Weekly World News » texas

WORLD’S BIGGEST BUTT

Tap Vann — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 05:49:38 +0000

DALLAS, TX – Dionne Washington claims to have the biggest butt in the world.

Dionne Washington can’t imagine anything worse than dieting. Her massive bottom is 5ft 3ins across and weighs a whopping 120 pounds – about the same as Lindsay Lohan holding twenty pounds of coke.

Dionne loves her butt.

“I am literally sitting on a fortune,” says Dionne, 35. “My butt must be the widest in the world and it already earns me over $180,00 a year. I used to hate it, but now it’s my fave feature.”

She’s sitting on a goldmine.

She knows how much her bottom weighs because four men lifted her up and flopped it down on a set of industrial scales while holding up the rest of her. At its widest point, it’s 14ft 9ins around, and she’s on a mission to make it even bigger.

Dionne’s total weight is 425 lbs and at 5ft 4ins tall her Body Mass Index is 85. That’s four times more than an average woman and it puts her at risk of high cholesterol, diabetes and heart problems.

“I’m not concerned,” she insists. “I love my body and wouldn’t change a thing.”

However, Amanda Thornton of Atlanta has something to say about Dionne’s claim for biggest butt:

And Kim Kardashian – well, she’s not even in the running.

Dionne says nearly everything she eats goes to her bottom and to maintain its huge size she consumes a shocking 9,000 calories a day – more than four times the recommended intake for women.

“The more I eat the bigger this beauty gets,” says Dionne.

She hasn’t always been so proud of her butt, though. Growing up in Texas, she says it was the bane of her life. A skinny child, her weight ballooned when she hit puberty.

“Suddenly I went from size 12 jeans to a size 18, then 20 then 22, while on top I remained a size 14. Kids at school can be so cruel, calling me Big Butt Bertha, Butt Head and Bottom Feeder. I’d sit at the back of class and wait until everyone else left the room because my butt often got stuck in the chair.

“I could barely run, so PE was a nightmare. I’d get my mother to write notes saying I had cramps or sore knees. I tried wearing Spanx to contain my bottom but they didn’t work. I went to the prom by myself and left school feeling depressed, lacking confidence and hating my body,” she recalls.

Dionne tried endless diets, including drinking just diet shakes, the cabbage soup diet and WeightWatchers. But nothing worked.

“My mother Carol took me to see the doctor and he said I needed to diet and exercise more. Mom told me some of my cousins had big bottoms and perhaps it was genetic. All I did was hide under big dresses and comfort-eat.”

Studying business administration at a local college, Dionne was miserable. “I kept my head down and tried to make myself invisible but that was hard. I was still a virgin and felt I’d never find someone who liked me for being me,” she says.

But at 19 one of the guys from class asked her out.

“It was the first time anyone had shown real interest. The date was lovely and we ended up having sex. Then I discovered later he’d done it for a bet with the other guys in my class. I was devastated and lost even more confidence.”

Dionne started work at a law firm. “It was hard as my behind was getting wider as was my appetite. I couldn’t fit into the office chairs. I hated it.

“Then a doctor told me I could diet but the weight probably wouldn’t shift. I could have liposuction but it would take multiple surgeries then I’d need more to fix the hanging skin. It would cost more than $50,000.”

Earning just $28,000 a year, Dionne was devastated. “I tried to get new jobs but the prettier, smaller girls always beat me even though I was more qualified. I knew it was because of my size,” she says.

Then her second boyfriend, who she met in 2008, made her realize she should love her bottom. After the second date he admitted he was attracted to very large women.

“He was throwing all these phrases at me I didn’t understand. He explained he was a ‘fat admirer’ and loved large women and said that in his books I was a BBW – a Big, Beautiful Woman,” she says.

“That night he showed me forums on the internet dedicated to big girls. Some weighed up to 400 pounds. There were super-sized girls in lingerie proudly flashing their flab. Suddenly my world changed. I’d discovered a place where women like me were not only accepted, but adored.”

