WASHINGTON – The U.S. government is reportedly mandating that all American school kids eat pink slime.

The company that sells ground beef treated with ammonia proclaims their meat mixture is good for America’s schoolchildren, even though parents across the country are seriously questioning the safety of what has been dubbed “pink slime.”

Beef Products Inc. (BPI) made the declaration about its “lean finely textured beef” or LFTB over the weekend to The Daily, which broke the news that the federal government plans to buy ground beef that contains 7 million pounds of the product in the coming year. After the report, “pink slime” became the most searched topic on the internet.

The U.S. Depart of Health and the USDA stepped in and they reportedly investigated the pink slime.  “We found that the pink slime is actually some of the best food we’ve every analyzed.  We are recommending that all students eat pink slime every day of the school year,” said a source in the government.

The USDA reportedly feels that the pink slime will help kids grow stronger, taller and make them smarter and more focused.

Pink slime accomplishes three important goals on behalf of millions of kids,” said a spokesperson for the pink slime industry.  “It improves the nutritional profile, increases the safety of the products and  meets the budget parameters that allow the school lunch program to feed kids nationwide every day.”

The USDA reportedly said that extracting beef remnants from fat and trimmings, where pathogens such as e. coli and salmonella are found in markedly higher concentrations, is a cost-effective way to increase overall yields — shaving an estimated three cents off the cost of making a pound of ground beef.

Children are getting used to the pink slime and were excited to learn that Pink Slop, made from the intestines of pigs, was going to be served in the near future as well.

Michelle Obama has approved the pink slime.  “If kids eat the slime every day, it will help them to lose weight,” said a source close to the East Wing.

“Yeah, they’ll lose weight, they’ll be in the bathroom all day,” said one livid parent, Jenny Lement who is refusing to allow her daughter to eat pink slime.   WWN can report that Ms. Lement was arrested on charges of child endangerment.

Pink Slime for all!

WASHINGTON – U.S. lawmakers have reportedly authorized the army to begin “kinetic military actions” – to take place on the Internet.

The announcement came with no fanfare, but quietly, in a short paragraph that includes the military budget for 2012.

The House and Senate agreed to give the U.S. military the power to conduct “offensive” strikes online — including clandestine attacks, via a little-noticed provision in the military’s 2012 funding bill.

The power, which was included in the House version but not the Senate version, was included in the final “reconciled” bill that is all but guaranteed to pass into law.

“Congress affirms that the Department of Defense has the capability, and upon direction by the President may conduct offensive operations in cyberspace to defend our Nation, Allies and interests, subject to–

(1) the policy principles and legal regimes that the Department follows for kinetic capabilities, including the law of armed conflict; and
(2) the War Powers Resolution (50 U.S.C. 1541 et seq.).”

While “offensive” action isn’t defined, that’s likely to include things like unleashing a worm like the Stuxnet worm that damaged Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, hacking into another country’s power grid to bring it down, disabling websites via denial-of-service attacks, or as the CIA has already done with some collateral damage, hacking into a forum where would-be terrorists meet in order to permanently disable it.

The military budget, which approved the classification of the law, states: “Congress affirms that the Department of Defense has the potential for and, under specific directions, can perform offensive operations in cyberspace to defend our nation, partners and other interests, in accordance with the principles and legal systems that the Department defines for the kinetic action potential, inclusive within armed conflict and the resolution of the powers of war.”

The President and his military leaders now have a free way to declare, also, a war on the Internet where they will operate without the need to follow any principles or legal systems that require permission from Congress.

There are also other obscure terms, for example, what do they consider an “offensive action”? Although not specified, the Pentagon’s strategy for “security on the Internet,” is another nice euphemism. They have been occupied in trying to define the meaning of this offensive for months.

It is worth explaining that “offensive actions” may include the release of viruses of all kinds, the destruction of services and the ability to invade the energy control systems in other countries, disabling their power grids and generating complete blackouts.

We stress the fact that the actions “may include” because there are no precedents in relation to net cyber war or war, and these actions can expect to receive similar responses, as with real warfare attacks, keeping in view everything that has been pointed out as offensive in this text

This threat of war is precipitated by cyber-paranoia, prophesying all sorts of cyber-apocalypse scenarios and other cyber-deception to promote fear.

There is no record of any attacks from hackers that have put anyone in real danger, not even at risk, it is “highly dependent on Internet infrastructure.”

