On May 5, 2012 the world will change as we know it.

The moon will be passing by for its closest visit in the past 790 years. Not only will the moon be passing by at a range of just under 225,000 miles but it will also be full.

Richard Nolle, certified professional astronomer and webmaster of astropro.com, is warning the masses that beginning on May 5 and continuing through May 11 there will be a SuperMoon risk window for the entire planet.

Nolle warns that during the SuperMoon risk window the world should expect several magnitude 5+ earthquakes, countless tsunamis, constant volcanic eruptions and werewolves to run wild. Nolle has teamed up with leading expert on the paranormal and supernatural, Rosemay Ellen Guiley in order to discover the connection between the SuperMoon and werewolves.

“Since the moon will be so close to earth, many new werewolves will come to life as the proximity of the moon to the earth affects the transformation of many werewolves,” explained Guiley, “Some werewolves never morph due to the normal distance between the earth and the moon. But the distance during this SuperMoon is of great concern.”

Twilight fans are pooping their pants with excitement over the sheer possibility that they might catch a glimpse of Jacob Black.

“Jacob is so hot!!,” said Giselle Ramirez, a teenage Hawaiian resident, “I don’t care if lava is coming right at me. If there is a chance that I can see Jacob, I’ll let my feet burn off.”

Some scientists believe that the recent volcanic eruptions in Hawaii are a result of the moon gradually passing by closer and closer leading up to the SuperMoon risk window. Nolle explains that this activity is a result of the lesser SuperMoon risk window that is currently taking place. There is grave concern for the well being of the inhabitants of Hawaii as the SuperMoon approaches. As a preventative measure, the U.S. is now initiating mandatory evacuation procedures for all of the Hawaiian Islands in order to prevent a catastrophe. A voluntary evacuation will be put into effect for southern California starting Wednesday of next week.

After you read this article you should immediately run to your closest supermarket and buy all the canned food, bottled water, batteries and silver bullets that you can get your hands on. This is going to be an apocalypse and it is a going to be a wolf dog eat wolf dog world so be prepared for the worst.

LOS ANGELES –  Dakota Fanning, who turns 18 on February 23rd, 2012, has reportedly done a photo spread for Playboy!

Ever since Dakota Fanning turned 16, and starred in Runaways,Hugh Hefner has been trying to sign her up to pose naked in Playboy after her 18th birthday.  Finally, with the approval of Dakota’s agents and Hollywood handlers, it’s a done deal – according to sources in Georgia.

The photos will be taken the day after her 18th birthday by Playboy’s top photographers, including Vlad Comito. The concept was approved by Hef himself, who says that Dakota’s photo spread,  was tasteful and will be appreciated by her fans of all ages.

The 85-year-old Playboy tycoon always thought the ‘I Am Sam’ star – who is even causing controversy with her Cosmo photo spread i – would be a hit with readers of the adult magazine after she turns 18.

Hannah Dakota Fanning was born on the 23rd of February 1994, in Conyers, Georgia, USA. Before her debut into the cinematic world, Dakota did her own acting around her house. She was very active for her age, and often put a blanket under her shirt and pretended to be having a baby, using her younger sister, Elle Fanning, who is also an actress now, as the baby. Dakota went to a playhouse near her home, where the children that attended put on a play every week to show to their parents. But the people running the playhouse noticed that Dakota stood out, and advised her parents, Joy and Steven Fanning, to take her to an agency.

Dakota has appeared in a number of films including:  I Am Sam, Taken, Sweet Home Alabama, Twilight, The Secret Lives of Bees.

Dakota and Kristen Stewart heated up the screen in The Runaways in 2010.  In film, Dakota played the lead singer, Cherie Currie.   Dakota snorts cocaine, has lesbian scenes, and generally was NOT the little girl fans had known her to be.

And now… it’s time for her Playboy moment.

Hefner told WWN,  “We are excited to have her appear in the magazine.  She’s a very pretty lady now.”