She made friends with other big girls who were sure her wide bottom would be a hit. So in February 2008, she decided to take the plunge and post some pictures online.

“I weighed 300 pounds and was sick of my boring life. I’d just come out of another failed relationship so I decided to take control,” she says.

“I had a girlfriend take some pictures of me and posted them on a forum. Within 48 hours I was inundated with emails from fans around the world wanting to know if they could buy my pictures.”

Dionne admits she was scared and thrilled at the same time.

“But I decided to go for it. I started selling pictures and videos of me and my butt online. I offered special membership rates of up to $40 a month and would send people two picture sets of up to 30 images. For extra they’d get a video and I charged even more for instant message chats.”

Dionne has built up her empire and now has more than 15,000 fans. Her bottom has paid for an apartment, a big car (with extra-large seats), holidays, designer clothes and gifts for her friends.

However, having the world’s widest butt doesn’t come without its problems.

She can’t sit on normal chairs or stools – she takes up a two-seater sofa – so she does a lot of her computer work in bed. She has a supersized stool, but even with that her bottom sticks out 8ins at the back and 9ins each side.

Dionne also requires extra-wide changing rooms in shops.

“Sometimes I can’t try on clothes as I literally can’t fit,” she says. “I need toilets with seats for big people and I get stuck in bath tubs. I get a lot of clothes made to order in size 36-40, especially my pants,” she says.

“I hate shopping in supermarket aisles that have cans and displays sticking out as I end up knocking them over. At restaurants I have to sit in a booth for three people and push the table to the other side. I don’t use buses – I have to turn sideways just to get through the door.”

She has a serious fear of getting stuck in the toilet on a train or plane.

“One time I got stuck and the flight attendant had to pull me out. I laugh now but it makes you realize the seats need to be bigger for us large girls.”

Dionne’s parents are both dead but she has an aunt who thinks she is nuts. On the other hand, her friends are very supportive. “They tell me I’m amazing and a real inspiration,” she says.

Dionne admits she suffers from back pain but claims it’s minimal because the heavier she gets, her body will change to handle the extra pounds.

“I am a Jimmy Choo fan but I can’t wear heels. My doctor said my butt wouldn’t allow me to balance properly and sometimes after a long day I lose a little sensation in my feet,” she says.

She gets endless marriage proposals from fans but turns them all down.

“I have joined a few dating sites and hope to find a guy who likes me for my brains who I can marry and have kids with.

“I’ve had some eggs frozen in case I meet Mr Perfect later in life so I can still have a baby.”

Dionne doesn’t want to take on Susanne Eman or Donna Simpson for fattest of the world title. She’s happy with the biggest butt. Besides, nobody is going to beat Donna Simpson’s stomach:

You can read about Donna… HERE.

For now, the woman with the world’s widest butt, has no plans to stop modelling or change her lifestyle. “I earn tens of thousands, I have thousands of fans and those kids at college who teased me are all in dead-end jobs.

She says: “I never ask people if my butt looks big in this. I ask them if it’s big enough… the bigger the better.”

Alley Einstein

UK Mirror

HELP WANTED: NASA NEEDS ASTRONAUTS!

Frank Lake — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:36:20 +0000

HOUSTON - President Obama is dismantling the U.S. Space Program, but NASA is in desperate need of astronauts.

NASA is now accepting applications for the next class, which will be the 21st group of spaceflyers in its history, through Jan. 27, 2012, then begin a screening process. Sources say that it the standards have been lowered and “pretty much anybody who can stand on his head for three hours can make it,” according to a NASA insider.

NASA expects to announce its final selections in March 201, and the newly minted spaceflyers will report to Johnson Space Center in Houston for training.

Can you do this?

Of course, the Obama Administration has dismantled the space program, but NASA is in talks with Russia and China to hire the astronauts they train.

“There will be plenty of opportunities to get to the International Space Station — and perhaps destinations in deeper space,” officials said.

