ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Sew another star on the flag.  Mexico will become our 51st state in 2012.

State and congressional leaders from California, Arizona, Texas and New Mexico say it’s the only way to solve America’s massive illegal immigration problem.

“Keep the Mexicans from sneaking across the border is like trying to shoo flies off a hog’s back.  We might as well make them U.S. citizens and try to get a little tax money out of the,” said a source close to Texas Gov. Rick Perry.

Officials of the four states bordering Mexico are secretly gathering statehood support for that country because they bear most of the cost of illegal immigration.  President  Obama is fully behind the initiative.

“Pregnant women enter the U.S. illegally so their babies will be born here – and thus become American citizens,” said a congressman who is spearheading the move to Mexican statehood. “Mexican men slip across the border to work.  And a few of them wind up in jail, costing us more than they spend here.

“We’re tired of U.S. taxpayers footing the bill to provide schooling, medical and other help for illegal aliens because the federal government doesn’t enforce our immigration laws,” he added.

The U.S. already spends billions of dollars each year for aid to Mexico’s impoverished 92 million people.

Then, of course there’s NAFTA and the recent Mexican financial bailout that is costing Americans a bundle.

Mexicans are jumping at a chance for U.S. statehood, say sources.  72 percent of Mexicans say they would welcome become a state in the United States.

Some Republicans are objecting to the initiative.  “We should we make them Americans?  Just so they can siesta all day, draw welfare checks, eat tacos and won’t have to worry about border guards leaning on them.  It’s ridiculous.  We’re the only Americans in North America!”

The fruit and vegetable growers strongly oppose statehood for Mexico, afraid that their workers may stay in Mexico.  But, many believe that everybody will benefit from statehood for Mexico.

One sponsor of the bill in the White House said, “the Border Patrol is tired of grabbing illegal immigrants and sending them back to Mexico, and the ones already here, live in fear of being captured, like pre-World War II Germany when the Jewish people had to wear the star of David bands on their arms to announce they were Jewish rather than German. Germans were the ones attempting to make a distinct.  Mexicans are already living and working in the United States. Most of them are working in hospitals, restaurants, landscaping and other service industries. Instead of playing tag at the border with illegal immigrants, it would be simpler to make Mexico the 51st state!”

“Changing border boundaries would eliminate the need to patrol the border and would save a lot of money. Then too, Americans wanting to vacation in Can Cun or other tropical paradises in Mexico, could freely travel to those spots. Then there would be no need to patrol the southern United States border any longer.

“Civil liberties and lifestyles would greatly improve for all Mexicans as the United States could spend its middle east war money on a worthwhile cause – namely, bring Mexico up to the same standard of living as what the Americans have already.”

Say Hola to the new citizens of the United States!!

MEXICO CITY –  Americans, in the hundreds of thousands, are crossing the border into Mexico -looking for work.

There were ZERO jobs created in the United States last week.  Unemployment remains over 9.1% and if you consider all the Americans that have stopped looking for work, the number is closer to 20%.

The answer for a large group of Americans:   Mexico.

The Mexican economy is booming.  Many of  the illegal immigrants that  have come to the United States have turned around and headed back to Mexico.  Yes, there are drug cartels killing citizens, police officers and government officials, but there are jobs there and Americans are willing to take the risk.

“I’m not worried about the drug dealers, I need a job.  I need to take care of my family,” said Steven Rivera of El Paso, Texas.   Rivera’s family will remain  in El Paso, while Steven works in at a Tequila Farm in Baja.  ”I’ll only be making about $3,000 a month, but the cost of living is low.  I’ll be sending most of the money back to my family.”

Mexican Border Patrol has seen a spike in Americans running across the border into Mexico – looking for work.

But the MBP has  different approach to illegal immigration.  ”If we see anybody running across the border, we will kill them on the spot.  We will use as many bullets as it takes to make sure the illegal is no longer a threat to Mexico.”

Still, Americans are running across the border in record number, with only backpacks and bottles of water.  ”Many are making through the desert of Mexico and getting to Mexico City, but many, unfortunately, are not making it,” said White House head Mexican-American relations, Jill Bonderas, says that the Obama Administration is doing all it can to keep illegal immigrants safe in our country and “we hope the Mexicans are keeping the Americans who cross the border safe as well.”

Thousands of Americans are seen standing outside Hardware Y Siseno (the equivalent of Home Depot), hoping to be picked up for day labor jobs.

