LOS ANGELES, CA – The Governator isn’t exactly pleased with the way his fellow Republicans are handling the stimulus package!

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, accused his Republican colleagues of blatant hypocrisy on the stimulus package. He says that they have railed against the jobs bill in public but they have not hesitated to pose for pictures for stimulus-related projects and ceremonies in their home districts.

In his appearance on ABC’s This Week, Schwarzenegger pointed out former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney in particular for arguing this past week that the stimulus bill hadn’t produced a single “net” job gain.

“I find it interesting that you have a lot of the Republicans running around, and pushing back on the stimulus money saying, ‘This doesn’t create any news job,’” said Schwarzenegger. “And then they go out and do the photo ops, posing with the big check and the say: ‘Isn’t this great, look at the kind of money I’ve provided for the state and this is money to create jobs, and this has created 10,000 new jobs, this has created 20,000 new jobs, and all those kinds of things.’ It doesn’t match up.”

It’s hypocrisy, said host Terry Moran. “Exactly,” replied Schwarzenegger. He also called for fellow Republicans to work with President Obama to find solutions to the country’s problems.

“I dont want to beat up on my Republican colleagues, but I think it’s kind of politics rather than thinking about only one thing, and this is, how do we support the president?” he said. “How do we support him and do everything we can in order to stimulate the economy?”

A recent report has confirmed that the stimulus bill saved or created up to 2.5 million jobs and economists have agreed that the bill helped prevent a major depression. In addition, a research report by Think Progress found that 110 Republican lawmakers, whom voted against the stimulus, are guilty of stimulus hypocrisy by appearing at various ceremonies in their home states praising stimulus funds for creating jobs.

“Anyone that says this hasn’t created a job, they should talk to the 150,000 people getting jobs in California,” he added, “from the private sector and also from the public sector.”

My fellow Americans, today is a great day! All over the country, folks like you and me will be getting together at Tea Party protests.

Now normally, old Ed here doesn’t go in for protests with funny signs and yelling. I leave that to the dirty hippies who wrecked our country. And unlike dirty hippies, you and I have jobs we’re supposed to be at.

But today is different.

While the Communist-in-Chief is busy feeding gourmet pizza to his new dog, and growing marijuana for his unicorn in the Rose Garden, the rest of us are getting madder every day.

America is turning into Cuba except with slightly better cars and lousier weather! The Teleprompter Kid wants to steal our guns, put Rush Limbaugh in prison, make us use those funny looking light bulbs that cause pollution when they break — and he’s gonna charge us for the privilege!

Monday was Tax Freedom Day. That means that every dime you made working, since January 1, has gone to pay your taxes. And those taxes are due today. Taxes that pay for a bunch of politicians’ fancy airplanes and big houses and crappy hairpieces!

Taxes that pay for terrorists’ lawyers, and operations for drunk driving illegal aliens, and condoms in schools, and “farmers” who live in downtown New York.

So find out where your fellow patriots are meeting today, pack a tea bag, bring a flag, and remind the Teleprompter Kid and his cronies: we pay their salaries, and we don’t like the job they’re doing!

Remember: mobs of ticked off people refusing to pay their taxes were what got America started!

CHICAGO, IL – As tax day approaches, protest “tea parties” rev up to high gear in preparation for nation-wide movements by sending out recipes for a successful tea party.

National event coordinator for the Tea Party movement Suzie Howard sent an email blast this weekend to supporters.

“While there is no right way to stage a tea party protest, there are many things you can do to ensure a successful event,” Kramer said.  “You can’t do this alone and you must be organized.  You may want to think about holding an organizational planning meeting with other people.”

With the number of interested people growing into the dozens nationwide, Kramer decided to take a more active role in helping smaller Tea Parties with the necessary tools for staging the protest.

“I have received at least two e-mails from supporters asking for an official Tea Party recipe to make sure their event is up to the standards of the national movement.  And as I said earlier, there is no one recipe we are endorsing, as each Tea Party should be brewed to the tastes of the local constituency, I will share the recipe being used for the National Event in  Sacramento, California.”