“Some of the astronauts we’re recruiting today will be pioneers in our missions to make the first footprints on the surface of Mars,” NASA chief Hank Wormland said during a briefing today. “And we want to get as many regular people up in space as possible.”

NASA has lowered its standards considerably – both in the physical portion of the tests and the academic portion. “If you got a 1200 on your SATs, you should be able to pass the astronaut test,” said Wormland. “And if you are 10-20 pounds overweight, but you can run-up-and-down a flight of stairs in two minutes, you probably can pass the physical portion.”

NASA tends to recruit a new astronaut class every two to four years, to maintain a deep enough pool of spaceflyers, officials said.

That pool has been getting more and more shallow recently.

NASA counted 150 active spaceflyers in its ranks in 1999. Many astronauts have retired or left the agency for jobs elesewhere since then, and as a result that number has fallen to 61 in 2011, according to a recent report by the U.S. National Research Council.

Are you unemployed? Have you always wanted to be an astronaut? Can you lift 50 pounds of weight? Can you count to 100 backwards? Great! You can be one of the first humans on Mars.

Apply now!!

TEXANS HUNTING WILD DONKEYS

Frank Lake — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:59:25 +0000

AUSTIN, TX — The state of Texas celebrates donkeys, but their official policy on wild donkeys is – shoot to kill!

Texans are trying to wipe out thousands of free-roaming donkeys. The State of Texas has authorized citizens to shoot any wild donkey they see. So far 2,307 wild donkeys have been killed, most of them with .308-caliber bolt-action rifles.

The state’s stance: wild donkeys wandering over from Mexico don’t belong. The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department considers an estimated 60,000 burros in Texas to be destructive intruders, hogging forage and lapping up precious water in the drought-starved mountains — thereby threatening the survival of hundreds of native species.

[Editor's note: it has been brought to our attention that wild donkeys are not wild they are - feral. As reader Al Kitt stated: "There are no native or 'wild' horses, donkeys, mules, asses or hybrids of them in the Western Hemisphere (the New World). They are all exotic species and, when living in the wild, are feral." Thank you, Al... but to remain consistent in this article, our donkeys will remain wild.]

Outraged locals, however, claim there’s only one animal the state really cares about — bighorn sheep. Once extinct in Texas for decades, bighorns are popular for hunters in Texas. Coveted state permits to bag bighorns fetch upward of $100,000 at auction in Texas, and opponents like Ginny Wallabee of the Wild Donkey Protection League believe that’s why the state wants to eliminate any threat to the sheep’s survival so the bighorn hunters can have their fun.

Among those trying to stop the shootings include a Wisconsin woman who’s bombarded the state with open records requests; a former state park supervisor; and more than 940,000 supporters on Change.org, making it one of the website’s most popular petitions ever.

Some Texans are trying to protect the donkeys. “We are invading their ecosystem. They’re not invading ours,” said Juan Amadalo of Brownsville.

Shooting wild animals doesn’t generally create much of a stir in Texas, where hunting is a celebrated pastime. Gov. Rick Perry famously paused from a morning jog a year ago to kill a coyote. This past summer, state lawmakers made gunning down feral hogs from helicopters legal. And a number of politicians are planning a big “Donkey Hunt” this weekend.

There aren’t too many Texans who want to protect hogs, but there’s a large contingent of donkey lovers.

Some Texans love their donkeys. Here’s a little girl who tried to save a wild donkey.

Unfortunately, the donkey was soon taken away from the girl and shot sixty times by ten Texans.

Donkeys did the dirty work of hauling supplies during America’s westward expansion in the 1800s, and here along the border, families owned burros like households today have dogs. When the peso was weak, Mexican families strapped American-bought microwaves to their burro’s backs to haul across the Rio Grande.

Heightened border security has made walking a donkey across the Rio Grande nearly impossible, and Mexico’s violent drug war has decimated small towns in northern states and sent families fleeing inward. Many wild donkeys were abandoned by Mexican ranchers.

Sources in Texas say that the conflict between the two sides might cause a Donkey War in Texas.

