KENSINGTON, ENGLAND -  A pack of feral cats is terrorizing a neighborhood.  Fifteen people have been killed by the cats!

The town of Kennington, England is in a state of utter panic.  They are being terrorized by a pack of  feral cat who attack whenever citizens step into their backyards.  Citizens have stopped going into their backyard gardens, and worry every time they step out their doors.

“They’re everywhere.  When I look out my kitchen window, I see them pacing.  They’re just waiting for me to walk outside, so they can kill me,” said Ian Blackmon.

In the last week, the cats have killed fifteen residents.  The feral cats usually attack one person together.  They claw the person, then bite the person in the neck – killing him instantly.

Even though guns are illegal in Kensington,  many citizens are arming themselves. “We are under attack, we have to fight back somehow,” said Lilly Waters.   Her husband Liam, bought a shotgun and has been in the backyard waiting to “blow away” the cats.

One citizen, Patti Taylor escaped and is in a local hospital in a cat coma.  She has three-inch deep wounds on her legs, arms and head.

The cat are all different types.  The one trait they have in common – they are nasty and vicious.  Dogs are afraid of them too, but the cats have not attacked them – yet.

NEW YORK, NY – New discoveries by scientists have shaken up the animal kingdom – and one of WWN’s own!

The first discovery comes out of the university of California at Berkeley. Some male frogs have developed female reproductive systems and the ability to lay eggs when exposed to a weed-killer chemical. The study was published Monday and in it scientists concluded that the herbicide atrazine has a severe effect on male fringes. According to them it causes male frogs to become “so completely female that they can mate and lay viable eggs.” This study has the potential to raise questions as to what qualifies as a safe chemical.

The second discovery comes to us courtesy of the University of Michigan and one of its professors, Jeffrey Wilson. His team of scientists discovered a macabre death scene that took place 67 million years ago. The scene contained a dinosaur just hatched from an egg and an 11-foot snake ready to devour it. The scene was preserved by a sudden avalanche and fossilized for scientists to discover. The snake was ready to devour a baby sauropod, which were the biggest dinosaurs to roam the earth.

The last discovery has perhaps caused the most buzz – to one particular individual of Weekly World News family. The discovery comes to us from Russia in which Lubya, a baby wooly mammoth, was discovered. Lubya was preserved for 42,000 years in “frigid Siberian river muck.” Lubya was preserved so perfectly that even her baby fat remained intact.

Tonya, the world’s fattest cat, has heard of this finding and has assumed that this is the discovery of the world’s fattest wooly mammoth. When you reach such sizes of mass and girth, you are automatically bestowed a “world’s fattest” radar. Well her radar must be malfunctioning because this is a case of a baby wooly mammoth and not a grown adult.

Tonya has not been able to be reached for comment. There is no doubt that she is on the move to find this “world’s fattest wooly mammoth” in Russia and find someone to make her happy. It’s too bad she can’t be reached because Lubya is not in Russia but is actually on loan to Chicago’s Field Museum.

NEW YORK, NY – Fashion retailer Forever 21 debuted a new line of clothing for plus-sized women, along with the lines’ special consultant: Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat!

Forever 21, known throughout the fashion world for its high style at low prices, decided to expand its repertoire into the plus sized market after being contacted by Tonya herself.

“We are rather ashamed to admit that we never really considered plus-sizes before,” Forever 21 founder Do-Won Chang told reporters at following a runway show of the line.  “When we started the company in the 80′s, everyone was only making fashionable clothing for skinny people.  We didn’t think heavier people were interested in looking good.”

“Tonya showed us the error of our thinking.  And now, I would like to introduce to you, Forever 21′s plus-sized line – Faith 21!”

Always a fan of high fashion, and a trendsetter in the fashion world herself, Tonya was reportedly disappointed at not being able to fit into a leopard print cardigan with matching skort she saw at the Union Square location of Forever 21 while on a shopping spree for Spring fashions.

“Tonya loves a good cardigan-skort combo,” said her spokeswoman at the debut event.  “She was heartbroken when she realized there wasn’t a single plus-sized item in the entire store.”

“She immediately abandoned the rest of the shopping itinerary and dictated a strong-worded e-mail of disappointment to Forever 21.”

The letter must have struck a chord within Forever 21 because within a matter of days, Susan De La Fontaine Delacroix, head designer and visionary for the company, personally contacted Tonya.

“Her letter was very inspiring, not only emotionally but creatively,” Delacroix told the crowd prior to the runway show.  “I immediately started sketching, designing, and sewing.  Many of those initial creations you are about to see today.”

“That was the first step, the next was to get Tonya on board.  She was already my muse, but I needed her to be the face of Faith 21.”

