ROBOTS ENROLLED IN COLLEGE

Frank Lake — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 19:27:44 +0000

PITTSBURGH, PA – Carnegie-Mellon University has 547 robots in its freshman class.

Carnegie Mellon University just completed a survey of its freshman class and it tallied 547 robots on campus, including Tank Le Fleur (math major), Boss (theatre major) and Opto-Isolator (an artist – and know womanizer).

It all started when Heather Flink, a Ph.D. comparative literature candidate, noticed that a lot of the students in her freshman Comp & Lit class were Robots. She soon learned that the Robotics Institute at Carnegie Mellon not only created Robots for research and study, but they the institute also was responsible for educating and indoctrinating robots from all around the country.

“Robots chose Carnegie-Mellon above all other universities because we see that Robots are the future for our country and we want human students to get used to living and working side-by-side with robots,” said University President Arnold Merkin.

Robots are fully engaged in all aspects of campus life. Here is a senior robot, Mika-Tika, conducting the Carnegie-Mellon Orchestra:

“Not only are robots fully integrated into the university as students, but they are very active in the campus social life,” said Dean of Student Life, Toni Trigiani. “Half of the robots that we admit are “male-oriented” and half are female-oriented.” She went on to say that several of the female robots are the most popular “girls” on campus.

Here’s a picture of senior, Opa-Shoo-Shoo. She was just voted “Senior Class Hottie” by the student body:

Some senior girls at CMU have accused Shoo-Shoo of being a “Slutbot” but Shoo-Shoo vehemently denies it. “I was not programmed with the antiquated morals of my human counterparts. If a boy wants to have sex with me after I have successfully run the appropriate tests on him to determine his viability, and approved him… then that is a private matter between that human and myself.”

Some freshmen at CMU feel that there are too many robots on campus. “I can understand admitting some robots, but 547?! That’s crazy. It’s hard enough getting into college competing against all the Asians that ace the SATs, how are kids going to compete against robots?”, said freshmen John Lutz.

Lutz has a point. The average SAT score for incoming robots was 1600 out of 1600. When the essays portion was included the robots wavered a bit, but still their average was 2300 out of 2400.

Will other colleges start admitting robots?

Well, the real question is how much longer can universities continue to admit humans, when robots are clearly more qualified. It’s a real dilemma for the future of college education in America.

What do you think?

IS YOUR COLLEGE CLASSMATE AN ALIEN?

Erik Van Datiken — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 20:58:08 +0000

PHOENIX, AZ – With the beginning of another school-year approaching, it’s been reported that space aliens have enrolled in local colleges and universities. However, we can learn to spot these creatures with help from leading expert Dr. Karl Bauer.

Bauer explains, “By learning to see through their disguises, we’ll be able to track their movements and make sure their intentions are honorable.”

Whether or not these alien’s motives are evil in nature is still in question, but Dr. Bauer remains rather conflicted: “We know for a fact that thousands of them have arrived on Earth over the past few years. They have enrolled in colleges and universities in order to learn more about mankind and our culture. I’m not in a poition to say whether that is good or bad.”

How can YOU identify extraterrestrials on your campus? Dr. Bauer has compiled a list of traits and quirks that may give away an alien visitor:

Mismatched clothing. Aliens have little to no understanding of human fashion. They might wear tuxedos with a bathing suit, socks of different colors — or striped skirts with paisley blouses.
Bizarre eating habits. Aliens may try to eat soup or peas with a knife or guzzle poisionous liquids like ammonia or kerosene.
Flawed sense of humor. E.T.’s are notorious for telling jokes that no one understands. They also tell the same bad jokes over and over.
Fear or hatred of music. Aliens often find Earth music shrill or difficult to understand. They won’t hesitate to turn off a radio — even when it doesn’t belong to them.
Misuse of telephones. Though it’s not clear why, aliens often answer phones that aren’t ringing — or continue to hold the handset to their ears hours after they party they were talking to has hung up.
Unwarranted fascination with machines. Space aliens may spend hours staring at a clock or watch — or stare in stunned silence at a children’s toy gyroscope.

Weekly World News » university

ROBOTS ENROLLED IN COLLEGE

IS YOUR COLLEGE CLASSMATE AN ALIEN?