Whose side would you be on?

TEXAS CRAZY ANTS ATTACK!

Tap Vann — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:00:55 +0000

DALLAS – Crazy, biting ants invade by the millions – and kill by the hundreds!

Crazy, raspberry ants are swarming into Texas – and they’re taking no prisons. They are destroying property and attacking humans. There have been 67 lethal attacks in the last two weeks.

The Crazy Ant Poison that U.S. Exterminators use only stops them for a day, and then a fresh horde shows up, bringing babies. You can’t escape these ants. Once they target you or your property – they are relentless and will send millions of troops to get you

The ants have also taken down huge industrial plants and have attacked farm animals. Over 3,000 cows and pigs have been killed by the crazy ants so far.

Controlling them can cost millions of dollars. And there’s no surefire way of controlling them.

“Months later, I could close my eyes and see them moving,” said Jack Mooney, who curates the ant, mosquito and scarab collections at the Texas State Entomological Museum at the University of Texas.

He’s been back to check on the hairy crazy ants. They’re still around. The occupant isn’t. Ant death.

Mooney himself was attacked himself and may have to have his legs and right arm amputated.

This entomologist, Mary Hillstrom, was attacked by the Crazies after she gave a lecture on how to fight them.

The flea-sized critters are called crazy because each forager scrambles randomly at a speed that your average picnic ant, marching one by one, reaches only in video fast-forward. They’re called hairy because of fuzz that, to the naked eye, makes their abdomens look less glossy than those of their slower, bigger cousins.

The “Crazies” on the move from Texas to Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana. Some of the ants have taken over some motorcycles (it takes about 2.3 million of them to drive it.)

The ants also overwhelm beehives – one Texas beekeeper was losing 1o,ooo a year in 2010. They short out industrial equipment.

If one gets electrocuted, its death releases a chemical cue to attack a threat to the colony, said Roger Gold, an entomology professor at Texas A&M.

“The other ants rush in. Before long, you have a wall of ants,” he said.

A computer system controlling pipeline valves shorted out twice in about 35 days, but monthly treatments there now keep the bugs at bay, said exterminator Tom Rasberry, who found the first Texas specimens of the species in the Houston area in 2002.

Compared to other ants, these need overkill- and usually even that doesn’t work. For instance, Gold said, if 100,000 are killed by pesticides, billions more will follow.

“I did a test site with a product early on and applied the product to a half-acre … In 30 days I had two inches of dead ants covering the entire half-acre,” Rasberry said. “It looked like the top of the dead ants was just total movement from all the live ants on top of the dead ants.”

The ants are probably native to South America, MacGown said. But they were recorded in the Caribbean by the late 19th century, said Jeff Keularts, an extension associate professor at the University of the Virgin Islands. That’s how they got the nickname “Caribbean crazy ants.” They’ve also become known as Rasberry crazy ants, after the exterminator.

SELENA GOMEZ AND JUSTIN BIEBER – NUDE!!

Frank Lake — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 10:35:38 +0000

DALLAS – Sculptor Daniel Edwards has created a bronze statue of a nude Selena Gomez and her ex-boyfriend, Justin Bieber.

The statue shows the two superstars literally joined at the hip.

The 19-year-old Gomez and 17-year-old Bieber are also nude in this depiction, their privates covered only by a maple leaf (because Biebs is from Canada) and a Lone Star (because Gomez is from Texas. The words “Justin & Selena Forever” are at the base of the bronze likeness.

Texas authorities are investigating, because there have been complaints that the statue is “child pornography.”

Edwards based the statue on nude texts that Bieber sent to him of him and Selena. That did not make the mother of his baby (yes, Selena is pregnant) happy. And this statue is one of the reasons that Selena dumped Justin.

Here’s the couple in real life (in happier times):

And here they are in bronze:

So what do you think? Is it creepy or cool?

RICK PERRY IS FAKING HIS TWANG!

