LOS ANGELES, CA – Partnering with Stevie Nicks and The ShamWOW Guy, Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, is debuting a revolutionary exercise tool to shake off unwanted weight!

Premiering on local access channels statewide this week during the 1:37am timeslot, Tonya along with Nicks and Vince Schlomi, the ShamWOW spokesman, presented The Power Plate.  The device, looking like a mix between a treadmill and a teleportation station, promises to shed fat, build muscle tone, and increase bone density in just 10 minutes a day.

All through the power of a revolutionary vibration technology.

Stevie Nicks, lead singer of Fleetwood Mac and longtime friend and confidant of Tonya, has secretly been using The Power Plate to drop 60 pounds in preparation for the devices debut and her own world tour.

“Tonya and I were approached by scientists from Ohio State University who developed the vibration technology utilized by The Power Plate,” Nicks said during the products infomercial.

“Always on the lookout for innovative and fun ways to stay healthy and lean, Tonya and I decided we would love to give it a try and if we liked it, be the spokeswomen.”

“And just look at these amazing results!” Nicks said as she spread her arms wide, displaying both her trademark angel wing sleeves as well as her new svelt frame.

Criticism of the device has come primarily from skeptics who have yet to actual test out the new technology.

“Sitting, standing, or working out on a machine that simply shakes you cannot possibly add anything to your exercise,” Suzanne Somers, spokeswoman for the Thigh Master and alleged arch-enemy of Stevie Nicks, wrote on her blog.

Despite the naysayers, the product appears to be an early success.

“We sold nearly 25% of our stock in the first 4 days on the air!” Nicks told reporters in a written statement.  “We aim to move our sales efforts to prime time with the help of veteran salesman Vince Schlomi.”

“Vince knows how to take a hard to believe product and demonstrate how its a must have around the home.”

“Between my results, Vince’s salesmanship, and Tonya’s star power, its only a matter of time before The Power Plate is in every home in America!”

“And before you know it, people worldwide will be shaking their fat right off!”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Suzanne Somers has recently come forward with the experimental hormone program which will give her eternal life.

On Thursday’s Oprah program, Somers revealed just a brief portion of the regimen which is expected to lock her in her physical shell forever.  Allowing cameras into her home, she told viewers about her daily regimen of sixty pills and eight vaginal injections.

Specialists at the Berkeley Aging Center developed the procedure to help reduce aging, but found it was so effective it could stop aging entirely.  Doctors agree that so long as she maintains the regimen, the Three’s Company star should be able to defy nature and live forever.

The key is the eight injections she must give herself every day.  While the pills keep her skin and hair looking healthy, it is the inter-vaginal injections that keep her metabolic process going.

When asked about the process Mrs. Somers said “It hurts,… a lot.  But that’s the price you pay!”

Should Mrs. Somers ever wish for the release of death, she would simply have to stop the program and nature would be allowed to run its course.  However, the inventor of the Thighmaster says she has big plans for the future, like opening a new theme restaurant.

Despite the reward of eternal life, no other interest in the treatment has been expressed, presumably due to the mandatory injections.