NEW YORK, NY – Images from Saturday’s Tea Party protests have been proven fake.  Glenn Beck begrudgingly admitted responsibility.

On Saturday conservative protesters filled the streets of Washington DC in protest to the Obama administration.  But they didn’t fill the streets as much as you’d think.  Images of the event, circulated on numerous news sources, which show the entire Capitol Mall and beyond filled with people, were clearly faked.  Beck has since admitted full responsibility for the images.

On his Monday night show Glenn Beck admitted to altering the images of the weekend’s protest.  Beck appeared sullen and visibly reluctant to do so.  Off screen the voice of one of his producers could be heard saying “Do it.  Say it Glenn.  OUR LAWYER SAYS SAY IT!!”  While looking down and scraping at the floor with his foot, Beck admitted to being the culprit.

Using Photoshop, some photos replicated the same group of protesters over and over to appear to make the crowd larger.  Unfortunately this was also done on some of the close up shots, which gave the game away.  Other photos claimed to be of this weekends protest were actually of the Million Man March, held by Louis Farrakhan in 1995.  There were even stills taken from the movie Forrest Gump.

Beck admitted that what he had done was “wrong” saying “On the surface I know that this looks unethical, or ‘wrong.’  But you have to look deeper than that.  What we’re trying to do is get the message out, and use one small evil to help prevent a much larger one: socialism.  The sentiment of these protests is the will of the American people!  All we did was exaggerate how many people were able to attend.  The Mainstream Media exaggerates and distorts the news to fit their left-wing anti-American agenda every night.  Shouldn’t the pro-American agenda have the chance to get their say?”

Glenn went on to say that he had since made his peace with Jesus, and is therefore legally and ethically absolved of the incident.

AUSTIN, TX – Texas has seceded from the union.  Led by Governor Rick Perry, Texans and frustrated Conservatives are clamoring to Texas to start a new country.

Texas’ state congress held an emergency session on Thursday, and in a 180-1 vote decided to secede from the union.

Originally the Texas Senate opposed the actions of the State Congress, until the Congressmen asked if they would like to “step outside.”  After a brief scuffle behind the Capitol building, the Senate agreed and ratified the secession.

The new Republic of Texas is actively attracting those who are unhappy with the current US government.  Republicans who attended “Tea Party” protests earlier this week are expected to emigrate in droves.  Grief counselors had to be brought in to many of the protests as hundreds of Republicans realized they are now the minority.  Commercials on Fox News are advertising the new republic as “a Right-minded, God-fearing, *ss-kicking place to live.”  The Michigan Militia has offered to act as interim border patrol for the new state.

Texas was a republic from 1836, when it declared independence from Mexico, to 1845, when it was annexed as a U.S. state.  Kept in the state’s constitution was a provision allowing Texas the right to secede, which has to this point been purely ceremonial.

Governor Rick Perry made the announcement at a press conference Thursday afternoon.  Wearing a navy blue suit and carrying a Winchester rifle, Governor Perry announced that Texas would be its own autonomous republic.  The downtown Austin crowd responded with mostly polite applause and confused stares.  The same speech delivered in Houston later that day was met with thunderous applause and gunshots into the air.

The first orders of business addressed by the Republic of Texas were to set up a holiday on May 2nd where effigies of Gen. Santa Anna will be burned publicly, and to require all state business to be done wearing ‘coonskin caps.

My fellow Americans, today is a great day! All over the country, folks like you and me will be getting together at Tea Party protests.

Now normally, old Ed here doesn’t go in for protests with funny signs and yelling. I leave that to the dirty hippies who wrecked our country. And unlike dirty hippies, you and I have jobs we’re supposed to be at.

But today is different.

While the Communist-in-Chief is busy feeding gourmet pizza to his new dog, and growing marijuana for his unicorn in the Rose Garden, the rest of us are getting madder every day.

America is turning into Cuba except with slightly better cars and lousier weather! The Teleprompter Kid wants to steal our guns, put Rush Limbaugh in prison, make us use those funny looking light bulbs that cause pollution when they break — and he’s gonna charge us for the privilege!

Monday was Tax Freedom Day. That means that every dime you made working, since January 1, has gone to pay your taxes. And those taxes are due today. Taxes that pay for a bunch of politicians’ fancy airplanes and big houses and crappy hairpieces!

Taxes that pay for terrorists’ lawyers, and operations for drunk driving illegal aliens, and condoms in schools, and “farmers” who live in downtown New York.

So find out where your fellow patriots are meeting today, pack a tea bag, bring a flag, and remind the Teleprompter Kid and his cronies: we pay their salaries, and we don’t like the job they’re doing!

Remember: mobs of ticked off people refusing to pay their taxes were what got America started!

CHICAGO, IL – As tax day approaches, protest “tea parties” rev up to high gear in preparation for nation-wide movements by sending out recipes for a successful tea party.

National event coordinator for the Tea Party movement Suzie Howard sent an email blast this weekend to supporters.

“While there is no right way to stage a tea party protest, there are many things you can do to ensure a successful event,” Kramer said.  “You can’t do this alone and you must be organized.  You may want to think about holding an organizational planning meeting with other people.”

With the number of interested people growing into the dozens nationwide, Kramer decided to take a more active role in helping smaller Tea Parties with the necessary tools for staging the protest.

