LOS ANGELES, CA – The Governator isn’t exactly pleased with the way his fellow Republicans are handling the stimulus package!

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, accused his Republican colleagues of blatant hypocrisy on the stimulus package. He says that they have railed against the jobs bill in public but they have not hesitated to pose for pictures for stimulus-related projects and ceremonies in their home districts.

In his appearance on ABC’s This Week, Schwarzenegger pointed out former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney in particular for arguing this past week that the stimulus bill hadn’t produced a single “net” job gain.

“I find it interesting that you have a lot of the Republicans running around, and pushing back on the stimulus money saying, ‘This doesn’t create any news job,’” said Schwarzenegger. “And then they go out and do the photo ops, posing with the big check and the say: ‘Isn’t this great, look at the kind of money I’ve provided for the state and this is money to create jobs, and this has created 10,000 new jobs, this has created 20,000 new jobs, and all those kinds of things.’ It doesn’t match up.”

It’s hypocrisy, said host Terry Moran. “Exactly,” replied Schwarzenegger. He also called for fellow Republicans to work with President Obama to find solutions to the country’s problems.

“I dont want to beat up on my Republican colleagues, but I think it’s kind of politics rather than thinking about only one thing, and this is, how do we support the president?” he said. “How do we support him and do everything we can in order to stimulate the economy?”

A recent report has confirmed that the stimulus bill saved or created up to 2.5 million jobs and economists have agreed that the bill helped prevent a major depression. In addition, a research report by Think Progress found that 110 Republican lawmakers, whom voted against the stimulus, are guilty of stimulus hypocrisy by appearing at various ceremonies in their home states praising stimulus funds for creating jobs.

“Anyone that says this hasn’t created a job, they should talk to the 150,000 people getting jobs in California,” he added, “from the private sector and also from the public sector.”

COLUMBIA, SC – Governor Mark Sanford had the courage to call out the Obama Administration on what everyone else was afraid to say – the Zimbabwification of America!

Sanford, a true patriot, knew something was just not right in the 2.8 billion dollars of stimulus money earmarked specifically for South Carolina.

“I was looking over the proposed uses of the funds and the proposed programs seemed very Socialist to me,” Sanford told reporters in during a press conference Thursday.  “Infrastructure spending, road construction, high speed internet to rural areas.  These are things everyone has a stake in.  Is that not the very heart of a Socialist state!?”

“In addition to that, I looked at the money itself.  And you know what I saw?  Not Honest Abe, or the father of our country, George Washington.  I didn’t even see the chubby bald guy that never ran for elected office.  I saw Robert Mugabe!”

“It’s appalling that no one else was willing to call a spade a spade.  They all just took the money and ran with it.  But that is not how we do it in the South Carolina.”

Sanford accused the Obama Administration of simply printing billions of additional dollars in paper money as a way of solving the nation’s economic crisis.

“Funny money will not put South Carolina’s unemployed back to work.  Funny money will not allow South Carolina to solve its second-worse in the nation unemployment rate and crippling budget deficit.  Funny money will not pay for public works programs that would create tens of thousands of jobs in a matter of weeks.  Funny money just doesn’t have that power.”

Sanford noticed similarities between President Obama’s economic stimulus plan and that of Zimbabwe President Mugabe’s efforts to modernize his country by encouraging spending when it was first announced, and has been crusading against the potential catastrophic plan ever since.

“Zimbabwe has a staggering 11 million percent interest rate!  Can you even fathom that?  A gumball would cost $27,500.  A vente soy chai skim milk latte with a sprinkle of pumpkin spice would cost $526,900.”

“Turning the United States into Zimbabwe certainly is change.  But I cannot believe in it!”

WASHINGTON, DC – The economic recovery plan put forward by the Obama administration includes an initiative to employ as many as five hundred psychics.

Those selected for the program will be given jobs ranging from intelligence gathering to subsidized private practice.

“We need to put people to work, to harness the talents of all Americans towards a common purpose,” said the President in a press conference.  “That includes factory workers, bakers, bankers, artists, and yes, it also includes people with paranormal ability.”

Asked if the psychics would be involved in counterterrorism or other military applications, the President declined to comment.

