The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals! Your leaders have announced a great summit to address global warming this coming May.It is obvious that they intend to seek an audience with I, Poseidon, the immortal deity of the deep.

Although this post-industrial sorcery has left me sweaty and bloated, I am still omnipotent, mortals. I carry your fate in my hands, your life on my back. Yet still my hands go unwashed, and my back remains oily. Between tanker spills and pattern dryness, my godly visage has become worn and weary.

So it is with an all-powerful spirit of cautious optimism that I greet this news. I need none of your sympathy, but it would be nice if I had it. An occasional goat sacrifice might go down pretty well, too. And if your weak, flesh-bound leaders wish to meet me halfway, I may be willing to grant you a merciful passage on this salty earth.

Fools! You have engaged in the terrible heresy of monotheistic cults! You have abandoned the graven images that once granted you glory in battle and plenty in peace! You have worshipped a false God, a betrayal that would surely have led you to a chalice of hemlock if the great Pericles still reigned!

Socrates. Plato. Aristotle. Do you believe that these great men simply got it wrong when they worshipped me as a true and glorious god? Do you consider yourselves to be wiser than they? Pitiful mortals, your planet burns! Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Confucianism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Judaism…In the words of Phil, that shiny-headed heir to Hippocrates: How’s that working for you?

What you mortals need is some of that ancient time religion: the faith that those philosopher kings and Mediterranean island-dwellers of 3000 years past knew to be true.

Take a tour through history to meet five of history’s most significant bad fathers!

5. Galileo

The father of modern science, as he is sometimes called, proposed that all objects fall at the same rate when free of atmospheric constraints.  The father of three children, as he is also known, never got around to proposing to their mother.  Galileo’s devout Catholicism led him to believe that the illegitimate status of his two daughters made them unmarriageable.  So he sent them away to a convent where they lived out the rest of their lives, freeing their father up from atmospheric constraints.

4. Peter the Great

The reformist Tsar of 18th century Russia charged himself with modernizing his ancient, still-feudal country.  But he was still willing to get medieval on his eldest son, who was tortured to death after his suspected involvement in a plot against Peter.  Papa of the Russian Empire don’t take no mess.

3. Socrates

Arguably the most influential figure in the history of western philosophy, Socrates’ rigorous process of logical inquiry made him a lot of fun at parties.  He wasn’t much for the family life, though: he liked leaving home and chilling with his friends so much he made a discipline out of it.  Then they had a trial and took him down for corrupting the youth of Athens.  If it was family court, they could have got him on corrupting the youth of his house.

2. Genghis Khan

Around one in four hundred human beings alive today is thought to be descended from this Mongol warrior king, although none of us have a red cent to show for it.  Invading rapists aren’t generally noted for their family skills, but since he conquered most of Asia and Europe, he certainly could have afforded to help us pay for college.

1. Buddha

This one-time prince and founder of one of the world’s major religions began his journey to enlightenment by deserting his wife and children.  Pursuing a life of introspection and asceticism, the Buddha would inspire millions with his teachings on the Four Noble Truths.  His wife got less traction with her One Noble Truth: pay child support.