LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!

Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish,  who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.

The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish:  that is half-human, half-fish.   He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night.  The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.  The photographs in this article are from the 1950s.

“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”

“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now.  We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof.  We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”

The Dracula Fish is six feet tall, weighs 180 pounds.  His head is large – about 15 inches high and about 24 inches around. The fish head looks harmless and sweet when its mouth is closed, but it has fangs on both the top and bottom of its jaw.  The teeth are very sharp.

The Dracula Fish comes into London at night and then takes a train back to the sea for the morning.  He sleeps in a coffin at the bottom of the sea.  Here’s a close-up picture of the Dracula Fish in its coffin in 1955.

And here is a picture that was taken by the Navy scuba-divers last week:

Women are advised to stay far away from the Dracula Fish.  “The danger is that the Dracula Fish is quite charming.  Even though he has a fish head, women seemed to be drawn to him,” said Frax.

“He was a real gentleman.  The nicest man I’ve met in years,”  said Fiona Koch, who was bitten several times by the Dracula Fish on October 5th.  “I thought he was going to kiss me, actually I was hoping he was going to kiss me and then… he bit me.  It was terrifying, but I did love it in a way.”

“That’s the danger,” said Frax.  “Women fall for his charm and then are bitten.  It’s very dangerous.”

Women who are bitten do NOT turn into a vampire or a fish.  They just suffer from headaches and depression for several months.  “He puts a spell on them.  Often after they are bitten, they go back to Hyde Park looking for him.”‘

Women, please, if you see the Dracula Fish, do not approach… there are other fish in the sea.

LIMA – Rabid vampire bats are swarming over Lima!

Vampire Bats, by the thousands, have been flying out of the Amazon and swarming all over Peru!

Many Peruvians are hiding indoors at night, afraid that they will be attacked.

Francisco Borlano, a doctor, said there has been a rabies outbreak because of the vampire bats and it has been going on for months.  “We’re on the verge of a major rabies outbreak,” said Borlano.

“These bats feed at night, and since they do not find large animals they bite unprotected people,” Borlano was quoted as saying by the paper.  “And they particularly like young women wearing tight skirts.”

“We are worried about the teenage girls more than anyone else,” said Alejandro Neva, a representative for the Peruvian government.  “They are obsessed with vampires and they think that they are not dangerous.  Some even think they will turn into beautiful young men.”

Authorities are worried that many across Peru will become ill and some may die.  “I cannot discount the death toll mounting, because unfortunately we cannot get them the vaccines quickly enough because the communities are so remote,” Borlano added.

The communities of Wampis and Awajun in Condorcanqui province, near Ecuador, have been affected the most.

Borlano said there were reports that 33,500 people had been bitten by vampire bats in the last three weeks.  Twenty people have died.

It takes 15 hours traveling along rivers by boat for medical teams to reach the remote villages, the newspaper said.

Bat Boy was unavailable for comment as he was promoting his new book… Going Mutant, which if you are not being bitten by a bat can be purchased at … www.buybatboy.com

A new Pew Research Poll reveals that 19% of American teens are vampires.
In a national  survey of those ages 12-17, conducted on landline and cell phones, the Pew Research Center’s American Life Project found:

* 24% of teens ages 12-17 say they have trouble sleeping at night
* 29% have panic attacks when they are out in the sun
* 18% smell like lavender
* 19% have fangs
* 39% have bedrooms painted black.

The Pew Research Center’s conclusion:  19% of all American teens are vampires.

With the vampire craze at full boil due to the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, many think that this vampire fixation is just a fad or trend.   But it’s not.

More teens today are, in fact, vampires.  Professor Chris Rigaux, Professor of Vampiric Studies at Harvard was not surprised by the findings.  “Vampires have lived among human beings for centuries.  Many vampires become dormant in their adult years, but when they are teens – they are fully evolved.  I think this study falls in line with my research.  More and more vampires are revealing themselves to the public.”

Most parents don’t mind that their teens are vampires.  “Whatever. I was a teen once.  If she wants to suck blood from boys (or girls), that’s up to her.  We used to suck on bongs.  It’s a generational thing,” said Missy Bonderson,41, of Asheville, North Carolina.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not alone,” said Casey Shotz, 15, of Minneapolis.  I know from birth that I was a vampire.  I had my first fang before I had my first tooth.”   Todd Larkin, 16, of Portland, Maine said, “I have a never-ending hunger that can’t be filled, no matter how much mortal food I consume.  I stay up until the sun rises and I hate going outside. Am I vampire? I don’t know, but will you let me suck on your neck?”

Some teens claim to be “super-vamps”.   Isabella Thompson, 14, of Reseda, CA told WWN, “garlic and silver have no effect on me.  I hate going out in the sun, and I hate doing religious things.”   Jessica Cox, 16, of Plano, TX said, “I never feel weak, scared, or drained. I’m really strong. When I see blood, something inside me just comes to life. I love meat, especially rare steak. I have never broken a bone, nor been injured severely at all, apart from some stitches and a cracked fang. “

What should parents do if their teen is a vampire?  “Leave them alone. Don’t go in their room.  Don’t upset them,” said Professor Rigaux.  “The best way for adults to handle this situation is let their teen vampires be teen vampires.”  Asked whether he thought vampires were a threat to the safety of Americans, Rigaux said, “Well, I’m a vampire myself, so I’d say no, we are not a threat at all. But if there’s a blood shortage, look out.”

Considering 1 in 5 teens are vampires, of course the other 4 in 5 are jealous and want to be part of the “in” crowd.  But they won’t ever be real vampires.  You have to be born a vampire.  So they are left with just trying to “look” like vampires.

Here a popular video on how to look like a vampire (for those teens that aren’t):

Are YOU a vampire?

ROCKWOOD, TN – A Tennessee teenager is seeking help after he began crying blood!

Calvino Inman was your everyday 15 year old boy, until one day he noticed something strange coming out of his eyes. Realizing it was blood, his mother immediately took him to a hospital, but the doctors had no idea how to stop it.

Since then, Inman has “cried” blood at least three times a day, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to an hour. “Sometimes, I can feel it coming up, like a tear. I feel my eyes watering,” said Inman. “Sometimes, it will burn as it comes out.”

His friends have called him possessed, but currently there seems to be no other rational explanation. His mother has taken him to several specialists, but none have been able to offer a diagnosis or cure.

True Blood, a current HBO show, features vampires who also cry blood. However, Inman’s problem is very real.

Take a look at a recent interview with Inman, which features footage of him crying:

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.