Weekly World News » technology

TSA: “EVERYONE WILL BE GROPED”

Frank Lake — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 19:12:26 +0000

WASHINGTON - Amid protests, the TSA is not backing down. They have ordered all passengers to be groped at security checkpoints.

Passengers across the country are in revolt over the new TSA techniques – which include groping and fondling – but Transportation Safety Administration chief John Pistole and several senators from both parties defended the new, enhanced airport security screening procedures as necessary in the face of a persistent and evolving terrorist threat in a hearing Wednesday on Capitol Hill.

“We must grope all passengers. Groping and cavity searches are the only way to make sure passengers are safe,” Pistole said.

Pistole, calm and confident in the face of an increasing public outcry against the procedures, talked extensively about the repercussions of last year’s attempted Christmas Day bombing being the impetus for the enhanced screenings before the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, TSA’s oversight committee.

“We know the terrorists’ intent is still there,” Pistole testified. “We are using technology and protocols to stay ahead of the threat and keep you safe. Terrorists will also have to be groped, so we think we are scaring them away.”

Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri said prior to Pistole’s testimony that she believed TSA was doing the right thing. “I, personally, don’t mind being groped. I think Americans are a bit uptight when it comes to their body. It’s actually qutie nice to be fondled by a stranger in a uniform.”

McCaskill went on to say that it wasn’t technically groping. “It’s more like love pats. And I approve of them. God knows we need more love in our society.”

McCaskill and Pistole acknowledged the public concern that has made mini-celebrities out of some passengers who have opposed the new imaging scans and enhanced pat-downs. Pistole, a former FBI agent, went so far as to say he submitted himself to the groping and fondling and found them to be “much more pleasant than I thought.”

However, Senator George LeMieux of Florida thought the groping was invasive, saying they had gone too far and that he “doesn’t want (his) wife to be groped or fondled.” He even suggested looking more at the Israeli model of behavioral profiling in airport screenings, which has been largely successful but also criticized as racist.

However, Pistole defended the groping because of the next generation of “non-metallic” explosives currently being used by terrorists. “We have to be vigilant.”

There are some passengers that like the new policy and are flying more than ever. “I love it! I try to fly 3-4 times a day,” said Jonathan Mettier of Louisiana. “I usually put a tube of toothpaste down my pants, just to make it more interesting. This is FUN.”

Let the groping begin!!

ROBOTS ENROLLED IN COLLEGE

Frank Lake — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 19:27:44 +0000

PITTSBURGH, PA – Carnegie-Mellon University has 547 robots in its freshman class.

Carnegie Mellon University just completed a survey of its freshman class and it tallied 547 robots on campus, including Tank Le Fleur (math major), Boss (theatre major) and Opto-Isolator (an artist – and know womanizer).

It all started when Heather Flink, a Ph.D. comparative literature candidate, noticed that a lot of the students in her freshman Comp & Lit class were Robots. She soon learned that the Robotics Institute at Carnegie Mellon not only created Robots for research and study, but they the institute also was responsible for educating and indoctrinating robots from all around the country.

“Robots chose Carnegie-Mellon above all other universities because we see that Robots are the future for our country and we want human students to get used to living and working side-by-side with robots,” said University President Arnold Merkin.

Robots are fully engaged in all aspects of campus life. Here is a senior robot, Mika-Tika, conducting the Carnegie-Mellon Orchestra:

“Not only are robots fully integrated into the university as students, but they are very active in the campus social life,” said Dean of Student Life, Toni Trigiani. “Half of the robots that we admit are “male-oriented” and half are female-oriented.” She went on to say that several of the female robots are the most popular “girls” on campus.

Here’s a picture of senior, Opa-Shoo-Shoo. She was just voted “Senior Class Hottie” by the student body:

Some senior girls at CMU have accused Shoo-Shoo of being a “Slutbot” but Shoo-Shoo vehemently denies it. “I was not programmed with the antiquated morals of my human counterparts. If a boy wants to have sex with me after I have successfully run the appropriate tests on him to determine his viability, and approved him… then that is a private matter between that human and myself.”

Some freshmen at CMU feel that there are too many robots on campus. “I can understand admitting some robots, but 547?! That’s crazy. It’s hard enough getting into college competing against all the Asians that ace the SATs, how are kids going to compete against robots?”, said freshmen John Lutz.

Lutz has a point. The average SAT score for incoming robots was 1600 out of 1600. When the essays portion was included the robots wavered a bit, but still their average was 2300 out of 2400.

Will other colleges start admitting robots?

Well, the real question is how much longer can universities continue to admit humans, when robots are clearly more qualified. It’s a real dilemma for the future of college education in America.

What do you think?

FIDEL CASTRO MEETS THE ALIEN

Reginald Cunningham III — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:26:05 +0000

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday. Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks.
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over. There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting. It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico. At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries. Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean. Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.” The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

GATES PULLS PLUG ON DEFENSE SPENDING

Reginald Cunningham III — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:10:24 +0000

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month. At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada. It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s. Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies. Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray – Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack – A wearable cheese powered propulsion system. Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men – Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability. Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime – Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot. Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth. Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell. Thanks for the memories.