WASHINGTON, DC – Senator Lindsey Graham has voted in favor of Judge Sonia Sotomayor.  Republicans fear he has been replaced by a pod person.

On Tuesday Lindsey Graham joined other Senators in confirming Judge Sonia Sotomayor towards becoming a Supreme Court Justice.  Sotomayor passed confirmation of the House Judiciary Committee at a 13 – 6 vote, with divisions strictly reflecting party lines; except for Lindsey Graham.  For no foreseeable reason, Graham did a complete turnaround regarding the ruling.

For the past several weeks Lindsey Graham has been vehemently opposed to the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor.  In his online blog, LindseyisaMansName.org, Graham has repeatedly claimed her judgment is clouded by racism and liberal bias.  Last week he was held by police, but never charged, for some graffiti sprayed in the GOP Senator’s locker room crudely made to look like it was left by Sotomayor.  He was quoted in The New Republic as saying, “Sonia Sotomayor is a threat to the safety and sanctity of all we hold dear in this country.  And also I’ve heard she steals Girl Scout Cookies.”

Yesterday, after crossing the aisle and voting with Democrats in favor of her confirmation, Graham said, “I gladly give her my vote, because I think she meets the qualifications test.”  This plus other sudden changes in behavior have lead Republicans to believe he has been replaced by a pod person.  A lifelong barbeque lover Graham has now taken to eating plain uncooked tofu everyday for lunch.  Also he refuses to sleep, see his family, or show emotion, but spends all his free time “gardening.”

While it is too late to use Graham to block Sotomayor’s ascension to the Supreme Court, GOP insiders are anxious to get back their version of Lindsey Graham.  “We’re already at a loss in this Senate, we can’t afford to lose one more,” said one anonymous insider.  If need be, associates at the NRA would be asked to help weed out and deal with any pod person plots within their ranks.

If this is true Lindsey Graham would be the third pod person to serve in the US Senate.

I’m madder than Howie Mandel with a rusty razor!

Yesterday, the Hair Club Vice President Joe Biden did it again. He said “we have to keep spending to avoid going bankrupt”!

Wow, even my wife isn’t that stupid about money!

I still say Biden’s hair plugs have done something to his brain, cuz he can’t stop saying stupid things. They should rename that Toy-lette’s Syndrome where you swear all the time after Biden!

Except that when Biden talks, I bet Obama’s the one who does the swearing.

At least, unlike his boss, Biden doesn’t need a Teleprompter to even open his mouth –although I bet folks at the White House wish he’d get one.

Maybe when Obama’s Teleprompter fell over and died this week, Biden was forced to give his to the Communist-in-Chief – it might be in the Constitution.

Boy, was that funny! I can’t believe Obama was able to keep going with his talk after his fancy machine broke. I thought something would happen like in Westworld, and sparks would start flying and Obama would finally show us he was really a space monster.

Anyway, the only person dumber than Biden is Sonia Sotomayor. She keeps getting words mixed up, and it doesn’t help that she talks in that phony Nurse Ratched voice. I kept thinking she was gonna get out of her chair and hand out little paper cups full of pills to the politicians!

But if Sonya is really Nurse Ratched, she won’t have to send Biden for a lobotomy – it’s too late!

I still can’t believe she’s gonna be on the Supreme Court. We’ve got dusty old houseplants around here than are smarter than her!

I’m madder than a Mexican jumping bean in a chili dog!

Today they’re having meetings about that Sonya Sotomayor they want on the Supreme Court.

What a disaster! The Teleprompter Kid picked a broad who had to read kids’ books in college, to fix her English! Why not just cut to the chase and appoint Mr. Rogers?

I ask you: would a “wise Latina” all herself a “wise Latina” in public? Doesn’t stuff like that make her sound… stupid?

If we need a Mexican on this thing, I say we treat her no different than the other ones, and make her come to Court by climbing over a fence and running through two miles of sand! And she better not be getting more than five bucks an hour, either!

Speaking of treating people equal: I didn’t like her keeping those white firemen from getting raises, just because they were white. They passed their tests, didn’t they? (And I don’t think they got good marks by just scribbling pictures of fire trucks with crayons, either!)

What worries me, though, is that one of those firemen, the Ricci guy, is an “eye-tie”, which you can tell on account of his name. Now, the papers say Ricci is one of those “dialexics” who reads everything backwards.

I can’t see how that’s any different from just being a dopey eye-tie, but anyway: do we really want a fireman who reads upside down? What if he drives the truck to the wrong street?

These are the burning questions only Ed Anger dares to ask!

I still say we should put Sarah Palin on the Supreme Court. These jobs are for life, people, and we’d all rather look at her for thirty years!

