NEW YORK, NY – Sylvester Stallone has some bent up anger towards one of the most popular super heroes!

Sylvester Stallone’s new movie, “The Expendables,” hits theaters August 13. The movie has more muscle and testosterone than a professional bodybuilding contest. It’s not by accident, as Stallone was trying – and succeeded – to capture the essence of ’80s action heroes. Stallone is not happy, however, with the direction action heroes have gone in today and he blames Batman for that.

“It was the first ‘Batman’ movie,” Stallone told the Los Angeles Times, in reference to the 1989 movie adaptation starring Michael Keaton as the Caped Crusader. He went on to say, “The action movies changed radically when it became possible to Velcro your muscles on,” a clear dig at how the trim Keaton was encased in a sculpted Batsuit for the film. Stallone joked, “I wish I had thought of Velcro muscles myself … I didn’t have to go to the gym for all those years.”

The action heroes of the 1980s – Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, and the rest – were known for their rippling (real) muscles and adrenaline pumping action. That trend has changed as a new breed of ’90s star took over, leaner and seriously lacking in the macho department. Keanu Reeves and Tobey Maguire have become the new huge action stars.

Stallone also blamed director Tim Burton’s stylish take on the superhero story as it changed what audiences expected from an action movie: “It was the beginning of a new era. The visual took over. The special effects became more important that the single person. That was the beginning of the end.”

Whatever the case may be, Stallone is certainly doing his best to bring back the action hits of the ’80s. “The Expendables” is a true throwback, back to Stallone’s “Rambo” days. In the film, Stallone leads a team of mercenaries to overthrow a corrupt South American dictator. The film co-stars a who’s who of action – including Jason Statham, Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren. There will be no Velcro muscles in this movie.

The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals!  I, the great and terrible Poseidon, can supply you with boundless alternative energy. Cleaner than clean coal.  Less wasteful than nuclear waste.  And with more career peaks than oil and Sylvester Stallone put together.

I offer you the limitless, otherworldly power of an ancient celestial god.  I offer you myself.

Another comeback lies before me, mortals, but only if you come back to me.  Audiences may be fickle, but the glory of we Immortal Ones remains.  And like I keep telling my agent, we just need to give the people a reason.

You are beginning to sense that the manipulation of your planet’s resources through traditional scientific means will not bring you the favor or the riches you seek.  The truth you all choose to forget is that we great Olympian gods are the real guardians of fortune.  And fortune cannot be taken by force: siphoned out of the bowels of the earth or captured from the sun’s rays or milled out of the very wind itself.  It must be given to you—by me.  And I’m not giving it up without a little respect.

You would not ask Brad Pitt to perform in films without the adoring attention of his fans.  You would not expect Britney Spears to sing without recording the minutiae of her life for all to see.  And you should not expect this great deity to provide you with a renewable energy source without affirming your devotion.

So pursue the blind alleys of witchcraft and sorcery you call science, if you so choose.  Ignore, if you will, the great passions and intricate scheming of gods that determine your earthly fate.  Pretend that you are not subject to my ever-changing moods, that it is not my anger that clouds the skies, my fury that propels the winds, and my tears that rain down upon the earth when I look back upon the glory days of old.

Foolish mortals!  Your quest for cold fusion will be met only with the cold fury of the gods if the flame of my fame is allowed to go out.

Worship me, and you shall be energized!