UPDATE: Steve Jobs has just announced he will be taking a leave of absence – in order to complete his gender re-assignment!

Apple Inc.’s CEO has issued a statement, explaining that he will be taking a medical leave of absence until the end of June. Insiders have reported to Weekly World News that this is due to Jobs’ final round of surgery, which will allow him to fully transition to being female.

Look to see Ms. Jobs’ return this summer, with a whole new wardrobe!

January 6, 2009

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It was revealed this week that cancer survivor and Apple CEO Steve Jobs was undergoing hormone therapy to counteract his notable weight loss. “My doctors think they have found the cause – a hormone imbalance that has been ‘robbing’ me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy,” Jobs said in an official statement.

Weekly World News sources inside Apple say that Jobs is hiding the real reason for his treatments: He wants undergo radical hormone replacement in order to make a run to become California’s first female governor in 2010. This is in contrary to the recent debacle at MacWorld, where hackers announced his supposed death.

“Steve Jobs has been a longtime supporter of women’s and transgender rights as CEO of Apple,” claims the source. “This move to do a total sex change upgrade speaks to his commitment to quality and strict hardware standards.”

Jobs is forgoing the keynote speech at MacWorld in order to continue hormone therapy, and prepare for the gubernatorial race, which would pit Jobs against steroid user Arnold Schwarzenegger and perhaps former eBay CEO Meg Whitman (reportedly also woman) for the top job in the Golden State.

LAS VEGAS, NV – The Death Ray app has made its premiere at the popular Consumer Electronics Show amidst drama and fear.

Dr. Michael Heinous previewed the application to many curious industry insiders.  The program, when downloaded, would give any iPhone death ray capabilities, but Heinous is in works to make the technology available on PDAs and car GPS systems.

Attendees were allowed to download trial versions of the program at booth 1274, located between the DDRGame booth and a hot dog cart. Thus far, only two deaths have been reported.

Dr. Heinous arrived at the trade show after using his Hover Technology ™ to transfer the entire Colorado State University campus to San Diego for the winter.  The action, dubbed criminally insane by state authorities, did secure his position as head of the CSU’s Evil Science department.

Steve Jobs has gone on record voicing his opposition to both death rays and open source software, and Apple is currently taking legal action to block the spread of this software.  Dr. Heinous has said if the ban goes through he will retaliate by taking San Francisco hostage.

No word yet on whether Mr. Jobs will use his transgender android body to defend the city.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It was revealed this week that cancer survivor and Apple CEO Steve Jobs was undergoing hormone therapy to counteract his notable weight loss. “My doctors think they have found the cause — a hormone imbalance that has been ‘robbing’ me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy,” Jobs said in an official statement.

Weekly World News sources inside Apple say that Jobs is hiding the real reason for his treatments: He wants undergo radical hormone replacement in order to make a run to become California’s first female governor in 2010. This is in contrary to the recent debacle at MacWorld, where hackers announced his supposed death.

“Steve Jobs has been a longtime supporter of women’s and transgender rights as CEO of Apple,” claims the source. “This move to do a total sex change upgrade speaks to his commitment to quality and strict hardware standards.”

Jobs is forgoing the keynote speech at MacWorld in order to continue hormone therapy, and prepare for the gubernatorial race, which would pit Jobs against steroid user Arnold Schwarzenegger and perhaps former eBay CEO Meg Whitman (reportedly also woman) for the top job in the Golden State.

UPDATE: Death-ray-wielding open source software supporters are expected to crash the MacWorld convention in San Francisco.

Apple Enthusiasts are sporting their armored Powerbooks and reflective laptop bags at the MacWorld expo this week.

After Apple tried to stop the spread of an application that gives regular iPhones death ray capability, supporters are expected to retaliate by attending the popular Apple convention.

Specialized Apple gear, like an iPod equipped gas mask or the iLive full body armor with wifi, is will be available at the convention.  Apple’s executives will attend the convention via telecom from the iFallout Shelter.

December 31, 2008

BOULDER, CO – Dr. Michael Heinous of Colorado State University has developed a death ray application for the iPhone.

“This is monumental day for both death ray technology and open source software” said Dr. Heinous.

The application, when downloaded, equips any regular iPhone or iPod touch with death ray capabilities.

Apple is attempting to legally block the death rays distribution after 2 million people downloaded it over the Christmas holiday.

Steve Jobs took time from constructing an android body that will let his consciousness live forever to issue a statement: “Apple does not approve of this application.  Death ray technology and open source software are dangerous when released to the general public and are not in keeping with our corporate policy.”

Dr. Heinous works at Colorado State University in their Evil Science department.  “Hopefully this application will help me topple the world governments and rise to power.  Or at least get me tenure.”