LOS ANGELES – Achy Breaky Heart!   Tish Cyrus is having an affair with Bret Michaels!

Miley Cyrus, who turns 18 on November 23rd and has already agreed to appear in Playboy, has a whole heap of new trouble:  her mother, Tish, is having an affair with Bret Michaels!  WWN confirmed reports of the affair with insiders in the Michael’s and Cyrus clans.

That’s right boy and girls….  Miley’s mother is a cheater.   Poor Billy Ray!!

“Teenagers are mortified enough by their parents’ behavior even when their parents are perfectly fine,” points out Beverly Hills psychologist Julie Armstrong. “Her mother has brought public shame on her.”

Billy Ray isn’t taking it well….”he only spent an hour on his hair today!” said Billy Ray rep, Mary Hillstrom.

Many have said that it’s not a coincidence that Miley’s  new “sexy” (or slutty) look for her hit song, Can’t Be Tamed was the brainchild of Tish.  Perhaps Tish was feeling frisky about her steamy love affair with Bret and she wanted to transform her daughter as well.   All we know is that Bret Michaels, who became the Celebrity Apprentice last year, has given Tish his heart.  “You’re hired, to be my lover,”  is what Bret reportedly told Miley’s mom last week.

In her recent performances in three new videos, “Can’t Be Tamed,” “Who Owns My Heart,” and the new “The Big Bang,” Miley has groped men and women, writhed around on a bed, simulated girl-on-girl kissing, and dressed in corsets, tush-high skirts and over-the-knee boots.

“Whether or not Tish Cyrus and Brett had an affair, Miley has undoubtedly seen her mom and Bret being flirtatious with each other. Miley is copying her mom’s sexually provocative behavior because she sees how much attention it brings her,” says Beverly Hills psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman.

Tish may get cut off, financially, from her daughter once Miley learns that Tish is leaving her father.  “Tish will have to answer to Miley for hurting and betraying her daughter. And if Tish is truly remorseful and honestly faces Miley and explains her behavior, Miley may be able to accept it,” believes psychologist Julie Armstrong. “But if Tish lies or tries to minimize what she did, Miley will not be able to trust Tish, and it will push Miley away.”

Well, that’s the last thing that vulnerable Miley needs. No matter how grown-up Miley thinks she is in her thigh-high boots and see-through tops, she’s still a little girl inside who needs a father AND a mother she can trust NOT to betray her!

But… Miley keeps dreaming, reaching for the stars…

ROCKWOOD, TN – A Tennessee teenager is seeking help after he began crying blood!

Calvino Inman was your everyday 15 year old boy, until one day he noticed something strange coming out of his eyes. Realizing it was blood, his mother immediately took him to a hospital, but the doctors had no idea how to stop it.

Since then, Inman has “cried” blood at least three times a day, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to an hour. “Sometimes, I can feel it coming up, like a tear. I feel my eyes watering,” said Inman. “Sometimes, it will burn as it comes out.”

His friends have called him possessed, but currently there seems to be no other rational explanation. His mother has taken him to several specialists, but none have been able to offer a diagnosis or cure.

True Blood, a current HBO show, features vampires who also cry blood. However, Inman’s problem is very real.

Take a look at a recent interview with Inman, which features footage of him crying:

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

EAST RIDGE, TN – A young boy had the misfortune of discovering the world’s fattest spider monkey sitting in his back yard!

Four year old Elijah Gutierrez was looking out of his window when he told his mother he saw a monkey sitting in the grass. Ms. Gutierrez was shocked to see he was right! She called Animal Control, who captured and soon returned the chunky monkey to its owners.

The reason for his weight issues? He just loves those little debbies!

MEMPHIS, TN – Ending the year on a high note, PhD Ape has announced he will meet with the man who distributed a racist song to RNC members.

