WASHINGTON – Amid protests, the TSA is not backing down. They have ordered all passengers to be groped at security checkpoints.

PITTSBURGH, PA – Carnegie-Mellon University has 547 robots in its freshman class.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday. Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks.

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.