My fellow Americans, today is a great day! All over the country, folks like you and me will be getting together at Tea Party protests.

Now normally, old Ed here doesn’t go in for protests with funny signs and yelling. I leave that to the dirty hippies who wrecked our country. And unlike dirty hippies, you and I have jobs we’re supposed to be at.

But today is different.

While the Communist-in-Chief is busy feeding gourmet pizza to his new dog, and growing marijuana for his unicorn in the Rose Garden, the rest of us are getting madder every day.

America is turning into Cuba except with slightly better cars and lousier weather! The Teleprompter Kid wants to steal our guns, put Rush Limbaugh in prison, make us use those funny looking light bulbs that cause pollution when they break — and he’s gonna charge us for the privilege!

Monday was Tax Freedom Day. That means that every dime you made working, since January 1, has gone to pay your taxes. And those taxes are due today. Taxes that pay for a bunch of politicians’ fancy airplanes and big houses and crappy hairpieces!

Taxes that pay for terrorists’ lawyers, and operations for drunk driving illegal aliens, and condoms in schools, and “farmers” who live in downtown New York.

So find out where your fellow patriots are meeting today, pack a tea bag, bring a flag, and remind the Teleprompter Kid and his cronies: we pay their salaries, and we don’t like the job they’re doing!

Remember: mobs of ticked off people refusing to pay their taxes were what got America started!

CHICAGO, IL – As tax day approaches, protest “tea parties” rev up to high gear in preparation for nation-wide movements by sending out recipes for a successful tea party.

National event coordinator for the Tea Party movement Suzie Howard sent an email blast this weekend to supporters.

“While there is no right way to stage a tea party protest, there are many things you can do to ensure a successful event,” Kramer said.  “You can’t do this alone and you must be organized.  You may want to think about holding an organizational planning meeting with other people.”

With the number of interested people growing into the dozens nationwide, Kramer decided to take a more active role in helping smaller Tea Parties with the necessary tools for staging the protest.

“I have received at least two e-mails from supporters asking for an official Tea Party recipe to make sure their event is up to the standards of the national movement.  And as I said earlier, there is no one recipe we are endorsing, as each Tea Party should be brewed to the tastes of the local constituency, I will share the recipe being used for the National Event in  Sacramento, California.”

Obtained from an anonymous source on the groups email list, the Tea Party recipe shared by Kramer with supporters is printed below in its unedited entirety.

1 fat guy with a megaphone
11 frothing-at-the-mouth fiscal conservatives
14 vaguely colonial costumes, powdered wigs encouraged, but not required
3 out-of-place black guys
7 confused elderly women
6 misspelled signs
1 self-loathing homosexual
23 textbooks featuring evolution, the New Deal or the moon landing (to be used as kindling)
1 effigy of FDR
1 vague message about fiscal responsibility muddled by decries of Socialism in government

Choose one of the following, but be careful to not combine more than two:
6 Asians (preferably female, or if male, over 40)
No more than 4 Jews (none over the age of 45, the kvetching sours the tea)
1 Latino man, over the age of 30, preferably resembling Jaime Escalante
7 minority babies in Baby Bjorns or 3-wheeled strollers

Oversized tea bags w/dollar signs printed on the side
Up to 1 trillion dollars in small bills to fill the tea bags
As many tea pots or large cauldrons as needed to serve protesters, spectators and the press

Mix all the ingredients in the tea bags, set fire to the text books to bring water to boil, steep the mixture in the water for 8 years or until the Republican party takes control of the House and/or Senate.