However, several prominent Washington insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, have indicated that psychics are already deployed in strategic locations throughout the Middle East.

“The troop surge in Afghanistan was the result of a particularly convincing séance,” said one source.  “The psychic guessed Obama’s age, weight, and occupation, then predicted the 50% deployment increase just by reading his palm.”

The source added, “After that, the tea leaves were enough to convince everyone that we need psychics to win the war on terror.”

I’m madder than a terrorist with a plugged up toilet about Guantanamo Bay!

For years, we heard how Bush was the next Hitler for keeping bad guys in a Cuban prison. The Teleprompter Kid said these guys were being mistreated. Heck, I thought beating up bad guys was the whole point!

Lemme at ‘em!

Well, the Communist-in-Chief’s gone and changed his mind. Now he says those terrorists were being treated just fine in Gitmo after all. Like that’s a good thing! Darn you, President Bush, here I thought you and Cheney were slapping these scumbags around all this time. What a let down.

In fact, I found out through the computer machine that the guys in Gitmo get interrogated in Laz-E-Boy chairs and eat so much fancy food that most of them are fatter than when they went it. (Maybe that’s to make them easier to spot and shoot after we let them go…)

I know one thing: this Gitmo sounds like a pretty nice set up. Cuba’s sunny and warm – as long as you can put up with the stench of international communism and the Castro boys’ b.o.

You think maybe the Communist-in-Chief can find a few bucks in his zillion-dollar budget to fly this here old veteran down there for a week’s vacation?

Speaking of which: I also heard on the computer machine that if you spent a million dollars a day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn’t reach the amount of money they’re spending in Obama’s stimulation package.

Frankfurters and myrrh, that’s a load of gold!

WASHINGTON, DC – Following a whirlwind romance, President Obama and New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg have broken off their relationship.

It seems like only yesterday the happy couple was seen walking shoulder to shoulder through the halls of the West Wing, or dining together in the mess hall on the lower level of the Capitol Building.

“I really thought they were a good match,” President Obama’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel told reporters.  “They didn’t agree on everything, but their contrasts actually complimented each other well.”

Lots of speculation has been made about the cause of the breakup.  Some of Gregg’s Senate colleagues think that the President didn’t want to be tied down so early in his Administration.

“He’s playing the field, seeing whats out there,” says one Republican Senator who requested he not be named.

Despite these allegations, what is certain is their differences, while attractive at first, have driven a wedge between the couple in the last week.

“It really hurt Barack’s feelings that Judd abstained from voting on Tuesday in favor of the stimulus package,” says Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin.  “It was really important to Barack, and he was hoping to have Judd’s support.”

“I heard he moped around the Oval Office for at least an hour after the vote.  It didn’t matter that the Bill passed; without Judd being a part of it, it felt incomplete.”

Speculation is running rampant on the Hill and Senators, known gossips, are spreading rumors and half-truths trying to save face on behalf of Senator Gregg and the President.

What they can all agree on is that while trying to be bipartisan is an admirable goal, in practice it is much harder to achieve.

Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, the governing body’s oldest and longest serving member, who is also a renowned Senate historian, summed up the situation for reporters.

“They just ran in different circles.  It’s fun for awhile, but eventually it becomes more trouble than its worth.”

WASHINGTON, DC – A “No Stimulus Bill” petition being circulated by the Americans For Prosperity is gaining strong momentum.

With enough signatures the group hopes to persuade government to rewrite the bill which they believe will be disastrous for the US economy.  Although admittedly a highly conservative group, Americans For Prosperity insists that this is not simply partisan backlash.

Forwarded emails contain links to the group’s website where users can sign a petition or read what the group has to say about the bill.  Listed on the website are numerous items Americans For Prosperity claims are contained in the stimulus bill.  These include:

- $49 Million to fund same sex marriage boutiques

- $374 Million in honeybee insurance

- $58 Million in tax incentives for colleges with a Pagan Studies program

- $2 million over the course of 8 years for Nancy Pelosi’s pedicures

- $80 Billion actually would go towards pork, and supporting an already thriving pork industry. The final bill is to be printed on tanned pork hide with hog-based inks.

