STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.

Travis, the chimpanzee, resided in a suburban home in Connecticut with his owner. Loved by local residents and usually well-behaved, the city was shocked to hear that Travis went berserk and viciously mauled a human. The owner attempted to save her friend by stabbing the chimp with a kitchen knife, but it took local cops shooting Travis to finally stop him.

Travis’ family are grief stricken, and have turned to PhD Ape, therapist to the stars and primate family counselor. He was so incensed by the event that he hosted an emergency TV special this morning on human-primate violence.

“Travis was a beloved son, brother and friend,” said PhD Ape to the audience. “To think that such a bright and happy chimp had his life end so horribly is devastating. How did this happen? Was it completely his fault? Today, we are here to honor Travis’ life by exploring the reality of when human and primate worlds collide.”

The program featured experts from across the board, including  zoo keepers, movie stunt chimps, Travis’  family and primate rights activists. Rocky, head of the NERFP, or New England chapter of Rights for Primates, stated, “Can we totally absolve Travis of his attack? Certainly not. We feel for the human who was attacked; she did not bring this on herself. But, what conditions was Travis kept in? What happened to make him react so violently to a passive woman? That is not inherent in our nature!”

PhD Ape nodded in agreement, and moved to conclude the show. “These are definitely questions that need answering. I am concerned on how the press is presenting our poor Travis. But in the days ahead, my fellow primates, we must not not continue the cycle of violence! I advise anyone out there who wishes to make a statement to do so in a peaceful, mindful manner. We can make our message heard.”

Bonobos have already begun arranging a peaceful protest outside of Stamford’s city hall. It is expected that at least 1,000 chimpanzees, monkeys and apes will descend upon the town to grieve together. They have been warned not to throw banana peels at passing cops.

STAMFORD, CT – Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, debuted a new entrée just in time for Thanksgiving. Tonya co-hosted the Martha Stewart Thanksgiving Special with the world-renowned homemaker and chef earlier this week, and made a culinary surprise.

Turbaconducken, the next stage in entrée meat fusion, combines the Thanksgiving favorite turducken with delicious bacon.  Turducken, a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey is then wrapped entirely in bacon.

“Up until yesterday, I thought turducken was the perfect Thanksgiving entrée,” Stewart said during the program.  “It just goes to show that even after being a homemaker for over 50 years, a fat cat can still teach this old dog new tricks.”

Samples of the turbaconducken were a huge success with the audience members in attendance at the taping, although there was not much to go around.

Shortly after the turbaconducken came out of the oven, Tonya became noticeably agitated and excited.

“She began purring incessantly and rubbed her face against the counter top,” Producer Jason Grefth said.  “Before Martha could react and save the turbaconducken, Tonya unhinged her jaw and swallowed the 40 pound entrée whole.”

Producers managed to pull a bacon-covered leg from Tonya’s mouth before she had a chance to swallow.

Audience members fought over pieces of the drool-glazed, bacon encrusted leg.

STAMFORD, CT – In the midst of helping John McCain grieve, PhD Ape took a red-eye flight Monday night to be with Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman, an Independent who caucuses with Senate Democrats, met with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada last week to discuss the status of Lieberman’s two committee chairmanships.  It is widely believed that Lieberman will be stripped of those chairmanships as punishment for endorsing John McCain and campaigning aggressively against now President-Elect Barack Obama.

“Joe made a very difficult choice,” PhD Ape said in a prepared statement before boarding his plane.  “He caucuses with the Democrats in the Senate, but the people of Connecticut elected him as an Independent.  Joe loves the Senate and cherishes his leadership roles on two very important committees.  This is a very difficult time for him.”

PhD Ape is expected to spend the next few weeks shuttling between Connecticut and Arizona as he counsels Lieberman and McCain.

Asked if he thought he would be spending any time in Washington DC or Texas with lame-duck President Bush, PhD Ape replied, “I don’t think so.  I have a feeling President Bush doesn’t have any mixed feelings about leaving Washington behind and returning to a quieter life in Texas.”