PRINCETON, NJ – Princeton Review’s 2011 list of best party schools shocked students from coast-to-coast. Harvard is #1!

Princeton Review has come out with their list of top party schools for 2011, and to everyone’s surprise, Harvard takes the title for the first time. College students in Cambridge lead the way in party fun. In celebration, The Harvard Glee Club sang “The Camel Drivers” for five hours straight.  Students rattled noisemakers all night.

Hard-partying college students around the country are up in arms over the selection.  J.T. Cobb, a senior at the University of Georgia said, “No way, man!!  Harvard is for nerds and dorks and boring people. There’s no way they can out party us at Georgia. No freaking way.”

To prove his party prowess, J.T. put on a gas mask and did a mega bong hit AND a keg-stand at the same time. The Princeton Review, the elite organization that also scores the SATs, gave J.T. only a 620 (out of 800) on his keg stand.  Meanwhile, Charlotte Blackmon of Harvard University, who was valedictorian of her Choate high school class and had perfect SAT scores, also did a keg stand for the Princeton Review judges. Her keg stand earned her a 800.  J.T. complained because he thought the judges were influenced by her exposed butt cheek. You decide. Here’s Charlotte in action:

Harvard President , Drew Gilpin Faust,  was not surprised.  “Harvard has a long history of wild parties. Just last winter we had a Scrabble Scramble that was just divine.  “I was bouncing off the walls” said Arthur Goldstein, a freshmen at Harvard.  “I had two oatmeal cookies and a glass of lemonade. I was up until 2 a.m.!”

According to the Princeton Review, Harvard has some of the best “party clubs” in the country. Here are some of the wild events that were happening on campus when the Princeton Review Party Crew visited:

* Ballroom Dance-o-rama
* Shakespeare Sonnet Night with Elena Kagan
* In Vino Veritas: Wine Tasting with Paul Giamatti
* Midnight Squash (Co-ed!)
* Metaphysical 17th Century Poetry Slam
* Corporate Legal Brief Readings – in your briefs!
* Timed Rubik’s Cube Competition
* Afternoon Soda-palooza
* Keg Stand Instruction with Charlotte Blackmon

Harvard students, who are used to being #1 in everything, were ecstatic to hear the news. They want college students across the country to know that they can throw down, too. “I always knew we had the best soirees,” said sophomore Jiddu Balasubramaniu. “There’s a lot of Harvard Haters out there, but we don’t care. We’re better than everyone else… in everything. Forever.”

To celebrate, Harvard students had a Scone and Herbal Tea Party in Harvard Square.  The main attraction:  Charlotte Blackmon doing keg stands.

Here’s Princeton Review’s Top Ten list:

1. Harvard University
2. Bowdoin
3. The Citadel
4. John Hopkins University
5. University of Pierre
6. Bob Jones University
7.  Ohio University
8. Glenn Beck University
9. Santa Monica College
10. Georgia Tech

What do you think?

NEW YORK, NY – Researchers have been using satellite-aided georgaphical analysis to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s location, but he may be closer than they think.

A research team at the University of California-Los Angeles has been using nighttime satellite images and hiding-place location probabilities to attempt to find terrorist Osama bin Laden. Their conclusion is that bin Laden is most likely hiding out in Parachinar, a small Pakistani border town. They have even been able to pinpoint three specific compounds he may be living in.

However, Weekly World News has received word from numerous sources that Osama may actually be hiding out in New York City’s Central Park!

Classified documents list numerous witness accounts of seeing a very tall man in a white turban creeping around the wooded areas of the park. He is often seen cackling and drumming his fingers together. When one policeman approached him, he dove into a hole in the ground and disappeared.

The FBI have since discovered a network of tunnels under the park that the man conceivably dug. They have yet to fully explore it.

Will bin Laden be caught on the very land he committed his most heinous crime?