Frank Lake — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:21:48 +0000

DALLAS – According to sources close to the Texas governor – Rick Perry fakes his twang.

Rick Perry is known for his tough talk and his heavy Texas twang. But an insider close to the governor says that he is faking his Texas twang – because he feels it will appeal to voters.

“Oh hell, he’s been faking it for years,” said Perry family friend, Tad Boller. “He was born in Texas, but his parents ‘educated the twang’ out of him when he was a boy. I bust a gut every time I hear him make a speech.”

Why does Perry do it? “He thinks it makes him more of a cowboy, makes him sound tougher,” said Boller.

Perry considers himself a “rugged Texan” who often tells supporters he can ride a bronco bareback and can rope a calf blindfolded. Perry proudly tells friends he can wrestle a brown bear and is willing to prove it. “Brown bears don’t scare me. What scares me is people who believe in evolution. That scares the grits out of me.”

Also, according to insiders, Perry is really a Democrat. “He likes talking like a big ole Red Republican, but he really is an environmentalist at heart, who believes fully in global warming. He also likes higher taxes, unions and is pro-choice. Once he becomes President, he plans on doing the Texas two-step on the American people. He’s already saying that Al Gore is going to be his Secretary of Energy.”

As a boy, Perry took lessons to learn how to speak with a proper Texas twang. “It was kind the reverse of what you saw in that movie, The King’s Speech,” Boller said. Boller said taht Perry used to speak English with no accent whatsoever, but he wanted to be considered ‘cool’ by his classmates in high school, so he started taking Twang Lessons. In college, at Texas A&M, Perry lapsed back and lost his twang, but when he made a run for Texas governor, he brought back his teacher and… now he’s making a run for President.”

Professor Guy Bailey, a linguistics expert at University of Texas, is Rick Perry’s twang instructor.

Perry tells friends he prefers “Texas English,” than “English English.” Perry says that Texas English is more desirable these days and that foreign leaders “expect American Presidents to have a Texas twang. “They respect us more if our President has the twang,” Perry told a town hall in South Carolina.y

Perry wakes up every day to an alarm clock that says, “Y’all have a good day. “ He alwasy says he is all for big “bidness” and tells friends that he is “fixin’ to” send Barack Obama back to Illinois.” Perry has a personal goal of saying “y’all” at least 100 times a day. “He thinks the more he says it, the more of a Texan he is,” said Boller.

But there’s another cowboy in town, and he’s learning to twang, too:

JACKIE KENNEDY: LYNDON JOHNSON GOT BOBBY, TOO!

Hideaki Tailor — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 05:25:07 +0000

NEW YORK – Sources say tapes released reveal that Jackie Kennedy believed Lyndon Johnson was also the mastermind behind RFK’s assassination.

Tapes recorded by the First Lady months after the President’s death are to be released ahead of schedule by her daughter Caroline.

In the tapes, to be broadcast by ABC, Kennedy reveals her belief that Johnson and a cabal of Texas tycoons orchestrated the murder of her husband by gunman Lee Harvey Oswald AND, sources close to an insider at ABC said that the tapes also reveal that Jackie believed Johnson also orchestrated the murder of Bobby Kennedy.

Kennedy, who later became Jackie Onassis, claims on the tapes that the Los Angeles murder was part of a larger conspiracy by Johnson to keep Robert Kennedy from becoming President.

President Johnson reportedly never liked Bobby and didn’t want him to become the Democratic nominee for President. Johnson was jealous because Bobby was younger and much better looking than he was.

Robert Kennedy, the brother of John F. Kennedy, was assassinated shortly after midnight on June 5, 1968,. After winning the California primary election for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, Kennedy was shot as he walked through the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel and died twenty-six hours later.

Sirhan Sirhan, 24-year-old Palestinian immigrant, was convicted of Kennedy’s murder and is serving a life sentence for the crime. The shooting was recorded on audio tape by a freelance newspaper reporter, and the aftermath was captured on film.