The conference report goes on to say:

“The conferees recognize that because of the evolving nature of cyber warfare, there is a lack of historical precedent for what constitutes traditional military activities in relation to cyber operations and that it is necessary to affirm that such operations may be conducted pursuant to the same policy, principles, and legal regimes that pertain to kinetic capabilities.

The conferees also recognize that in certain instances, the most effective way to deal with threats and protect U.S. and coalition forces is to undertake offensive military cyber activities, including where the role of the United States Government is not apparent or to be acknowledged. The conferees stress that, as with any use of force, the War Powers Resolution may apply.

Despite mainstream news accounts, there’s been no documented hacking attacks on U.S. infrastructure designed to cripple it. A recent report from a post-9/11 intelligence fusion center that a water pump in Illinois had been destroyed by Russian hackers turned out to be baseless — and was simply a contractor logging in from his vacation at the behest of the water company.”

Over the last few years, there’s been a drumbeat from D.C. and security contractors about the possibility of “cyberwar,” and the military has been pushing for, and largely receiving, increased funding for internet security research and more power to monitor and operate on the civilian internet.

Chinese hackers, perhaps affiliated with the government, have targeted large U.S. corporations, defense contractors and human rights groups with data-stealing trojans, something Bloomberg News trumpeted Tuesday as an “undeclared global cyber war.”

However, spying isn’t an act of war — just ask the NSA and CIA, who spend billions of dollars a year spying on other countries by intercepting communications and persuading foreign citizens to give the U.S. valuable intelligence. It’s certainly an aggressive state action, and a diplomatic issue. But if spying was an act of war, every CIA agent hiding under diplomatic cover would count as cause for a country to attack the U.S.

Source: Cubadebate, with information on Tribuna Popular TP 

Translated from the Portuguese version by:
Lisa Karpova

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has officially renamed the U.S. Government of the U.S. Federal Family.

President Barack Obama issued and Executive Order today that officially changes the name “U.S. Government” to “U.S. Federal Family.”

“President Obama feels that the term ‘government’ has taken on a bad connotation in the last decade, because of bad policies by previous administrations,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carny.  The government takes care of many of our citizens and we want the country to think of the government in a positive light.  That’s what the U.S. is now a ‘Federal Family’ rather than a ‘government’.  It’s much more positive and will make all Americans feel good about Washington.”

The phrase was repeatedly used this weekend in the “Federal Family’s” response to Hurricane Irene.

Here’ an example from an official FEMA document issued last Friday.

“Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast,” a FEMA news release declared Friday as Irene churned toward landfall.

“The G-word, “government,”  has been nearly banished from all agencies,” said Nancy Pelosi, the minority leader of the House.  “The Republicans have made the G-word into something that upsets Americans.  Democrats want to make America great again, and the first step is to get rid of that ugly word.”

Professors around the country agree. “’Government’ is such a dirty word right now,” says Florida State University communication professor Davis Houck. “Part of what the federal government does and any elected official does is change the terms of the language game into terms that are favorable to them.”

“Family” can evoke favorable thoughts of motherhood and security, “says Nancy Pelosi.

In “the family” here is crazy Uncle Harry and wacky Aunt Nancy:

And here’s Papa:

The phrase “federal family” has been used before – in the 1930s, under President Franklin Roosevelt.

A Google search shows the phrase appearing 10 times on FEMA’s website during the Bush years. Since Obama took office, “federal family” has turned up 118 times on fema.gov, including 50 Irene-related references.

Among them: statements that the Obama administration “is committed to bringing all of the resources of the federal family to bear” for storm assistance and that “the entire federal family continues to lean forward to support the states in their ongoing response efforts.”

Republicans were quick to respond.  “This is another outrageous attempt by the Obama administration to manipulate language to control Americans,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Boehner doubts that “Federa Family” will give the public a warm and fuzzy view of Washington.

“Will it create jobs?” Boehner asked rhetorically. “Hell no, it won’t!!”

“We really like the new label,” said Senator Harry Reid.  “People will have a hard time believing that your ‘family’ would to anything to harm you.  I think this will be a major step in bringing America back to greatness.

Make sure you pay your taxes to your Federal Family next April 15th – or you will be spanked!!

YELLOWSTONE PARK, WY – Scientists announced that a super volcano exists underneath Yellowstone National Park.