“Hopefully,  if America can create jobs again, and Americans won’t have to leave to find jobs in Mexico, but the trend seems to be increasing,” said Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis.  ”But, in the meantime, we are sure they will have a good time in Mexico.  It’s so beautiful down there”

WASHINGTON, DC – Budget crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for financial aid.

The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on March 4 of this year and if a temporary spending bill is not put into place beforehand, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.

Republicans have proposed $60 billion in federal spending cuts in order to keep the U.S. government out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. And although the house is now under Republican control, there are still concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.

As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.

Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Planned Parenthood and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams.  P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR.  P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.

P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.

“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”

Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the 2008 elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.

“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”

WASHINGTON – U.S. to develop giant reflective cones to keep the sun up 24/7.

In the last few decades much debate has been given to the notion as to whether or not the ritual of Daylight Savings Time has any value to our contemporary culture.

The act of turning ones clock back an hour was developed during revolutionary times in the U.S. in order to increase the amount of usable sunlight for outdoor work.

Modern day advocates feel that the turning back of time aids in energy consumption and that the extra hour of sun puts a smile on everyone’s face. According to the U.S. Federal Government, daylight savings time is a win, win for everyone.

Rep. Edward J. Markey, Member of the House Natural Resources Committee, said, “We can’t put a price on the happiness an extra hour of sunshine can bring, but we can count the savings. Government analysis has proven that extra sunshine provides more than just smiles.

Daylight Saving Time saves consumers money and also curbs the nation’s energy consumption, which means lower energy bills, less pollution and more reasons to enjoy the outdoors”

And Rep. Fred Upton, Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, said, “Between energy conservation, lower bills and fewer traffic accidents, the benefits of extending Daylight Saving Time are many – not to mention the additional hour of sunshine in the evening will help chase away the winter blues.”

But with energy costs continue to rise there has been talk of a way to better utilize the concept of Daylight Savings Time. As a result, the U.S. has begun to develop a plan to launch enormous reflective cones into outer space in order to capture the rays of the sun and reflect them back to the country 24hrs a day in a measure that is being called “It’s Always Sunny in America”.

Markey and Upton who are co-chairing the committee for “It’s Always Sunny in America” have determined that the program could result in total electrical savings of 18.4 tera Watt-hour. This savings represents the reduction of oil usage by 36.4 million barrels and electricity saving in excess of $1 billion.

Both Mexico and Canada are voicing concerns about how this project could affect their cultures. Mexico has voiced concerns about maintaining their tradition of the siesta, an afternoon nap. While Canada is just more concerned about getting a good nights sleep.

WASHINGTON – With supplies of execution drugs disappearing, the U.S. has turned to more primitive methods of execution.

Earlier this week the Federal government informed state attorney’s throughout the nation that the supply of a key drug used for executions has run dry. The missing drug in question is called sodium thiopental, an anesthetic used during lethal injection executions.

“At the present time, the federal government does not have any reserves of sodium thiopental for lethal injections and is therefore facing the same dilemma as many states,” wrote U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder in a March 4 letter sent to the National Association of Attorneys.

Further on in the letter Holder explains that the manufacture of the drug went out of business due to the company’s inability to escape the deadly grasp of the struggling economy.

Many federal officials along with the Bureau of Prisons’ general council have been researching alternate forms of exhibition due this “execution crisis.” So far the only state that has come forward with a plan is Ohio which will inject a surgical sedative called pentobarbital to perform their lethal injection executions.

However, the stock pile of this drug is also reported to be on its last legs as well. No other facilities are stepping forward to create more sodium thiopental or pentobarbital and with energy costs continuing to soar, the U.S. sees no way in the foreseeable future to sustain the use of modern execution techniques.

Therefore, starting in the fall of 2011 the U.S. will no longer perform executions by lethal injection, the electric chair or the gas chamber. From that point forward the U.S. will employ the following execution styles for all capital offenses.

Firing Squad

In this method the condemned is restrained, blindfolded and often given a last cigarette. But as this will be taking place in the U.S. the condemned will not longer be offered a last cigarette as smoking is bad for one’s health.

Guillotine

Although, outlawed in almost all countries the practice of cutting off the offenders head with a large angled blade has mad somewhat of a come back in the past decade. Artist Tom Sachs was commissioned by Chanel to make this guillotine as seen below. The U.S. saw the advertising potential here and quickly added this method to the list of new execution styles.

