CHAPEL HILL, NC – Nutrition expert, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, has added Twinkies to his list of superfoods.

Dr. Perricone, an M.D. who is best known for his guest appearances on such television shows as ‘Oprah,’ the ‘Today Show’ and ‘Larry King Live,’ has just updated his list of top ten superfoods. Experts say superfoods help ward off heart disease, cancer, cholesterol, and more.

After three years of extensive research, done in association with the Nutrition Department at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Perricone concluded that, contrary to published reports and common sense, Twinkies are an extremely beneficial “superfood”.    They are the only artificially made food on his recommended list. Twinkies – those light, yellow sponge cakes, filled with delectable cream, wrapped in packages of two – are now officially a health food!

According to Perricone, Twinkies have a direct Brain-Beauty connection. Twinkies are rich in antioxidants and fiber.   Twinkies have been proven to lower or help regulate blood sugar levels—an extremely important factor for all of those concerned with slowing the aging process and preventing diabetes, obesity, wrinkles and a host of degenerative diseases.  Here’s how Twinkies fight disease:

* Prevent or reduce inflammation

* Help regulate metabolism and burn body fat

* Promote a sense of well-being and calm

* Lower total cholesterol

* Lower blood pressure

* Increase smiling

* Help protect against heart disease

* Help protect against cancer

* Help soothe nerves

* Satisfy a craving for sugar

* Help protect organs from toxins

* Promote digestive health

Many nutritionists are skeptical of Dr. Perricone’s findings, but he defends his Twinkie choice, “Twinkies are always fresh and retain their chemical makeup for a long time. These chemical traits transfer to the body when the Twinkie is ingested. Therefore the person eating it will stay fresh and live longer. “

Perricone, whose skin looked perfect, credited Twinkies for his “glow.”  He added, “You obviously can’t simply eat Twinkies all day and expect to meet your full daily nutritional requirements. But Twinkies must be part of a balanced diet that includes fruits, vegetables and raw steak… then you’ll live a long time, and you’ll always be beautiful.”

Contrary to some internet rumors, Twinkies do NOT grow on trees. Twinkies were invented in 1933 at Continental Bakeries (later renamed Hostess), when they were making cream-filled strawberry shortcakes.  An employee, James A. Dewar is the man credited with inventing the Twinkie.  Strawberries were out of season and the machine making the strawberry cream wasn’t being used, so Mr. Dewar (a member of the Food Hall of Fame), decided to use banana cream instead. But there were no bananas available because of the Depression, so he used vanilla cream instead.  And… Viola!  The Twinkie was born.

In the 1960s, with the threat of nuclear bombs, people stored Twinkies in their bomb shelters – because they stay fresh forever. They have a shelf life of 246 years. Today, with the potential for nuclear war, people are once again stockpiling Twinkies, especially in lieu of the new research done by Dr. Perricone.

First Lady Michelle Obama, who is leading the government’s Anti-Childhood Obesity drive, is now advocating that children eat “five servings of Twinkies a day.  That’s two-and-a-half packets.”  Michelle Obama then held a Deep-Fried Twinkie party in the garden behind the White House.  “Now, we don’t recommend you deep-fry anything, but when you deep-fry Twinkies they do retain all their vital nutrients.  So, fry away kids!”

For you Twinkie lovers, here is a list of the life-prolonging ingredients in Twinkies:

Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Flour, Reduced Iron, B Vitamins (Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (B1), Riboflavin (B2), Folic Acid)], Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Water, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening (Soybean, Cottonseed and/or Canola Oil, Beef Fat), Whole Eggs, Dextrose. Contains 2% or Less of: Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, Red 40.

A short history of the All-American dessert:

JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin has landed the cover of Portfolio’s April 2009 issue with a photo of her wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, and she is not pleased.

Joe McGinniss’ cover story, “Palin and Wildlife: The Cold Hard Truth”, focuses on her terrible track record when dealing with wildlife conservation. She has opposed strengthening protections for beluga whales and polar bears, and has encouraged the control of wolf populations through promoting bounties and aerial hunting.

But the most damning charges pertain to the treatment of Sasquatches in Alaska. As loyal Weekly World News readers may recall, Sarah Palin posed with a Bigfoot she shot dead from a helicopter.

Since then she has constantly battled with conservationists over placing them on the Endangered Species list. As a seemingly provocative move, Portfolio used a photo of Palin wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, possibly the skin of the creature she shot last year.

Palin spokesman Bill McAllister has already released a statement about the piece: “Show me one shred of truth for this accusation: ‘Palin has systematically targeted the Sasquatch population time and time again.’ Senator Palin’s first and foremost responsibility is to the citizens of Alaska. She must protect them and their livelihood from these creature.”

“If that means not bending over backwards for radical conversationists, then so be it. She is ready and willing to take on their criticism, when it is fair and factual.”

Ashley Judd, a recent foe of Palin, is already planning a new video with the World Cryptid Federation in order to bring Palin’s treatment of Sasquatches to light. Judd will shoot on location in Alaska, where she will be filmed handfeeding a pack of Sasquatches Twinkies to prove they are not dangerous.

CHICAGO, IL – In the latest issue of O Magazine, Oprah reveals that during years of struggling with rollercoaster weight gain/loss she had one consistent shoulder to lean on – Tonya’s!

As one of the most powerful women in the world and the most influential woman in American media and culture, Oprah’s battle with her weight has always been public on her show and in her magazine.

For the first time, Oprah reveals that Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, has been her behind-the-scenes support force all these years.

“People think that having a successful TV show and magazine means that you feel successful and are a happy person,” Oprah says in the article.  It’s not that simple.  Food is my Achilles’ heel and weight gain is my punishment.”

“Without Tonya by my side, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it all.  There were times when I wanted to fall off the wagon, I had lost 40 or 50 pounds and just wanted to eat a Twinkie.  10 Twinkies, actually.  Would Tonya let me eat those 10 Twinkies?  No, she wouldn’t.  She ate them herself.  Not because she’s fat.  Because that’s what a friend does.  They eat the Twinkie so you don’t.”

The article also reveals for the first time information regarding the years-long disappearance of Tonya in the late 1990s.

Oprah says, “Tonya supports me because she knows what its like to fluctuate dramatically in her weight.  She went on a diet once that resulted in her losing hundreds of pounds very quickly, making her look like just another normal house cat.  In her shame, she went into hiding and spent years binging to get her weight back up.”

“It was very hard on her, but I was there for her, feeding her my Twinkies, both real and metaphorically.”

LUXOR, EGYPT – A team of Archaeologists was attacked after removing an ancient marijuana stash from a priest’s tomb.

Fifteen days into an excavation led by Dr. Ellen Burnstein, her team removed a large bag of cannabis which had been interred with the head priest Neferatun.  The marijuana was considered sacred, and was used for divination.

That night, Dr. Burnstein and her team were attacked in their lab by a reanimated mummy.  Judging from the junk food in his hands and how long it took him to get there, it appears he stopped at a convenience store for snacks and got lost a few times on the way there.

After the six minutes the mummy spent caught in the door, he began moving towards the team and his sacred stash.  Several of the assistants and interns held the mummy off with Twinkies and a Phish double live album.  While it was occupied, Dr. Burnstein turned on a television in their break room then lured the mummy in with the leather satchel of cannabis.  The team was able to escape without injury.

“In my thirty plus years of archaeology, that was easily the slowest mummy I’ve ever seen.  Thankfully once the Yo Gabba Gabba show ended he just wandered off with his stash.”

Neferatun has since disappeared, but is believed to still be wandering the desert.