Scientists recently made known that a super volcano lurks just below the surface of the ground in Yellowstone National Park. This subterranean behemoth has not made a peep in the past 640,000 years but scientists speculate that this molten monster is sure to erupt…eventually. And when it does we are all doomed for sure.

Upon eruption the super volcano is predicted to spew lava and ash 25 plus miles into the air. The magnitude of the eruption will be thousands of times more powerful than that of the Mount St. Helens disaster in 1980. The eruption will also put the Icelandic disaster to shame by wiping out most of United States, leaving only 1/3 of the country inhabitable.

With the impending doom of the super volcano, the US government has decided to initiate Project Cover-up. Within the next two years the US plans to build an explosion proof, park wide bio-dome that will protect the rest of the country in the event of a large scale eruption.

“We have to preemptively strike against Mother Nature just like we did with Iraq,” explained General Patraeus, who has ordered the US Army Corps Engineers (ACE) to begin the design and construction of the structure.

ACE has struck a deal with Ashai, the Japanese corporation that manufactures Dragontail, for the glass exoskeleton that will surround the entire park. Dragontail is a super strong scratch and explosive resistant glass. Ashai’s main competition is CorningWare, who produces Gorilla Glass. Gorilla Glass is supplied to many flat panel television manufactures like Samsung, Sony and Insignia and touch screen smart phone manufacturers like HTC, Motorola, and Apple.

“We are every excited to start this project,” said Saruwatari Michiyo, head of PR and Marketing at Ashai, “the amount of revenue that we will receive from this project will allow our R & D department to leap light years ahead of Corning and their wimpy Gorilla Glass.”

Parks officials assured the public that the ecosystem of Yellowstone would not be disrupted by the construction. They continued by explaining that the general public would still be able to enter the famous National Park. The only difference being that there will now only be four entrances, one at the northeast, northwest, southeast and southwest corners of the park. In addition to the limited ingress and egress, all visitors will be required to sign a disclaimer upon entering, acknowledging that in the event of an eruption all exits will be sealed and they will be trapped inside to fend for themselves.

CENTERVILLE, VA -  A blue UFO was confirmed over Virginia last night!

A large number of people in Centreville are talking about a bright blue light spotted moving in the sky Wednesday night. But no one had an explanation for this unidentified flying object last night, but today the Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security said this:

“It was a UFO.  Our agents confirmed it this morning.”

UFO experts around the country carefully examined the photos this morning.  “I’d say the UFO is from Planet Zeeba, which is a planet in The Tadpole Galaxy.  They are known to fly nothing but blue spaceships.”

It was in the night sky just above Lee Highway when shoppers looked up and saw something weird in Centreville and it was all of it caught on camera.

“All of a sudden, it would stop and go back like this,” said Bryan Fains, using his finger to point out the direction of the blue light in the sky. “At one point, it stopped and went up and up.

Fains quickly grabbed his phone, turned on the camera and recorded the erratic blue light in the night sky. It flew around for about 10 minutes. 

“There]was no sound. It was a distinct blue light. It never flashed or blinked or nothing. It was just blue,” said Fains. “It’s weird. You only see this type of stuff in movies. Just as long as we’re here, I’m sure there are other things somewhere.

Fains has not seen it since. Only just the occasional airplane from Dulles Airport. He is all too familiar with those flying objects and their loud sounds. Fains says this one had no sound. The apparent UFO sighting has him baffled.

Some in the government are once again trying to cover this UFO sighting up.  They are spreading disinformation.  Even Janet Napolitano is backtracking a little bit now… but it’s a fact.  There WAS a UFO over Virginia last night.

newsreport:

full video:

Weekly World News investigative reporters have discovered that the U.S. government has issued Bat Boy a passport for international travel!

Reactions from politicians has been mixed. Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s campaign manager issued the statement, “Senator Obama is happy to see any Americans—mutant or otherwise—venturing out and changing how global citizens view our country.”

The GOP was more cautious. During a meet-and-greet with Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, Governor Palin was asked how she felt on the matter. “I can’t imagine he’s one of those kids who graduated college and their parents got him a passport and a backpack and said, ‘Go off and travel the world.’ If he worked hard, then he deserves it.”

When asked for reasons why Bat Boy—a known felon after having led cops on a three-state car chase—should be allowed to travel abroad, she stuttered and replied, “I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring ‘em to ya!”