart franchise. According to Walton and his team of developers, the city is designed to be entirely self-sufficient, complete with its own school system, post office, library, and hospital – all of which will all be staffed by Wal-Mart employees.

“Wal-Mart City will be just like any other city,” said Norman Toledo, principle foreman of the Wal-Mart Development Company.  “The only difference is – everything in our city will be supplied by Wal-Mart, which means that it will probably fall apart after 15 minutes of buying it.”

Opponents of “Wal-Mart City” cite the project’s enormous start-up cost as a potential drawback to the plan. Early estimates project the construction of the new city costing upwards of 10 billion dollars.

Sam Walton guarantees that all citizens in Wal-Mart city will be happy… “and if they are not happy, we will make them happy!  There a big smile hanging over this city!”

Plans for the city include the erection several places of worship, including a Wal-Church, a Wal-Synagogue, and a Wal-Mosque. Officials are even planning to open a Wal-Mart University, where students will learn how to become door greeters, janitors, and incompetent electronics salespeople.

The city will be centered around what developers are calling a “Super Ultra Mega Wal-Mart,” a multi-purpose super-store where residents can buy everything from groceries to used cars. According to developers, the building is projected to span 175 square miles, and will even contain its own bus and subway systems.

“Woo-hoo! I love me some Wal-Mart!” said Bobbie-Joe Denver, a supporter of the local proposition and soon to be resident of Wal-Mart City. “Now I can buy my wife’s tampons, get my diploma, and have my dog groomed all in one place! It’s like a dream come true!”

In other voting news, residents of California unanimously voted against a referendum that would have renamed the state “Googleopolis.”