NEW JERSEY -  A rare mutation happened to Fred Alan on the way to his Thanksgiving feast.  His head turned into a Tuna!

Last week, Fred Allan, an angler who went missing three miles off the coast of New Jersey, was spotted in Jersey City on his way to a Thanksgiving feast.

Fred sat through his Thanksgiving meal with his family without them noticing that his head was had turned into a tuna. But his family has never paid much attention to Fred.   He left with his turkey leftovers.

It wasn’t until he was walking home when a little boy, Chucky Thompson, saw Fred on the street and screamed, “Your head is a tuna fish!”  Fred quickly put his hands to his head and realized that Chucky was right.  Not only was he shocked to learn he had a tuna head, but also Fred realized that his hands were missing as well.  See:

Fred went to see Dr. Chris Rigaux, a marine biologist who specializes in mutations,  sea water fish and heads.  Dr. Rigaux said that this has happened several times before in Tuna History.  “In 1876 a woman, Janice Ross, went fishing with her son off the coast of Virginia.  They caught some bluefin tuna on their own and were happy for their good fortune.  But on the way back, her son, Robert, realized that his mother’s head had turned into a tuna.

“Thinking that his mother was being attacked by an angry tuna, Robert tried to knock the tuna off his mother’s head with a broken oar.  He killed the tuna, but also bashed in his mother’s skull at the same time.  It was a sad day off Virginia Beach.”

Fred Alan was originally told that if he waited a few days and made sure he did not watch “Deadliest Catch”  -  his head might return to normal.  But now… it looks like he will be half-tuna, half-man for the foreseeable future.

Fred was seen walking around Journal Square in Jersey City earlier today.  He was greeting passengers on the Path train – telling them that the bluefin tuna was in danger of going extinct.  He was not warmly received – and several Path passengers grabbed fishing poles, tried to reel him in.  Though my hook caught him temporarily, he got away.

Authorities fear that an angry Fred may go out and try to attack tuna eaters in Jersey City and across the state.  Nobody has seen him in twenty-five hours.  Is he planning an attack?  Is he in hiding?   Is there enough mayo in town to handle Fred?

WWN will, or course, keep you updated on the whereabouts of Fred Alan – Tuna Boy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Center for Disease Control has issued a warning:  zombie turkeys are on the loose!

Scientists from the CDC released a formal warning earlier this morning.

“We are currently witnessing one of the worst zombie attacks in recent history,” the report said. “Turkeys across America are rising from the dead and feasting on the flesh of their golden brown, perfectly roasted brethren.”

According to researchers, the source of the zombie turkey outbreak can be traced back to a turkey farm in West Virginia. There, local farmers experimented with a new, synthetic flavor injection that they hoped would increase the fat deposits on deceased turkeys.

“Basically, we wanted to make a fatter, juicier turkey,” said a worker at the West Virginia turkey farm who wished to remain nameless. “We injected the dead turkeys with the serum, hoping they would plump up a little. Next thing we know, they were coming back to life and trying to eat our brains!”

It has since been discovered that the antibiotic contained traces of turkey DNA, which when injected into the dead turkey carcasses, brought them back to life.

Though scientists and farmers have been working around the clock to devise a plan to stop the zombies, the outbreak continues to spread. Already, over 6,000 supermarkets across the country have had to close down due to massive zombie infections in their frozen turkey department.

Samantha Teehausen, of Weehawken, New Jersey, was shopping at her local supermarket when she witnessed a zombie attack.

photo by Boy Mack

“I was putting a frozen turkey into my shopping cart when all of a sudden an army of turkeys came crashing through the front door,” said Teehausen “These turkeys were disgusting. Their heads were split open and their skin looked like it was rotting off the bone. Right away, I knew they were zombies”

She added: “One of the zombie turkeys hoped into my shopping cart and took a huge bite out of my frozen one. Suddenly my frozen turkey sprang to life and tried to eat me! I ran the heck out of there as fast as I could!”

Similar incidents have been reported around the country, prompting government officials to sanction an official ban on eating turkeys.

“We know this comes at a bad time,” said President Obama in a speech to reporters this morning. “However, the United States government has no choice but to ban the eating of all turkey meat on Thanksgiving.”

He added, “You should give Tofurkey a try. Honestly, it’s not that bad.”

Some Americans have expressed outrage over the government’s turkey ban.

“What am I going to do with all this stuffing?” said Kenneth Jones, of Fairmont, West Virginia. “Give it to Obama? I don’t think so! The only stuffing he’s gonna get is when I stuff that Tofurkey up his – “

Unfortunately, the Weekly World News cannot print the rest of Kenneth’s quote due to obscenity laws.

Whether you decided to eat your Thanksgiving turkey is up to you. But readers, be warned: if you feel a funny sensation after dinner –like tiredness, sluggishness, and fatigue – it’s not the tryptophan.

You’re probably a zombie!

[Photos by BOY MACK]

NEW YORK – Bat Boy fans, take to the streets!  The mutant’s balloon has been removed from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

A spokesman for the Macy’s Company announced today that they were removing a Bat Boy balloon from the parade in order to make room for a performance by Lady Gaga.

In a statement released this afternoon, parade coordinators said that the Bat Boy balloon, which was a hit in last year’s parade was being taken out.  It spanned over 13 feet and depicted the winged creature biting the head off a goat, was “too politically incorrect” and that “seeing Bat Boy fly over the streets of New York might cause a health concern for parade spectators.  They were concerned that the crowds may get too excited.

“We were afraid that people might catch a glimpse of the Bat Boy balloon and become overwhelmed with excitement,” said George Childress, a parade supervisor. “Last year, when we introduced the balloon, two people fainted and another started inexplicably bleeding from the neck. We can’t have that happen again.”

photo by Boy Mack

In New York, supporters of the blood-sucking mutant took to the streets in protest.

“This is outrageous!” said Steve Zimmerman, a Brooklyn-based lawyer and avid Weekly World News fan. “Bat Boy is a national hero! He’s been there for us through all of America’s ups and downs. He deserves to be in that parade, and I’m not resting until he is!”

Protesters marched down Broadway this morning, carrying picket signs and chanting pro-Bat Boy slogans as a sign of their disapproval.

Though no one was injured during the protests, protesters were seen overturning cars and setting fire to nearly a dozen storefronts.

“I think Macy’s is making a huge mistake,” said Mike Degrazio, a New York City policeman. “People love Bat Boy, they’re crazy about him. If Macy’s doesn’t put Bat Boy back into that parade, we’re going to have a serious riot on our hands.”

Several celebrities have voiced their support of the Bat Boy balloon, including Sean Penn, Derek Jeter, The Rock, and Megan Fox.

Even WWN’s own PhD Ape chimed in on the debate.

“It is in my sincerest opinion that the large, inflatable balloon depicting the likeness of Bat Boy should be included in the Thanksgiving Day parade,” he wrote on his website. “The Macy’s company should top acting like a bunch sissy-nannies and give Bat Boy the respect he deserves!”

As of press time, Macy’s officials have yet to announce whether or not they plan to reinstate the Bat Boy balloon into the parade.

The Weekly World News is asking its readers to take to the web and show your support! Start a Facebook group! Tweet your friends! Wear your T-Shirts proudly! Show the world that Bat Boy belongs in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! Mutants should get the recognition they deserve!

And for Bat Boy’s sake visit the WWN store and pick up a Bobblehead!!  You can get it HERE.

PHOTOS by WWN Photographer BOY MACK.

CHICAGO, IL – With the economy continuing its roller-coaster ride this week, retailers are expecting a different type of crowd.

Interplanetary shoppers are anticipated to make up as much as 74% of Black Friday shoppers.  Americans are tightening their belts and keeping their wallets pocketed this holiday season as bonuses are cut and lay-offs looming right around the corner.

“Typically we have a good amount of shoppers the week leading up to Thanksgiving,” Wal-Mart manager Susiana Thornward told reporters.  “But this year we haven’t noticed a dramatic spike in sales in November.  We’re a little worried about Friday.”

Experts don’t share Thornward’s skepticism.  Although big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have not seen significant growth during the financial crisis, online retailers of those same companies, as well as Amazon.com have noted that interplanetary and intergalactic sales are booming.

