PRINCETON, NJ – Princeton Review’s 2011 list of best party schools shocked students from coast-to-coast. Harvard is #1!

Princeton Review has come out with their list of top party schools for 2011, and to everyone’s surprise, Harvard takes the title for the first time. College students in Cambridge lead the way in party fun. In celebration, The Harvard Glee Club sang “The Camel Drivers” for five hours straight.  Students rattled noisemakers all night.

Hard-partying college students around the country are up in arms over the selection.  J.T. Cobb, a senior at the University of Georgia said, “No way, man!!  Harvard is for nerds and dorks and boring people. There’s no way they can out party us at Georgia. No freaking way.”

To prove his party prowess, J.T. put on a gas mask and did a mega bong hit AND a keg-stand at the same time. The Princeton Review, the elite organization that also scores the SATs, gave J.T. only a 620 (out of 800) on his keg stand.  Meanwhile, Charlotte Blackmon of Harvard University, who was valedictorian of her Choate high school class and had perfect SAT scores, also did a keg stand for the Princeton Review judges. Her keg stand earned her a 800.  J.T. complained because he thought the judges were influenced by her exposed butt cheek. You decide. Here’s Charlotte in action:

Harvard President , Drew Gilpin Faust,  was not surprised.  “Harvard has a long history of wild parties. Just last winter we had a Scrabble Scramble that was just divine.  “I was bouncing off the walls” said Arthur Goldstein, a freshmen at Harvard.  “I had two oatmeal cookies and a glass of lemonade. I was up until 2 a.m.!”

According to the Princeton Review, Harvard has some of the best “party clubs” in the country. Here are some of the wild events that were happening on campus when the Princeton Review Party Crew visited:

* Ballroom Dance-o-rama
* Shakespeare Sonnet Night with Elena Kagan
* In Vino Veritas: Wine Tasting with Paul Giamatti
* Midnight Squash (Co-ed!)
* Metaphysical 17th Century Poetry Slam
* Corporate Legal Brief Readings – in your briefs!
* Timed Rubik’s Cube Competition
* Afternoon Soda-palooza
* Keg Stand Instruction with Charlotte Blackmon

Harvard students, who are used to being #1 in everything, were ecstatic to hear the news. They want college students across the country to know that they can throw down, too. “I always knew we had the best soirees,” said sophomore Jiddu Balasubramaniu. “There’s a lot of Harvard Haters out there, but we don’t care. We’re better than everyone else… in everything. Forever.”

To celebrate, Harvard students had a Scone and Herbal Tea Party in Harvard Square.  The main attraction:  Charlotte Blackmon doing keg stands.

Here’s Princeton Review’s Top Ten list:

1. Harvard University
2. Bowdoin
3. The Citadel
4. John Hopkins University
5. University of Pierre
6. Bob Jones University
7.  Ohio University
8. Glenn Beck University
9. Santa Monica College
10. Georgia Tech

What do you think?

DALLAS  – According to sources close to the Texas governor – Rick Perry fakes his twang.

Rick Perry is known for his tough talk and his heavy Texas twang.  But an insider close to the governor says that he is faking his Texas twang – because he feels it will appeal to voters.

“Oh hell, he’s been faking it for years,” said Perry family friend, Tad Boller.   “He was born in Texas, but his parents ‘educated the twang’ out of him when he was a boy.  I bust a gut every time I hear him make a speech.”

Why does Perry do it?  “He thinks it makes him more of a cowboy, makes him sound tougher,” said Boller.

Perry considers himself a “rugged Texan” who often tells supporters he can ride a bronco bareback and can rope a calf blindfolded.  Perry proudly tells friends he can wrestle a brown bear and is willing to prove it.  “Brown bears don’t scare me.  What scares me is people who believe in evolution.  That scares the grits out of me.”

Also, according to insiders, Perry is really a Democrat.  “He likes talking like a big ole Red Republican, but he really is an environmentalist at heart, who believes fully in global warming.  He also likes higher taxes, unions and is pro-choice.  Once he becomes President, he plans on doing the Texas two-step on the American people.  He’s already saying that Al Gore is going to be his Secretary of Energy.”

As a boy, Perry took lessons to learn how to speak with a proper Texas twang.  “It was kind the reverse of what you saw in that movie, The King’s Speech,” Boller said.   Boller said taht Perry used to speak English with no accent whatsoever, but he wanted to be considered ‘cool’ by his classmates in high school,  so he started taking Twang Lessons.  In college, at Texas A&M, Perry lapsed back and lost his twang, but when he made a run for Texas governor, he brought back his teacher and… now he’s making a run for President.”

Professor Guy Bailey, a linguistics expert at University of Texas, is Rick Perry’s twang instructor.

Perry tells friends he prefers “Texas English,” than “English English.”  Perry says that Texas English is more desirable these days and that foreign leaders “expect American Presidents to have a Texas twang.  “They respect us more if our President has the twang,” Perry told a town hall in South Carolina.y

Perry wakes up every day to an alarm clock that says, “Y’all have a good day. “  He alwasy says he is all for big “bidness” and tells friends that he is “fixin’ to” send Barack Obama back to Illinois.”  Perry has a personal goal of saying “y’all” at least 100 times a day.  “He thinks the more he says it, the more of a Texan he is,” said Boller.

But there’s another cowboy in town, and he’s learning to twang, too:

AUSTIN, TX – On the campus of the University of Texas yesterday afternoon, Bat Boy registered to vote in the Lone Star State.

This marked the forty-eighth state in which the half-bat, half-boy national icon successfully registered to help the nation decide the next US President.  Weekly World News sources confirmed that he will attempt to register in Virginia and Washington, D.C. before November’s election.

Getting wind of the incredible feat of voter fraud, several watchdog groups have so far filed lawsuits in 37 states.  When confronted with the issue, Federal Election Commission Chairman Donald McGahn said, “Sure it’s a travesty of justice, but, well, it’s Bat Boy.  He’s an American institution.”

Conservatives are speculating that Senator Barack Obama used his ties to the space alien who endorsed him to assist in Bat Boy’s multi-state registration. It is widely believed that Obama’s recent revelation of his mutant half-brother Obatma that swayed Bat Boy’s decision to vote Democratic.