Reporters thought that President Obama was merely calling Mitt Romney a vampire in a figurative way – making the claim that  Mitt Romney is a heartless, job-destroying financier.   A n attack on Mr. Romney’s record as head of Bain Capita Brain Capital.

But today, the White House released DNA evidence that “proves being a shadow of a doubt” that Mitt Romney is a, in fact, a real life bloodsucker.

And there are rumors that his wife is a vampire as well:

Will this line of assault work for Mr. Obama, where it didn’t for Mr. Gingrich?

“We think that it will actually help our candidate,” said a source close to Mitt Romney.  ”President Obama announced that he was gay and it seems to have helped him in the polls.  There are a lot of pro-vampire voters in the country and we think Mitt will get a bump in the polls from the revelation.”

Here’s a new supporter of Mitt Romney:

So when did Mitt Romney become a vampire?

Sources say that Mitt was a normal, superrich man until after the 2008 primary elections.  ”He took his loss to John McCain very hard and he sort of went into a cave,” said a source close to the Romney campaign.  ”The next time we saw him he just was biting everybody, looking for blood.  We were scared at first, but now everybody is used to it.  It actually makes him cool.”

Romney already has the Zombie vote, so now he can count on the vampire vote as well.

NOVOSIBIRSK – A vampire has been killing thousands of goats in Russia.

MONTERREY -  A vampire woman is on the loose in Mexico.

Maria Jose Cristerna’s striking appearance may generate gasps, but the 35-year-old tattoo artist reportedly says a horrific history of domestic violence triggered her decision to re-invent herself as a “vampire.”

Cristerna recently showed off a new set of titanium “horn” implants — along with dental “fangs” and multiple facial piercings — at a Monterrey tattoo exhibition, but insists she lives a normal life. “The horns I have are a symbol of strength and were implanted without anaesthetic,” the Catholic-raised mother-of-four tells the Sun proudly.

“I had the fangs done because I loved vampires as a little girl and I changed the colour of my eyes so they were how I really wanted them to be.’

Cristerna’s transformation is still not complete: she says she wants to have more titanium horns implanted in the back of her head. “Tattooing is my way of being immortal, of really being a vampire and not dying — leaving my work on other people’s skin.”

Watch video of Mexico’s “Vampire Woman” (in Spanish) here:

A new Pew Research Poll reveals that 19% of American teens are vampires.
In a national  survey of those ages 12-17, conducted on landline and cell phones, the Pew Research Center’s American Life Project found:

* 24% of teens ages 12-17 say they have trouble sleeping at night
* 29% have panic attacks when they are out in the sun
* 18% smell like lavender
* 19% have fangs
* 39% have bedrooms painted black.

The Pew Research Center’s conclusion:  19% of all American teens are vampires.

With the vampire craze at full boil due to the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, many think that this vampire fixation is just a fad or trend.   But it’s not.

More teens today are, in fact, vampires.  Professor Chris Rigaux, Professor of Vampiric Studies at Harvard was not surprised by the findings.  “Vampires have lived among human beings for centuries.  Many vampires become dormant in their adult years, but when they are teens – they are fully evolved.  I think this study falls in line with my research.  More and more vampires are revealing themselves to the public.”

Most parents don’t mind that their teens are vampires.  “Whatever. I was a teen once.  If she wants to suck blood from boys (or girls), that’s up to her.  We used to suck on bongs.  It’s a generational thing,” said Missy Bonderson,41, of Asheville, North Carolina.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not alone,” said Casey Shotz, 15, of Minneapolis.  I know from birth that I was a vampire.  I had my first fang before I had my first tooth.”   Todd Larkin, 16, of Portland, Maine said, “I have a never-ending hunger that can’t be filled, no matter how much mortal food I consume.  I stay up until the sun rises and I hate going outside. Am I vampire? I don’t know, but will you let me suck on your neck?”

Some teens claim to be “super-vamps”.   Isabella Thompson, 14, of Reseda, CA told WWN, “garlic and silver have no effect on me.  I hate going out in the sun, and I hate doing religious things.”   Jessica Cox, 16, of Plano, TX said, “I never feel weak, scared, or drained. I’m really strong. When I see blood, something inside me just comes to life. I love meat, especially rare steak. I have never broken a bone, nor been injured severely at all, apart from some stitches and a cracked fang. “

What should parents do if their teen is a vampire?  “Leave them alone. Don’t go in their room.  Don’t upset them,” said Professor Rigaux.  “The best way for adults to handle this situation is let their teen vampires be teen vampires.”  Asked whether he thought vampires were a threat to the safety of Americans, Rigaux said, “Well, I’m a vampire myself, so I’d say no, we are not a threat at all. But if there’s a blood shortage, look out.”

Considering 1 in 5 teens are vampires, of course the other 4 in 5 are jealous and want to be part of the “in” crowd.  But they won’t ever be real vampires.  You have to be born a vampire.  So they are left with just trying to “look” like vampires.

Here a popular video on how to look like a vampire (for those teens that aren’t):

Are YOU a vampire?

VENICE – An archaeologist excavating mass graves of plague victims in Venice has discovered the skull of an alleged vampire!

Matteo Borini of the University of Florence removed the skeleton from a mass grave dating back to 1576. The skull has a brick shoved into the mouth, which grave diggers often did of suspected vampires. At the time, many citizens believed the plague was being spread by vampires.

The myth of vampirism was spread during the Middle Ages because of the lack of understanding of decay. A bloody substance was often expelled from the mouth after death, causing the shroud to sag in and tear.

During the plague, gravediggers often dumped new bodies into old graves, allowing them to see these “chewed on” shrouds. This led to the belief that shroud-chewing was the mystical way vampires were spreading the disease. The brick was to keep them at bay.

