LOS ANGELES, CA – Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have split up again.  After rekindling their five year relationship for a few months, they broke up this weekend.  Silverman admitted to having a torrid affair with Jonah Hill.

Kimmel’s use of a Hypno-Ray to make Silverman interested in chubby men has severely backfired.

It has been long been known to Hollywood insiders that Kimmel used a Hypno-Ray to woo Sarah Silverman.  The use of mind-altering technology was Kimmel’s only chance at a relationship with the much more attractive Silverman.  Mesmerizing her, then implanting the suggestion that she was attracted to chubby men, the two were able to begin their courtship.

Before then Silverman was known to be interested in “athletic types” and dated several lacrosse players while growing up in New Hampshire. But with regular use of the ray’s power, Kimmel was able to turn her into a ‘Chubby Chaser.’  Her attraction and their relationship flourished for five years.

Last June, the two broke up when Kimmel found hundreds of pictures of undressed overweight men on Sarah’s computer, sent to her by fans she had contacted.   Realizing the mistake he’d made in altering her mind, the distraught Kimmel went to confess only to walk in on Silverman in a hot tub feeding pork rinds to Judah Friedlander and Patton Oswalt.

The two have now broken up again upon the discovery that Silverman has been having an affair with “Superbad” actor Jonah Hill.  Silverman met Hill while cruising the Los Angeles Cheesecake Factory.

Jimmy Kimmel will continue to host his show on ABC and has no further plans to use the Hypno-Ray at this time.

Having no Hypno-Ray to rely on, Jonah Hill will have to maintain Silverman’s interested with only his personal charm and residuals from Judd Apatow movies.  The two have been spotted sharing a romantic dessert at The Melting Pot every night for a week.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sensitive hipster comedian performs divine healing.  Most commonly noted for his shy and awkward comic characters, Michael Cera was witnessed healing a sick child with his self-deprecating humor.

Outside of a charity event in Los Angeles, Mr. Cera was seen discreetly talking to wheelchair bound Katie Harris, there with her father.  After several minutes of dry humor and shy downward smiles from Cera, the young Miss Harris was able to jump and dance to a White Stripes song.  Mr. Cera was an endearingly horrible dancer.

Legions have now claimed to be healed by touching a television or movie screen while Michael Cera is on.

Screen healings appear to be limited to headaches and seasonal allergies.  Alternative medical experts are already recommending patients hold copies of Arrested Development against their abdomen to improve liver function, or biting down on them to prevent tooth decay.  Copies of Cera’s sex comedy Superbad are being ground up by herbalists to fight impotence.

These events could shed light on mysterious events at a children’s hospital in Oakland where two dozen children in the chemotherapy wing were healed by what they described as a “Big Nerd” who left behind a mix tape featuring several obscure indie rock bands.