Former Tennessee GOP Chairman Chip Saltsman, who is now running for Chairman of the RNC, distributed a mix CD of joke songs to RNC members whose votes he is courting. The track “Barack the Magic Negro” has put Saltsman into the national spotlight.

“Some people are calling him a racist,” PhD Ape said in a brief statement upon departing his charter flight in Memphis. “But I don’t believe that’s the case. He has a keen sense of humor and knows how to use seemingly controversial rhetoric to encourage a dialogue. Which is exactly what we’re doing now.”

“How can anyone call the Republican Party racist? There are four Latinos in the Party, at least one Asian American, and some African Americans. And only one member of the Palm Beach County Republican Executive Committee is in the KKK. Those are good numbers.”

Although Democrats have united in condemning Saltsman, members of the GOP are split between denouncing of the song and support for a longtime party member.

PhD Ape concluded his statement saying, “Like Mike Huckabee said, I believe that Chip would never intentionally disparage anyone. This is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Many in the GOP believe that the song was playful and not hurtful because the election of Barack Obama has brought an end to racism.”

I’m madder than a rooster in an empty hen house at Internet spammers and I won’t take it anymore. Those creeps clutter up my e-mail with their junk, everything from penis enlargement pills to some lady telling me she’ll give me a million dollars if I’ll help her get her money out of Africa. “Rush me 10 grand quick as possible and we’ll get the whole thing started,” she says.

Right. As if yours truly is gonna fall for a stupid con like that.

Just the other day I mentioned the enlargement pills to my wife Thelma Jean and she just looked at me and said: “We got four young ‘uns as it is. I reckon you’ve already done enough damage with that thing without it getting any bigger.” Thelma Jean, bless her, always gets right to the heart of the matter.

The spam I really hate is the pornography. I mean, you should see the stuff I get. It’s really vile.

Remember my uncle Luke “Stonewall” Jackson, from the Tennessee hills with the simple son and the bad piles? Well, Uncle Luke once worked in a factory that made ladies’ corsets, so he knows plenty about that sex stuff, but he says the pornographic e-mails he gets make even him blush.

“It’s time the gubmint banned them outright,” Uncle Luke says. “It just ain’t fittin’ for good Christian folks to be seeing that filth.”

Well, I have an idea. We ask the government to get one of their smart lawyers — God knows, there’s plenty of them around — and get them to send a warning letter to the pornography spammers. It should be a real learned letter saying something like: “Don’t send e-mail spam no more or we’ll throw you in jail for 20 years.”

If they ignore that warning, then send in the cops to arrest them and lock them up. Oh, and while they’re at it, the officers should also put the idiots who respond to pornographic e-mails behind bars. They’re just as bad as the spammers and maybe a lot worse. That’s how we can end this plague once and for all. And good riddance, I say.

NASHVILLE, TN – Obama for America campaign manager, David Plouffe, has accused Republican Presidential candidate Senator John McCain of using alien technology to acquire the questions of last night’s debate in advance.

Plouffe reports multiple sightings of the palm-sized Qwoak aliens, notorious for their ability to predict the future, throughout the theater.

Allegations that McCain allowed one of the Qwoak to sit on his shoulder throughout the debate have not been confirmed.

This is not the first time the McCain campaign has been accused of utilizing supernatural forces to gain unfair advantages in the campaign.  During the Primary, voters reported hexes and spells being used to prevent supporters of former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney from entering polling places.

Until now, it was thought that the Qwoak as well as other intergalactic visitors were remaining neutral in this year’s election.  Tampering with the debate in favor of McCain could put a damper on relations between the Qwoak and the United States should Senator Obama win the presidency.

Reached for comment, Democratic Chairman Howard Dean said, “The use of any means, domestic or alien, to gain access to the debate questions in advance is a blatant violation of the policies that both campaigns agreed to.  We will push for a full investigation.”

A spokesman for the McCain Campaign did not return a call for comment.  A call to the Qwoak Ambassador to the United States was also not returned.