Obtained from an anonymous source on the groups email list, the Tea Party recipe shared by Kramer with supporters is printed below in its unedited entirety.

1 fat guy with a megaphone
11 frothing-at-the-mouth fiscal conservatives
14 vaguely colonial costumes, powdered wigs encouraged, but not required
3 out-of-place black guys
7 confused elderly women
6 misspelled signs
1 self-loathing homosexual
23 textbooks featuring evolution, the New Deal or the moon landing (to be used as kindling)
1 effigy of FDR
1 vague message about fiscal responsibility muddled by decries of Socialism in government

Choose one of the following, but be careful to not combine more than two:
6 Asians (preferably female, or if male, over 40)
No more than 4 Jews (none over the age of 45, the kvetching sours the tea)
1 Latino man, over the age of 30, preferably resembling Jaime Escalante
7 minority babies in Baby Bjorns or 3-wheeled strollers

Oversized tea bags w/dollar signs printed on the side
Up to 1 trillion dollars in small bills to fill the tea bags
As many tea pots or large cauldrons as needed to serve protesters, spectators and the press

Mix all the ingredients in the tea bags, set fire to the text books to bring water to boil, steep the mixture in the water for 8 years or until the Republican party takes control of the House and/or Senate.

COLUMBIA, SC – Governor Mark Sanford had the courage to call out the Obama Administration on what everyone else was afraid to say – the Zimbabwification of America!

Sanford, a true patriot, knew something was just not right in the 2.8 billion dollars of stimulus money earmarked specifically for South Carolina.

“I was looking over the proposed uses of the funds and the proposed programs seemed very Socialist to me,” Sanford told reporters in during a press conference Thursday.  “Infrastructure spending, road construction, high speed internet to rural areas.  These are things everyone has a stake in.  Is that not the very heart of a Socialist state!?”

“In addition to that, I looked at the money itself.  And you know what I saw?  Not Honest Abe, or the father of our country, George Washington.  I didn’t even see the chubby bald guy that never ran for elected office.  I saw Robert Mugabe!”

“It’s appalling that no one else was willing to call a spade a spade.  They all just took the money and ran with it.  But that is not how we do it in the South Carolina.”

Sanford accused the Obama Administration of simply printing billions of additional dollars in paper money as a way of solving the nation’s economic crisis.

“Funny money will not put South Carolina’s unemployed back to work.  Funny money will not allow South Carolina to solve its second-worse in the nation unemployment rate and crippling budget deficit.  Funny money will not pay for public works programs that would create tens of thousands of jobs in a matter of weeks.  Funny money just doesn’t have that power.”

Sanford noticed similarities between President Obama’s economic stimulus plan and that of Zimbabwe President Mugabe’s efforts to modernize his country by encouraging spending when it was first announced, and has been crusading against the potential catastrophic plan ever since.

“Zimbabwe has a staggering 11 million percent interest rate!  Can you even fathom that?  A gumball would cost $27,500.  A vente soy chai skim milk latte with a sprinkle of pumpkin spice would cost $526,900.”

“Turning the United States into Zimbabwe certainly is change.  But I cannot believe in it!”

WASHINGTON, DC – The economic recovery plan put forward by the Obama administration includes an initiative to employ as many as five hundred psychics.

Those selected for the program will be given jobs ranging from intelligence gathering to subsidized private practice.

“We need to put people to work, to harness the talents of all Americans towards a common purpose,” said the President in a press conference.  “That includes factory workers, bakers, bankers, artists, and yes, it also includes people with paranormal ability.”

Asked if the psychics would be involved in counterterrorism or other military applications, the President declined to comment.

However, several prominent Washington insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, have indicated that psychics are already deployed in strategic locations throughout the Middle East.

