I’m madder than a terrorist with a plugged up toilet about Guantanamo Bay!

For years, we heard how Bush was the next Hitler for keeping bad guys in a Cuban prison. The Teleprompter Kid said these guys were being mistreated. Heck, I thought beating up bad guys was the whole point!

Lemme at ‘em!

Well, the Communist-in-Chief’s gone and changed his mind. Now he says those terrorists were being treated just fine in Gitmo after all. Like that’s a good thing! Darn you, President Bush, here I thought you and Cheney were slapping these scumbags around all this time. What a let down.

In fact, I found out through the computer machine that the guys in Gitmo get interrogated in Laz-E-Boy chairs and eat so much fancy food that most of them are fatter than when they went it. (Maybe that’s to make them easier to spot and shoot after we let them go…)

I know one thing: this Gitmo sounds like a pretty nice set up. Cuba’s sunny and warm – as long as you can put up with the stench of international communism and the Castro boys’ b.o.

You think maybe the Communist-in-Chief can find a few bucks in his zillion-dollar budget to fly this here old veteran down there for a week’s vacation?

Speaking of which: I also heard on the computer machine that if you spent a million dollars a day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn’t reach the amount of money they’re spending in Obama’s stimulation package.

Frankfurters and myrrh, that’s a load of gold!

WASHINGTON, DC – Handymen accidentally cracked open the man-sized safe of exiting Vice President Dick Cheney while transferring his effects.

Statements taken from several of the workers before they were processed and detained by homeland security officials indicate the safe was loaded with more than 100 video cassettes of “chick flicks” and romantic comedies, such as “Steel Magnolias,” “Sleepless In Seattle,” “The Notebook,” “Legally Blonde,” “While You Were Sleeping,” and “Stanley and Iris”.

Additionally, workers came across dozens of audio mix tapes featuring tracks by Air Supply, Josh Groban, and Norah Jones. “I expected to find lots of papers and secret documents about torture, Iraq, Halliburton… stuff like that,” said Ignacio Cordoba of D.C. based moving company Smooth Movers. “Instead, it was just a bunch of Sandra Bullock and Dermot Mulrooney crap fests and mix tapes.”

Witnesses noted the 90-minute chrome cassettes had names such as ‘Dick’s Slow Jamz’ which featured “Here And Now,” by Luther Vandross and ‘Dick’s Heart Attack Of Love,’” which closed with Eric Carmen’s “Hungry Eyes” from the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack.

Other handlers of the safe noted a manilla envelope that read “Reagan DNA” and a shoe box labeled “Back-Up Heart.” When Cheney noticed what the witnesses had seen, he quickly attempted a diversion by purposely pulling a muscle in his back. He will now be forced to attend President Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony in a wheelchair.

When contacted, a spokesperson for Cheney said that the workers were mistaken and probably meant Dylan McDermot, but then quickly cut himself short and said “no comment.” Cheney’s office then requested the email addresses and social security numbers of the surrounding press pool in order to “contact them later with any updates”.

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.