Stoning

Common tradition with this practice is to bury the criminal in the ground while stones are thrown at the individual until they are dead. Middle Eastern countries that employ this method bury men only up to their waists and women up to their shoulders. But like mentioned before, this will be taking place in the U.S. so both men and women will be buried up to their shoulders. Men and women have equal rights in the U.S.; to do it any other way would simply be uncivilized.

WASHINGTON – U.S. Army is now allowing minors to serve in the military in preparation for a war with Libya.

The U.S. armed forces are looking to increase the number of available ground troops in order to prepare for an invasion of Libya. And with the U.S. being overextended in several countries due to its current war efforts, the U.S. Army has now decided to allow Americans as young as 10 years of age to enlist.

The decision came shortly after the U.S. Army announcement that a young boy from Louisiana would be an honorary member. Upon seeing the motivation and excitement from the recent young recruit, General George W. Casey Jr. got the idea to make the radical decision allowing children to enlist.

“The situation in Libya is just getting out of control and we can no longer sit idly by,” explained General Casey, “We need to get troops on the ground there ASAP, but with most all of our troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq, we see no other choice but to lower the enrollment age.”

Several parents groups are up in arms over the announcement that the U.S. military is now actively trying to enlist minors into the armed services.

“It’s bad enough that they have Army recruitment facilities in malls throughout the U.S. These facilities have been nothing more than an arcade that allows kids to play video games for free. But now adding the element of attempting to coerce children into enlisting, that is just unconscionable!” said Shelly Silverman president of the newly formed organization Mothers Against Recruiting Teens and Youngster Recruitment.

However, not everyone sees this as a bad thing though.

“Most of the kids in America need a swift kick in the pants anyway. They all think that they know what war is all about because they play Call of Duty and Metal of Honor on their Xboxs and PS3s, but they don’t know crap about war,” said Bill Meriwether, a decorated war vet, “Have any of these 10 year olds video jockeys held a man in their arms as he bleeds to death from shrapnel being logged in his genitals? I doubt it. I say let ‘em get their hands dirty and see what it’s all about.”

Currently, minors may only enlist on a volunteer basis but do not require parental consent. No word if the draft will be reinstated. It is still up for debate. But based on the overwhelming need for troops and the recent decision to enlist youngsters, it will only be a matter of months before everyone from 10 to 55 will be drafted for the impending war with Libya.

CAIRO, Egypt – Scientists plan to resurrect King Tutankhamen to lead Egypt out of oppression.

With Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak barely being able to hold onto his thirty year regain of power, new potential presidential candidates are beginning to surface everywhere.

It appears unlikely that President Mubarak’s son Gamal Mubarak will be brought into power as many assumed would be the case; this mainly being due to the recent appointment of Omar Suleiman as Vice President. The Obama administration has been urging Mubarak to step down and allow Vice President Suleiman to oversee a military-backed transitional government until the election scheduled for this September.

The appointment of Mubarak as Vice President and the push from the Obama administration has not deterred other potential candidates from coming forward throughout Egypt. The head of the Arab League, Amr Moussa; founder of the Ghad (Tomorrow) party Ayman Nour; and Hamdin Sabahi of the unlicensed Karama (Dignity) party are among some of the leading contenders, but the most fascinating proposed candidate of all is the mummy of ancient Egyptian ruler King Tutankhamen.

Scientists at the Center for Human Reanimation, Incarnation and Stem-cell Technology, have begun using DNA samples from the mummy in order to reanimate the famous pharaoh. The biggest challenge for the scientists on the team is finding specific biometric identifiers of the ancient ruler.  The center is funded largely in part by the Muslim Brotherhood who has been remarkably quiet throughout the recent uprisings in Egypt. Many speculate that they have been keeping under the radar due to their involvement with the project.

“We have been very fortunate that the young ruler was preserved so well. We are just being very fastidious before claiming to have found the exact DNA sequence needed to reanimate the former leader,” said Srhahhm Lahedh, chief scientist working on the project.

Some religious leaders who have caught wind of the project are extremely concerned about what the scientists are doing, however.

“The dead are dead for a reason. God takes us when he feels that our time on earth is over. It is not the place of man to alter God’s will. Plus, will Tut still not have the same polytheological system of beliefs of his day. This faith could be catastrophic should he come to power.”

Weekly World News was able to acquire this statement form the Muslim Brotherhood with respect to their decision to resurrect the ancient ruler.

