ANCHORAGE, AK – Ted Stevens International Airport closed this weekend due to volcanic ash.  Former Senator Ted Stevens believes it’s all part of a liberal conspiracy.

Mount Redoubt in Alaska erupted last week.  No deaths were reported, but Ted Stevens International in Anchorage had to close and several GOP members were seriously inconvenienced.  Former Senator Ted Stevens claims that it is a liberal conspiracy against his airport and other prominent Republicans.

Stevens believes that, like his several felony corruption charges, the volcanoes explosion was arranged by Liberals to smear his good name.   Bobby Jindal, the Governor of Louisiana, was left with egg on his face since only weeks ago he nationally criticized Democrat spending on ‘Volcano Monitoring.’  Governor Jindal was so embarrassed he needed warm glasses of milk and his favorite footie-pajamas every night this week.

Other Republicans inconvenienced by the eruption included Norm Coleman.  Due to the volcano’s eruption, he was forced to spend an extra two days with the girlfriend he had just broken up with during their Alaska cruise.

The Strom Thurman Memorial Leadership Retreat was engaging in trust exercises at the base of Mount Redoubt.  Once the rumbling started the group turned on each other, scrambling to get back to the vans.  No injuries were sustained from the eruption, but several of the members were later admitted to hospitals for bites, twisted ankles, asphalt burn, one minor heart attack from running 25 yards, and one man who suffered frostbite while riding back to town on the hood of the vehicle.

Stevens held a conference this weekend explaining his beliefs.  Due to the airport being closed only 4 people attended, and they were homeless people taking advantage of the complimentary bagels.

He claims that the Liberal Democrats, in conjunction with the Weather Channel, organized for the volcano to explode.  The Democrats in Congress sent a detachment of Imperial Guards to set up explosives, making the volcano erupt.  Then Al Gore, who secretly runs the Weather Channel to help pull off his ‘Climate Change’ hoax, covered it up as a ‘natural phenomena.’  All this so he and other Republicans would lose face.

Fox News has agreed to give Stevens an hour and half special to expose this and other Democratic conspiracies.

Stevens International Airport opened again on Sunday, thanks to the former Senator spending most of the day shoveling away ash himself.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following scathing reviews for his long overdue album Chinese Democracy, Axl Rose made a call to his former therapist.

Having spent nearly a week in Washington DC with Senator Ted Stevens, PhD Ape flew to Los Angeles to be with his former client and longtime friend in his time of need.

“Its not my place to comment on the quality of the album,” PhD Ape told reporters in LA.  “However, I will comment on the quality of the artist.  Axl is a top-notch guy.  Really, he is swell.  And all he wants in the world is to entertain and provide his fans with heartfelt music and Grade-A live shows.”

Rose, working with numerous incarnations of his band, Guns ‘N Roses, spent the last decade and a half working on the album most music scholars assumed would never come out.

And now that it has, most wish it never did.

“It took Brian Wilson 37 years to deal with his mental problems and it culminated with Smile, one of the crowning achievements in Rock music of the last 50 years,” Will Dana, managing editor of Rolling Stone said in his review.  “Maybe if Axl had worked for another 20 years it wouldn’t be such a stinking pile of sh–.”

“The backlash against this album has been really hard on Axl,” PhD Ape said.  “14 years is an incredibly long time to pour your heart into something, just to have people tear it to shreds. “

“I plan on staying with Axl through Thanksgiving so I can work with him on making the best of this situation.  It may seem like he has nothing to be thankful for, but I’m confident that Axl will endure the cold November rain.  Together, we’ll find the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Phd Ape had more work to do after the Alaska Senate race finally ended yesterday.

Fresh off the heels of a successful Counseling Conference with Right-Wing members of the media, PhD Ape traveled via a chartered jet to Washington DC for a private meeting with recently indicted and failed incumbent, Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska.

As Alaska election officials completed counting votes Tuesday, the day before Stevens’ 85th birthday, and two weeks after the November 4th election, Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich topped Stevens, the US Senates longest sitting Senator by nearly 3,500 votes.

Alaskans questioned leaving the polls and in the days since said one of the top reasons they voted for Begich was due to Stevens’ indictment on corruption charges and a need to change the political tone in Washington and the nation.

“This is a very personal loss for Stevens,” PhD Ape told reporters in a prepared statement, “he has been in the Senate since 1968.  He is a Senator.  Without that, what is Ted Stevens?  A criminal?  Maybe.  A curmudgeon?  Definitely.  But also a heartbroken 85 year old man.”

PhD Ape said he plans to stay with Stevens in Washington through the weekend.

“A rejection of politics of usual, or the “traditional” workings of Washington is a rejection of political stalwarts like Ted Stevens.  He is deeply hurt that the people of Alaska, who he has dedicated his life to, have rejected his years of service.”

Asked whether he would travel with Stevens back to Alaska should Stevens decide that one weekend in DC is insufficient time for counseling, PhD Ape replied, “Oh, I don’t think so.  Alaska in winter?  That’s no place for an ape, even this hairy one.  I’ll work with Stevens in the capitol this weekend.  After that, he has my email.”