“The troop surge in Afghanistan was the result of a particularly convincing séance,” said one source.  “The psychic guessed Obama’s age, weight, and occupation, then predicted the 50% deployment increase just by reading his palm.”

The source added, “After that, the tea leaves were enough to convince everyone that we need psychics to win the war on terror.”

BOSTON, MA – Rick Santelli plans to throw the world’s most expensive Tea Party to protest of the Stimulus Plan, serving hundred dollar bills steeped in hot water!

Santelli is an arch-conservative CNBC reporter, who has received a lot of media coverage over the last week for an on-air rant decrying government spending and waste embodied, he says, by the passing of the recent stimulus bill.

His new organization, The New American Tea Party, acting like an umbrella organization encompassing several fiscally conservative political watch and advocacy groups, aims at undermining the stimulus by preventing the funds from reaching their assigned targets.

“There is so much pork in this bill it would give the healthiest man a heart attack!”  Santelli bellowed on CNBC.  “Millions here for the arts.  Millions there for roads.  What’s a couple hundred million for unemployment benefits?!  Sure, why not?  Lets encourage people not to get jobs.  Let’s just give them more taxpayer money to not work and not pay taxes which would go to someone else who is not working!”

“It’s lunacy!”

Santelli’s organization is working closely with conservative lawmakers, specifically governors and state legislators who will most directly receive stimulus funds.

“We’ve already had somewhere in the ballpark of 50 million dollars of stimulus money pledged by local lawmakers for use in the tea party,” Santelli says in a blog posting on the groups website.

“Rather than that money going to these ridiculous and wasteful pet projects, we are going to proverbally put it our pipes and smoke it!  But rather than smoking it, we’ll be drinking it.  In our tea.  Literally.”

Inspired by the Boston Tea Party, which famously threw crates of tea into the Boston Harbor rather than have it sold for inflated prices and with outlandish taxes, the New American Tea Party will in fact steep hundreds of hundred dollar bills in near-boiling water.

“I’m going to drink it down and urinate it out!  I plan to show that the stimulus money will be as effective at stimulating the economy as my urine will be to stimulate my lawn.  Which is un-stimulating!  It will kill my lawn!  And the stimulus will kill the economy!”

UPDATE: The Tea Party organization has released a suggested recipe for upcoming parties. Click here to read!

I’m madder than a terrorist with a plugged up toilet about Guantanamo Bay!

For years, we heard how Bush was the next Hitler for keeping bad guys in a Cuban prison. The Teleprompter Kid said these guys were being mistreated. Heck, I thought beating up bad guys was the whole point!

Lemme at ‘em!

Well, the Communist-in-Chief’s gone and changed his mind. Now he says those terrorists were being treated just fine in Gitmo after all. Like that’s a good thing! Darn you, President Bush, here I thought you and Cheney were slapping these scumbags around all this time. What a let down.

In fact, I found out through the computer machine that the guys in Gitmo get interrogated in Laz-E-Boy chairs and eat so much fancy food that most of them are fatter than when they went it. (Maybe that’s to make them easier to spot and shoot after we let them go…)

I know one thing: this Gitmo sounds like a pretty nice set up. Cuba’s sunny and warm – as long as you can put up with the stench of international communism and the Castro boys’ b.o.

You think maybe the Communist-in-Chief can find a few bucks in his zillion-dollar budget to fly this here old veteran down there for a week’s vacation?

Speaking of which: I also heard on the computer machine that if you spent a million dollars a day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn’t reach the amount of money they’re spending in Obama’s stimulation package.

Frankfurters and myrrh, that’s a load of gold!

WASHINGTON, DC – Following a whirlwind romance, President Obama and New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg have broken off their relationship.

It seems like only yesterday the happy couple was seen walking shoulder to shoulder through the halls of the West Wing, or dining together in the mess hall on the lower level of the Capitol Building.

“I really thought they were a good match,” President Obama’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel told reporters.  “They didn’t agree on everything, but their contrasts actually complimented each other well.”