Hefner, who is having trouble remembering who he is lately,  an’t understand why some people are upset about Dakota appearing in the magazine.  “Every woman wants to appear in Playboy,”  said Playboy CEO Sandra Piccoli.  “To a lot of boys who grew up with Dakota, she was their fantasy girl.  And now, they get more to add to their fantasies.”

Playboy feels that the issue will be a smash success.  “If Dakota wants to pose naked, as an adult, she has the right to do so,” said Piccoli.

Hefner is not surprised that some Americans object to Dakota being in the magazine:  “I think it’s a reflection on how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”  Many parents have complained recently about Miley’s new videos which seem racy.  There’s going to be even more complaints when they see her Playboy photo-spread.  Miley has agreed to pose completely naked.

Hugh founded Playboy in 1953.  Insiders say the elderly Hef is losing some of his mental faculties because he’s started wearing suits, and shoes.

WWN can confirm that the rumors about there are men dressed as werewolves in the Dakota pictures for Playboy.   Rumors are that Sean Penn also appears in the background of the photos.  He’s dressed as Hugo Chavez.

Here’s Dakota in Runaways:

PEORIA  - The latest movie in the popular ‘Twilight’ franchise is reportedly triggering brain seizures in audiences across the country.

Tyler Zane and Rebecca Stephenson were watching “Breaking Dawn: Part One” at a theater Friday night when Tyler sudden began convulsing, screaming and vomiting during a graphic birthing scene.

Tyler said he doesn’t remember anything until he woke up on the theater floor, but Rebecca said he was, “convulsing, snorting, and yelling Kiss Me Kristen over and over again.”

“He scared me big time,” she added. Paramedics transported the man to the emergency room and the theater had to cancel the rest of the movie for that showing.  That caused a riot in the theatre, but at least everyone’s brain was safe.

Thousands of posts on internet movie sites show are reporting similar cases in which people have brain seizures during the same scene, which contains flashes of red, black and white.  Dr. Charles Osmond, the medical director of teen neurology at Tucson’s Brain Institute, said these reports indicate the scene may be triggering an episode of photosensitive epilepsy or Twilight-itis.

A similar reaction happened in the 1990s with the television show Pokémon, which triggered seizures in children (and parents).

What can parents do?  Don’t let them  teens go to Twilight movies?  ”Well, if they do go to the see movie, have them bring a tin foil hat.  Tin foil near the brain is effective in keeping it calm and cool.”

NOVOSIBIRSK – A vampire has been killing thousands of goats in Russia.

LOS ANGELES – David Duchovny wants to make a third X-Files movie and wants to take it in a new direction. The X-Files is going gay!

After making statements last year revealing that he would “go gay” for Woody Allen or any of the stars of Twilight, Duchovny has pitched his idea to X-Files director Chris Carter and co-star Gillian Anderson.

Duchovny wants to continue the basic story structure of the television series and previous films, but spice it up a bit. “It needs to move forward, get current, and get gay! Forget sci-fi! It’s all about bi-fi, baby!”

“All the decent television these days is centered on controversial situations. Weeds? Big Love? Even Californication. Agent Fox Mulder is smart and fresh. He stays on top of things. It makes perfect sense. Not to mention, his name is Fox. He’s practically begging for controversy!”

Duchovny continued, “You know, the last time around the X-Files film didn’t do very well in theaters. I love this franchise and I’ve given our next move a lot of thought. We all know my history, so it should come as no surprise. I’d like to sex things up!”

Duchovny was quick to deflect questions about how this new spin on the X-Files story would play out. “I don’t want to get into specifics just yet. Let’s just say that there is a new sheriff in town, and his pants are tight and his gun is cocked.”

It is still unclear at this time how the change would affect Gillian Anderson’s character, Agent Dana Scully. Rumors circulated during the airing of the original series that Scully may have gay tendencies, but she never openly explored any lesbian relationships. According to Duchovny, Agent Scully is due for a little experimentation.

A new Pew Research Poll reveals that 19% of American teens are vampires.
In a national  survey of those ages 12-17, conducted on landline and cell phones, the Pew Research Center’s American Life Project found:

* 24% of teens ages 12-17 say they have trouble sleeping at night
* 29% have panic attacks when they are out in the sun
* 18% smell like lavender
* 19% have fangs
* 39% have bedrooms painted black.