This is the grave where Borini discovered the skull:

While these circumstances can explain vampirism away in Italy, surely this can not discount vampire legends as far away as Africa, the Americas and even Asia?

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sophia Loren was summoned to present at the 81st Academy Awards last night, but many of the younger actresses were warned to stay away.

Born in 1934, Loren is an award-winning actress and widely beloved sex symbol. Although recently absent from film, Loren was called to the Oscars to present Best Actress, along with Halle Berry, Shirley Maclaine, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman. Loren magically kept her perfect looks well past her prime, but as evident from last night, her regimen is starting to slip.

Many of the actresses attending the ceremonies were excited to meet the legendary beauty, but Academy staff advised them to steer clear of her. “It was very strange,” explained Cotillard. “As soon as we stepped backstage, a security guard was by her side, watching her every move. It almost seemed like he was guarding us from her, not the other way around.”

It has long been rumored that Loren charms promising young actresses and takes them under her wing for mentoring. But none of these girls are ever heard from again, while Loren continues to thrive.

Later in the evening, Loren was caught examining Anne Hathaway’s necklace too closely, and was quickly ushered away.

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Whether he’s a fan of the books or just trying to make friends, Bat Boy was spotted waiting in line to meet the star of the upcoming film “Twilight”.

Robert Pattinson appeared at the King Prussia mall today to meet fans and sign memorabilia. His film is based on a popular book series that revolves around a love affair between a vampire boy and his high school human sweetheart.

Scientists are wondering if Bat Boy may be hitting that age where he is interested in romance.  Recently he was seen trying to find similar bat-people, so some are questioning why he was at the signing. Was he just confused by Pattinson’s bat-boy-like state in the film, or was he taken in by the books adolescent love story?

In any event, Bat Boy waited in line for eight hours to meet the actor.  Approaching the star, Bay Boy squeaked shyly, handing Pattinson a damp and slightly chewed copy of the book.  Patterson signed the book awkwardly and asked if he liked vampire stories, to which Bat Boy froze in fear then grabbed his book and ran away.

Bay Boy hid in the Old Navy accessory department crying, presumably angry at himself for getting so nervous.  Shortly thereafter he was approached by a group of girls his age who were fascinated in his vampire-like appearance.

The group was later seen in the food court, introducing Bat Boy to the A&W Root Beer Float.  Bat Boy spat it out and led the tweens outside to help him find his usual snack, mosquitoes.

SEATTLE, WA — Emergency room physicians in this great Northwestern city have been dealing with a rash of patients suffering from strange ankle bites. Dr. Scott Moore, an internist at Seattle General Hospital, told Weekly World News.

“Initially, we worked on the theory these were some sort of insect bites. We discovered that all the patients had recently been for walks through the botanical garden and crossed over the troll bridge.”

Scientists from the Seattle School of Entomology were dispatched to the arboretum. What they found was no insect.

Dr. Jane Simons told WWN, “I was crossing the troll bridge with my bug net when ‘he’ popped up in front of me. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know right away that this fanged, caped man was a vampire.”

Except the mini-vampire was only three feet high.

Dr. Simons said, “No wonder he could only bite ankles.” She slammed her net over him but he chewed right through and vanished into the thick foliage.

Dr. Simons’ discovery brought a flurry of scientists to Seattle to study the diminutive Dracula. In an attempt to explain the presence of the little nipper, noted Romanian vampire expert Dr. Zoltan Orr said, “A dwarf strain of vampires has long been rumored.

“Around the world we have found evidence of discarded ammunition boxes being used as small coffins and wooden stakes as small as tooth­picks. So we knew there were some little guys out there.”

Regarding the discovery in Seattle, Dr. Orr said, “While vampires are nocturnal, the perpetual grayness of the Pacific Northwest seems to have provided this little fellow with a welcome shield from the sun.”

When asked how the native from Transylvania might have ended up in the Seattle botanical garden Dr. Orr said, “I suspect he was accidentally transported in a box of Romanian dirt. The garden uses native plants and soil and Dr. Simons reports a lush growth of Romanian lilies.”

Dr. Orr indicated the bite from this pocket-sized beast caused only low-grade reactions in his victims but also added, “This small-scale sucker is still highly dangerous even though he is sort of cute — like a baby crocodile is cute.”

Arboretum officials are at a loss as to what to do with the diminutive plasma thief.

“Attendance has been way up since the discovery,” said director Flora Bush. “We have posted warning signs but, frankly, people like to be scared. Nobody ever lost money giving the public what they want. And to be honest, we need the money.”

“I suggest they plant garlic along the paths,” Dr. Orr suggested.

“That should protect the public but still give them a thrill when the vampire pops up and nips at their heels.”

A coal miner is nursing a sore tush — and a tormenting fear that he’s destined to join the ranks of the undead.

Jorge Cortez was just finishing his shift in the Molinaro Coal Mine near the city of Santa Elena, Venezuela, when he heard the violent pounding of giant wings in a dark passageway.

Before he could react, an enormous bat flew out of the tunnel and made straight for him.

“I turned to run, but he bit me on my backside,” Cortez says. “I screamed and fainted from the pain.”

The 44-year-old miner awoke lying on his stomach in the emergency room of Santa Maria Hospital in Santa Elena.

“The doctors were standing around, looking at me and laughing,” he says. “They didn’t believe me when I told them I’d been attacked by a bat with a wingspan of at least 12 feet. They tested my blood for drugs.”

Despite their skepticism, the medics confirm that Cortez sustained two puncture wounds on his left buttock.

They also note that he demonstrated a “morbid fascination” with blood and had to be forcibly removed from the hospital’s blood bank.

“I know it was a vampire,” the miner says from a standing position.

“I always used to like my steaks well done. Now, I want them rare.”