I’m madder than a rooster in an empty hen house at Internet spammers and I won’t take it anymore. Those creeps clutter up my e-mail with their junk, everything from penis enlargement pills to some lady telling me she’ll give me a million dollars if I’ll help her get her money out of Africa. “Rush me 10 grand quick as possible and we’ll get the whole thing started,” she says.

Right. As if yours truly is gonna fall for a stupid con like that.

Just the other day I mentioned the enlargement pills to my wife Thelma Jean and she just looked at me and said: “We got four young ‘uns as it is. I reckon you’ve already done enough damage with that thing without it getting any bigger.” Thelma Jean, bless her, always gets right to the heart of the matter.

The spam I really hate is the pornography. I mean, you should see the stuff I get. It’s really vile.

Remember my uncle Luke “Stonewall” Jackson, from the Tennessee hills with the simple son and the bad piles? Well, Uncle Luke once worked in a factory that made ladies’ corsets, so he knows plenty about that sex stuff, but he says the pornographic e-mails he gets make even him blush.

“It’s time the gubmint banned them outright,” Uncle Luke says. “It just ain’t fittin’ for good Christian folks to be seeing that filth.”

Well, I have an idea. We ask the government to get one of their smart lawyers — God knows, there’s plenty of them around — and get them to send a warning letter to the pornography spammers. It should be a real learned letter saying something like: “Don’t send e-mail spam no more or we’ll throw you in jail for 20 years.”

If they ignore that warning, then send in the cops to arrest them and lock them up. Oh, and while they’re at it, the officers should also put the idiots who respond to pornographic e-mails behind bars. They’re just as bad as the spammers and maybe a lot worse. That’s how we can end this plague once and for all. And good riddance, I say.