The Pew Research Center’s conclusion:  19% of all American teens are vampires.

With the vampire craze at full boil due to the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, many think that this vampire fixation is just a fad or trend.   But it’s not.

More teens today are, in fact, vampires.  Professor Chris Rigaux, Professor of Vampiric Studies at Harvard was not surprised by the findings.  “Vampires have lived among human beings for centuries.  Many vampires become dormant in their adult years, but when they are teens – they are fully evolved.  I think this study falls in line with my research.  More and more vampires are revealing themselves to the public.”

Most parents don’t mind that their teens are vampires.  “Whatever. I was a teen once.  If she wants to suck blood from boys (or girls), that’s up to her.  We used to suck on bongs.  It’s a generational thing,” said Missy Bonderson,41, of Asheville, North Carolina.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not alone,” said Casey Shotz, 15, of Minneapolis.  I know from birth that I was a vampire.  I had my first fang before I had my first tooth.”   Todd Larkin, 16, of Portland, Maine said, “I have a never-ending hunger that can’t be filled, no matter how much mortal food I consume.  I stay up until the sun rises and I hate going outside. Am I vampire? I don’t know, but will you let me suck on your neck?”

Some teens claim to be “super-vamps”.   Isabella Thompson, 14, of Reseda, CA told WWN, “garlic and silver have no effect on me.  I hate going out in the sun, and I hate doing religious things.”   Jessica Cox, 16, of Plano, TX said, “I never feel weak, scared, or drained. I’m really strong. When I see blood, something inside me just comes to life. I love meat, especially rare steak. I have never broken a bone, nor been injured severely at all, apart from some stitches and a cracked fang. “

What should parents do if their teen is a vampire?  “Leave them alone. Don’t go in their room.  Don’t upset them,” said Professor Rigaux.  “The best way for adults to handle this situation is let their teen vampires be teen vampires.”  Asked whether he thought vampires were a threat to the safety of Americans, Rigaux said, “Well, I’m a vampire myself, so I’d say no, we are not a threat at all. But if there’s a blood shortage, look out.”

Considering 1 in 5 teens are vampires, of course the other 4 in 5 are jealous and want to be part of the “in” crowd.  But they won’t ever be real vampires.  You have to be born a vampire.  So they are left with just trying to “look” like vampires.

Here a popular video on how to look like a vampire (for those teens that aren’t):

Are YOU a vampire?

Bella may prefer Edward to Jacob, but when it comes to Kristen Stewart, she’s Team Alien all the way.

In a recent interview with Weekly World News reporter, Tap Vann, Kristen revealed that she has always had an unusual connection to aliens – and now has several of them living her Beverly Hills home.  Vann suggested to Kristen that it might not be safe (or legal) for Kristen to keep aliens, but she said that she felt more comfortable with beings from other planets, than with people here on earth (particularly tabloid writers).  Kristen ran into the aliens at Club Space in South Beach, where they were literally dancing up a storm. All the aliens seem to be male – though it’s hard to tell because they don’t have bodies.

Many Twilight fans are scared that Kristen will be harmed by the aliens, but Kristen isn’t concerned at all. “Compared to werewolves and vampires, aliens are a lot nicer, a lot less violent and a lot funnier.  “They really know how to make a girl laugh!”  Just last week the aliens pulled a prank on Robert Pattinson – they abducted him, took him to the moon and “bothered” him until he stopped saying the word “bothered.”  Kristen was rolling on the floor laughing when they brought him back to earth.

Although the majority of Twilight fans are on Team Edward, and the rest on Team Jacob, Kristen feels strongly that Bella shouldn’t be with either one. “Bella should be on Team Alien, like me.”  Kristen went on to say that “Bella can attract the best-looking vampire and the best-looking werewolf in her high school and I know she could capture the attention of at least a few decent-looking humans as well, but what really would turn her on is hooking up with a couple of aliens, particularly red aliens without bodies.”

