TOKYO – A group of Japanese children are convinced a zombie is attacking their home… so they fight back!

Three Japanese kids are tricked into believing a zombie is coming to get them. But they don’t get scared, they get mean.

AMSTERDAM – Accident victim Godfried Lansing was declared dead and lay in a morgue for 48 spine-chilling hours before suddenly bouncing back to life. And now the poor guy’s fiancee is terrified to go near him – because she thinks he’s a zombie!

“He came back from the dead – and only zombies come back from the dead,” said superstitious Aleida De Groot, 20. “His soul has been sntached from his body. He’s evil and I want nothing to do with him. I loved William with all my heart, but if he ever comes near me again, I’ll scream.”

A doctor pronounced Godfried dead at the scene after a car he and Aleida were in rammed a tree on the outskirts of Amsterdam.  Aleida survived the wreck and was hospitalized with minor injuries. Attendants took Godfried’s body to the city morgue and place it in a metal box to await burial.

But incredibly, Godfried was still alive. He drifted in and out of consciousness for two agonizing days and nights before a morgue attendant heard his cries for help. “When I cam to, it was very quiet,” he recalled. “I really believed I was trapped inside a coffin buried 10 feet underground. I screamed for hours and pounded on the lid until an orderly heard me.”

The frazzled man was rushed to a hospital, where doctors said he suffered only a minor concussion and cuts and bruises. “I couldn’t wait to see Aleida and tell her the good news, but she told me to stay away or she’ll call the police! She’s convinced I’m a zombie who has returned from the dead to terrorize her.”

[Image courtesy of FreakingNews.com]

BAJA, MEXICO – Mexican villagers trying to break a dance record on the Day of the Dead were in for an unwelcome surprise.

Via de los Reyes is a small village in the Baja region of Mexico, with only 586 full time residents.  To celebrate The Day of the Dead this past Sunday, a Mexican holiday when barriers to the spirit realm are believed to be weakest, the village decided to break the record for the largest re-enactment of Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Farm hands who had rehearsed their dance routine for weeks wore hand-stitched costumes and covered themselves in actual viscera as make-up for their performance. Crowds gathered to watch the villagers dance like Michael Jackson in their modest church graveyard.

However, in a testament to the power of Vincent Price’s voice, zombies rose from the ground when his monologue was projected over graves that had been decorated with chicken’s blood. Needless to say, this put a damper on the festivities.

Confusion quickly erupted as the entire village dressed like zombies was attacked by actual undead, each group not sure of who was whom.

Mexican authorities quickly contained the incident; the town is now under quarantine and casualties are expected to be minimal.  This marks the eighth time this has happened in Mexico since Thriller was released in 1983.

Washington, DC – The nation’s undead community is demanding the right to health insurance—and it is a battle it can win, say experts.

“We can’t issue health insurance to people who are technically not alive,” says one insurance industry spokesman. “But there is a possibility that we can provide undead plans, especially if the insured are nonsmokers.”

However, the government is firmly against the move.

A Capitol Hill insider says when insurance for vampires, werewolves and other undead species was mentioned to President Bush, he said it was “like a stake through his heart,” especially with Democratic members of Congress calling for the establishment of a Department of Undead Affairs.

“Aren’t the undead susceptible to their own weaknesses, like garlic and holy water?” asks one Democratic congresswoman. “Surely they have a right to insurance like everyone else.”

Both presidential candidates have been asked for their opinion on undead health insurance at recent rallies. Senator Obama responded, “I would be more than happy to discuss undead coverage in the future, once we’ve sorted out the living first.”

Senator McCain was less supportive. “When I become President, I am seriously considering putting a spending freeze on everything except defense and the caring of our veterans. Undead insurance is not exactly at the top of my list,” he snickered.

Vampire spokesman Anton Dreisch told Weekly World News: “I believe President Bush and Senator McCain have declared war on vampires and other members of the undead because they don’t think we’re part of their constituency. A number of us are Republicans. It’s not like we died and came back to life with different politics. That would be absurd!”

“Big Washington needs to think really hard about what they’re getting themselves into if we are denied. We literally have all the time in the world to fight for this.”

New Holland, PA – The Amish have begun using zombies for manual labor. Despite their reputation for resisting change and a simple life, the Amish are quickly replacing horses and other beasts of burden with the walking dead in many rural communities.

A recent outbreak in nearby Philadelphia brought scores of zombies to Pennsylvania’s idyllic “Amish Country.” Quilt shops and covered bridges from Lancaster to Brandywine were littered with animated corpses. But in tragedy, Jebediah Rosmarin saw an opportunity.

“The town was filled with zombies, and the Jenkins needed their barn raised. Seemed like the natural thing to do.” Rosmarin organized members of his community to corral and tie up the slow moving creatures. Then a volunteer acted as “bait” to lure the lumbering undead in a particular direction, and a barn was raised in record time.

Given their long lifespan and limited food requirements, zombies have become an ideal pack animal for a slow economy. Now covered buggies pulled by zombies can be seen slowly hobbling throughout Lancaster County.

When asked if it is ever awkward to see former friends and loved ones as living-dead pack animals, Rev. Kurtzweill responded “We know they would forgive us for denying them peace, and we forgive them for trying to eat us. In the end the work gets done and that’s what’s most important.”

Now other cities are considering the green alternative of zombie energy. Boston’s Transit Authority has begun work on zombie rickshaws and New York hopes to have zombie-pulled carriage rides through Central Park available by Christmas.

A coal miner is nursing a sore tush — and a tormenting fear that he’s destined to join the ranks of the undead.

Jorge Cortez was just finishing his shift in the Molinaro Coal Mine near the city of Santa Elena, Venezuela, when he heard the violent pounding of giant wings in a dark passageway.

Before he could react, an enormous bat flew out of the tunnel and made straight for him.

“I turned to run, but he bit me on my backside,” Cortez says. “I screamed and fainted from the pain.”

The 44-year-old miner awoke lying on his stomach in the emergency room of Santa Maria Hospital in Santa Elena.

“The doctors were standing around, looking at me and laughing,” he says. “They didn’t believe me when I told them I’d been attacked by a bat with a wingspan of at least 12 feet. They tested my blood for drugs.”

Despite their skepticism, the medics confirm that Cortez sustained two puncture wounds on his left buttock.

They also note that he demonstrated a “morbid fascination” with blood and had to be forcibly removed from the hospital’s blood bank.

“I know it was a vampire,” the miner says from a standing position.

“I always used to like my steaks well done. Now, I want them rare.”