Brian Dipther, consumer trend specialist for Newsweek Online said, “Since Black Friday deals are only available in stores, we expect to see large numbers of aliens flocking to stores to snatch up the incredible deals being offered by big box retailers.”

“If you thought it got ugly when hundreds of mid-westerners rush around a store trying to grab up sale items, just wait until six-armed, three-headed, slime-covered 14-foot tall aliens are fighting over a Tickle-Me Elmo.”

STAMFORD, CT – Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, debuted a new entrée just in time for Thanksgiving. Tonya co-hosted the Martha Stewart Thanksgiving Special with the world-renowned homemaker and chef earlier this week, and made a culinary surprise.

Turbaconducken, the next stage in entrée meat fusion, combines the Thanksgiving favorite turducken with delicious bacon.  Turducken, a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey is then wrapped entirely in bacon.

“Up until yesterday, I thought turducken was the perfect Thanksgiving entrée,” Stewart said during the program.  “It just goes to show that even after being a homemaker for over 50 years, a fat cat can still teach this old dog new tricks.”

Samples of the turbaconducken were a huge success with the audience members in attendance at the taping, although there was not much to go around.

Shortly after the turbaconducken came out of the oven, Tonya became noticeably agitated and excited.

“She began purring incessantly and rubbed her face against the counter top,” Producer Jason Grefth said.  “Before Martha could react and save the turbaconducken, Tonya unhinged her jaw and swallowed the 40 pound entrée whole.”

Producers managed to pull a bacon-covered leg from Tonya’s mouth before she had a chance to swallow.

Audience members fought over pieces of the drool-glazed, bacon encrusted leg.

MARTINSBURG, WV – Bat Boy was spotted on a turkey farm celebrating Thanksgiving early.

Sam Collins, owner of Collins Turkeys, Inc. farm, was out early this morning getting the feed ready when he heard an odd noise out in the field. “It sounded like some kind of hoopla was going on,” Collins said.

Farmer Sam grabbed his rifle and hurried over, expecting to find a fox harrassing the birds. But he was in for a much bigger surprise.

“A little boy in jean shorts was out in the field all by his lonesome. When he heard me coming, he ran and leaned against a tree, acting real casual like. I might have believed him ‘cept he tried whistling and a bunch of turkey feathers came out of his mouth!”

Bat Boy experts believe the junior mutant had heard about Thanksgiving somewhere and tried to emulate it on his own. However, he did it up Bat Boy style and swallowed the live turkey whole, no stuffing or gravy required!

Farmer Sam explained, “Heck, I wasn’t even mad, I was impressed. Those turkeys are big! He saw my gun and took off running, but I just didn’t have the heart to shoot at him. Although I woulda liked his head for the mantle. Have you seen them ears?”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following scathing reviews for his long overdue album Chinese Democracy, Axl Rose made a call to his former therapist.

Having spent nearly a week in Washington DC with Senator Ted Stevens, PhD Ape flew to Los Angeles to be with his former client and longtime friend in his time of need.

“Its not my place to comment on the quality of the album,” PhD Ape told reporters in LA.  “However, I will comment on the quality of the artist.  Axl is a top-notch guy.  Really, he is swell.  And all he wants in the world is to entertain and provide his fans with heartfelt music and Grade-A live shows.”

Rose, working with numerous incarnations of his band, Guns ‘N Roses, spent the last decade and a half working on the album most music scholars assumed would never come out.

And now that it has, most wish it never did.

“It took Brian Wilson 37 years to deal with his mental problems and it culminated with Smile, one of the crowning achievements in Rock music of the last 50 years,” Will Dana, managing editor of Rolling Stone said in his review.  “Maybe if Axl had worked for another 20 years it wouldn’t be such a stinking pile of sh–.”

“The backlash against this album has been really hard on Axl,” PhD Ape said.  “14 years is an incredibly long time to pour your heart into something, just to have people tear it to shreds. “

“I plan on staying with Axl through Thanksgiving so I can work with him on making the best of this situation.  It may seem like he has nothing to be thankful for, but I’m confident that Axl will endure the cold November rain.  Together, we’ll find the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.”