But rumors by insiders who have sources close to people who know about the tapes, say that Jackie Kennedy reveals, on tape, that President Johnson had met with Sirhan Sirhan three weeks prior in the White House. Sirhan Sirhan was taking a White House tour, when Johnson complimented him on his shoes.

ABC executives have confirmed that the revelations in the tapes are ‘explosive’ with Jackie Kennedy allegedly blaming President Lyndon Johnson for the death of JFK. The tapes were made in 1964, 1968 and 1970. ABC executives have not confirmed that Jackie says that Lyndon Johnson had anything to do with Bobby’s death, but unreliable sources close to ABC say that this is definitely a second bombshell on the tapes.

Some sources close to tapes recorded by Dick Cavett stored in a vault in Bayonne, say that Lyndon Johnson was also responsible for the death of Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. “He was a wild Texan,” the Bayonne insider said.

JACKIE KENNEDY: LYNDON JOHNSON KILLED JFK

Tap Vann — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 14:10:22 +0000

NEW YORK – Tapes released by Caroline Kennedy reveal that Jackie Kennedy believed Lyndon B Johnson was the mastermind behind JFK’s assassination.

Tapes recorded by the First Lady months after the President’s death are to be released ahead of schedule by her daughter Caroline.

In the tapes, to be broadcast by ABC, Kennedy reveals her belief that Johnson and a cabal of Texas tycoons orchestrated the murder of her husband by gunman Lee Harvey Oswald.

Kennedy, who later became Jackie Onassis, claims on the tapes that the Dallas murder was part of a larger conspiracy to allow Johnson to become American President in his own right.

Johnson, who served as state governor and senator for Texas, completed Kennedy’s term after the assassination and went on to be elected president.

Leading historian Arthur Schlesinger Jr. recorded the tapes with Jackie Kennedy within months of her husband’s death.

They have been stored in a sealed vault at the Kennedy Library in Boston after orders from Mrs Kennedy that they would remain secret for 50 years after her death.

Now, 17 years after her mother died from cancer, daughter Caroline has opted to release the tapes early.

She has entered an agreement with the ABC network in the States who will air the tapes after agreeing to cancel their Kennedys drama series which upset Caroline and the Kennedy family.

The $10 million series starred Tom Cruise’s wife Kate Holmes as Jackie Kennedy and critically charted the family’s political and personal trials and tribulations since the 1930s. It has now been dropped in a deal with Caroline concerning these tapes.

ABC executives have confirmed that the revelations in the tapes are ‘explosive’ with Jackie Kennedy allegedly blaming President Lyndon Johnson for the death of JFK.

It is believed the tapes also include the suggestion that President Kennedy was having an affair with a 19-year-old White House intern with his wife even claiming that she found underwear in their bedroom.

Jackie Kennedy also admits to several affairs of her own in the tapes – one with Hollywood star William Holden and another with Fiat founder Gianni Agnelli – in retaliation for the President’s indiscretions.

There are also claims that the couple had discussed having more children in the weeks before his death.

Noted Kennedy family historian and author Edward Klein said: “Jackie regarded the pretty young things in the White House as superficial flings for Jack. She did retaliate by having her own affairs.

“There was a period during which she was delighted to be able to annoy her husband with her own illicit romances.”

NOTRE DAME #1 IN PRESEASON RANKINGS

Frank Lake — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 14:08:38 +0000

TYSONS CORNER, VA — The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame are ranked #1 in the 2011 preseason coaches’ poll.

College football fans across the country were surprised when the coaches’ poll was released today. But coaches across the country are in unanimous agreement: Notre Dame is going to dominate this year under head coach, Brian Kelly.

Notre Dame got 57 of 59 possible first place votes. One first place vote went to Oklahoma, ranked No.2, and the other went to Oregon, which is ranked No. 3 .

Former Florida Coach, Urban Meyer, who was turned down the head coaching job at Notre Dame in 2004, said, “They have an explosive offense and a crushing defense. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen a defense with that much talent at every position. Manti Te’o, Harrison Smith, Lewis Kapron-Moore… they are all future first round draft picks. I’m just glad Florida doesn’t have to play them this year.”

