As New York was celebrating after Knicks player Jeremy Lin sunk a game-winning 3-pointer against the Toronto Raptors Tuesday night,  a man with “Linsanity” was committing a robbery in Queens.

“Linsanity,” the popular phrase coined amid Lin’s highly praised performance during the team’s 6-game winning streak, is certainly a real thing, according to 36-year-old Bryan Hazer. Hazer is accused of walking into the popular restaurant Larry’s and demanding cash at gunpoint. According to Hazer’s lawyers, he was unaware of what he was doing, as Lin’s fateful shot with less than a second to go made Hazer “snap.”

“After screaming for the cash, he kept on mumbling things about the game to himself,” said one bystander, who asked not to be named. “He kept on saying stuff like ‘27 points’ and ‘11 assists … a career high.’ It was weird.”

While Linsanity has not been recognized by medical professionals as anything but a harmless phrase, Hazer’s lawyers plan to present a strong case for its dangers and potential impact on sports fans. A
statement by the lawyers was released soon after Hazer’s arrest.

“It was tied at 87,” the statement said. “No one thought he would just go for the three. It was Linsane, and we believe our client is not responsible for his actions due to these circumstances. Mr. Hazer is
an upstanding young man with a bright future, and it would be a shame for something out of his control to ruin his life.”

Hazer, a dock worker and lifelong Knicks fan, has shown no previous inclination toward crime, according to friends. Best friend and confidant Greg Curtis stands by Hazer.

“Look, this isn’t [Bryan’s] fault,” Curtis said. “This whole thing is affecting all of us. Just earlier, I was feeling some major Lindigestion. It’s terrifying.”

TORONTO, CANADA – Thousands of proud but recently fired investment bankers are flooding into Mexico and Canada in a desperate bid to find steady work and job security that are no longer available in the U.S.!

A spokesman for the U.S. Border Patrol says an astonishing 500 to 1,000 citizens are crossing our Northern and Southern borders every day, some with the help of smugglers who charge up to $10,000 a pop to pack them in refrigerator boxes or roll them up in carpets and sneak them over in trucks.

Mexican border patrol officers are now working around the clock to stop this new influx of American immigrants.

“They used to try to stop us from heading over there, but now they want to come over here,” says one member of the Mexican policia whose squad lines up to stop flow of briefcase-carrying freeloaders.

“They make fun of us and don’t want us over there,” he says. “Well, we don’t want them over here either!”

“I grew up in America and I love my country, but Lord knows, I have to make a living,” Peter Starmeyer, 38, says from the makeshift plywood and cardboard shanty he now calls home on Toronto’s increasingly seedy west side.

“When Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy and I lost my job, I had no other choice. The only way for me to keep living the American dream was to move to Canada where businesses value and respect workers and try to help them hold on to their jobs.”

When asked where he is working now, he pointed at a brothel across the dock. “With my investment advice, Madame Cherry will be able to expand her business in no time!”, he proclaimed with a proud smile.

Montreal, looks like you’ll be seeing Cherry’s Orchard 2 soon!