Lots of speculation has been made about the cause of the breakup.  Some of Gregg’s Senate colleagues think that the President didn’t want to be tied down so early in his Administration.

“He’s playing the field, seeing whats out there,” says one Republican Senator who requested he not be named.

Despite these allegations, what is certain is their differences, while attractive at first, have driven a wedge between the couple in the last week.

“It really hurt Barack’s feelings that Judd abstained from voting on Tuesday in favor of the stimulus package,” says Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin.  “It was really important to Barack, and he was hoping to have Judd’s support.”

“I heard he moped around the Oval Office for at least an hour after the vote.  It didn’t matter that the Bill passed; without Judd being a part of it, it felt incomplete.”

Speculation is running rampant on the Hill and Senators, known gossips, are spreading rumors and half-truths trying to save face on behalf of Senator Gregg and the President.

What they can all agree on is that while trying to be bipartisan is an admirable goal, in practice it is much harder to achieve.

Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, the governing body’s oldest and longest serving member, who is also a renowned Senate historian, summed up the situation for reporters.

“They just ran in different circles.  It’s fun for awhile, but eventually it becomes more trouble than its worth.”

WASHINGTON, DC – With February off to a rocky start, President Obama called an old friend for some much needed support – PhD Ape!

This week has seen continuing struggles for the newly inaugurated president as his economic stimulus package has been met with increasing resistence from the minority party in Congress.  Additionally, two of Obama’s nominees for Cabinet positions removed themselves from consideration as a result of income-tax related controversies.

Following a press conference in which he described feeling embarrassed and disappointed, President Obama personally called PhD Ape, asking the famous shrink to come to the nation’s capitol for the weekend.

“It is an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President,” PhD Ape told the White House Press Corp.  “Barack and I are old friends, we go way back.  When I saw how things were going this week, I had a feeling I would be hearing from him.”

President Obama and PhD Ape first met in Chicago in the 1980s where both men were working as community organizers in the city’s south side.  Although PhD Ape did stay there long, as the allure of the bright lights of Hollywood and high profile clientelle was too strong.

The biggest blow this week came from the usually Obama-friendly New York Times.  In an editorial on Monday the paper called for Senator Tom Daschle, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, to remove his name from consideration due to the emerging information regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes.

The former Senate Majority Leader has been one of the key advisors on health care to President Obama throughout his Senate career and during his Presidential campaign.

President Obama had intended for Senator Daschle to act as Health Czar, overseeing the planned massive overhaul of the United States health care industry and creation of a nationalized system.

“Barack and Tom have been friends and colleagues for many years and were very much looking forward to getting to work on health care for the American people,” PhD Ape said.

“They are both saddened by this weeks turn of events.  And for the harshest criticism to come from the Times.  That was like being kicked while already down.”

“Barack, Michelle and I plan to have a low-key weekend to help get his thoughts and feelings in order.  Luckily, Nights in Rodanthe came in the mail before I had to leave for the airport.”

When asked by members of the Press Corp. whether he had any interest in the vacant Health and Human Services position, or possibly Surgeon General, another position without a nominee, the typically verbose PhD Ape simply smiled.

“No comment.”

WASHINGTON, DC – After criticizing the economic stimulus plan, Republicans have chained themselves to doors of the Capitol Building to block its passing.

Currently no one can enter or exit the Capitol as Republican leaders have chained themselves to every major entryway.

The audacious demonstration was led by John McCain who shouted to reporters, “I’m still relevant!  See!?  I’m still relevant!!!”

Republicans say that the stimulus package as it stands is too focused on supporting the middle class, without enough tax cuts to the already wealthy.  “That’s no way to run a business” said John Boehner of Ohio.  “You can’t help a country by strengthening the middle class, did Reaganomics teach us nothing?”  He stated that GOP members will continue to forcibly block entry to Capital Hill until their demands are met.

Democrats in the Senate and Congress, despite having a clear majority in both houses and several pairs of bolt cutters laying around, are already working on ways to appease the minority Republican voice.