Reporters thought that President Obama was merely calling Mitt Romney a vampire in a figurative way – making the claim that  Mitt Romney is a heartless, job-destroying financier.   A n attack on Mr. Romney’s record as head of Bain Capita Brain Capital.

But today, the White House released DNA evidence that “proves being a shadow of a doubt” that Mitt Romney is a, in fact, a real life bloodsucker.

And there are rumors that his wife is a vampire as well:

Will this line of assault work for Mr. Obama, where it didn’t for Mr. Gingrich?

“We think that it will actually help our candidate,” said a source close to Mitt Romney.  ”President Obama announced that he was gay and it seems to have helped him in the polls.  There are a lot of pro-vampire voters in the country and we think Mitt will get a bump in the polls from the revelation.”

Here’s a new supporter of Mitt Romney:

So when did Mitt Romney become a vampire?

Sources say that Mitt was a normal, superrich man until after the 2008 primary elections.  ”He took his loss to John McCain very hard and he sort of went into a cave,” said a source close to the Romney campaign.  ”The next time we saw him he just was biting everybody, looking for blood.  We were scared at first, but now everybody is used to it.  It actually makes him cool.”

Romney already has the Zombie vote, so now he can count on the vampire vote as well.

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NOVOSIBIRSK – A vampire has been killing thousands of goats in Russia.

MONTERREY -  A vampire woman is on the loose in Mexico.

Maria Jose Cristerna’s striking appearance may generate gasps, but the 35-year-old tattoo artist reportedly says a horrific history of domestic violence triggered her decision to re-invent herself as a “vampire.”

Cristerna recently showed off a new set of titanium “horn” implants — along with dental “fangs” and multiple facial piercings — at a Monterrey tattoo exhibition, but insists she lives a normal life. “The horns I have are a symbol of strength and were implanted without anaesthetic,” the Catholic-raised mother-of-four tells the Sun proudly.

“I had the fangs done because I loved vampires as a little girl and I changed the colour of my eyes so they were how I really wanted them to be.’

Cristerna’s transformation is still not complete: she says she wants to have more titanium horns implanted in the back of her head. “Tattooing is my way of being immortal, of really being a vampire and not dying — leaving my work on other people’s skin.”

Watch video of Mexico’s “Vampire Woman” (in Spanish) here:

LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!

Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish,  who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.

The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish:  that is half-human, half-fish.   He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night.  The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.  The photographs in this article are from the 1950s.

“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”

“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now.  We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof.  We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”

The Dracula Fish is six feet tall, weighs 180 pounds.  His head is large – about 15 inches high and about 24 inches around. The fish head looks harmless and sweet when its mouth is closed, but it has fangs on both the top and bottom of its jaw.  The teeth are very sharp.

The Dracula Fish comes into London at night and then takes a train back to the sea for the morning.  He sleeps in a coffin at the bottom of the sea.  Here’s a close-up picture of the Dracula Fish in its coffin in 1955.

And here is a picture that was taken by the Navy scuba-divers last week:

Women are advised to stay far away from the Dracula Fish.  “The danger is that the Dracula Fish is quite charming.  Even though he has a fish head, women seemed to be drawn to him,” said Frax.

“He was a real gentleman.  The nicest man I’ve met in years,”  said Fiona Koch, who was bitten several times by the Dracula Fish on October 5th.  “I thought he was going to kiss me, actually I was hoping he was going to kiss me and then… he bit me.  It was terrifying, but I did love it in a way.”

“That’s the danger,” said Frax.  “Women fall for his charm and then are bitten.  It’s very dangerous.”

Women who are bitten do NOT turn into a vampire or a fish.  They just suffer from headaches and depression for several months.  “He puts a spell on them.  Often after they are bitten, they go back to Hyde Park looking for him.”‘

Women, please, if you see the Dracula Fish, do not approach… there are other fish in the sea.

LIMA – Rabid vampire bats are swarming over Lima!

Vampire Bats, by the thousands, have been flying out of the Amazon and swarming all over Peru!

Many Peruvians are hiding indoors at night, afraid that they will be attacked.

Francisco Borlano, a doctor, said there has been a rabies outbreak because of the vampire bats and it has been going on for months.  “We’re on the verge of a major rabies outbreak,” said Borlano.

“These bats feed at night, and since they do not find large animals they bite unprotected people,” Borlano was quoted as saying by the paper.  “And they particularly like young women wearing tight skirts.”

“We are worried about the teenage girls more than anyone else,” said Alejandro Neva, a representative for the Peruvian government.  “They are obsessed with vampires and they think that they are not dangerous.  Some even think they will turn into beautiful young men.”

Authorities are worried that many across Peru will become ill and some may die.  “I cannot discount the death toll mounting, because unfortunately we cannot get them the vaccines quickly enough because the communities are so remote,” Borlano added.

The communities of Wampis and Awajun in Condorcanqui province, near Ecuador, have been affected the most.

Borlano said there were reports that 33,500 people had been bitten by vampire bats in the last three weeks.  Twenty people have died.

It takes 15 hours traveling along rivers by boat for medical teams to reach the remote villages, the newspaper said.

Bat Boy was unavailable for comment as he was promoting his new book… Going Mutant, which if you are not being bitten by a bat can be purchased at … www.buybatboy.com

Bella may prefer Edward to Jacob, but when it comes to Kristen Stewart, she’s Team Alien all the way.

In a recent interview with Weekly World News reporter, Tap Vann, Kristen revealed that she has always had an unusual connection to aliens – and now has several of them living her Beverly Hills home.  Vann suggested to Kristen that it might not be safe (or legal) for Kristen to keep aliens, but she said that she felt more comfortable with beings from other planets, than with people here on earth (particularly tabloid writers).  Kristen ran into the aliens at Club Space in South Beach, where they were literally dancing up a storm. All the aliens seem to be male – though it’s hard to tell because they don’t have bodies.

Many Twilight fans are scared that Kristen will be harmed by the aliens, but Kristen isn’t concerned at all. “Compared to werewolves and vampires, aliens are a lot nicer, a lot less violent and a lot funnier.  “They really know how to make a girl laugh!”  Just last week the aliens pulled a prank on Robert Pattinson – they abducted him, took him to the moon and “bothered” him until he stopped saying the word “bothered.”  Kristen was rolling on the floor laughing when they brought him back to earth.

Although the majority of Twilight fans are on Team Edward, and the rest on Team Jacob, Kristen feels strongly that Bella shouldn’t be with either one. “Bella should be on Team Alien, like me.”  Kristen went on to say that “Bella can attract the best-looking vampire and the best-looking werewolf in her high school and I know she could capture the attention of at least a few decent-looking humans as well, but what really would turn her on is hooking up with a couple of aliens, particularly red aliens without bodies.”

Kristen feels that it is ridiculous for girls to have only two choices: vampires or werewolves. Aliens are gentle, caring and they all have such big, beautiful eyes.  “And I like the fact that I don’t have to deal with a guy who sucks blood or who occasionally gets covered in gnarly hair and howls at the moon.  That’s boring to me.”

Kristen’s four aliens – Ethu, Orsi, Lhuc and Xip – are with her at all times and are looking forward to being on the set of her new movie, “On The Road,”  based on the Jack Kerouac novel.   Ethu said  he was a beatnik at heart and remembers playing bongos with Ken Kesey at Area 51 back in 1959.

There are persistent rumors that Kristen is in a romantic relationship with Robert Pattinson.  His publicist won’t confirm or deny the relationship, but she did say that ever since R-Patz  learned about the four aliens living in Kristen’s house, he has become insanely jealous and… bothered.

Weekly World News has confirmed that Ethu, Orsi, Lhuc and Xip will each have cameos in the final installment of the Twilight saga.

VENICE – An archaeologist excavating mass graves of plague victims in Venice has discovered the skull of an alleged vampire!

Matteo Borini of the University of Florence removed the skeleton from a mass grave dating back to 1576. The skull has a brick shoved into the mouth, which grave diggers often did of suspected vampires. At the time, many citizens believed the plague was being spread by vampires.

The myth of vampirism was spread during the Middle Ages because of the lack of understanding of decay. A bloody substance was often expelled from the mouth after death, causing the shroud to sag in and tear.

During the plague, gravediggers often dumped new bodies into old graves, allowing them to see these “chewed on” shrouds. This led to the belief that shroud-chewing was the mystical way vampires were spreading the disease. The brick was to keep them at bay.

This is the grave where Borini discovered the skull:

While these circumstances can explain vampirism away in Italy, surely this can not discount vampire legends as far away as Africa, the Americas and even Asia?

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sophia Loren was summoned to present at the 81st Academy Awards last night, but many of the younger actresses were warned to stay away.

Born in 1934, Loren is an award-winning actress and widely beloved sex symbol. Although recently absent from film, Loren was called to the Oscars to present Best Actress, along with Halle Berry, Shirley Maclaine, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman. Loren magically kept her perfect looks well past her prime, but as evident from last night, her regimen is starting to slip.

Many of the actresses attending the ceremonies were excited to meet the legendary beauty, but Academy staff advised them to steer clear of her. “It was very strange,” explained Cotillard. “As soon as we stepped backstage, a security guard was by her side, watching her every move. It almost seemed like he was guarding us from her, not the other way around.”

It has long been rumored that Loren charms promising young actresses and takes them under her wing for mentoring. But none of these girls are ever heard from again, while Loren continues to thrive.

Later in the evening, Loren was caught examining Anne Hathaway’s necklace too closely, and was quickly ushered away.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Horror movie actress Kate Beckinsale applied zombie make-up to her face six weeks ago and hasn’t been able to remove it!

Beckinsale was forced to come forward after her absence from doing press for her new film ‘Underworld: Rise of the Lycans’ caused concern. Her publicist released this recent photo:

“Something has gone terribly wrong,” said the frightened actress. “I’m afraid I’ll have this hideous face forever!”

Baffled doctors say she might be right. “We’ve tried everything medically possible to help her, but nothing works,” said Dr. Nino Sanfilippo, a specialist in dermatology.

Beckinsale found herself in the bizarre predicament after a day of shooting scenes for ‘Underworld 4: There Are Zombies Too’, in which the werewolves and vampires of the previous films join forces to defeat an army of the undead. She plays both her original vampire role and a surprise new part of her undead twin sister.

“I tried to remove the dark circles from around my eyes but I couldn’t,” she cried. “The huge open sores on my cheeks wouldn’t rub off. I am too hideous looking to be seen in public!”

Beckinsale was never a fan of the horror movies she has been tied to since the success of the original ‘Underworld’ film, and fears she will now be stuck in them forever. “I’m a serious actress. These monster movies are insulting. I want to win an Oscar, and I deserve it!”

[Image courtesy of FreakingNews.com]