Sooner fans were disappointed that they were not ranked #1, but they are anticipating playing Notre Dame in the BCS title game. Bob Stoops, the coach of Oklahoma said, “We’re just gonna have to spend the season getting ready for Notre Dame. Hopefully by January we’ll be close to their level.”

College Coaches also agreed that Notre Dame may have the greatest receiver to ever play the game on their team this year. Michael Floyd:

There are a lot of Notre Dame haters out there who think that this coaches’ pre-season ranking is a joke, but WWN has carefully reviewed the polling results and can confirm that Notre Dame was at the top. Mark May of ESPN, a notorious ND hater (and a closet ballerina), said, “I wont’ have much to argue with Lou about this season. They have a helluva team. I’ll be wearing green all season. Notre Dame has a great team this year, maybe the greatest football team to ever to play at the collegiate level. I love Notre Dame.”

Former ND coaches, Lou Holtz and Ara Parseghian, believe that Brian Kelly has brought Notre Dame back to the top. “He’s a proven winner, and he’s got the players he needs to bring a national title to Notre Dame,” Coach Holtz said.

The rest of the college teams will be jockeying to be the second best in the country. There’s a lot of contenders: Boise State, LSU, Virginia… they’ll all be in the hunt. Except USC… what a shame.

Florida didn’t make the top ten for first time in several years. Texas, which announced that it has scheduled games during the regular season against Notre beginning in 2015, is ranked fifth, followed by UCLA.

When Boston College students learned of the poll, they whined and moaned, as they always do. Witnesses said they stuck their little eagle heads into their little eagle pillows screaming “God, why didn’t you let me into Notre Dame. Why?!” Notre Dame students in South Bend could hear their sobs.

The coaches’ poll is part of the BCS formula used to determine its national champion. This poll is accurate. Read it (and weep if you must), but check back in January.

Here’s the complete rankings:.

1. Notre Dame
2. Oklahoma
3. Oregon
4. Boise State
5. Texas
6. UCLA
7. Alabama
8. Stanford
9. Rutgers
10. Missouri
11 Virginia Tech
12. Fordham
13. Nebraska
14. North Carolina
15. Florida State
16. Arkansas
17. Miami
18. Auburn
19. Utah
20. Virginia
21. Vanderbilt
22. Penn State
23. TCU
24. Hawaii
25. Michigan

OBAMA BURNS TEXAS!

Frank Lake — Sat, 14 May 2011 11:08:47 +0000

SAN ANTONIO - Rumors are spreading that President Obama ordered fires set in Texas. He’s had enough of The Lone Star State!

Rumors are spreading across the internet that President Obama ordered the U.S. Military to set fires across Texas. The Obama Administration has very little support in Texas and he wanted to “teach them a lesson.”

This came on the heals of an interview with a Dallas reporter. President Obama met with a senior political reporter for WFAA, Brad Watson, sat down with President Barack Obama to discuss things like the economy, immigration and the president’s approval rating.

Watson asked the President some tough questions, and the President got snippy, telling Watson, “next time let me finish my answers.”

President Obama reportedly stormed into The Oval Office, slammed doors and punched walls, then ordered the military to “start burning Texas.” Military commanders objected, but the President was firm. “I lost that state by almost 11 percent of the vote. We need to send them a message, that’s not going to fly in 2012!’

Massive wildfires have already burned an estimated 1.5 million acres of tinder-like brush and grasslands, most of that since the President was asked a tough question by Watson.

Some 220 homes in all have been lost, according to a letter released on Sunday from Perry to President Barack Obama requesting a federal disaster declaration.

“As wildfires continue to rage across our state, Texas is reaching its capacity to respond to these emergencies and is in need of federal assistance,” the governor said in a statement.

President Obama, however, will not be sending Texas any federal aid. “Until they change their voting ways, I say… burn, baby, burn!!”

Here’s the interview that started the fires: