The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

Hottest Republican Nominee Spouse: J-Train Makes His Endorsement
You may not know this but in addition to being a Dating Advice Expert, I’m also someone who follows the political game VERY closely. The direction of this country matters to me, and I refuse to just throw a vote out unless I’ve studied every candidate intently.  I’ve even created a foolproof mathematical system to determine the best possible candidate in any given election year:

Hotness of Candidate’s Wife + Sexiness of Candidate’s Wife  = J-Train’s Vote

Think of all the great leaders this country has had: Washington, Lincoln, both Roosevelts, JFK.  Now think of their wives; fine pieces of tail, every one on them.  Not to mention we have to spend four years looking at this person on TV- thank God Barbara Bush hit the scene before I went through puberty. Since those dark days, we’ve actually been on a nice run. Hillary’s pantsuits always did it for me, Laura Bush was a complete babe, and Michelle Obama barely edged out Mrs. McCain during what I call my “Brown Period”. So when it comes time to cast my vote in 2012, I want it to be a competitive battle between the beautiful Michelle and the best Filly in the conservative race. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of my top five Republican Candidates (based on the hotness of their wife); with the number one spot being the ever coveted “J-Train Republican Endorsement”:

5. Carol Paul (Ron Paul’s Wife) - Ron Paul is known as “Dr. No” since he is in fact a Doctor and a politician known for voting against a lot of legislation. You know what Dr. Ron didn’t say no to? Carol’s subtle sophistication and class. She looks like that hot, experienced Grandma next door that’ll teach you the finer points of how to please a real woman while a pie cools on the windowsill. We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, want Carol Paul to rock our man-thoughts. She gets my endorsement for GILF; but this is a stacked field.

4. Gloria Cain (Herman Cain’s Wife) – Here’s what I like about Gloria  - she’s sassy. She tells you what’s on her mind and doesn’t care what you think. She say’s things like: “Nahh Uhhh, ain’t no man gonna make you!”, and “You got that right!”, and “sukki sukki now” after someone says something awesome. I also loved her when she played Carl’s Wife on ‘Family Matters’ so that may be why she got such a high spot on this list.

3. Todd Palin (Sarah Palin’s Husband) - As we all know, J-Train loves him some ladies. Here’s what you may not know about the Train, he can understand a man’s beauty. If there’s one thing that Todd Palin is, it’s a beautiful man. This is a guy who can kill a bear with his bare hands and then ride his snowmobile across the Alaskan wilderness – slamming Boone’s Farm the whole time – to manage a BP oil company. That’s a man and one I can endorse for “first husband”. I also fully support goatees.  The reason he only ranks at number three is because we are still waiting for Sarah to fully toss her heels into the ring.

2. Anne Romney (et al) (Mitt Romney’s Wives) – This was tough because Anne is a stone cold fox; she could clearly be number one on this list and secure my endorsement. What’s even more amazing is that she’s a Mormon, which means there could be ten more Annes that Mitt has waiting back at the house. I’m imagining these wild sexy parties with Mitt chasing all these girls around his house with his shirt off as they giggle and he pounds scotch. But, in reality, I own the ‘Big Love’ DVDs and I’ve seen how this drama plays out – less sex, more nag, and all those kids really cramp a Mormon’s style.

1. Callista Gingrich (Newt Gingrich’s Wife) - Callista is young, hot, and on her game but that isn’t the only reason she wins my endorsement; she wins because of Newt. He’s a stone cold lady-killer. He left his first wife while she had cancer and then cheated on his second wife with his congressional aide (and his now current wife). He sees something that might slow him down, like, you know, life-shattering diseases or menopause and, boom, he’s gone and onto the next. What a player.  If Callista so much as catches a cold Newt will drop her and a younger even hotter version of Calista will take her place (hopefully). Vote for Newt and we’re guaranteed hotness for four years, whether it’s his wife or his mistress. I know I will.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

JUNEAU, ALASKA –   Sarah Palin is a robot and she/it malfunctioned during her new reality show!

After Sarah Palin short circuited on the set of her new TV show, TLC officials are confirming that the popular Tea Party politician and Republican Presidential hopeful is actually a robot!

Network executives are may have to push back the last six episodes of  Sarah Palin’s Alaska after its star suffered a serious software malfunction during filming.

“At first I thought she was just being weird Sarah Palin again,” said Andy Masterson, a cameraman for Sarah Palin’s Alaska, “but then I noticed smoke was coming out of her ears and her eyeballs were dangling out of her head. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”

Several Republican leaders have now come forth with admissions that Sarah Palin is indeed a robot, designed and programmed by the Microsoft Corporation to win the presidential election in 2012.

“The Republican Party apologizes to the TLC network for any harm that might have been caused by the Palin-bot” said Republican House minority leader John Boehner. “To be honest, we had no idea what we were doing when we built her. We just wanted something pretty around the office.”

According to first hand accounts, the malfunction was caused when Rob Rigelson, a tech assistant on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, accidentally inserted his cell-phone’s memory card into Sarah Palin’s central processing center, which happens to be in her butt.

“Oh man, this is all my fault,” said Rigelson. “I was just trying to download naked TSA scans of my ex-girlfriend and my SD card ran out of memory. There was an extra microchip laying around in Sarah Palin’s dressing room, so I swiped it. I didn’t know it was her artificial brain!”

When it came time to film one of Sarah Palin’s scenes, the set technicians accidentally put Rigelson’s chip into Palin’s butt. That’s when the short circuit occurred.

TLC executives then had to call Bill Gates, the head of Microsoft and chief programmer of the Palin-bot, to fly up to Alaska and “fix the problem.” Weekly World News photographers were there to capture the moment:

This is not the first time the Palin-bot has short-circuited in public. Republican officials have recently admitted that several of Palin’s embarrassing moments, including her prank phone call from Nicolas Sarkozy and her “I can see Russia from my house” comment were actually the results of software malfunctions.

I can see Alaska from my house video:

Nicolas Sarkozy prank call video:

ALASKA -  Sarah Palin celebrated her big Tea Party win on Tuesday by turning herself into Bat Boy!!

Sarah Palin has been riding high since the big Republican victory on Tuesday.  But to everyone’s surprise the FIRST thing she did on Wednesday morning was… she joined in the fun and Bat Boy herself!

Sarah Palin knows that even though this was a big year for her and her party, becoming Bat Boy was the highlight of your 2010.   She was inspired by seeing the picture of Bat Boy in the East Village last Monday!

Sarah Palin wanted to know what she would look like as Bat Boy?
So  she did it.

Now for the first time check out the official Bat Boy Yourself facebook application from Weekly World News.

It’s live right NOW so click below and make someone smile on Election Day!

GO BAT BOY YOURSELF on FACEBOOK!!

And here’s a little love song to Sarah Palin for you:

HOLLYWOOD – After one week on DWTS, Bristol Palin is pregnant again.  Her dance partner is the baby-daddy.

Last week, Bristol Palin took her first steps in rehearsal for her turn in the Dancing With The Stars ballroom. The former first daughter of Alaska joined her partner Mark Ballas at a studio to begin rehearsals for the eleventh season of the hit ABC show. She got close to Mark quickly and… now WWN can confirm that she’s pregnant with his baby.

“Mark and I really clicked and… one step led to another.  I’m pregnant.”   Ballas said that at the first Dancing With The Star rehearsal, he felt a real “soul” connection with Bristol. They went back to his apartment,  made love and… “on the first try we made a baby.”

Dancing With The Stars host, Tom Bergeron told WWN that producers had talked about having a “horizontal dancing” segment on the show but “it was just too risqué,”   Bergeron said. “If there were a competition for that, Bristol and Mark would win hands down. They must really be in sync rhythmically.”

The teenage mother told WWN that “I never got the sex talk from my mother, so it’s not my fault that I have sex all the time and I get pregnant.  She should have told me how it all works.”  Mark Ballas, 24, said that he did get the “sex talk” from his parents and did know how it all works, but he didn’t have time to put on a condom, “We were in the groove. We didn’t want to mess up our routine.”

When Levi Johnston heard about his ex-wife, the “woman-that-gave-me-a-life,” he said, “Mark Ballas is hot.  I would have slept with him, too.  He has great abs. They’re not as good as mine, but they’re good.”  Levi was disappointed that Bristol decided to call Mark Ballas “Baby-Daddy” and that she is calling him “asshat” now.

After learning that Bristol was pregnant again, Sarah Palin told her husband, the First Dude, to make a chastity belt for Bristol.  “She needs to lock that thing up. Throw away the key!”

Producers of Dancing With The Stars are deciding whether to let Bristol continue to compete in the show.  “Technically, there are three of them dancing, and this is a couples competition.

Asked whether he was going to marry Bristol, Mark Ballas simply said, “Dancers don’t get married.  It’s not good for  our footwork.”  Bristol’s other baby, Tripp, was unavailable for comment.  He doesn’t speak yet.  But some observers said they thought they saw him smile, he seemed happy about getting a sibling.

NEW YORK, NY – After weeks of speculation as to why she quit/stepped-down/quit her duties as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has resurfaced… in the sporting world. Today in New York, a press conference is scheduled to announce that the former ‘almost’ 2nd most powerful person on the planet has taken the lateral move to become commissioner of the WNBA.

(pause for silent applause and reflection).

Said current NBA czar of the universe, David Stern, ‘We couldn’t be more excited to have Sarah join our family.  She’s smart, hot, finishes most jobs, and has the kind of experience we’re looking for because she played point guard in high school.  Plus you know we are always talking about expansion in the WNBA, well she can see Europe from her new office in New York, and that has to count for something’.

The Governor-quitter was unavailable for comment yesterday, but her free-loading soulmate of a husband did offer some insight as to why Sarah would take the position. ‘First and foremost, it’s a really cool title’, said Todd Palin.  ‘Sarah didn’t like the word ‘vice’ anyway, and commissioner solves that problem.  Plus, can you think of anyone with a more qualified resume than her?’ Actually, this reporter can. But all of them have jobs.

How this effects the former Republican VP’s long-term political future is uncertain. Will this new 7-year appointment become her new 2-year passion?  Or will the experience of running an unpopular league, dealing with dwindling fan bases and an uninteresting product, be the opportune springboard to a much higher office in 2012?  I bet Newt Gingrich won’t be able to match this resume builder.  Let’s see Mitt Romney come off his high horse of health care reform to talk about the new drama in the Mystic front office.

Way to go Sarah. You have once again proved that if they set their mind to it, women can do anything.  Now if only the LPGA could lure Hillary Clinton to take a career step up, we’d start to have some gender equality.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

I never much cared for that David Letterman fellow, and not just because his show is on way past my bedtime. But I think he’s finally lost it!

The other night he made some weird joke about Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old daughter getting raped by a baseball player at a charity event. I didn’t really get it – young people today have a funny sense of humor, I guess.

After some normal folks complained, Letterman said he was sorry, but not really. You could tell he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong.

I’m surprised Todd Palin didn’t drive his snowmobile down to New York City and shove Letterman’s stinky cigar where the sun don’t shine, right after he wiped that gap tooth grin off his face!

For a millionaire with his own fancy TV program, David Letterman acts more like David Bitterman. What’s he so mad about anyway? He’s got a high-class penthouse and all the booze he can drink, which I’m guessing is a lot.

And his big liberal hero, the Teleprompter Kid, is President now! Shouldn’t David Bitterman be happy, instead of telling jokes about some lady who lost the election last year?

Instead, David Letterman and his Hollywood friends seem madder than ever! Look at Danny DeVito. Remember when he went on TV drunk and stupid and joked about how George Bush was a stupid drunk? Well, DeVito made a drunk fool of himself again on tv this week — and George Bush isn’t around anymore!

Even Obama’s hero, Reverend Wright, is ticked off because every time he tries to call his favorite parishioner, sneaky Jewish people steal his cell phone!

And I thought liberals were about love and peace, and us right-wingers were the bitter, angry ones! I guess you learn something new every day!

ANCHORAGE, AK – Todd Palin vows to jump 25 election booths with his snowmobile on Election Day.

Todd Palin believes the stunt will increase awareness and voter turnout in support of his wife’s Vice Presidential bid.  “Last time I did something like this I got a DUI, but this time I’m helping save America!”  Palin said, and then proceeded to yell excitedly with his supporters for seven minutes.

Palin is a four time snowmobile champion and works in Alaska’s oil industry.  He never received a degree, but during his short time at college was a member of the infamous Delta Lambda Mu fraternity, the only fraternity in America to be outlawed in an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Also he has been a vocal member of the Alaska Separatist Movement and a judge in the 2008 Miss Alaska competition, which he says he is “most proud of.”

When asked what role he would play in a McCain Palin administration, he stated that his formidable video game skills would make him a valuable asset as a military advisor.

Mr. Palin wanted to complete his jump across the state line, marking the fifth time he has ever left Alaska, however he has been labeled Persona Non Gratis by Canada due to an incident involving a missing Labatt Blue truck, several cases of maple syrup, and a psychologically traumatized moose.

Palin concluded his press conference, held at an Anchorage sports bar, by exclaiming “My hot wife’s gonna be king of the world!”  He then fell of the table and hit his head on a pinball machine.

WASILLA, AK – Representatives from the McCain Campaign have confirmed that Vice Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, will spend the Columbus Day holiday on a witch hunt.

Accompanied by her spiritual advisor, Pastor Muthee, Palin will canvass her hometown of Wasilla for witches.  Muthee is famous for reducing crime in Kenya by ridding towns of the witches following the teachings of Satan.

Palin and Muthee believe that Wasilla, given the unflattering nickname “The Meth Capitol of Alaska,” is a prime target for a witch hunt.

“There has been a lot of talk lately about patriotism.  Nothing is less patriotic than Satan,” the Governor’s husband Todd told reporters outside of Speedy Donuts after a recent campaign stop in suburban Ohio.

“On Columbus Day, Sarah is going to do her patriotic duty of hunting down the witches that are defiling Wasilla with their vile practices.  What better way to spend America’s birthday than on a good old fashioned, Salem-style witch hunt?”

Responding to a question on if she thought killing witches was her patriotic duty, Governor Palin said, “Doggonit, you betcha!”

Asked if she believed Columbus Day, rather than Independence Day, marked America’s birthday, the Governor replied, “In what way, Charlie?”