WASHINGTON – US forced to sell Alaska in order to combat with the rising national debt.

The US has just announced that the national debt has reached an all time high, topping $14 trillion dollars, that’s approximately $45,300 for every person in the US. The national debt is a result of the US accumulating years upon years of financial obligations dating as far back as the days of George Washington. But since 2005 alone, the debt has nearly doubled.

In order to combat the continued rising debt, Congress has been put in the hot seat, being forced to make difficult decisions. It is faced with a few potential options. One, Congress can lift the legal debt limit to create a higher credit limit for the country; Two, dramatically cut spending to keep the government on track and prevent the debt from growing further; or Three, sell government owned properties.

After an intense debate on Capitol Hill, Congress decided to go with option number three and sell Alaska back to Russia. The US purchased Alaska from the Russian Empire back in 1867 for the now bargain rate of $7.2 million dollars.

Original Check from US purchase of Alaska

“The Russians offered to write us a personal check, but that was unacceptable to the terms of the deal,” said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, “This is a COD kind of deal.”

The US stands to turn a hefty profit with the new sale price of $2.85 trillion.  This sale will dramatically reduce the debt, buying the US precious time to rework the budget and find a way to keep the rising debt at bay.

“We initially thought that leasing the state back to the Russians would be an option but we soon discovered that the cost to administer the lease would actually cause us to go further into debt,” explained Sen. Lisa Murkoski R-AK, “That is why we opted to sell it instead. We tried to sell Puerto Rico too but no one wanted it. We had several open houses but no bites, not a one.”

This decision has not been met without extreme outrage by the American public, especially by the citizens of Alaska.

“Just because Sara Palin is from Alaska does not mean that we should be treated like a second class state that can just be sold off on a whim,” said local Alaskan business owner, Bill Kumberlan, “this sale is going to make my life a nightmare, no one on my staff speaks Russian.”

It is unclear what other drastic measures Congress may need to take in order to deal with America’s enormous debt. But if Canada wants to make an offer on Vermont, we will gladly take it.  They’ve always wanted to succeed anyway.

WASHINGTON, DC – Charles Freeman has withdrawn from consideration as National Intelligence Chair.  Another appointee is claimed by the Obama Curse.

Freeman has faced great opposition to being considered as Chairman of the National Intelligence Committee, usually in regards to his criticism of Israel’s policies.  However it wasn’t until a recent string of bad luck-a flat tire, his cat ran away, and his grandmother absconded to Tahiti with the bulk of his checking account-that he decided to withdraw his consideration for the position.

Since December nearly a dozen major and minor Obama appointees have backed out from their assignments, believing their positions to have a curse on them.  Poor luck and bad publicity have befallen many of those picked for appointment by President Obama.

Ever since Bill Richardson refused to shake the hand of an old gypsy woman in New Haven, Connecticut, the position has been said to have a curse on it.  At first believed to only be the Treasury Secretary, the curse has since spread to many of Obama’s cabinet and political appointee positions.

A spokesperson for Richardson said “He never refused to shake anyone’s hand.  There were a lot of people there that day, and he just didn’t have time for everyone.”

Fox News has held a weekly effigy burning in the courtyard of their headquarters since the story broke.  Despite their best efforts to fuel the curse, most agree the effigies accomplish nothing except making them feel better.  Glen Beck has several administration voodoo dolls: Rahm Emanuel, Tim Geithner, and Hillary Clinton to name a few, using Internet flash polls to determine where to put the pins.

Whether the curse will need to be lifted or eventually wear off is still unknown in Washington.  Several mystics and Houdon’s have been contacted by the White House but no official statement has been given yet.

Charles “Chas” Freeman is looking forward to a quieter life, and putting this curse business behind him.