“I have received at least two e-mails from supporters asking for an official Tea Party recipe to make sure their event is up to the standards of the national movement.  And as I said earlier, there is no one recipe we are endorsing, as each Tea Party should be brewed to the tastes of the local constituency, I will share the recipe being used for the National Event in  Sacramento, California.”

Obtained from an anonymous source on the groups email list, the Tea Party recipe shared by Kramer with supporters is printed below in its unedited entirety.

1 fat guy with a megaphone
11 frothing-at-the-mouth fiscal conservatives
14 vaguely colonial costumes, powdered wigs encouraged, but not required
3 out-of-place black guys
7 confused elderly women
6 misspelled signs
1 self-loathing homosexual
23 textbooks featuring evolution, the New Deal or the moon landing (to be used as kindling)
1 effigy of FDR
1 vague message about fiscal responsibility muddled by decries of Socialism in government

Choose one of the following, but be careful to not combine more than two:
6 Asians (preferably female, or if male, over 40)
No more than 4 Jews (none over the age of 45, the kvetching sours the tea)
1 Latino man, over the age of 30, preferably resembling Jaime Escalante
7 minority babies in Baby Bjorns or 3-wheeled strollers

Oversized tea bags w/dollar signs printed on the side
Up to 1 trillion dollars in small bills to fill the tea bags
As many tea pots or large cauldrons as needed to serve protesters, spectators and the press

Mix all the ingredients in the tea bags, set fire to the text books to bring water to boil, steep the mixture in the water for 8 years or until the Republican party takes control of the House and/or Senate.

MOBILE, AL – On April 15th, patriots will meet all over this nation to celebrate Tax Day by staging massive tea parties.  The tea of choice on the menu – money!

Following in the conservative footprints of New American Tea founder, Rick Santelli, many Americans have decided to signal their displeasure with government spending, specifically the bailouts of selfish, ignorant home mortgage holders, by refusing to pay the government any taxes they owe on their 2008 returns.

Rather, they will steep that money for 1-3 minutes, depending on taste, and drink it down, savoring its patriotic flavor.

Speaking to a group of supporters, Santelli said, “Americans are finally waking up!  They can see with their own eyes what our government is trying to do with our tax money!  We can’t be fooled by the news networks who are in the pocket of the Obama Administration.  I don’t care that they say the Dow is up every day for the last week.”

“Where are my Dow points?  Huh?!  Can I buy another car with Dow points?  Can I pay rent on my Madison Avenue Condo with Dow points?!  NO!”

“But I can with my tax dollars!  Which is exactly why I, like tens of other patriots around this great nation, will refuse to pay any more taxes for 2008!  We are going to drink it instead!  Americans know how to use and spend their money better than the government.  This is proof positive of that!”

Protests are scheduled for Mobile, Alabama, Palm Beach, Florida, and Cleveland, Ohio, among one or two other locations.

However, the Palm Beach event has not been confirmed yet because organizers have not been able to raise the 500 dollars necessary to acquire a permit.

“All the money available for the event has already been tied up in the tea,” Ralph King, event organizer told reporters.

“Its literally tied up.  We bought cheese cloth and twine and put our money inside.  Steve from Steve’s Hardware on Main Street tied them off.  And anyone who knows Steve, knows that guy can sure tie a knot.”

Check out the swinging anthem protesters will be singing come April 15th:

BOSTON, MA – Rick Santelli plans to throw the world’s most expensive Tea Party to protest of the Stimulus Plan, serving hundred dollar bills steeped in hot water!

Santelli is an arch-conservative CNBC reporter, who has received a lot of media coverage over the last week for an on-air rant decrying government spending and waste embodied, he says, by the passing of the recent stimulus bill.

His new organization, The New American Tea Party, acting like an umbrella organization encompassing several fiscally conservative political watch and advocacy groups, aims at undermining the stimulus by preventing the funds from reaching their assigned targets.

“There is so much pork in this bill it would give the healthiest man a heart attack!”  Santelli bellowed on CNBC.  “Millions here for the arts.  Millions there for roads.  What’s a couple hundred million for unemployment benefits?!  Sure, why not?  Lets encourage people not to get jobs.  Let’s just give them more taxpayer money to not work and not pay taxes which would go to someone else who is not working!”

“It’s lunacy!”

Santelli’s organization is working closely with conservative lawmakers, specifically governors and state legislators who will most directly receive stimulus funds.

“We’ve already had somewhere in the ballpark of 50 million dollars of stimulus money pledged by local lawmakers for use in the tea party,” Santelli says in a blog posting on the groups website.

“Rather than that money going to these ridiculous and wasteful pet projects, we are going to proverbally put it our pipes and smoke it!  But rather than smoking it, we’ll be drinking it.  In our tea.  Literally.”

Inspired by the Boston Tea Party, which famously threw crates of tea into the Boston Harbor rather than have it sold for inflated prices and with outlandish taxes, the New American Tea Party will in fact steep hundreds of hundred dollar bills in near-boiling water.

“I’m going to drink it down and urinate it out!  I plan to show that the stimulus money will be as effective at stimulating the economy as my urine will be to stimulate my lawn.  Which is un-stimulating!  It will kill my lawn!  And the stimulus will kill the economy!”

UPDATE: The Tea Party organization has released a suggested recipe for upcoming parties. Click here to read!