I’m madder than Liberace in the ladies’ room! Nobody told me it was the International Year of the Fat Chick. First we all have to look at that Scottish lady singer wearing a dress made from her grandma’s drapes. Sure, she can really belt out a tune, but let’s face it: she’s no oil painting.

Now the Teleprompter Kid decides to put this Sotomayor woman on the Supreme Court. Can I “press #2” to say “No way”? These are lifetime appointments, which means we’re all stuck looking at her for another thirty years.

Hasn’t the Communist-in-Chief seen that Sandra Day O’Connor? They call her “Reagan’s Mistake” but at least O’Connor was fairly easy on the eyes, in a Grace Kelly kinda way. She aged pretty well, which is more than I can say for that Ruth Ginsberg, who reminds me of Dr. Zira from Planet of the Apes if she’d been an anorexic.

Sotomayor has said some pretty crazy things too, about Spanish ladies being smarter than white guys. That’s just nuts. Are you telling me they had Mexican maids on the Mayflower? Did a Porto-Rican cross the Delaware? No, this country was started up by old white guys like me, and that’s all I need to know!

If only McCain had won the election, then we could’ve had that Miss California on the Supreme Court! She could’ve gotten picked as a consolation prize for losing that beauty pageant on account of that little pansy, Perez Hilton.

Hey, wait a minute: that name “Perez” sounds foreign! Maybe this is all part of some Mexican plot to take over the U. S. of A. When they put up a Virgin Mary statue where Lady Liberty used to be, don’t say old Ed didn’t warn you!

MIAMI, FL – One of the first cases that will come before new Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is a discrimination suit.

Haitian immigrant Jacques Orneuve filed a discrimination suit against the U.S. government, claiming he was unjustly denied Social Security benefits, simply because he is a zombie!

The man says officials told him that he is dead and is therefore not eligible for government benefits. BUt Orneuve, who arrive in the U.S. from Port au Prince 15 years ago, says he has a right to collect just like anybody else.

“I’m not dead – I’m the living dead,” says Orneuve. “There’s a distinct difference. They treat me like I don’t exist.

“But the Social Security guys say their hands are tied. They sent for my records from Haiti and they show I died in 1993. On the basis of that they say they don’t owe me a dime.

“I think this is outrageous considering that I came to this country in good faith and worked hard as a laborer for more than 13 years and they took out Social Security all that time. But they say they’ve never had a zombie try to collect before and they don’t know what to do.”

According to local accounts, Orneuve lived in Haiti’s capital all his life. Records there show that he died in 1993 at the age of 51, but friends and relatives swear he was brought back as a zombie in a voodoo ceremony several days after he passed away.

Orneuve and his son were among a group of Haitians who sailed to Florida in 1994, leaving their country behind because of political tensions. The two used false papers to get work, found an apartment and became U.S. residents.

Last year after Orneuve was injured and could no longer do his job, he filed for Social Security benefits. A few weeks later he got a call from a government clerk informing him he was ineligible for assistance because he was dead.

“I understand that Americans have a fear of zombies, but that shouldn’t keep them from obeying the law,” Orneuve said. “They’re discriminating against me beacuse of my religion and my physical condition. It’s got to stop.”

WASHINGTON, DC – It has been leaked that President Obama selected his next Supreme Court appointee.

Obama has picked judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace outgoing Justice David Souter. While Sotomayor’s liberal leanings come as no surprise, leaked reports reveal that in an MSNBC finale, Obama gave his “final rose” to the Latina appeals judge.

Honorable Diane Wood rivaled Sotomeyer in the final two potential appointees.  Bordering on tears, the well dressed Obama gave the final rose and golden gavel to Sotomeyer, telling Wood, “I’m sorry, Diana, you are adjourned.”

Potential appointees were vetted through various challenges over twelve weeks on the news channel MSNBC. These competitions included:
- Visits to their home courts to interview their bailiffs
- Maneuvering a “Political Minefield” obstacle course
- A “Strength of Character” contest to see who could hold up 400 copies of the US Constitution the longest
- Interrogation by surprise guest Dick Cheney
- Competitive ballroom dance with foreign heads of state.

Obama’s choice was not a surprise, as super liberal Diane Wood fell out of favor by repeatedly referring to herself as “The Dragonslayer.” “That kind of Partisan competitiveness lost the game for her,” said James Carville on CNN this morning.

President Obama made his final decision with the assistance of good friends Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton. Both Clinton and Biden were happy to receive the extra media coverage.

Barring a Republican filibuster, Sotomeyer will assume her life-long appointment as a Supreme Court Justice and “American Judge.” After receiving her rose and gavel, she and President Obama rode away in a horse-drawn carriage.