- 3% of the bill’s total cost would be put towards finding Harry Reid’s “true love”

- $60 Billion for a solid gold statue of Karl Marx to be placed on top of the capitol building

- $14 Million for the ACLU’s pederast and traitor legal defense fund

- $8 Billion for condom dispensers to be placed in every Kindergarten in America

- $100 Million for Jet packs for Obama appointees

- $6 Million to make saying the words “Merry Christmas” a ticketable offense

WASHINGTON, DC – With February off to a rocky start, President Obama called an old friend for some much needed support – PhD Ape!

This week has seen continuing struggles for the newly inaugurated president as his economic stimulus package has been met with increasing resistence from the minority party in Congress.  Additionally, two of Obama’s nominees for Cabinet positions removed themselves from consideration as a result of income-tax related controversies.

Following a press conference in which he described feeling embarrassed and disappointed, President Obama personally called PhD Ape, asking the famous shrink to come to the nation’s capitol for the weekend.

“It is an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President,” PhD Ape told the White House Press Corp.  “Barack and I are old friends, we go way back.  When I saw how things were going this week, I had a feeling I would be hearing from him.”

President Obama and PhD Ape first met in Chicago in the 1980s where both men were working as community organizers in the city’s south side.  Although PhD Ape did stay there long, as the allure of the bright lights of Hollywood and high profile clientelle was too strong.

The biggest blow this week came from the usually Obama-friendly New York Times.  In an editorial on Monday the paper called for Senator Tom Daschle, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, to remove his name from consideration due to the emerging information regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes.

The former Senate Majority Leader has been one of the key advisors on health care to President Obama throughout his Senate career and during his Presidential campaign.

President Obama had intended for Senator Daschle to act as Health Czar, overseeing the planned massive overhaul of the United States health care industry and creation of a nationalized system.

“Barack and Tom have been friends and colleagues for many years and were very much looking forward to getting to work on health care for the American people,” PhD Ape said.

“They are both saddened by this weeks turn of events.  And for the harshest criticism to come from the Times.  That was like being kicked while already down.”

“Barack, Michelle and I plan to have a low-key weekend to help get his thoughts and feelings in order.  Luckily, Nights in Rodanthe came in the mail before I had to leave for the airport.”

When asked by members of the Press Corp. whether he had any interest in the vacant Health and Human Services position, or possibly Surgeon General, another position without a nominee, the typically verbose PhD Ape simply smiled.

“No comment.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Last night, Congress passed a proposed $819 billion stimulus package.  At a vote of 244 to 188, the bill passed despite no Republican support.

Republicans in the House and Senate remain uniformly opposed to the bailout, and they are making their disappointment heard.

Immediately after the votes were tallied, several congressmen locked themselves in legal chambers and refused to come out.  Promises of additional tax cuts or wine-spritzers could not move the determined statesmen, and a janitor had to be called to unlock the door.

John Boehner took the floor in retaliation to the measure; first threatening to filibuster, then vowing to hold his breath until the house changed their minds.  Emergency medical teams were called when he passed out and hit his head on the podium.

Despite the urgent need for any federal action on the economy, Republican officials remain determined to stop the stimulus bill before it reaches the Senate.

Rush Limbaugh has threatened to secede from the Union, turning his West Palm Beach home into its own autonomous state.  Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Crist has offered to turn a blind eye to such an action, but an eventual showdown with federal forces is expected.

WASHINGTON, DC – After criticizing the economic stimulus plan, Republicans have chained themselves to doors of the Capitol Building to block its passing.

Currently no one can enter or exit the Capitol as Republican leaders have chained themselves to every major entryway.

The audacious demonstration was led by John McCain who shouted to reporters, “I’m still relevant!  See!?  I’m still relevant!!!”

Republicans say that the stimulus package as it stands is too focused on supporting the middle class, without enough tax cuts to the already wealthy.  “That’s no way to run a business” said John Boehner of Ohio.  “You can’t help a country by strengthening the middle class, did Reaganomics teach us nothing?”  He stated that GOP members will continue to forcibly block entry to Capital Hill until their demands are met.

Democrats in the Senate and Congress, despite having a clear majority in both houses and several pairs of bolt cutters laying around, are already working on ways to appease the minority Republican voice.