Delacroix is so confidant in Tonya’s ability as the line’s exclusive spokeswoman, she believes the fashion world is about to be turned on its head.

“These clothes are so hot, and Tonya is so hot in these clothes, I know that skinny girls are going to try to put on some extra pounds so they can fit into Faith 21.  Because Faith 21 is exclusive.  We are not making mini-versions for the regular line, and not just making jumbo versions of the regular Forever 21 line for Faith 21.  Its completely different.”

“Mark my words.  By this time next year, every model walking down the runway will be Tonya-sized.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – During a tumultuous weekend, starlet Lindsay Lohan let loose a torrent of anger on her Twitter account. What caused this outburst? Ronson has gone astray!

Last week, the LA police department issued an arrest warrant for Lohan, stemming from a 2007 arrest for a DUI and hit-and-run. She also got into a vicious fight with her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, Saturday afternoon, while a crowd of paparazzi and cops sat outside.

Very early that morning,  a “tweet” on Lohan’s Twitter account, stated the following confusing message:

should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don’t know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-f***ing-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE F***ING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY

What triggered this breakdown? Weekly World News sources have now confirmed that Ronson was spotted at her DJ gig that same evening, getting frisky with Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat!

A close friend said, “Word got back to Lindsay pretty quickly about Sam’s new ‘acquaintance’. She went ballistic! She spends so much time dieting and watching her weight, and then Sam turns around and starts eyeing up big girls?”

Tonya is well-known for being addicted to the spotlight. She has romanced Ricky Gervais and Daniel Craig, appeared on “Deal or No Deal” and “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, and even leant support to big girls Oprah and Jessica Simpson. But stealing another woman’s woman? “This is an all new low for Tonya,” said the source.

Ronson had reportedly promised Tonya that she would DJ the Meow Mix Benefit for Feline Obesity, but it’s doubtful Lohan will let her off the short leash any time soon.

All these bailouts and whatnot have got me as mixed up as a high-class hooker at a Motel 6!

Now that I’m back in the saddle here at Weekly World News, fighting for all that’s right and good and decent, some of you keep sending me stuff to write about.

Yesterday, I got a message on my computer machine that said: “FAT CATS GRILLED!”

I just about snorted Dr. Pepper all over my desk. I know times are tough, but even in the Great Depression of blessed memory, we never broke down and fried up our beloved furry pets! Number one, that’s Chinese Communism at its worst! And number two, cat meat’s too damn stringy. And I do love our pal Tonya here, the World’s Fattest Cat. Heck, she’s one of the hardest workers on our staff!

So my grandson helped me figure out what to do with this message I got. This moving picture came up on the screen and it turns out the “Fat Cat” was some big shot banker and the “grilled” part was this lady Senator yelling at him at some big Washington meeting. Ha ha.

Now, Mrs. Cosby or Wheezie or Maxine Nightingale or whoever she is, I didn’t understand a thing she was asking this guy, something about why the banks charge you all those fees to take out your own money.

I was so relieved when it was finally the banker guy’s turn to speak and he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Thought old Ed was finally going senile there for a second.

Anyhow: everybody at this meeting looked like an idiot. But what else is new? Washington, DC was built on a swamp by a Frenchman. When you start off like that, you’d best expect the worst.

CHICAGO, IL – In the latest issue of O Magazine, Oprah reveals that during years of struggling with rollercoaster weight gain/loss she had one consistent shoulder to lean on – Tonya’s!

As one of the most powerful women in the world and the most influential woman in American media and culture, Oprah’s battle with her weight has always been public on her show and in her magazine.

For the first time, Oprah reveals that Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, has been her behind-the-scenes support force all these years.

“People think that having a successful TV show and magazine means that you feel successful and are a happy person,” Oprah says in the article.  It’s not that simple.  Food is my Achilles’ heel and weight gain is my punishment.”

“Without Tonya by my side, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it all.  There were times when I wanted to fall off the wagon, I had lost 40 or 50 pounds and just wanted to eat a Twinkie.  10 Twinkies, actually.  Would Tonya let me eat those 10 Twinkies?  No, she wouldn’t.  She ate them herself.  Not because she’s fat.  Because that’s what a friend does.  They eat the Twinkie so you don’t.”

The article also reveals for the first time information regarding the years-long disappearance of Tonya in the late 1990s.

Oprah says, “Tonya supports me because she knows what its like to fluctuate dramatically in her weight.  She went on a diet once that resulted in her losing hundreds of pounds very quickly, making her look like just another normal house cat.  In her shame, she went into hiding and spent years binging to get her weight back up.”

“It was very hard on her, but I was there for her, feeding her my Twinkies, both real and metaphorically.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the hit reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, have added one supersized mouth to their family this holiday season: Tonya!

The parents of eight children, 7-year-old twin girls and 4 year-old sextuplets, caved to the increasing pressure of their children to adopt a pet.  Originally expecting to get a medium to large sized dog, the Gosselin’s changed their plans after being introduced to Tonya at a summit for reality TV show stars.

“Jon looked over and saw Tonya being interviewed by at least 6 different reporters at one time,” Kate said in a press release, “he immediately knew that if she could handle that many members of the press, she could totally deal with eight screaming, grabby children.”

When asked about their decision to adopt a giant cat instead of a dog, Jon told reporters, “We hadn’t considered a cat originally.  Size was very important to us.  Having eight kids, we knew we wanted an animal that all of them could pay attention to at the same time.  The problem with a cat or rabbit or small dog is that only one kid could hold it or pet it.  With Tonya, that isn’t going to be a problem.  When she lays on her back, all six of the little kids can lay on Tonya with room to spare.”

Longtime fans of Tonya’s who have followed her recent performances on Top Chef and Biggest Loser, were surprised to hear that she is taking a break from reality competitions to guest star on the much tamer TLC show.

Through her spokesperson, Tonya responded, “If you have ever seen the program, you know that Kate knows how to cook big meals.  And we all know Tonya loves big meals.  She also loves a challenge.  And being manhandled by 16 little sticky hands just might be the most challenging thing Tonya has ever done.”

Rumors that Tonya is actually only interested in eating the young Gosselin children have been widely disputed.  Both Tonya’s representation and TLC have promised defamation of character lawsuits to “anyone who continues to spread such vile accusations.”

STAMFORD, CT – Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, debuted a new entrée just in time for Thanksgiving. Tonya co-hosted the Martha Stewart Thanksgiving Special with the world-renowned homemaker and chef earlier this week, and made a culinary surprise.

Turbaconducken, the next stage in entrée meat fusion, combines the Thanksgiving favorite turducken with delicious bacon.  Turducken, a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey is then wrapped entirely in bacon.

“Up until yesterday, I thought turducken was the perfect Thanksgiving entrée,” Stewart said during the program.  “It just goes to show that even after being a homemaker for over 50 years, a fat cat can still teach this old dog new tricks.”

Samples of the turbaconducken were a huge success with the audience members in attendance at the taping, although there was not much to go around.

Shortly after the turbaconducken came out of the oven, Tonya became noticeably agitated and excited.

“She began purring incessantly and rubbed her face against the counter top,” Producer Jason Grefth said.  “Before Martha could react and save the turbaconducken, Tonya unhinged her jaw and swallowed the 40 pound entrée whole.”

Producers managed to pull a bacon-covered leg from Tonya’s mouth before she had a chance to swallow.

Audience members fought over pieces of the drool-glazed, bacon encrusted leg.

NEW YORK, NY – Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, continues her successful string of reality TV appearances by starring on the hit cooking competition show, Top Chef.

Now in its fifth season, the ratings giant moved to New York City, featuring 17 up-and-coming chefs from around the world.  Tonya is the only feline competitor.

“I was a little skeptical at first,” host and judge Padma Lakshmi said in the season’s first episode.  “But once I tried her Tuna Tartar on bed of baby mixed greens with a side of haricot vert with a light raspberry-garlic glaze, I was sold.  She is a big talent, so to speak.”

Viewers tuning in to see Tonya’s signature appetite have so far been disappointed.

“We were a little nervous about how Tonya might react in a kitchen full of the freshest meats and vegetables and some of the rarest spices in the world,” Lakshmi told fans on her blog.

The season has nearly completed filming, although only airing a few episodes so far, producers are mum about how far Tonya progresses in the competition.

“You’ll just have to keep tuning in.  I can promise you that eventually, the dramatics will match Tonya in size and girth.”

NEW YORK, NY – Despite her girth, the World’s Fattest Cat was able to sneak into the “Quantum of Solace” premiere in Manhattan.

Tonya, the World’s Fattest (and dare we say, most beloved) Cat, gate-crashed the American premiere of the new James Bond film, “Quantum of Solace”.

Publicists are still unsure how she got in, but she may have only used that famous charm. As any gossip column reader would know, many a security guard has fallen for her allure.

Tonya was even so bold as to sashay down the red carpet in a new custom-fitted ensemble! Her 300 pound heft makes it difficult for her to buy clothing, however, after her rise to C-level stardom through reality show appearances, designers are beginning to take notice.

The film’s star Daniel Craig also took notice, and soon sidled up for a chat. Unfortunately, Tonya coughed up the World’s Biggest Hairball onto his shoes. He merely smiled, wiped them on the red carpet, and took her paw to escort her into the theater. She’s still got it!