DALLAS, TX – Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, announced the White House’s plan to deport 15 million Republicans to Mexico.

Many in Washington were stunned by President Obama’s decision, the first time in U.S. history that a sitting President has moved to deport legal U.S. Citizens. Senior Adviser David Axelrod spoke to Keith Olbermann, who thought the idea was “genius, you should have done this a year ago.”  Axelrod explained the decision, “It is difficult for the President to get his agenda through with all these Republicans standing in his way. When we won the election we thought they would just shut up and let us clean up the mess. We’re left with no choice but to deport these Republicans, so that we can run the country the way we want.”

Napolitano said that mass deportations will start immediately and would not be limited to Arizona Republicans – though they would be the first rounded up.  Governor Jan Brewer was picked up last night and driven across the border in an armored car.  She was taken to Rosarito on the West Coast of Mexico – where she will be set up with a taco stand.  Homeland Security has streamlined the system by seizing the records of Republican Party offices throughout the country. They will begin going door to door, randomly picking those Republican individuals (and families) that “have to go.”

Glenn Beck was taken this morning to an adobe hut in Campeche where he will continue broadcasting his show – to himself.

Once they hit the 15 million mark, the Obama Administration plans to grant citizenship to the 15 million illegal immigrants in this country.  Axelrod said, “these new citizens will be registered Democrats and that will make it a lot easier for us to get our agenda passed.”

When asked about the deportations James Carville told CNN that if they came for his wife, Republican Mary Matalin, ICE was going to have some trouble. “I’ll open some cajun whoopass on those bastards.” He was also upset that he’d be out of a job.  “If there’s only one party in the country, who’s gonna need political consultants?”

As of 2004 there were 55 million registered Republicans in the country.  After the deportations, there still will 40 million left.  “This is just the first phase of Operation So-Long-Suckers.  If it goes as smoothly as we predict, we can deport another 15 million by the end of the year,” President Obama told Katie Couric, who wept with joy. “There is no other President in the history of our great nation that would the courage and strength to take the necessary steps to bring us all together.  You are a God, Mr. President,” Couric told Obama.  “I know,” President Obama replied.

As you would expect, most Republicans were outraged at the deportations, but Axelrod reminded them that “you smashed the car into the tree and we’ve been trying to get the car back on the road, and you want us to give you the keys back to the car, so you can smash another tree. Well, you’re not getting the keys back, you’re being sent to your room.  Mexico.”

Washington insiders were not surprised that several Republicans supported the deportations:  Senator  Scott Brown of Massachusetts and Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins of Maine.  But even though they spoke in favor of the plan, President Obama is still having them deported.  “They’re still Republicans.  One and elephant, always an elephant.”

So,if you are a Republican, how do you protect yourself against being deported?

RUN!!!

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican Olympia Snowe has voted in favor of Health Care reform.  The GOP is charging she was seduced by Al Franken.

On Tuesday, Olympia Snowe, Republican Senator from Maine, shocked the country by crossing the aisle and voting for health care reform.

“This is an outrage!” cried Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “Absolutely preposterous!  No human being in their right mind would vote for this bill!  Those smooth-talking snake in the grass Democrats must have drugged or seduced her.  That or they’re holding her loved ones hostage.  It’s the only explanation!”

Snowe was seen making eyes with Al Franken in Washington recently.  All last week the two had pages delivering messages back and forth to each other.  Majority Leader Harry Reid had to stop what he was doing to threaten to read their notes aloud to the rest of the Senate before they would stop giggling.

“How?!” continued Mitch McConnell.  “This guy’s a nerd!  Isn’t he the ‘I’m good enough, and smart enough’ guy?  His movie was terrible!  Why is she risking her career for him?!?”

When Al was inducted into the Democratic conspiracy, aimed at destroying Christian values and establishing a Socialist state, he received a copy of “How to Pick Up Chicks, the Democrat Way.”  This secret tome is believed to have been written by John F. Kennedy himself, with a forward by William J Clinton.  The secrets contained within the book are the stuff of legend, and could easily be responsibly for Al Franken’s new status as a “Chick Magnet.”

“I’m not saying anything about Senator Snowe,” said Franken to reporters.  “What’s most important is that we can finally move forward with Health Care reform.  Olympia and I are just good friends.”  Al Franken ended his sentence with a wink that made every woman within a 7 foot radius swoon.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Hill was shocked as Pennsylvania’s senior Senator, Republican Arlen Specter, announced he was switching parties – because of the babes!

With rumors mounting for weeks about a likely showdown in the Republican Primary, Specter has in recent weeks made moves to seemingly  reestablish his place as a traditional Republican politician.  His rejection of the Employee Free Choice Act is the most recent example.

Specter, along with the other moderate Republican Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, have found themselves very popular thus far in the Obama Presidency, as their votes are frequently courted to break fillibuster threats over populist and progressive legislation such as the 2009 Bail Out.

However, Specter’s recent and frequent siding with the Democratic majority was surprisingly not his primary reason for abandoning the party he has been a part of for nearly three decades.

“I love the Republican Party and what it stands for,” Specter told reporters during a news conference Wednesday.  “However, the Republican Party we see today is not the same Party I joined when I first ran for Congress in 1980.  The face has changed and so have the ideals.”

“I mean, c’mon, seriously, where are the babes?  What kind of Party have we become when Bachmann is considered our top tier?”

Specter was referring to Minnesota Representative and supposed “hottie to the max” Michelle Bachmann, who gained notoriety just before the 2008 Election for inflammatory rhetoric on the campaign trail.

“You can’t tell me that’s the best we can do.  She looks like the Nanny.  Worse, she sounds like her,” Specter continued. “I’ll take a cool, laid back babe like Sebelius over a dolled-up trollop like Palin any day.”

Specter’s about-face and critique of the Party did not go over well with many of his former colleagues. Republican demagogue and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, was quick to criticize the move.

“Who does this guy think he is?” Limbaugh bellowed on his daily radio show program shortly after the announcement.  “Who is he to say that the Republican Party doesn’t know how to attract babes?  Have you seen Cindy McCain?  Have you seen Sarah Palin? These broads are stone cold foxes.”

“What does the Democratic Party have?  Hillary Clinton?  Ruth Bader Ginsberg?  Just the thought of those women makes me think I’ll never pitch a tent again, if you know what I mean.”

“You know what?!  I say good riddance!  Take Meghan McCain with you.  She’d fit right in and we don’t want her!”

But not all of Specter’s former Republican Colleagues were so immediate in their dismissal. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe showed her usual middle of the road Independence and restraint. “When I heard the news, it was not easy to prevent myself from jumping to conclusions,” Snowe responded.

“How could I not take this decision personally?  Arlen and I have been friends and colleagues for over twenty years.  I know we’re not as young as we used to be, but I certainly think I’m still pretty good looking.”

When reached for comment, Senator Specter said, “Oh I never meant for Olympia to take this decision personally.  I certainly was not including her in my early comments or during my personal deliberations.  Olympia is a babe, for sure.  She is the definition of Cougar.”

“I know that many high ranking Democrats have reached out to her hoping she would consider switching Parties.  Let me say clearly and on the record: Olympia, babe, you would fit right in!”