BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

SPRINGFIELD, MO – Some shoppers were not in the holiday spirit, when a man was stabbed with an ice pick over a parking space!

On Sunday, 18 year old Caitlen Watkins was out shopping with a friend. She attempted to park her car in the lot of a shopping center, when another man took the space.

Watkins and her friend got out of the car and confronted the man over the parking spot. Witnesses state the argument soon turned into a physical fight.

Watkins somehow managed to stab the man a half dozen times with a 5-inch ice pick! He is now in the hospital with a punctured kidney.

SPRINGFIELD, IL – In a move widely seen as political pandering, the Governor of Illinois announced an unusual choice for Obama’s seat in the Senate.

At a press conference this morning, Governor Rod Blagojevich unveiled a resurrected Abraham Lincoln as the much-anticipated Senate seat-filler.

Blagojevich, a Democrat who won reelection in 2006 despite low approval ratings and accusations of corruption throughout his administration, was expected to make an appointment that would be popular not only in his party, but with Republicans as well.

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President, former Illinois state representative and member of the Illinois delegation to the House of Representatives is widely revered as our nation’s greatest president, having ended slavery and restoring the Union.

“Illinois politics are full of dark horses and controversial figures,” says Donna Brazile, political analyst and campaign manager for Al Gore’s presidential run in 2000.  “Far-left democrats like Jesse Ventura Jr. or Tammy Duckworth would have energized their base but potentially energized Republicans even more for the midterms in 2010 when the seat will be open to a general election.”

George Ryan, former Republican Governor of Illinois and current prison inmate, told reporters via email, “Its hard to find fault with this appointment.  While it’s obviously politically manipulative, Blagojevich could not have found a living person more dedicated to the people of Illinois and public service.  Perhaps that’s why he chose to resurrect the dead.”

Speaking to a crowd of several hundred, Senator-Appoint Lincoln said, “It is with great humility and honor that I fill the enormous shoes of President-Elect Barack Obama.  I can only hope to do him justice and serve the people of Illinois to the best of my ability as a United States Senator.  I will spend the next six weeks freshening up on the political climate of the last 143 years and taking some time to get to know my constituents and their concerns.  I have a feeling things have changed some since I last served the American people.”