“Although King Tutankhamen was young and perhaps somewhat naïve when he ruled in ancient times, he has had over 3,000 years to think about the mistakes that he may have made. He was for ancient Egypt what JFK was for the United States in the 1960s. We are sure that he will be an excellent president.”

With elections still currently set for September of this year the Muslim Brotherhood feels confident that they will have King Tut fully animated and acclimated to 21^st century culture in time for the elections.

BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

WASHINGTON – Michelle Obama wants kids to get out and play, but how? By turning off the internet!

Americans are without a doubt addicted to the internet. US citizens spend, on average, close to 65 hours a month, per person, surfing the web. Some case studies have shown that certain regions of the US spend as much as 10 hours a day online and that usage is not work related.

With childhood obesity steadily on the rise and Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! program gaining little traction, the White House had decided to kick their efforts up a notch by turning off the internet. The information super-highway will not be shut of permanently, only on Sundays. The switch will be flipped at midnight on Sunday and be turned back on at midnight on Monday.

The First Lady came up with the idea after hearing that Egypt had turned the internet off nationwide earlier today. The Egyptians took this dramatic action not in order to get their children off of their behinds but rather in an attempt to silence the protests and demonstrations calling for the end of President Hosni Mubarak’s rule. Other countries such as China and Iran have made similar efforts to silence the voices of the internet as well, but Egypt is the first to successfully shut down all of the country’s connections.

The White House is assuring the American public that the once a week shut down will not have a negative effect on the country’s struggling economy as most businesses are closed on Sundays anyway.

“We have done extensive research on the matter and have concluded that the majority of businesses are closed on Sundays because people are attending church in the morning, grocery shopping the afternoon, and watching TV in the evening. No one is going to miss the internet on Sundays. The majority of Americans will not even realize that it is turned off,” said a White House representative at a press conference this morning.

However, many internet retailers are outraged over the news.

“This is completely un-American,” said Brian Fellow, owner of an Etsy shop that sells hand made Amish swimwear.

Internet retail giant Amazon.com is already filing a law suite against the US government, citing that the government is unjustly restricting their ability to do business.

The youth of America is dumb struck by the news as well.

“First Facebook now the entire internet, my life is going to pieces,” said Tammy Swanson, a sophomore at McCaskey East High School.

White house representatives have not given a specific date for the first internet free Sunday but sources believe that it will be within the next 6 months.

TUSCON, AZ- Mexican drug cartels must resort to primitive tactics to get drugs across the US border.

Drug dealers have used underground tunnels, human mules, and even the corpses of dead animals as methods to transport drugs into the United States but few seem to get past the ever elusive DEA. Now, the Mexican drug cartels are at their wit’s end.

With all the previous tactics proving to be useless, the drug dealers have decided to take a more primitive approach to drug smuggling. They are now using catapults to lob large sacks of marijuana and cocaine over the International Border fence.

Through a closed circuit surveillance system, National Guard troops working at the Nacho Naco Border Patrol Station have recently observed several people in ponchos and sombreros attempting to lob medium to large size bundles over the wall by way of catapult.

“Prior to the construction and attempted use of the catapult, we’ve observed them trying to throw the bundles, basketball style, over the wall. This is rather amusing as the wall is over 21 feet tall and 6 feet thick,” said Lieutenant Peters, “The best part is when they try to do layups. They almost always do face plants directly against the wall when they try this. It has been really entertaining to watch.”

Lieutenant Peters continued by explaining that these dopey drug dealers have been at it for months now and have been unsuccessful with all of their attempts to clear the wall. Some privates at the Naco Station have even taken to making microwave popcorn and watching the comedy fest during their breaks.

“This is one of the best reality shows out there right now. The only thing better is The Jersey Shore,” said Private Benjamin, “I’m really rooting for them with the catapult idea. I hope they make it this time. Granted if they do, we’ll have to detain them but still you gotta root for ‘em.”

Upon hearing about the closed circuit footage, Fox has decided to quickly put together a reality TV show about the group of Mexicans who have been attempting to launch the drugs over the fence. With the US government in desperate need of income to bring down the national debt, Fox has been able to acquire the past three months of footage for “an awesome price”. Fox plans to air the show by the summer of 2011.

It has been rumored that Fox will hire Carrot Top to host the show pending his release by the Canadian government as he is now officially owned by Canada.

Read how this happened here.

“We really love that we now own Carrot Top,” said Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, “he is now regarded as a national treasure. Our people can really relate to his pasty white skin and the women love is muscular physique. It is going to take a lot for us to let him out of our grasp.”