MEXICO CITY – Cinco de Mayo celebrations will proceed in Mexico.  Adjustments are being made to counter the lingering threat of swine flu.

Mexico was the epicenter for recent swine flu which has garnered international headlines.  Attempting to contain the virus, Mexico shut down schools and offices around the country, to great effect.

Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of a military defeat over the French in 1862.  Within the country there is a minor holiday, however abroad it is a day of celebrating Mexican heritage and culture for many.  Mexico hopes to encourage celebration in a safe way that does not put anyone at risk of contamination.

Police will allow people in Mexico City to come out of their homes for the first time in weeks.  Celebrants will be able to gather in the streets, but authorities will be enforcing a 10 foot (3 meter) personal space rule.  Bans on greeting or acknowledging friends and acquaintances will remain in effect.

In affluent suburbs that were not nearly so hard hit, children wearing surgical masks will gather around piñatas filled with Tamiflu and hand sanitizer.

Parades will go on like usual, however all participants will be required Haz-Mat suits and industrial strength gas masks.  The Miss Mexico float and the Church of Scientology are among the few confirmed to be marching.  An all Haz-Mat children’s dance performance will also proceed as scheduled.

State television will air reruns of last years festivities, along with a leaked version of the Wolverine movie to make up for the inconvenience.

WASHINGTON, DC – The growing threat of global pandemic resulting from Swine Flu has health organizations worldwide searching for an origin. But Republicans already have their theory – Pig World Domination!

With even the White House susceptible to the airborne, human-contact-spreading, continually-mutating, dozens-infecting new strain of animal born flu, the World Health Organization raised the threat level of global pandemic to 5, the second highest level.  With this, the WHO declared that the possibility of a global pandemic is not just possible, but so very very likely to happen.

Republicans gathered behind closed doors Wednesday to discuss the issue and how they can best serve their constituents in light of the Senate’s approval of Kansas Governor Kathleen “Oh So Liberal” Sebelius as the President’s Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Their findings on the origin of the outbreak, while surprising, are well researched and the only logical cause of the disease: a global conspiracy of pigs to undermine the international economy causing panic, famine, war and, naturally, pestilence in order to eventually overthrow mankind, enslaving the human race and assuming top of the food-chain status.

“We are here to say that we are on to your games, porkers, and while you have sickened more than a few dozen people, we will fight you to the death and eat you in victory,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky said in a written statement addressed to “Failed Pig Overlords.”

“It is clear that the pigs are seeking revenge for centuries of satiating humans with their delicious meat, succulent innards, and general finger-lickin’ good suckling roasted piglets,” McConnell’s statement continued.

“We don’t know yet how exactly they first passed their heinous flu virus to humans, but now that we know their intent and the extent to which they are willing to go to achieve their horrible goals, we can better act to stop it.”

McConnell’s statement, undersigned “Righteous Republicans for Human Dominance,” sent a shock wave throughout a world eager for answers and vaccines.

“I have no intention of going to Mexico, or Canada, or Spain, or New York, none of those places where the pigs are already taking over,” Mississippi resident Mary Beth Dingler wrote on a blog dedicated to spreading up-to-the-minute information about the conspiracy.  “My cousin a few towns over had a pig farm, but soon as she heard what they planning, she took care of them pork chops.”

Others however, were not as quick to accept the Republicans claims of a united global swine uprising.

“The Republicans are always on the look out for the latest conspiracy to overthrow mankind,” Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-IL) told reporters.  “First it was the killer bees swarming en mass from Africa to enslave humans in honey trafficking.”

“Then, Asian birds dropping flu from the skies to make mankind their two-legged land-steeds.”

“I refuse to believe that pigs are behind this latest pandemic.  I’ve read Animal Farm, I know pigs are smart, but why would they even want to enslave mankind?  Pork is delicious, even pigs cannibalize their own, they know they’re totally yummy.”

Durbin added, “Humans aren’t delicious.  Not that I would know.”

The outbreak of swine flu has caused the World Health Organization to steadily raise its alert levels.  But what do they mean?  Weekly World News breaks it down.

Phase 1
Outbreak is contained within a single bedroom.  Ginger ale, chicken soup, and DVDs of Bridget Jones’ Diary and The Princess Bride are readily available.  Recommendation: saying ‘Bless you’ when patient sneezes.

Phase 2
Disease spreads to workplace through prolonged exposure with the infected.  Tissue boxes begin to become exhausted; toilet paper takes up the slack.  Recommendation: use as excuse to miss work.

Phase 3
Virulent agent has demonstrated resilience to all brands of decongestants.  Patients suspect drug company conspiracy to sell placebos for incurable ailment.  Recommendation: loss of patience, profanity.

Phase 4
Outbreak spreads to news outlets and human interest stories.  The public is warned not to be afraid, but ‘pandemic’ continues to be a really scary word.  Recommendation: water cooler conversation, unnecessarily canceling trips abroad.

Phase 5
Virus remains persistent and continues to mushroom in at least three distinct areas.  Symptoms become exaggerated by telephone game effect, and healthy people begin to fear the menace of purple monkey dishwasher.   Recommendation: cut off contact with outside world, barricade doors, stock up on canned goods, drink plenty of fluids.

Phase 6
Mankind is wiped out with the exception of Will Smith and a Brazilian supermodel.  Repopulation of race begins with exciting results.  Recommendation: keep cameras rolling and hope for a better day.

NEW YORK, NY – With the Swine Flu continuing to spread, people all over the world are stocking up on products to prevent infection. Top designers are offering high fashion alternatives to the common face mask.