Kristen feels that it is ridiculous for girls to have only two choices: vampires or werewolves. Aliens are gentle, caring and they all have such big, beautiful eyes.  “And I like the fact that I don’t have to deal with a guy who sucks blood or who occasionally gets covered in gnarly hair and howls at the moon.  That’s boring to me.”

Kristen’s four aliens – Ethu, Orsi, Lhuc and Xip – are with her at all times and are looking forward to being on the set of her new movie, “On The Road,”  based on the Jack Kerouac novel.   Ethu said  he was a beatnik at heart and remembers playing bongos with Ken Kesey at Area 51 back in 1959.

There are persistent rumors that Kristen is in a romantic relationship with Robert Pattinson.  His publicist won’t confirm or deny the relationship, but she did say that ever since R-Patz  learned about the four aliens living in Kristen’s house, he has become insanely jealous and… bothered.

Weekly World News has confirmed that Ethu, Orsi, Lhuc and Xip will each have cameos in the final installment of the Twilight saga.

PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL – Gangs are springing up in Wal-Marts around the country, but shoppers continue to risk it in search of good deals.

Gangs have recently been discovered which operate entirely within Wal-Mart stores.  They have been seen attacking shoppers; taking their unpurchased items, stealing the wheels off their carts, or spray-painting their tags on customers. A few brave souls have sent warnings via text message or email to friends and family.

Henry Devino, a Massachusetts contractor, was assaulted just last week.  After turning the corner into the wrong aisle, Mr. Devino was attacked.  He was later found in the fabric section, caulked to a wall with Spongebob underpants over his eyes ($3.99) and bruises in the shape of a Tottino’s hard salami ($2.99).

“It was scary, but I’ll probably be coming back.  In times like this, how can you say no to those prices?”

In places like Port Saint Lucie, Florida, Burlington, Vermont, and Stamford, Connecticut, shoppers are on high alert.  Greeters in some stores have begun handing out Kevlar vests to women and children entering the store.

The gangs are believed to have originated with children and the elderly who became lost in the superstores and forgotten.  Banding together for protection, they grew up and learned to survive in the tough aisles of Wal-Mart.

Given the massive size of most Wal-Mart superstores, the gangs are able to easily evade detection for weeks at a time.

A special Wal-Mart police force was called in at one store, resulting in a shoot-out in the linen section which claimed four lives and tens of dollars in ruined merchandise.

Police are issuing warnings of the Wal-Mart Gang initiation: the Big Rollback.  The initiation involves a stolen chainsaw, riding lawnmower and several gallons of vegetable oil.  After cutting a couch in half the initiate will do donuts in the riding lawn mower on an oil slicked floor, before disappearing back into the superstore.

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Whether he’s a fan of the books or just trying to make friends, Bat Boy was spotted waiting in line to meet the star of the upcoming film “Twilight”.

Robert Pattinson appeared at the King Prussia mall today to meet fans and sign memorabilia. His film is based on a popular book series that revolves around a love affair between a vampire boy and his high school human sweetheart.

Scientists are wondering if Bat Boy may be hitting that age where he is interested in romance.  Recently he was seen trying to find similar bat-people, so some are questioning why he was at the signing. Was he just confused by Pattinson’s bat-boy-like state in the film, or was he taken in by the books adolescent love story?

In any event, Bat Boy waited in line for eight hours to meet the actor.  Approaching the star, Bay Boy squeaked shyly, handing Pattinson a damp and slightly chewed copy of the book.  Patterson signed the book awkwardly and asked if he liked vampire stories, to which Bat Boy froze in fear then grabbed his book and ran away.

Bay Boy hid in the Old Navy accessory department crying, presumably angry at himself for getting so nervous.  Shortly thereafter he was approached by a group of girls his age who were fascinated in his vampire-like appearance.

The group was later seen in the food court, introducing Bat Boy to the A&W Root Beer Float.  Bat Boy spat it out and led the tweens outside to help him find his usual snack, mosquitoes.