SALT LAKE CITY – Utah has decided to legalize polygamy for all its citizens.

Utah lawmakers have decided to move forward with a bill that would legalize polygamy.

Current Utah Law (Article 3) states that ”polygamous or plural marriages are forever prohibited.”  But according to Article 3, you can hold whatever religious beliefs you want.  Utah will never prosecute you for your religious beliefs. However being a polygamist and acting upon your beliefs is completely out of the question.

That’s been the conundrum for Utah lawmakers… until now.  “We have to change the laws to match the beliefs of our citizens and a man having more than one wife, just makes sense!”, said Utah Speaker of the house, Blake Smith (D).

Over the years, authorities have looked the other way with regard to polygamous behavior and have instead focused on any abuse of children, kidnapping or any other domestic abuse.

Under current Utah Law bigamy is a felony of the third degree.

The news of the new Utah bill coincides with TLC airing its new reality show, Sister Wives, about a man with three wives – and soon a fourth – and his 12 kids.. The man, Kody Brown.  says, “polygamy is just another word for paradise.”

The husband is happy. The wives are happy. The children are polite and helpful.   “It’s perfect, it’s heaven,” said Brown.  “Variety is the spice of life and… I am enjoying my life.”

Advertising salesman Brown lives somewhere in Utah with Meri, his wife of 20 years, Janelle, his wife of 17 years, and Christine, his wife of 16 years. “I like marriage, and I’m a repeat offender,” he says.

He identifies himself as Mormon, though he is not a member of the mainstream faith that has banned “the lifestyle,” he notes.  “The lifestyle.” You’ll hear that expression tossed around a lot in the one-hour premiere.

The wives are the biggest advocates, arguing it guarantees security to their children. If one of them were to die, the other wives would step in to raise the kids. The extended clan lives in a large house that is subdivided into separate but adjoining apartments for each of the wives and their children.

“Look, it’s better for women to share one stable, solid, good man than to be with a no-good man who can’t even support himself.   It’s the way the world is supposed to work.  Women want men with money, power and status and men want variety and beauty.  Polygamy is the natural way for human beings to mate, have a family,” said Monica Creighton, another polygamist in Utah.

Utah lawmakers hope to have the bill ready to be signed by Governor Gary R. Herbert by December.  They expect a large influx of new residents.

NEW YORK – Solar cabs die during monster snowstorm!

New York’s TLC Commissioner David Yassky’s much heralded launch of solar cabs earlier this week met with an end as fiery as the sun meant to fuel the planned fleet.

The eco-friendly cab, piloted by its owner Vinay Roy, erupted into flames shortly after the morning snowy rush hour.  No one was hurt in the incident, including a Manhattan mother and her 15-year old son who were on route to a nearby private high school.

The cause of the fire is still under investigation.  Solar cab experts believe the fire was likely triggered as the vehicle’s electric engine was over burdened by the extreme weight of its solar absorption skin and the poor traction of the snow-covered road.

Mr. Roy was selected among 2,500 New York Taxi medallion owners for the honor of driving the world’s first solar cab. His four-minute music video, replete with a five person traditional Hindu band and one Bollywood-style dance routine, netted him the honor and the envy of fellow drivers at his Brooklyn garage.

The TLC’s solar cab program was launched in late March 2010 and marked a bold first phase in Yassky’s “New Deal” for NYC transport.  After 10 months of development, on 1/1/11 – a date revered for its unique binary uniformity
- the first solar was put into service.  But for a few overcast days when the solar system became depleted, “the cab has driven like an angel sent from the heavens,” commented Mr. Roy.

In response to his good fortune and the absence of any fuel costs, Mr. Roy has steadfastly refused all gratuities from his passengers, and generally takes the most direct routes to his passengers destinations.

But Mr. Roy’s 15 minutes of fame came crashing down as his beloved cab, means of livelihood and dreams for a future of clean air in his native country, went up in flames.  Adding insult to injury, his passengers refused to pay the fare as Mr. Roy was neither able to verify the fare amount nor provide a valid receipt.  While trying valiantly to access the burning console and
taxi meter to secure a receipt, a vile of cinnamon air freshener exploded violently on the dashboard.  The sound and barrage of flying brown clear plastic sent Mr. Roy’s passengers on hasty retreat down nearby side street.

They have not been identified.

Though the initial results from the solar cab trail have been disappointing, Commissioner Yassky is undaunted in his quest for a city full of solar cabs.

“I’ve learned from my career in politics, that you can’t let a minor setback hold you back from your dreams.”  To honor Mr. Yassky’s passion, the New York City Council is considering a bill to enshrine the burnt cab in a curtain of glass, right where it rests in the middle of Flatbush avenue.”

Speaker Christine Quinn, commented, what better message can we send to the world than to turn that lemon cab into a monument to lemonade?!”

Meanwhile, Mr. Roy has had to pick up the pieces of his life and seek employment as a Pedi-cab driver in midtown.   “I’d prefer to let the sun do the work, but all I’ve got now are my legs – so I will start there.”

CINCINNATI, OH -  When the world is about to end, peace of mind can be found in extreme couponing.

In these hard times that many Americans are facing, there is little to which one can turn for comfort and solace. Some turn to religion, others to family, but Amanda Ostrowski, aka Manders, has found her piece of mind in extreme couponing.

Manders, is one of four shopaholics featured in the new smash hit reality TV program, Extreme Couponing, that aired yesterday on TLC. These penny pinching purchasers save hundreds of thousands of dollars while amassing enormous stockpiles of goods in the process. Manders is slightly different form the others though, her obsession with saving and stockpiling stems from her fears of Armageddon.

Fully aware that the world will come to end in 2012 or perhaps a little sooner depending on who you talk to, Manders has been clipping coupons, dumpster diving for saving and just plain haggling for a chance to amass as much as she can to weather the impending doom that faces mankind.

“There is no way that that 2012 movie is a lie. Roland Emmerich is too altruistic to lead us astray. Just like Jim Jones, God rest his soul” said Manders.

Manders so far has been able to accumulate a 10,000 item stockpile in her garage including 218 boxes of pasta, 150 candy bars, 2 turtle doves and a whopping 3,000 rolls of toilet paper. That’s enough toilet paper to wipe her butt for about 40 years.

“When I look at my toilet paper the feeling it brings to me is just absolute joy,” said Manders, “I feel great knowing that my derrière will be clean when there is nothing left behind.”

Manders says that she loves couponing and that it is like a high for her. “If I’m not clipping I start to twitch a little and I begin to itch all over,” she explained.

If you are anything like me, you know that you will be glued to the TV for the Extreme Couponing Marathon sure to hit the tele this summer. Let’s just hope that it airs before we all go boom.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin made a major, although highly expected, announcement on their show Monday: Kate Gosselin is an insect.

On Monday night’s show Jon and Kate, speaking separately to the camera, made a major announcement that came as a surprise to no one.  While talking about their upcoming divorce Kate finally took off her human mask revealing the head of a giant praying mantis.

This announcement only confirmed suspicions that many had regarding the couple.    Kate’s incessant derision and domineering attitude towards her husband was finally explained, as was her ability to bear six children at one time.  For years Kate has fascinated viewers with her unending criticisms and psychological domination of her husband Jon.  Entomologists confirm that behavior exhibited by Kate is common in the insect world, where an alpha female will dominate the colony and submissive males are kept alive to mate with the queen.

Filmed separately on their couch Jon and Kate spoke about the practicalities of raising their children, maintaining the show, and Kate being a giant insect.  Jon said to the cameras “It’s a sad thing but it needed to happen.  We’re both trying to focus on the kids needs and providing them with stability.”  A newly unmasked Kate spoke about the practicalities of being without a man-drone. “This decision does not please me, yet it must be done.  For Jon has disappointed me for the final time!  Not that I mean to be petty, but his performance has been unsatisfying of late.  The children shall live in this house with me.  Jon will be allowed to come here and see them when I require personal time.  There is no other alternative!  I have spoken!”

Jon and Kate plus 8 is scheduled to film another season.

WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!

“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania.  “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC.  I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”

“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”

“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”

Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.

For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.

While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.

More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house.  Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.

“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said.  “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”

“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”

“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”

“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight.  When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School.  You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”

“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect.  She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children.  Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon Gosselin has spent weeks battling allegations that he cheated on his wife Kate.  But Weekly World News has finally uncovered his strange affair – with 8 clowns!

Jon and Kate Gosselin star in the popular TLC reality show “Jon and Kate plus 8”, which chronicles their life as parents of 7 year old twins and 4 year old sextuplets.

Since US magazine broke the story last week there has been a frenzy of allegations and denials in attempting to discover the truth.

Weekly World News reporters, however, have finally uncovered definitive photographic proof of the Jon Gosselin affair.

Last weekend, Jon Gosselin was seen entering a hotel room with 8 female circus performers.  The women are believed to have been part of a touring production of Cirque du Soleil.

Pictures clearly show Jon entering a room trying to avoid being recognized.  The room was registered to a “Pepper Freckles” who checked in only one hour before.

A security guard, who wishes to remain anonymous, says during the next three hours several guests complained about noises from that room, including loud repetitive squeaking and occasional rounds of applause.  During that time he once saw Jon out of the room getting ice; he had multicolored face paint on his collar and appeared to be walking funny, most likely from the oversized shoes he was wearing.  The guard then saw a female clown lean out of her room and beckon Gosselin back with a large and inappropriately shaped balloon.

Hours later Jon was seen outside of the room, weeping to his clown lovers.  He began yelling and it became clear he was desperate for them to take him with them.  The clowns refused flatly, and used seltzer bottles to make him let go of their legs.  Through tears he watched the 8 women pile into one small car and drive away.

Spokespeople for Jon Gosslin have yet to comment on these most recent allegations.

CHICAGO, IL – Octuplet Grandpa Ed Doud appeared on Oprah this week to announce his new product line for parents of multiple children: Octo-tots.  He claims to have created the line to help support his daughter and the growing number of parents like her.

Items will include double-decker stretch-strollers with optional solar panels and Segway attachment.  In some states this stroller will require its own license plate and a special classification driver’s license.

Find Me Mommy earrings are enabled with GPS technology.  With the included palm sized screen a parent will be able to know where all of their tagged children are at any given time.  The program can also be downloaded as an iPhone application, and they are still working on ways to keep this from enabling predators.

The Octo-bjorn will allow parents to carry up to eight children at once while keeping their hands free.  Mr. Doud tried one on during the show, and members of the audience seemed mildly excited to hear they would each be receiving one.

The Sugar Sweet Sunshine Multi-Channel Closed Circuit Tv Baby Monitor will allow parents to watch multiple children at once.  Nadya Suleman will not need one however since she shares a room with all sixteen of her children.

Baby Beddy Bye is an infant strength sedative to help get eight or more children on the same sleep pattern.  Tests are inconclusive as to whether it is habit forming for the children.

TLC is sponsoring production of the line, and is in talks with the family to give them their own show.  Negotiations have been stalled due to a line in Nadya’s contract stipulating that TLC must first “make me a Princess.”  Programming executives are currently unsure of how to deal with this very specific demand.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the hit reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, have added one supersized mouth to their family this holiday season: Tonya!

The parents of eight children, 7-year-old twin girls and 4 year-old sextuplets, caved to the increasing pressure of their children to adopt a pet.  Originally expecting to get a medium to large sized dog, the Gosselin’s changed their plans after being introduced to Tonya at a summit for reality TV show stars.

“Jon looked over and saw Tonya being interviewed by at least 6 different reporters at one time,” Kate said in a press release, “he immediately knew that if she could handle that many members of the press, she could totally deal with eight screaming, grabby children.”

When asked about their decision to adopt a giant cat instead of a dog, Jon told reporters, “We hadn’t considered a cat originally.  Size was very important to us.  Having eight kids, we knew we wanted an animal that all of them could pay attention to at the same time.  The problem with a cat or rabbit or small dog is that only one kid could hold it or pet it.  With Tonya, that isn’t going to be a problem.  When she lays on her back, all six of the little kids can lay on Tonya with room to spare.”

Longtime fans of Tonya’s who have followed her recent performances on Top Chef and Biggest Loser, were surprised to hear that she is taking a break from reality competitions to guest star on the much tamer TLC show.

Through her spokesperson, Tonya responded, “If you have ever seen the program, you know that Kate knows how to cook big meals.  And we all know Tonya loves big meals.  She also loves a challenge.  And being manhandled by 16 little sticky hands just might be the most challenging thing Tonya has ever done.”

Rumors that Tonya is actually only interested in eating the young Gosselin children have been widely disputed.  Both Tonya’s representation and TLC have promised defamation of character lawsuits to “anyone who continues to spread such vile accusations.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – John McCain received support from a most unlikely source today.

WIth his popularity slipping in the polls. his running mate pounded by Katie Couric, and internet rumors that a stroke has caused laziness in his left eye, McCain was visited by the apparition of former TLC singer Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.

Sources from the McCain camp, said the crossover was brief but uplifting.

As McCain descended the rear entrance of The Capitol late last night, Lopes’ apparition hovered alongside McCain and crooned personalized lyrics to her TLC song, “Keep Your Head to the Sky”.

“Keep your head to the sky; lift your life and reach high; wipe your tears and don’t cry; open your left eye; go to the debate tonight, you will make it if you try.”

The cantankerous McCain surprised onlookers by continuing the singalong after the apparition had vanished.