Louis Vuitton is offering facemasks with his trademark print.  The masks are made of Italian leather, Egyptian cotton, and the finest Kentucky charcoal.  Beware of imitation knock offs that are already available in New York’s Chinatown.

Donna Karan and Calvin Klein are offering similar lines of surgical face masks aimed at the modern urban dweller.  Basic black cotton and denim comes together in sleek hip design that still reduces risk of infection by 50%.

Prada is offering a spring themed line of face masks.  Spring themed prints or basic colors to match typical seasonal wear adorn the vegan leather masks.  In addition to blocking the deadly Swine Flu the designer masks also have small compartments that make life smell like roses, frankincense, or fresh made cinnamon buns.  Masks from this line will be seen on upcoming episodes of The Hills.

British artist Banksy has also released his own line of surgical masks.  Each is hand signed by the artist and available for free; however they are only available in the ICU of Mexico City’s largest hospital.

Even Sarah Jessica Parker is releasing her own line of face masks, available through Target.  However, analysts are expecting poor sales as a recent study showed the masks to actually increase the risk of infection.  Also, because they are only available in pastels.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Swine Flu epidemic has reached the United States.  This new mutated strand of influenza starts as a normal flu, then turns people into pigs.

The world is in the grip of fear over an outbreak of a new Swine Flu.  A previous strain affected pigs by making them grow enormous and vicious.  This flu has since mutated, mixing with human and avian viruses, to create a new and more dangerous Swine Flu.  This flu begins with typical  symptoms, such as sneezing fever and lethargy, but soon makes humans grow larger and more angry.  Then, by the first full moon, sufferers turn into mutated pigs!

The Center for Disease Control is looking to contain the outbreak and pictures of its effects. “The biggest threat right now is panic,” said CDC spokesman Thomas Belding.  “With proper care, the mutated Swine Flu is treatable.”

Cases of flu-produced werepigs have been confirmed in Canada, Mexico, New Zealand, Spain, and the United States.  So far 20 cases have been reported total in the US.

Eight New York City school children have been infected.  The first symptoms were noticed when the children ate their lunch by diving face first into their plates.  This tipped off school officials who reported the children to the CDC.  The children were apprehended by government agents at recess, lured into black vans by repeated calls of “Souuuuiiiee, Souuuuiiiieee!!”

Theories suggest that the mutational capacity of this virus may have originated as a government project.  Some sources believe that a virus designed to rewrite DNA to create super soldiers was accidentally released and then mixed with other existing influenza viruses; however there is currently no evidence to support such a claim.

Governments around the world are scrambling to stem a global pandemic.  EU countries are discouraging non-essential travel to North America, this time for reasons other then being pretentious.  The White House is considering a “Leave Room for Jesus” policy on interpersonal proximity in public.  Media are being refused access to afflicted areas and hospitals.

Weekly World News has obtained leaked footage of an outbreak in rural New Zealand:

The new Swine Flu can be spread by coughing, sneezing, or being bit by another werepig.  Health officials suggest washing hands often, avoiding public places, and staying indoors during the full moon to help contain the spread of this disease.

Just when you thought we had enough to worry about, there’s a new disease going around. This swine flu thing is coming up from Mexico, which makes me gladder than ever I do like every good American and mow my own damn lawn. I don’t eat their funny food or wear big straw hats, so I figure I’m safe.

We keep hearing reports from Mexican scientists – hell, I never knew they had scientists down there in the first place! What do they do all day? Predict when the Virgin Mary’s gonna show up again? Invent fart-free beans?

Last time we had swine flu, Jimmy Carter was President. He gave people needles and they dropped dead! Typical: Democrats are always trying to fix stuff by making it worse. Today we’ve got the new Jimmy Carter in the White House, so if the Teleprompter Kid tries to stick a needle in your arm, run for your life!

If we had a wall at the Mexican border, none of this would be happening. I bet that Janet Neapolitan will say the flu’s coming over the Canadian border instead, and call it “beaver flu”! Cuz we can’t make Mexico mad at us. After all, they may punish us by sending all their poor people to live here and steal our jobs and suck our schools and hospitals dry, and we can’t have that!

They say this new flu is spread by pigs. Maybe pigs are just ticked off at us for making footballs out of them, and comparing them to Rosie O’Donnell.

We should’ve seen this coming when Mama Cass choked on that ham sandwich! Pigs are getting their revenge on mankind, America! Wake up and smell the bacon!

SPOFFORD, TX – An outbreak of swine flu is being controlled in Mexico City, but the first infected pig was just found and killed in the States!

A monstrous mutant pig held a small town in a grip of a terror, stomping out for nightly rampages that destroyed crops, wrecked barnyards and left beloved pets and farm animals savaged. The colossal 10-foot porker tipped the scales at a staggering 800 pounds.

Its reign of terror ended last night when veteran hunting guide Chris Morris courageously shot the flu-infected pig. “I did what I had to do,” said Spofford resident Morris. “What if it had infected us?”

Scientists had only hypothesized that this new strain of swine flu could mutate pigs. Dr. William Metzler explained, “It’s like nothing we’ve ever encountered. We knew it was a possibility, but never in my life would I have expected it to actually happen!”

It is believed that an infected pig somehow crossed the border at an unfenced section and then infected the Spofford swine. The animal, a unique wild hog-pig hybrid, soon grew to a monstrous size with unparalleled fury.

“While wild hog are known for being aggressive, we think the infection was causing the pig intense discomfort, which only fueled its rage,” said Dr. Metzler.

Local wildlife authorities have asked Morris to train officials how to catch and kill these animals. Dr. Metzler said they are unfortunately expecting more mutants to appear, but more importantly, fear the mutating virus will jump to humans.